Confession Tuesday: "Trusting Someone Who Walked Away" 11-12-13

It is a confession. Tuesday, birthday girl, local life coach Rebecca Silence is in studio. All right. So it would be impolite for. For me to ask as far as age wise, even though I already know because we went to high school together, which a lot of people don't realize, but how are you celebrating the birthday or have you already?

Well, last night we started a little early. We went to Macklemore also, which was a great show. I was very happy with that. And then the rest of the day, I'm not really sure. It's unscripted. We'll see what happens. I'm not coaching today, so my husband and daughter, I don't know what they have in mind. I will find out and I will get back to you.

Oh, wow.

But then Mark and I are leaving Thursday. We're doing a destination wedding for a friend of mine in Key West.

Oh, nice.

Very cool. Kind of a little bit of a birthday week, and I get to see a bunch of my old friends from Colorado.

Oh, that's very cool. Key West. You get to. If you rent those little, like, it's like a cross between like a golf cart and a car, and you can drive around downtown and they're awesome. They're really, really awesome. I took a cruise and we had, like, one day in Key west, and that's what we did. We just drove one of those around and, you know, we found Key lime pies.

Love Key West. I can't wait.

Yeah, Good stuff.

Good stuff.

Awesome.

So that's my week. Not bad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That doesn't suck.

Yeah, not at all.

No. Confession Tuesday. I keep wanting to say confession Tuesday live because of the show. It's so funny. But yeah, Rebecca Silence is a life Coach. Inspired results. Coach.com is her website. And you can also like them on Facebook and, you know, follow them on Twitter and this, that, and the other. And it doesn't matter what you're looking for, whether it be for family, whether it be for individual, whether it be for a corporate, whether it be for collegiate, whether it be for high school, middle school, elementary school, reach out. And Rebecca can help in some way, shape or form, which is. Which is really cool.

The company's called Inspired Results. As long as you know what result you're looking for, there's a lot we can do.

And that is. And that's half the. That's half the battle, right? You know what? Well, I want.

I want the result of knowing what I want. We deal with that as well.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

Email bigpapnykiss.com and here on the air on Tuesdays, we field your questions and handle them here on the air confidentially and for free. You ready?

I'm ready.

Okay. How do you trust someone and start a relationship with them if they've walked away twice already for different reasons? Who says they won't again? Mm.

Yeah. So thank you, listener. This is a great question. Everybody take a deep breath and think about how often you've seen the potential in someone or something and you got disappointed.

I think everybody has.

I agree, I agree. We can all find it somewhere. Not necessarily having to be in a romantic category, but where we thought, oh, this is absolutely what's going to happen. Doesn't work out that way. And you see somebody giving up on themselves or not stepping into their power and things don't go well for them. What I'm going to suggest is that when it comes to trust, you gotta be really careful.

Yeah.

Gotta be really careful. Now, I say this. You look at me like, well, duh. But until. So I'm 33 today. I'll tell you how old I am. Probably not until I was like 27, 28 did I start to understand that you really can't trust anybody other than yourself and be fulfilled.

Right?

Okay. I used to be lil Miss heart on her sleeve. I'm just gonna blindly trust everybody because I wouldn't hurt a fly. So I'm gonna make sure I give everybody the benefit of the doubt. It wasn't a good strategy. Now, I wouldn't change it because I learned a lot. But talk about beating your head against a wall. Self trust is so important, and I'm gonna tell you why. Because no one will treat you better than you treat you.

Correct?

You guys hear me say that all the time. But the way you're being treated, I am so clear. And you can check it out for yourself. But I'm so clear the way people are treating you is directly related to how you treat yourself. Anytime I have any conflict type situation with anyone, I actually asked myself, do I do that? With me, some grocery store clerk is yelling or complaining, hmm, did I look in the mirror this morning and give myself a hard time? I mean, really, you can go there and look at does this happen within myself? And undoubtedly the answer will be yes. But check it out for yourselves.

Okay?

