Confession Tuesday "People Judging Me" 1-28-14

Local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. It is a confession Tuesday. And if you have a business and if you have an organization and you want team building or if you want to have Rebecca myself come in and do a talk on whatever the subject, that's absolutely available.

Definitely. Yep. We have lots of different businesses in the community that I go to, and I'm really wanting to do another confession Tuesday live. So if your business wants to do a confession Tuesday live, let us know. I think it's great because your employees can ask questions confidentially. You can find out what's really going on behind the scenes and we can proactively address it.

Absolutely. Details atinspired results coach.com and of course, you can like them on Facebook and follow on Twitter as well. It is a confession Tuesday, which means that you submit your questions here confidentially and we talk about them on the air. Ready?

Yes.

All right, here we go. Lot of people have been judging me lately. I want them to think differently of me, but I'm not going to change for them. What do I do?

Awesome question. So you are what you judge.

All right. Say that again.

You are what you judge.

You are what you judge.

Absolutely.

Okay.

Explain that Everything that we judge about other people is what we judge about ourselves.

Okay.

Right. So if I think somebody is manipulative, it might just be reminding me of the parts of me that are manipulative. So it's either what I do directly and I don't like, or it's like my denied self, the parts of me that I won't let show up. I used to do it with my ex husband all the time. I was so over responsible. And I would judge him because he was just Disneyland guy playing around all the time, no responsibility. Well, I wouldn't let myself relax. I wouldn't let myself have fun. That's not his fault. So we are what we judge.

Okay.

Just consider that. You don't have to believe me. But of course I'm only able to do anything about me. Right. I have no control over anybody else. So you spending a ton of time and energy in judgment of other people is just a waste of time. And when you're talking.

Say that again. Say that again.

You spending a bunch of time and energy worrying about other people judging you and judging other people, this is time you're never gonna get back.

Absolutely. And it's just like getting stuck in the snow or getting stuck in the mud. You're just spinning your wheels. And the more you do it, the more, you know, entrenched in the Harder it is to. You're just wasting your time and energy.

Right. And you're mad people are judging you, so now you're judging them for judging you. And it's just a vicious cycle that's getting nowhere.

Right.

Fast. Right. It's getting nowhere fast.

There's no upside to it.

No. And it's a huge distraction from you dealing with whatever it is that you're really wanting that you don't have right now. Right. So if in your relationships, this would be what I call co dependence, where I'm in everybody else's business trying to fix the other person, wanting them to fix me, this will only cause suffering. So my suggestion is, first of all, whatever people are seeing in you or saying about you, understand, it's just them looking in their own mirror.

Right?

Okay. So you could take what you want and leave the rest. Maybe their judgment strikes a chord with you. And see, here's the deal. If you ever find that, oh, this really strikes a chord with me, it has to be true for you. You have to be believing it or it wouldn't strike the chord.

Okay?

Right. So when I work in schools, I'll talk to kids about, okay, so are you purple with pink polka dots? And they'll look at me and say, what? No. But if somebody calls you a jerk, you're gonna believe it, right? I mean, they might as well be saying, you're purple with pink polka dots. Who cares what people are saying? Your response to it and whether you buy it or leave it on the shelf, that's on you. But other people, who are they to determine your worth?

It's. I think it's hard for some people to stand firm on that kind of stuff. And, and, and I think that they're just so used to going, you know, believing what people are telling them that they are. It's, you know, that self confidence thing, there's something to be said for that. And you definitely need to have some, and have some thick skin just to get through life. But when you have stuff like that happen, if you don't have thick skin, a lot of times it's hard to get through that. Do you agree?

Yeah. Well, and here's what I would call thick skin. It's the ability to internally validate yourself. And what I mean by that is you have your own ability to check in with yourself and figure out what works for you and what doesn't, versus having that need for people and places and things outside of you to validate you and make you feel okay. If you're Seeking external validation. It's a very lonely road, and it's never enough. Here's the deal. Think about when you've had compliments, you always need more and more and more and more and more. If you need other people telling you that you're good enough, that your choices are working, it's never enough.

Gosh darn it. People like me, yes.

But it's never enough.

Right.

It's like this hole that won't be filled. You know? And I always joke, if I wasn't able to internally validate myself, this show would be really hard for me because there's weeks where I hear crickets, people don't say anything. And then there's weeks where I'm, like, getting all these emails and calls, but it's inconsistent. It doesn't mean that what I'm saying isn't making a difference somewhere. Right? So it's about internally validating yourself. That's the goal. And it is hard to do. So one of my old mentors, her name's Carol Reynolds, she lives in Vegas, and she used to say, other people's opinions are not a fact.

Okay.

But we make them a fact. They're not. It's just their opinion.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, that makes sense.

I love going back to that. When I get caught up in the drama that we're talking about right now, I'll think, wait a minute. This is just their opinion. It's not a fact. Right. And my opinion is the only one that really matters for me, for my life, and I've got to be the one checking in with myself at the end of the day, thinking about, you're.

The one that has to own it.

Right. And I have to think about is what I'm doing. Working for me is staying in this relationship, staying in this job, not speaking my truth. Is it working for me? I'm the one sitting with me at the end of the day, not other people. Right. And people are not gonna always agree with you. That's all. Right. Half the time they won't. Half the time they will. But as long as you're solid in your decisions, that's what's important.

InspiredResultsCoach.com is the website Local life coach Rebecca Silence. Awesome stuff.

Yeah. And so this week, the homework is just really look at your decisions and make sure that it's for you. And when people are judging you or giving you their opinion, first of all, you could say, yeah, thanks for sharing, but I don't really want your feedback right now. You can say lovingly that you know what? If I want your opinion, I'm gonna ask you for it. That's a good strategy. Teach people that they don't need to rescue you and swoop in. But the most important thing is to pay attention to your own decisions and to get that other people's opinions are not a fact.

How do you feel about what you just heard? Confession Tuesday, whether it be on Twitter or on Facebook, tag us. And of course, you can email us in and we'll handle it again next Tuesday.

Thanks, everybody.

Rebecca Silence Local life Coach inspired results. Coach.com For for all the details. Great job as always.

Thank you. Have a great week.

You, too. Got a break. Come back Big Bob in the morning. Kiss fm.