Dealing With Social Media for Your Kids

Dealing with social media with your kids.

I'm not trying to scare the parents, but I'm just saying let's educate you because that's the best possible thing here, is for you as a parent to be educated so you know what to look for and you know how to educate your child. The number one most important thing is to educate our children about what to look for and about what to report and how to honor and respect and take care of themselves on online. So if you're coming again from the approach of here's what you can do and here's what you can't do, that's only going to go so far. Talk to your kids about one what's important to you, what apps are important to you, what games are important to you, what online communication is important to you and why? No. You trying to tell them how to think or what to do? Not at all. What is important to them.

Mix order 2.5. The best mix from the 90s to now. Big pop in the afternoon. Mental Wellness Wednesday. Life coach Rebecca Silence. You can find her online. RebeccaSilent.com Rebecca, how are you?

So well, thank you. Hello everyone. Happy Mental Wellness Wednesday.

So this week I figure we would talk about something that every parent either has already come across or will come across at some point and that is dealing with social media, with your kids personal story. When my oldest was junior high, high school, you could have, you know, they had a phone and it was just, you know, you're able to get like Facebook and all that stuff on your phone and it was very easy access and they got mad at somebody because they said something that was a secret, you know, teenage drama, drama and went on Facebook, tagged the person and said some of the most horrible things ever. Like, like bad, bad, bad. And it was, it caused the thing and it unfortunately it took that for them to realize, wow, I really have to be careful with this. And I just want to talk to parents that you know how to have that conversation and how to make sure that they understand how serious what they post is, how serious what their, their words are. Like, you can't say I'm going to kill you in school because people will take that seriously because of so, you know, so it's a different world than when we grew up in. And I just, you know, bridging that and trying to not scare their kids, but be frank and honest enough to have that real conversation to realize that, yes, I realized that, you know, you were just kidding. But the words really have weight. And if they make one wrong decision could be some big, big trouble for them.

Well, absolutely. And it isn't even just starting with your teenager. Right. My 8 year old is already, you know, taking my ph and on TikTok or watching YouTube shorts and very influenced by what she's seeing to the point where there was a TikTok about an actress with darker hair and I'm married to a guy that's part Colombian and very hairy and the eight year old girl has hairy arms and it's dark and she had watched this video and this actress that she idolizes had started shaving her arms very young because she was self conscious about her arms. And my daughter hadn't even considered that this was something to be self conscious about. And then we find my razor in her shower and she had shaved her arms. Right. So there is so much here to talk about. Okay. So much here to talk about. And I've got decades of experience working with teenagers and younger kids around, you know, social media at this point, which is crazy to think about. It's been around that long. But here's what I know for sure. Your kids are going to find a way to have social media with or without your approval. I can't emphasize this enough. So there is no stopping or protecting your kids from social media. If they're in school, maybe if they're homeschooled, but if they're not, I mean, my oldest had a burner phone starting in 8th grade so she could have Snapchat. She got another friend to get her a phone with Snapchat because I said no Snapchat. So she had her phone that had no Snapchat but then she had another phone that had Snapchat. And I'm trying to say no Snapchat. And she's like, sure, mom.

And then where there's a will, there's way. Well, I mean that. Take that back to, you know, when we were kids and the generation before us. You know, there were certain, certain TV shows that, you know, certain people weren't allowed to watch or certain movies or, you know, certain, you know, music that they weren't allowed to listen to. But somehow, some way, if they, some, if a teenager, if a kid really wants it, they'll figure out a way to get it no matter what it is. Doesn't matter the generation.

Absolutely. And you know, there are drug dealers on Snapchat and you know, even the gaming, it's not just about social media apps. I've had families call me because their child is gaming, gaming with someone in another state or in Another country that's telling them they're suicidal and they don't know what to do. I've had families call me, help me with my teenager, because gaming, they got connected to someone online that they thought was their age, that then turned out to be older, that then started grooming them. And on my front porch, I'm getting the nicest Nikes delivered. Now this adult is sending my child presents and money and I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm not trying to scare the parents, but I'm just saying let's educate you because that's the best possible thing here, is for you as a parent to be educated so you know what to look for and you know how to educate your child. The number one most important thing is to educate our children about what to look for and about what to report and how to honor and respect and take care of themselves online. So if you're coming again from the approach of here's what you can do and here's what you can't do, that's only going to go so far, talk to your kids about one what's important to you, what apps are important to you, what games are important to you, what online communication is important to you and why no you trying to tell them how to think or what to do? Not at all. What is important to them? Be a space for them to tell you. And then from there, now that you know what's important to them, there are the things like you don't actually get to delete what you've posted. It is on social media forever. Colleges will look at it. Jobs, potential jobs down the road can look at it all. That's true. But we want them representing themselves in a way that they're not feeling limited because when they feel like certain things are okay and certain things aren't, they're going to rebel more. The second you're like, you can't do this. They're going to be like, watch me. You wouldn't believe the families I've coached. And the kids have false accounts, false names. The parents would never be able to find it. The friends know, but not the families. Right. So you want to know what's important to your child and then you want to educate them around how you represent yourself online. Let's just make sure when you go to sleep at night, you can be proud of it. Let's make sure that 5, 10, 20 years down the road, how you presented yourself, how you positioned yourself, you can be proud of. You can see the innocence in it but we don't want our kids using social media as a way to validate themselves, as a way to prove themselves, as a way to fill the void of where they don't know their worth or value and have little self esteem. We want social media and online communication to be about expression and the freedom to be who they are. And the second anything feels off, that's when they come to you as a parent and say, hey, not sure what to think about this so often it can seem innocent and it is innocent. In the beginning. Grooming is all about I'm going to meet you where you are and it's innocent, it's innocent, it's innocent, it's innocent.