So now, this doesn't mean I don't want you to trust anybody. You know, people are bad. That's not what I'm saying. You base your experience with people on history. Now, this is a very delicate dance because we don't want you living in the past and being married to the past and repeating the past. But you want to look at. All right, what evidence do I have that this person follows through people teach us how to treat them just like we teach people how to treat us. So if in a given situation, you know that this person caves on themselves or they have an escape exit called I bail on the relationship every time they're scared. You've got a history and evidence that is pretty consistent, right? Right, sure. So people are consistent, they're consistent. It's not making them wrong. It just might not be the consistency you're looking for. Their consistency might not be a match for your consistency. And what if that's okay? So I just want people to be really careful about, oh, somebody said they wanted this, so I'm gonna believe it. Be really careful because what has history proven? What are their actions? And I used to be the queen of this. A guy would just say anything and I'd be like, okay, I love you so much. I'm gonna listen. You can tell me anything.

Absolutely.

I mean, I actually had a guy tell me once, a guy friend, you know, you are such a smart woman. You are so brilliant. And then you get around men and I don't know what happens to you. I had to really look at that and it was, it was a very true statement because I would, he's like, you have your brilliant hat on and then you get around guys and I don't know what happens to the hat.

And you know, do you find that a lot of people fall for potential? Right, That's. I mean, because that was the, that was the, that was. The first thing you said was, was potential.

Another way to say it is the fantasy or the idea of what you want instead of like the actual person.

I think a lot of people get in one of my past relationship, one of my past long term relationships is you start out and things are going good and it seems like I'm just going by me. Like I got excited about it and all of a sudden I start going like three, four steps. And I know I was in the wrong for doing, but I'm thinking three, four steps ahead and I, I've already got stuff like mapped out, like, oh my God, this is going to be awesome. Da, da da, da da. And you know, the person lived their life and it didn't meet what my expectation was. It didn't meet what my, you know, what I thought was going to happen. And then there was, there was disappointment. You know, does that make sense?

It does. So, you know, I want people to be committed.

I fell in love with what the potential of the relationship could be. Yeah.

And so when you're falling in love with the fantasy or the fairy tale, then you're not in love with the actual person and they don't stand a chance with you because what you're wanting doesn't exist. Now your goals, they do exist. So a different approach to this is to really get clear about what your intention is or your goal for, for yourself in relationships. And we've talked before at length about having standards for yourself that are non negotiable versus expectations which are set up to lose because the expectation requires people to be a certain way for you to be. Okay, a standard is, well, I'm getting it anyway. So you don't need to be anything. If it's not you, it'll be the next one or the next one. Because I'm getting this goal. There's a huge difference there. Huge. So for this listener writing in the question, know what you want, know what your standards are, and then consider the possibility. You know, you're 50% of this dynamic. So what's the lesson for you? Is it to use your voice more? Is it to not cave on what you're actually worth? I don't know. Right. Is it to like? My lesson in the past was to maintain my inner strength, even around man. Like, I don't have to give it up to have a relationship. I had to learn that lesson about 100, 200, 300 times. And whatever your lesson is, it'll repeat until you get it. So look at maybe. Why? Why am I experiencing this? Is there something for me to learn here? And then give the person an opportunity to work with you? If they bowed twice. Well, did you spell it out exactly? This is what I'm looking for in a relationship. It doesn't have to be you. This is just what I want. Is it something you're interested in? Give him a chance. Why not Then, you know, I mean, have you done everything in a way you're proud of to make sure you gave the relationship everything you had?

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com on a confession Tuesday. Awesome as always.

Thanks so much. You just have control over us. Quietner doesn't need to jump through hoops to be with you. They're gonna fall, right? And the relationship will end. And that's no good for anyone.

I'm clumsy. I stub my toe a lot. That's so.

Honestly, I'm short. I can't jump that high. I am.

Happy birthday.

Thank you, everyone. Have a great week.

Enjoy. Enjoy the rest of your birthday. I can't wait to hear about it. And travel safe and enjoy Key West.

Thanks so much.