Confession Tuesday "Rules When Dating" 6-25-13

And it is Confession Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca Silence. And you realize there are people that. That avoid me and don't listen at all, but they tune in just for this.

That's great.

Just.

Just not that they avoid you. No, no.

And hey, you know, sometimes avoid me is the best policy. I'm. I'm. It is what it is. But. But it's. It's all about you helping you. Helping you and letting us help you in the process of what as well. Uh, you are not a therapist. You are a life coach. And there is a difference, right?

I do have a background in counseling. I have a master's in counseling. But I don't believe in labeling anyone and diagnosing people. I think people only live up to their labels. So what I'm doing is we're diagnosing your patterns, those things that you do over and over and over again. And you wonder, how did I get here again? Thought I handled this one. We're looking at those patterns. We're looking at what you're wanting more of and creating a plan to get you there.

All right, so here's how it works. Of course, if you would like private session or if you would like a family session with. With children involved or corporate stuff or even a situation where a seminar, you can contact Rebecca at inspired results coach.com that's inspired results coach.com or add. Add them on Facebook or on Twitter and all that stuff. All right, so here's how it works here. On a confession Tuesday, you email us big papa@cny kiss.com b I g p o p p a@cny kiss.com we keep it confidential. We talk about whatever the story is on the air. And just by talking about it and going into whatever story it is, it seems to help a lot of people. Because no matter. No matter what the topic, it seems that a lot of people can take something from that.

Absolutely. We're all connected. We have the same thing going on. And my approach is about you taking radical responsibility for your experience. We focus on what you do have control over versus focusing on what you don't have control over, which always leads to suffering.

Okay, so let's jump right into this. Apparently, we're going to talk about dating.

Excellent.

We're going to talk about dating here. And in fact, this is something that. That I talked about late last week is the email that I got, and I wanted to get your take on it. Okay. All right. I just started seeing someone, and we're in that weird beginning stage where the rules about Calling and texting are kind of hazy. So I text her occasionally, but not too much because I don't want to seem too desperate or needy. The thing is, she always waits at least a day to text me back, and it really bugs me. In other words, we've never had a text conversation. If someone likes you, shouldn't they text you back the same day? Or even within the first two hours?

Very interesting. Is she not that into you? Well, you know, first of all, I don't believe in these rules and the idea that people should mold to try to fit into somebody else's world. You know, you gotta make sure that you're solid, that you're happy, that the people that you're interested in fit into your world.

Right.

That's a totally different approach. So many people go out there, they're dating, they want to be good enough for this person they like, what if you already are good enough? What if you're perfect and fabulous and worthy of getting the great relationship?

How many times does that happen, though? It's like, okay, there's the initial connection and things start going, and then all of a sudden one of them will change to be what they think the.

Other person wants, and then the relationship's over.

Right. Because what they originally wanted was that person the way they were.

Right. So that's the guaranteed way to blow up your relationships. Guaranteed. Guaranteed. And you can actually be yourself and know that there is someone out there that wants you as is totally different way to approach relationships.

Yeah.

And if you have expectations and you're not communicating what you're looking for, you're not gonna get it.

Now, now, be clear as far as expectations, because expectations that the word expectation sometimes put, you know, puts things like you expect.

Right.

A lot. But expectations can be as little as, you know, just common things.

Well, so I differentiate between expectations and standards.

Okay.

I want everyone to have standards.

Okay.

And so when we have expectations, you're.

Going to blow things up like that. When you say, I expect everybody to have standards, that's not even fair.

You do have standards, and I think that's great. We all should. But when I have expectations, again, it's a guaranteed way to blow things up in the relationship. Because I am wanting something, I'm not communicating. I'm setting it all up to fail for myself and for my partner.

Sure.

So if you want something, know your standards and communicate them. You know, again, these idea of rules, it's, you are who you are, you know, what works well for you. And either someone's going to Be a fit or they're not. So if it's not working for you to have days without communication, why not express that and ask? Check it out. Here's a tool, right? Here's homework first for everyone listening. If you've got a concern before you make an assumption, check it out. So are you mad at me right now? You seem kind of angry. Are you? Maybe they are, maybe they're not. But in my experience, 95% of the time, it's all in my head. So if I check it out, I'm going to know. Oh, is your intention to make me feel guilty about such and such. I mean, check it out. Ask. Are you avoiding me? I haven't heard from you in a day or two. Check it out. Maybe they have something else going on. Maybe they're not that into you. Maybe they prefer phone conversation.