I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm sorry to interrupt. Describe for people who don't know may not have heard the word of the term grooming. Can you explain what that is first?

Absolutely. So you and I, and I don't even know if you've seen the news article, one of our gym teachers from high school got arrested for propositioning a 16 year old child. And grooming is the process of I'm someone you trust, maybe even love and trust. And so I'm going to keep manipulating and taking advantage of the trust here until I get you to the place where you feel like I'm so safe and you trust me so much that you'll do things for me and keep secrets because you don't want to lose this relationship. That's the best way I can describe grooming. It's the process of taking trust and turning it into a power dynamic that has a child believing that they are safe with you and not wanting to lose you. I have, I'm thinking about another client who at 12 years old had an English teacher that this person was sleeping with. And even in coaching as an adult in their 40s, they thought no, this was love, I was 12. But no, this was love, I wasn't abused. Grooming makes it so confusing that we don't even know it's abuse because it's just somebody we love and care about. And most abuse. Just side note people we love and care about and trust. So online we have a lot of strangers, right? We don't know them but we think we do. We don't know them but we have emptiness and low self esteem at home and no one to talk to and especially post pandemic. Our kids have so much bottled up and most of it is because they don't have words for it. It's not that they're want bottle everything up, but they don't have words to describe how they feel, and they don't want to feel how they feel. So social media can be an escape. And finding someone that is interested in me and invested in me and cares about me and is offering their attention in a way I've maybe never even experienced it makes me want more, and then it can get to the point where I don't want to lose it. So these are all just things to educate your kids about, and you want to make sure that they have extracurricular activities, that they have community, that they have. You get your kids a coach. You know, one of my favorite things is coaching the kids that you think have it all together because they still have things to process. I coach the crisis cases. But your kids deserve an opportunity to know who they are so that they can know what fits in with them and what doesn't. And that's ultimately, as a parent, what your job is helping them get to the point where they know themselves so well that know what isn't a fit. They know what is a fit. And if there's any red flag, have them talking to an adult at school or you. It doesn't go from zero to 60. It's a process. But I'm telling you, online kids are bold and they are mean, and they try to take their power back and they try to feel powerful in ways that keep them powerless. So I love that you started this segment by saying, we're not trying to scare anybody, but let's educate ourselves and let's be open to having conversations. And then here's where I'll leave it for today. I could talk about this for hours.

I want to make one point before you wrap it up. There have been a few times where if something happens, I want you to be able to come to me as a parent. How many parents are listening to this right now? And if their child came to them and said, oh, my gosh, you know, XYZ just happened, what is the reaction going to be? Is the reaction going to be, see, I told you it's not safe online. Like, if that's the first thing out of your mouth, you're not really safe space for your child, you know, And. And I'm using that as an example because I know so many people and so many parents that do that because that's just their gut reaction, and that really hurts the trust with your child. Am I. Am I wrong?

I'm so grateful you brought this up, Gary, because your reaction is way more potent than what you say to them in terms of I want to know, tell me so. Absolutely. And this happens, by the way, just in your marriage, too. You want your spouse to be able to come.

As soon as you say that, they absolutely will shut down. They're not going to hear anything else you say.

Right. So if you can say, let me just give you some alternatives to told you so, or are you kidding me right now? Which I've certainly said to my own kids, you know, both of those in the past, just, you know, raising my hand and calling myself out. But it doesn't work. It's ineffective. So here's what you can do instead. I need a second to process what you're telling me. Like, you don't have to pretend to be okay when you're not. You can say, wow, this is a little bit tough to swallow. And I am so proud of you for coming to me. And you're not alone. And we're going to figure this out together. And I wish we weren't here, but here we are. Thank you for telling me. As hard as this is, it's hard for you to tell me. I can't believe how brave you are. So grateful you told me. You can go there. My other favorite line with our kids is, and by the way, there's nothing you could do to make me love you less. So we're going to figure this out. We're going to figure this out. I want you to know you're never alone. I want you to know there's never anything you could tell me that we can't deal with together. And a lot of it is your kids just don't want to disappoint you. They don't want to let you down. But they're way more. Especially by the time they're 11, 12, they're not worried anymore about fitting in with the family. And this is what I was going to leave us with. They want to fit in with their peer group, so they'll do anything to fit in with their peer group. And so what we don't want is for them to be willing to do anything to fit in their peer group at the expense of their own self respect. And they're going to make mistakes along the way. So letting them know that's a doozy. Didn't want to ever have to have this conversation, but here we are. So let's have it. Thank you for telling me. Nothing you could do to make me love you less. Do I love this? No. Are we going to figure it out? Absolutely. That's where to go. Educate yourselves, educate your children, be that space that they want to talk to you. And if you need professional support, absolutely, reach out. And I do have lots of resources@rebeccasilence.com and, you know, one of the biggest compliments I get about my book Coming Back to Life is people are telling me it's making them a better parent. So if you haven't read Coming Back to Life, please do. And, you know, just know you're not alone in the social media turmoil that, you know, as parents, we all have to navigate with our kids.

And it's not going to be a quick fix. It's not going to be, you know, snap of fingers and you fix it, it's done. It's going to be a process, just like everything else is a process. And you know, you're doing the best you can and so are your kids. And just keep that in mind as well. It's Mental Wellness Wednesday. Life coach Rebecca Silence. Get all the details about Rebecca and all she has to offer, including there's some free content on there, links to the book, all that stuff. RebeccaSilence.com, rebecca, thank you so much. We'll talk to you next week.

Love you all.