Confession Tuesday "My Kid Doesn't Like My New GF" 10-15-13

All right, so here's how it works. You email us bigpapnykiss.com B, I G P O P P A nykiss.com and we read it anonymously on the air. And by answering your email, we end up helping a lot of people.

We really do. Yeah, because you're not alone with whatever the issue is. There are so many others that can relate.

Absolutely. So here is email number one. Dear Big Poppin Rebecca. Well, I'm pretty sure my ex has been filling my son's head with nonsense because as soon as she found out I had a girlfriend, all of a sudden, my son, who's been great with her since he met her, is now being very mean and saying he doesn't love me and basically acting out. And I understand it's hard because it's not her child, but now she is scared and wanting to break up because of this. I'm trying to hold on and fix this, but I don't know what to do.

Thank you so much for your email. Everyone out there who's a parent who is back in the dating world can relate to what you're saying. And even. Even if you're not a parent, just think about what it's like starting new relationships. Not even necessarily romantic ones, but even at work, forming new relationships is difficult.

Oh, sure.

And when you're a parent and you're dating again, there's so much to take into consideration. I've experienced what you're talking about firsthand, and what I'm going to suggest, number one, is that anybody who's going to be willing to work with you is going to be willing to work with you.

Absolutely.

Regardless of the obstacles. So when you're at work or in a romantic situation or in a situation like this listener, just consider the possibility that anytime people are gonna bail based on an obstacle, they weren't committed in the first place.

That's very true.

Right. So commitment means I'm committed to the goal regardless of any obstacles that are in my path.

Okay. Before. Before we get there. And this may. This may be me speaking out of school, but I'm a big proponent of having a real solid foundation between. If you are a parent and dating, you have a real solid foundation between you and the new boyfriend, you and the new girlfriend or whatever, before you introduce the kids into the mix.

Yeah. And I think that's a real interesting point that you're making. And I'm gonna say as long as you're solid about what decisions you make, it doesn't matter.

Absolutely. I mean, like, I'm very. I'm very protective as far as, you know. You know, there's a difference between, you know, having a friend and having a girlfriend. You know what I'm saying? I have a lot of friends, period. But, you know, there's only. After I've been divorced, there's only been, you know, one, two girlfriends that have been introduced as the girlfriend. You know what I'm saying?

I understand. Absolutely. But what I'm going to suggest is the kids are responding to your energy. Sure. So here's the deal. Eventually, they're going to meet someone whether you think it's solid or not. Then, all right, the child has met the new person, and that does create a whole new dynamic in the relationship.

Absolutely.

So even if you've had a solid foundation before and you think, okay, now it's the right thing to do, introducing my child to this new person, just know that that solid foundation is probably going to get rocked a little bit.

Sure.

And so that's going to be the true potency test to determine whether or not this relationship is going to. Is gonna work. You know, I had. I had one boyfriend out of, you know, a few after my divorce that my daughter just could not stand. And this kid likes anyone and everyone. I mean, you met her. Yeah, she. She loves people. And this guy. She was not having it, not for a second. Wow. And I really had to look at that. Not that I was letting her make my decisions for me, but at the.

Same time, to, you know, that's a. That's a. That's a warning shot. That's a red flag. Absolutely.

It was very clear to her that he wasn't into her, that all he cared about was me. And she didn't like it, and she didn't like him, and she made no bones about it. And so I looked at that. Right. So that's one side of the coin. The other side of the coin is to be checking in around, all right, what's going on with my child? Is the kid afraid? Is what need is the kid trying to tell us that they have that's not being met? Because everything the kid's doing, they can't communicate. Right. Children don't have the ability to say, you know, this really made me feel sad when this happened, and this is what I needed from you that I didn't get. Mom.

Right.

They can't do that. So what do they do? They spill their milk in the new guy's lap or they do something to let us know. All right, I'm not okay right now. So there is going to be a point where the kid might be just checking things out with you. Are you still going to love me? If you love this new person, the kid really might know. This person isn't a good pick. You never know. It's like the dog sometimes knows when people don't have great energy.

Okay, let me ask you. Let me ask you this. In the, in the email, the person feels like the ex is talking the new girlfriend down. When you know, when you know when the child is with the exact. With that situation. Is that a. You know how. What's the best way to kind of handle that? Yeah, I mean, because that, that's. That's an extra layer of stuff.

Well, it is. And what I'm gonna say is focus on what you actually have control over. You don't know. So you could be creating a ton more drama just by blaming this, this new drama because you're.

Because you're making. You're making an assumption.

Absolutely. Which never works. Expectations, assumptions, obligations, drawings. Drop them all tolerations.

Say that. Say that one more time because I've never heard you say that before and that's huge. I'm talking all over you. So start. Start again.

There.

Go ahead.

I'm saying that expectations, obligations, assumptions, and tolerations never work in a relationship because, number one, with assumptions, you're guessing. With expectations that people can never win. Right. And all of this doesn't work. It breeds resentment. So expectations, assumptions, obligations, and tolerations. No good. And then, you know, as far as the ex goes, we have no control over what's going on there. You could check it out with the ex, but what you can do is be the model and example of the type of person that you want to be. We can't control the other person. I can't control my daughter's father. I can't control that. And I don't try to because all it does is sets me up to have a more stressful experience.

Absolutely.

And there's nothing I could do about it anyway. So your children are going to get their own perception of the opposite parent with or without you saying anything bad about them. So, hottest tip for everyone, co parenting. Please don't talk trash about the other person. Just don't do it because it hurts your kid. That kid is still going to put their parent on pedestal. They're still the sun, the moon and stars to this child. It's their only mother or father. So for you to talk trash about them, it can really be detrimental. So listener for you. What I'm suggesting is back to commitment. You're absolutely going to find someone who's willing to work with you through obstacles if you put that intention out there and if you keep communicating about what it is that you want in a relationship. So if you find someone who's not willing to work with you, good to know. And your child is important, so I'd be checking in with them. You know what? I love you, even if you're mad at me right now. And if you want to talk, great. I wouldn't be putting up with the kid calling you names or calling the partner names. Sure you don't want to put up with that. That would probably be good to put them in timeout. But if they're just acting out and crying out for love and wanting to make sure you still love them, that's a whole other story. So, hottest tip, make sure you're committed to working through obstacles and then you're going to be able to have a partner that does as well. And if they're not next, and that's okay.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com corporate training, personal family and and of course, Confession Tuesday live two weeks from today at mvcc. We are going to break. Come back. Email big papa ny kiss.com More of your emails coming up next. Confession Tuesday here on KISS fm.