Confession Tuesday "Husband Loses GF Follow up" 12- 3-13

Today, Confession Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca Silence is in studio. Good morning.

Good morning.

So how was your holiday?

It was really fun. We were with my husband's family this year, which was definitely different, but it was a really good time. And then we extended it, did Thanksgiving with my family Sunday, which I loved.

I gotta say.

It was a good weekend.

Well, here's the thing. When it comes to holidays, I would imagine just from the life coach standpoint of it, I would imagine that your inbox is increasingly full immediately following the holidays. There's a lot of fun. You know, I would imagine there's a lot of phone calls. I would imagine there's a lot of, like, you know, emails and messages and just like.

Yeah, the influx actually came the week before.

Really?

Yeah. I had a lot in my inbox the week before Thanksgiving. People dreaded people, I guess, trying to be proactive, which I really appreciate. Yeah, it was more the week before than after.

That's hysterical. That's awesome. Here's what we do here on a Confession Tuesday. Rebecca Silence is a life coach. She is born and raised right here in central New York. And what makes her awesome is the fact that she's been there, done that, and bought the T shirt on just about everything. And. And. And also has the training as well. So what we do here on the RA is you submit. Go to cnykiss.com you can hear past segments of Confession Tuesday, but you can also submit your story and we handle it here on the air confidentially. And. And it just. It just kind of works, which is. Which is kind of cool. So let's see here. The first email actually is a response from last week.

Okay.

All right. Dear Big Papa and Rebecca, I wanted to thank you for your advice from last Tuesday. It really helped me to make the right decision. I'm the gentleman who wrote you about my girlfriend that wanted a man just for her and not a man with. Not a man with kids. Oh, this is the married guy who is upset while I'm setting the table for everybody else.

Right, Right.

Okay. So this is the married man who was upset because his girlfriend broke up with him even though he's a married man. Let's see, here he goes. On the same day on Tuesday, I found out that she was with her ex boyfriend at a hotel. I saw it with my own eyes. It really hurt me. My heart was broken. I wanted to confront her, but I know I'm better than that. And it was better to just let them be together. I realized that she never really loved me. All she was doing was playing with me and lying. She couldn't tell me that she was seeing her ex boyfriend. For now, I want to forgive her and move on. As Rebecca said, I'm going to reinvent my marriage and find myself. Thank you Big Papa and Rebecca for your advice. P.S. give a good advice to those girls who play with your feelings. I know they're listening.

Okay, this is great. I love the follow ups and a lot of you might not know, but I don't get to hear what we're going to talk about before we talk about it. So this is a surprise to me, a pleasant surprise to. There are a couple of things in your email that I do want to address. You know, the first one is congratulations on committing to reinventing your marriage. I think that's great.

Sure.

And here's where I want to confront some of the email. So you're saying, you know, I know I have to let her be with him. That's the first point I want to take on. So can you really let anybody do anything?

No control.

Where is that statement serving you in your life? What are you wanting for yourself when you say, I'm gonna let her do this? Everything that we do and say has a need under it. So you might be wanting to take some power back because you feel powerless. You might be hurt and angry and trying to justify that. I'm not sure where you are, but I want you to learn everybody out there listening, how to be really honest and real about what it is that you're actually wanting and needing.

Well, here's the thing. He, you know, he felt like he was being cheated on, you know, even though he was cheating.

Right. He talked about that too.

Yeah, he felt like he was being cheated on. And if anyone's ever been cheated on, you feel like you have no power. You feel, you know, that's one of the, that's one of the emotional cocktails that kind of come. Comes with. Right?

Yeah. But here the thing, we're always at choice.

Oh sure.

100% of the time as adults, not kids, they don't get a vote in their situations. They're just at the effect of their parents. But as adults, we are at choice. So from what we had heard last time, the relationship was already over. So I want you to get real about what you need and honest about what's actually going on. And I want to say that it isn't the events that cause us the upset, it's the thoughts like, I got cheated on. I saw this with my own eyes. She didn't even care enough about me to tell me to my face. She was with her boyfriend. See, it's not the event. It's those thoughts that are going to create your suffering.

Okay.

Because you're telling a story that leaves you in the victim role. How's that ever going to feel good? We could change the story about it. Oh, I chose to stay in my marriage. We outgrew this relationship. She's doing what serves her. I'm gonna reinvent my marriage. Same circumstances, different story.

Right?

Different story. So it's important that you own your part in this, how you created it, or the patterns are going to continue. Sure, you try to recreate your marriage all day long, but if you won't address where you're controlling or where you're not getting responsible for your own needs, the same situations are gonna keep popping up.

Yeah, you gotta reinvent your marriage because you want to reinvent your marriage, not because you caught the girl that you were cheating on your wife with with.

Another dude and it was already over.

Right.

So again, we're all at choice.

Right?

We're all at choice. So when you're reinventing a relationship, and this doesn't even have to be romantic. This can be any type of relationship. So when you're reinventing your relationship, step one is to really get honest about how you show up. You, what do you want to keep, and what do you want to shift?

I'm sorry. You said step one, and I automatically went to like, a new kid's on the block.

How funny.

Step one.

That is really funny.

I'm sorry. Go.

Yeah, but seriously, step one is to get honest about how you've been showing up so that you can have lots of fun. And then there's so much you can do. Step three isn't that it's just you and me. There you go. See, I remember this stuff. But this song applies. It just does. Right? Because you want to have fun. You want to get to the real who you are and who the other person is. Because when we're reinventing a relationship, the only way to do that is to get the past out of the way.

Yeah, that's. That's a whole. That's a whole other segment. That's a whole how to. How to reinvent. How to reinvent.

Or. Yeah, but that way it can be just the two of you for real instead of you and all the suitcases full of your baggage in the past dragging behind you.

Local life coach Rebecca silence. Inspired results. Coach.com. make sure. Like them on Facebook. Make sure you follow Rebecca on Twitter ebeccasilence and also your chance to be a part, you know, kind of dip your toe in the water when it comes to being coached. We'll give you all the details on that Coming up. More Confession Tuesday coming up next here. Oh, do you have something?

I just wanted to say the homework.

Oh, yes. Is. Hi, we totally forgot about homework.

That's okay.

I got wrapped up in the new kids song. I'm sorry.

It's all good. But the homework is to really look at the story you're telling yourself, what you're making all of this mean about you because that's what's causing the upset, and then to actually write out how you've been showing up in the relationship. And please don't use this as ammunition to beat yourself up because all we're doing is getting real so that now you can get in leadership around how you want to be showing up to reinvent the relationship.

Sometimes you need that hard look at yourself to see.

Just get real. What's working and what do you know is part of the problem.

Email bigpapa at cnykiss. Com. More on a Confession Tuesday next here on Kiss fm.