Confession Tuesday "Living with ex and 9 kids" 10-15-13

How this works. You get in touch with us. And local life coach Rebecca Silence. And myself, with my vast worldly knowledge, tried to help you through whatever it is that's going on in your life. Now we got contacted by a gentleman who is in the process of getting through a breakup. And the breakup is he and the girl living together? Kids are involved.

Nine of them.

Yep. Lots of kids are involved. Some are his, some are hers, and they're still living together. And from the. From the sounds of it. From the sounds of. Sounds like he still wants it.

Right.

But it sounds like she doesn't.

Yeah, that's.

That's. That's. That's what it sounds. That's what it sounds like to me.

And he was just asking, all right, where do I go from here? How do I deal with it?

Yeah. How do. How do we move forward? Because they're. They're still living together at this point, which is. Which is, you know, you've broken up. There are kids involved. Everyone's living together, but the adults aren't together. And there's going to be a separation. You know, there's lots of sticky, icky, gooeyness up in there.

Right. So what I want to focus on is how to emotionally move on and transition after a relationship has completed itself, you know, and that's a tough. That's a really tough place to be. Knowing whether or not a relationship is complete or if there's still more to learn from the relationship.

Is it chick flicks and cherry Garcia ice cream from Ben and Jerry?

For some people, maybe.

Okay, all right.

That's not what I'm gonna suggest today.

Okay, fair enough.

But for some people, sure. I watched all of the Sex in the Cities. All of them.

Did you?

After Mr. Las Vegas and I broke up, every single one, because I had a friend say to me, okay, it could be worse. Watch Sex in the City, and you're gonna feel better about your life. And I did. It worked. So I'm not gonna knock the Cherry Garcia.

Okay.

And the chick flicks. But what I'm gonna say about knowing whether or not a relationship is complete and biggest, biggest red flag, if one person is no longer willing to work with you, it's done right there. There is no way to repair a relationship if both people are not 100% committed to repairing the relationship. Period. End of story. So I do couples coaching. I work with people who are married. I work with couples who are not married. And a lot of times, we're able to get through it. The times where we're not is when one person is just ready to be done and that's it. And that's okay. It doesn't make that person wrong. But where there's more struggle and stress is when I'm wanting to continue the relationship, the other one doesn't. And I'm not willing to let go of that.

That's the, that's probably the hardest part in, in any relationship is if one is. Is, you know, mentally checked out and the other one want to keep. Wants to keep trying.

Right?

And that's such. It's almost like a helpless feeling, like you, you know, help me, help us. And there's. And there's no help to be had.

So instead of being helpless about it, I just want you to ask yourself, why would you want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with you? Why would you want to have to convince someone to be with you? You're a great catch. I don't care who you are. Right. You've got awesome qualities that would make someone else very happy, enhance their life, and you deserve to be fulfilled in your relationship and get it all. I think what happens is we're programmed as kids, a lot of people, to believe that there's something wrong with me, I'm not good enough. And then with that attitude, you create romantic situations where you're not wanted, you're not good enough. And I'm going to say it's a bunch of crap. You are good enough. You are lovable. And why would you want to convince anyone to be with you?

Right?

The second you think, oh, I've screwed all this up, it's my fault. I have to do something to get them to want me.

I have to work harder. I have to change. No, that's. That's not how it works.

It can, it can be your journey, but it's going to be a miserable one.

Right?

You're totally invited to play this game. But I'm saying, why you can create the relationship of your dreams, even if you've never seen it done before. I am clear on that. But it means you have to know what you want. And, and you have to be willing to not settle for anything less. The hardest thing that I see in my office is that people don't actually know what they want. They know what they don't want, but they're not sure what they want. So then they end up tolerating a bunch of things that aren't working. They end up settling. And the other issue I see is people are afraid to be alone. They'll settle for a relationship that's not working because they don't want to be alone. I'm not talking about you. He just looked away from me.

What?

But seriously, this fear of being alone is toxic. And it's you putting the poison into your own life.

It's, it's a fear. It's a fear of being alone. I think there, there are people that put up with stuff that they wouldn't normally because they're afraid they're not going to find anything better.

Right.

Because they don't think they deserve anything better. And that's, and that's just like a mindset of why people accept things that they, that they should.

And we can rationalize our decisions anytime we want. Oh, sure, right. And you're only gonna find evidence to support what you believe to be true. So if you believe this is all there is, you're gonna be right. And what I'm saying is you can't create that great relationship if you're stuck in one that's dead in the water.

Okay, so we're going off in this one direction. Let's focus on this guy and this girl. It's important because they're living together, they've broken up, and there's.

I want them both to get that a fear of being alone is not doing any of them any favors. So if they stay in this self inflicted purgatory in the house with all the kids, nothing is going to change.

Correct.

They're going to stay in purgatory. So I'm saying there could be a possibility that they're afraid to be alone, that they might not be together, but they're still comfortable sharing the space. And the lie is it's probably not the most comfortable thing for anyone right now.

It's got to be awkward as hell in that place.

So you're the one in charge of whether or not you're staying in purgatory or whether or not you're moving forward in leadership, even if it's hard and there's going to be a grieving process. The kids, they don't get a vote here, you know, so it could be very confusing for them, seeing, okay, they're still together, but they're not together. We're under the same roof. And it can also give false hope to the kids, thinking maybe there's a chance they're going to get back together. So if there's really not a chance you're going to get back together, I'm going to suggest, get yourself a plan for by the end of the year you don't have to rush anything. But for by the end of the year, what is going to be a way that you can sever all ties, not just physical space, but emotional, financial, any of those connections that you've got Right now, A divorce means we sever all of it, whether you're married or not.

Right?

So how can you guys get divorced by the end of the year if that's really what you want to do or if there's still hope? Get yourselves a coach or a therapist and figure out what needs to happen to resolve things.

Because remember, right now you're setting the example for relationships for those kids that are in there. Because people, you know, kids, you know, learn what they see growing up. That's what you know, that's what they were exposed to. Okay? This is how a relationship should go with the relationship and the situation that.

You have going to deserve. Because this is all my parents deserve, right?

If this, if this is what you want for your kids, then that's fine. If you want something better, do better.

And just consider the possibility you're doing the best you can with the tools you have based on what you learned from your parents. And what I'm saying is it's possible to do it different. And that doesn't mean our parents are bad or wrong. It's just all parents do goofy things that affect all of us. We all have mommy issues and daddy issues. What do you want for your life? And when you're solid, your kids will be solid. I can't emphasize that enough. Doing things because we think it's better for our kids. But then it leaves me feeling small. That's never better for your kids. So do what you need to. Get in leadership of your life and get out of purgatory. But regardless, you deserve the relationship you want. And being with someone who doesn't want to be with you doesn't ever need to happen.

Absolutely. Thank you so much for sharing and keep us updated because I, I'd love.

To hear from you. And you can go to inspiredresultscoach.com ask further questions about this. Also, I have the coaching circles that are not the same as the individual coaching. You can come in a group for the end of this year. They're just happening the first Tuesday of the month. So there's one more in November, there's one more in December. Come meet like minded people. Get some tools for your toolkit. That's one possibility. I'd love to see you there. Come to Confession Tuesday Live too.

Confession Tuesday live. It is the 29th of October, two weeks from tonight at MVCC. It's a live show of what you hear on the radio.

You're not alone. There's lots of resources available.

It is local life coach Rebecca Silence. Inspired results coaches for the emails and the call. Travel safe.

Enjoy in Arizona this week.

Enjoy your trip and I'll see you when you get back. All right, excellent.

Thanks, everyone.

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