Dealing With a Situationship

How do you handle being in a situationship, not a relationship, not single. But how do you handle that on Valentine's Day?

You are never having to be at the effect of what the other person is willing to give. We think that we're at the effect of whether or not the person that we want is going to want us instead of recognizing they're lucky if I decide to be with them and if it isn't them, it will guaranteed be somebody else.

Mix 102.5. The best mix from the 90s now. Big pop in the afternoon. It is a mental wellness Wednesday Life coach Rebecca Silence, author of the book Coming Back to Life and recently published in Newsweek. Is that true?

Yes. There's a new article on gaslighting where I was quoted such an honor. And for those that are meeting me for the first time or have never heard me talk about gaslighting, definitely follow me on Instagram at Rebecca Silence and check out the article. It will be shared on Instagram very, very soon.

Man, man. Congratulations. I think that's very, very cool. We are so close to Valentine's Day and I thought it would be good to bring up something that a lot of people are going through and may not know how to handle and that is being in not single, not in a relationship, but you're that that funky in between stage when you're coming up to Valentine's Day and how to handle it, the situationship, if you will. How do you handle being in a situationship, not a relationship, not single. But how do you handle that on Valentine's Day?

Oh, this is so good. So let me just make sure I'm clear. Are you saying that time when we haven't really established what we are and I don't know if I want to broach that subject or is it when you are wanting more than what has been established? Talk to me just a little bit more about situationship in general.

Well, that's the thing. They're all different. So. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So here's the deal. You are never having to be at the effect of what the other person is willing to give. Relationship is all about giving. Recently, one of my Healing is Possible experience show episodes that we re aired. You can go to my YouTube channel, the Rebecca Silence YouTube channel to check it out. But it was my husband and I for an hour talking about 10 years of marriage and our secrets and how we've navigated crises. Everything from me having a life threatening cancer diagnosis to him losing a business and how did we navigate it? Right. But the point is, if you're really. It's almost 11. We've been together almost 12 years. That's as long as you and I have been on the radio together.

Oh my gosh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. I. That just blows my mind because. Because we're not that. Go ahead.

Right. Because Mark and I. Let's just use Mark and I as an example. We were a situation ship, right? We both had commitment issues galore. I remember the first night that we hooked up, we spoke at the end of that and said. I actually said it first. I was like, so I had a one night stand last weekend. And he's like, okay, me too. I'm like, you don't care. Like, oh my. Because I think I've had two. When it stands in my entire life, look at me. Just like putting it all out there right now. But it's true, right? So I approached it with him like, here's me, here's where I'm going in my life and here's what I'm looking for romantically. And we'll see if you're the person or not. And he basically came right back and said the same thing. Here's me, here's what I want, here's where I'm going, here's the work I've done to be in the place to actually believe I can have it. We'll see. And it has been a journey of evolving our situationship. And you can see the show where we share where we were 10 years into the marriage. But the point is where people get all defeated and heartbroken and like want to end the relationship before they've even tried because they don't want more heartbreak. We've all been there, we've all done this right? And. And I hope whoever needs to hear this right now is taking it in if it's not them. Don't let that threaten your self worth, your lovability, or your belief that you get to get what you want romantically, it'll be somebody else. And let's see if it's them versus you trying to Gumby your way, adapting into being the person you think you would to be for them to want you. So if you're in a situationship with gray area, here's my loving, very strong challenge to you. Tell the person what you want, where you are going personally and what you're looking for romantically, and be unwilling not to have it. And then ask them what are they looking for? And then the last thing I want to say on this piece is confidence is so sexy. You being confident about who you are, where you're going, knowing why that is what your path is and unapologetically committing to it. There is nothing sexier and somebody that would be intimidated by your clarity and your power and your path and your direction by next. It's so many relationships before Mark where I would be told things like, literally, the guy right before Mark said, it's like my face is being dragged through the mud behind you, like, how could I possibly keep up? And he wanted me to be less so he didn't have to be intimidated. And that was the end of that. That was it, right? And then now I'm with Mark who's like, all right, so you published book, you did this, you did that. What, what's next? There's no threat, there's no intimidation. And we both just do our thing, separate and create our thing together. And we're not afraid. When either one of us is bored or wanting more, we just put it out there with a trust that that's the correct thing to do. So if you're in a situationship, put it out there because that's what's correct. Don't let the other person's reaction have you intimidated or threatened. And don't be afraid to move past this person to find the right one, because you're not going to settle.

Rebecca, I think there's a lot of people that are hesitant to be as open and honest as you're talking about. A lot of people are. Are nervous to take to take that step, looking at it from a realistic point of view. I mean, because people like, oh, that's great. I just can't. But. But Valentine's Day can be a definite barometer as far as gauging what the other person is thinking before taking that step to have that conversation. You know, does that make sense?

Well, yeah. But here's the deal. You're either in the pursuit of your truth or you're in the pursuit of more heartbreak. Because you pursuing your truth means you never have to be heartbroken because you're not going to betray yourself or break your own heart ever again. So, yes, I get it. It is scary. It is nerve wracking. It is vulnerable. But if you're gonna hedge your bet, if you're gonna wait to see if the other person can handle your vulnerability before you'll be vulnerable, you are guaranteed, you're guaranteeing more heartbreak for yourself because you're never gonna know until you've actually been vulnerable. Can they freaking handle it? And if they can't hear this, it's not that they can't handle you. It's not that your vulnerability was the problem. It's that the relationship is misaligned. It's not correct. So I would much rather find out sooner rather than later. I would much rather reach that inevitable moment where all the truth comes out so I can make the next right choices for me, than be wondering, or worse, just holding myself back out of fear because what if they can't handle me? If you're in that place holding yourself back out of fear because you're afraid they can't handle you, there is no real relationship. It's fake because they're not relating to you. They're relating to the image, the facade that you're presenting. So I'm trying to make this really gross, and I'm not trying to offend or insult anybody, but do you get how gross it is to be fake? And then how do we. How do we get real love and connection when we're the one that's being fake instead of vulnerably and unapologetically true to who we are and letting the person know who in the hell they're actually dealing with?

The sad thing is, I know a lot of married people that can't be their true authentic selves with their partner and have to put up the front on 247 with that.

It's a won't, Gary. It isn't that they can't, it's that they won't. They won't take the risk. Right. And this is where I do couples intensive work. If anybody out there needs the help.

You just jumped in my stuff right there. Dang.

Well, I just need to say that because there are so many millions upon millions. Right. Of Americans, maybe even billions of people around the world think they can't be honest with their spouse. And I'm just saying they won't. And I'm not saying it's easy if you've been kind of playing the game, especially if you've been together a long time, but you can start to be honest. And if you need support, reach out. I just think that's really important. It's never true that we can't be honest with our partner.

Yeah, you're absolutely right. I misspoke. It was more of a they haven't been right.

And I'm so glad you said it that way because that's actually how we think.

Right.

My first husband, he doesn't know really who I am at all. Like, I'll just call myself out like I was fake, fake, fake, fake, fake in that marriage. And that's on me. So I don't know if he'll ever read my book, but if he does, I guarantee he's going to be like I was, I don't even know you. And that was on me 100%. And I thought it was because of him.

The book is called Coming Back to Life. You can get it wherever you get your books. Rebecca. Silence Life Coach. RebeccaSilence.com Check that out. Also, add the Facebook group. What's the name of the Facebook group?

Rebecca yes, we have a free private Facebook community called Healing Is Possible. Join us.

So go check that out. It's a Mental Wellness Wednesday. Rebecca, thank you so much. And we'll talk to you next week.

My pleasure. Everyone.