Let me backtrack a little bit to something you said a couple minutes ago about before you got into the, you know, the. The standards and. Da, da, da, da. And the way things kind of work out. How can some people have a problem of looking in the mirror and saying, this is my pattern. This is what I end up doing, and just end up recycling. Recycling.

Right.

How can people kind of diagnose, you know, their patterns if they don't see them? Is there. Is there a way to kind of. To kind of look at. Help people look in the mirror at themselves as far as what they do? Because a lot of times people just kind of go and they do, and they chuck and they jive, and all of a sudden, you know, you end up like, three, four, ten years later, and all of a sudden you're like, oh, my God, I've been doing the same thing forever. You know what I'm saying? So if there's a way to kind of nip it in the bud now, is there a way to kind of help that?

Yeah. So we can't coach ourselves. You know, I have coaches, even for me, because there are things I do that I can't see.

So you're welcome.

Yeah. So you can't coach yourself, but we can get into a greater awareness about what my patterns are so that you can at least identify it. Right. And so, you know, if you find yourself getting scared every time you're in a new relationship, when you don't hear from somebody for a little while, or if you are in a pattern where you think you have to earn attention from your partner, you know, then just start identifying what seems the same. Okay, Just start identifying it. And what I'm doing in coaching, that's very different than traditional therapy is. I say all the time we're waking people up to where they're asleep. People aren't doing these things consciously. We're not, like, trying to manipulate our relationships on purpose. We're not trying to sabotage ourselves on purpose. So if we wake up and get out of autopilot mode, then we can step into leadership in our own lives. What a concept, right? So many people are not taking leadership in their experience. They're. They're kind of living by default at the effect of the people in their lives. In my experience, that does not create fulfillment at all. So you can get more conscious and woken up to the patterns that you're in and what you do when you're scared. And in the beginning stages of relationships. Here are some great questions to ask. Right. What do you do when you're scared? Is a great question to ask. Because if I'm in a relationship, I will have that experience with my partner. I'm gonna get scared. They're gonna get scared.

And, you know, I'm laughing because, like, what I would do is I would turn into a turtle. Is if I get. And it sounds kind of stupid, but I would like, absolutely, like, absolutely go into my shell and I would disappear, and I would just be like, okay, yeah, and that would be it. And, yeah, who knows how long I'd stay in that shell.

And I love that you're talking about it in the past tense.

That we've evolved, maybe. Okay, anyway, continuing off. Okay, back on you. All right.

But, you know, it's important to know what. What your partner does when they're scared, because then you're going to see it coming ahead of time and you might not take it as personally. And obviously, another strategy in relationships is to not take anything personally because it's not about you. Even when the person's telling you that you did something to create their upset, it's not about you. It's something from your past that you're being reminded of. And, you know, it's an opportunity to heal. So you can ask, what do you do when you're scared? What do I do with you when you're scared? Right? Because some people need space, right? Some people, like, I'm a processor, so I want to talk it out, right? So this is how I roll. And, you know, I need somebody that loves me anyway that is willing to talk with me. You know, my husband needs a little space. So we figure it out. You know, he'll tell me, this isn't a good time, I'll say so when is a good time and then we can talk through stuff. But you have to know what you're dealing with. You have to know what your partner needs and wants in delicate situations so that you actually have a shot at being there for him and vice versa. You want to set your partner up to win with you. So letting each other know all of the little idiosyncrasies that are part of your package I think is great and really important. And the earlier the better because either they're going to be able to work with you and they're a match or they're not. And that doesn't mean that you're not enough or that you did something wrong. It just means they're not a good fit. It's important to find that good fit. You don't walk around with shoes that are too small or too big. I hope so. It's the same thing in partnership. Find someone who's a good fit. You're worth it. Communicate. And if something's not working for you, say something. If it's not working for you to not talk to this girl, if she's not responding to your texts, you could say, do you prefer a phone call? Like, why am I not hearing from you? Check it out. Instead of going down this, this road, I call it catastrophizing, where you go to the worst case scenario in your head. You don't even know what's real. Check it out, check it out. Get honest, say what you need and see what happens.

Absolutely. It is. Local life coach Rebecca Silence inspired results coach. Com Email big papa@cnykiss.com More of your emails, more of your questions on a confession Tuesday next here on Kiss fm.