A short studio interview (January 2014) with life coach Rebeccah Silence about people who feel "stuck" in unhappy romantic relationships. The coach distinguishes life coaching from therapy, emphasizes personal responsibility in relationship dynamics, and recommends getting emotionally clear (examining one’s own role, writing out fears/judgments) and working with a professional before deciding to leave. The segment also promotes the coach's website and an upcoming "Manifest Your Dreams" workshop.
Right now, Confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca Silence is in studio. And people are always thinking, you know, there's difference between a therapist or a psychologist or a psychiatrist and a life coach. And I want to make sure that that is, you know, that gets addressed every once in a while because people kind of lump everything all together.
Sure. Yeah. This is not therapy. And I, I think the biggest difference is I'm not diagnosing people. I am just talking about your part in your experience. And we kind of diagnose the problems and the root issues, the emotional patterns, the faulty belief systems that create your experience.
So if you would like more information, go to inspired results coach.com make sure you add them like them on Facebook. Follow them on Twitter. Use hashtag Confession Tuesdays. If you want to talk about anything that you're hearing this morning or any time that, that we're doing this. And of course, it's the kiss dot com. There's a huge, huge library of past segments that we.
That we've done the old stuff.
I want to talk to you about people that feel stuck. A lot of people this. I've heard this a lot over the last few weeks. I want to bring it up to you. People that got into relationships and feel like they can't get out, whether they're, whether they're married, whether they're dating, whether they're engaged, but they're in a situation where they're living together or there may or may not be kids involved and they are emotionally done, but are afraid to take that step, to actually move forward, and they're just kind of stuck in this unhappy limbo. Yeah, I've, I've, I've heard the story a million times over the last few weeks, and I. And it really is, it's, it's alarming that people are in this. You know what I'm saying? And a lot of people are in the. I guess what I'm trying to say is people who put on a happy face in public, you would be surprised how many of those aren't happy. When I get home.
I absolutely understand and see what I want people to get. Whether we're talking about romantic relationships or any type of relationship. How do you know when to leave? Right. How do you know when to leave? And then if you feel like you want to leave, what do you do? So, first of all, I want people to understand that, of course, we've heard a million times you take you with you wherever you go.
So I've never heard that.
Yeah, Okay.
I mean, I get it.
You haven't. You really haven't?
No, I know, I know. I really, I've never. No, you take yourself.
You take yourself with you wherever you go.
I like, I get it, I understand. But I've never heard it before.
Okay. I sometimes don't know when he's kidding with me or not. So you take yourself with you wherever you go. And what I mean by that is if you have not worked with a coach or a therapist or done some work to figure out your part in your scenario in your relationship, I promise you, you don't have to believe me, check it out for yourself. But you will create the same dynamics again in the next relationship. Right. And so what I want with people and what I do with my couples is we really look at making sure both sides are clear, meaning they're not triggered blaming, angry with each other anymore before we decide to end it. So if you've emotionally shut down, I want you to get that that has everything to do with you and not the other person. We can put it on. Well, this is why, because this person did this and this and this to me. But you're the one that shut down. So it's really important to understand that if you're not clear when you leave, looking at you. And you are half. Right. Because every relationship, I don't care what the other person did. You are half of wherever the relationship is at right here, right now. So we dress your half.
I have a huge smile on my face because anybody that I've. You know, when someone's getting. Going through a divorce, there's three sides to a divorce or any breakup. There's his side, there's her side, and somewhere in the middle is the truth. Yeah.
And what really happened. Right.
Exactly. Yeah.
Yeah. But it. See, it takes two. And one of the things that I. That I notice is somebody will take all the blame, Somebody will take none of the responsibility. But what I know, and again, check it out for yourself, is that it takes two and you're each half. So I want people to get their half, get clear before making that decision to leave. Now, if you are clear and you have looked at your half and you're still not sure how to get out of it. Remember, nobody, hopefully, my gosh, has a gun to your head. You're at choice, right. And no one is forcing you to stay, I think what happens and what stops people from actually leaving is fear and not knowing how to set their life up without this other person. Right, Right. Because so many relationships are what we call codependent. Where I'm dependent on the other person. For me, being okay, whether it's financially or emotionally. But people define themselves based on their relationship. Now I'm going to end it. I don't know who I am anymore.
Right.
This is what's very destructive, unhealthy, and scary for so many people. And believe me, I've been there. My relationship history is quite something. Let me just leave it at that. I've learned a lot, but there were plenty of breakups where I had to literally figure out how to start over because I wrapped my entire being up in this person.
And a lot of people would rather stay in the unhappiness than take that first step that, you know, the. And.
Yeah.
And go through the heart, the quote, unquote hard part.
Right.
You know, the fear of the unknown.
And let me explain that because it sounds harsh. Right. You'd rather stay. That doesn't make any sense, but here's why. It's because right now, this is what I know. So I talk about it in terms of we always do what's most valuable to us. Right now, it's more valuable for me to stay with what I know, for me to stay with what's comfortable, than for me to go out and be independent when I don't know how to be independent. For example, I'm making things up. But that's why when he's saying, you know, this right now is what I'm choosing, it's because right now, this is what's more valuable. So what's really fun in my coaching is I make what you're doing really unattractive. We just lower the value so that no longer does this seem like the best choice, and then we can raise the value on what you're saying.
You want quick homework lesson for this?
Yeah. So for this one, I want you to write out all of your fears around ending the relationship and all of the judgments that you have around the other person. This is a hard homework assignment because then I want you to go through those judgments and look at, how is this my judgment with myself? How is this all me? It's when you're upset with people, a lot of the time you're looking into a mirror, you're looking at your own stuff. So you could leave this person or you can get through all these issues. Use that relationship as a teacher for you. Learn something, potentially repair it, get into therapy or hire a coach, or maybe find out that this really is it, but leave once you're confident. So biggest piece of this assignment is don't do anything until you're clear. Don't do anything until you've worked with somebody to get clear and confident before making your decision.
Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com and for the new year coming up on Saturday, a fantastic event.
Join us from Manifest yout Dreams. It's a workshop from 2 to 4 at the Whitesboro Dunham Library and we create a step by step action plan to get you wherever you're wanting to go. And couples, this is great for you too. And I do believe any relationship is repairable if both people are willing to do the work. If one isn't, the relationship's dead in the water. Anyway.
Love to hear your thoughts on what you just heard. Use Confession Tuesday on Twitter and on Facebook. Rebecca, awesome as always.
Thanks everyone. Keep those emails coming. Be warm. Have a great week.
All right, we're going to break. Come back. Big pop in the morning. Kiss FM.
