Disagree With Your Kid’s Choices? Here’s How to Set Healthy Boundaries

If you're a parent listening and watching and you have a child and they're trying to, like, push the boundaries of being older and acting older than they are, how can we deal with this?

They care about fitting in with their peers. So you've got to know that, you've got to communicate, respecting that and validating and honestly encouraging that. And then make sure you know what the family values are. Your kid knows what the family values are. And we agree that any hard conversation we're going to end on. Yes.

Foreign 2.5. The best mix from the 90s to now. It's big Papa in the afternoon. Time for another mental wellness Wednesday with life coach and relationship coach Rebecca Silence. How are you?

I am so well and so grateful to be here. Hello, everyone.

All right, so we're getting close to Halloween. And one of the things that parents have to deal with and they have to deal with it on a regular basis, but Halloween, it's really kind of amped up and that is when children want to dress a little bit more mature than their actual age and the comfort level of the parents. And because I, that's, that's been a battle since this, you know, since there were teenagers, you know what I'm saying? So. But it, but it definitely comes out even harder and in fuller force when it comes to Halloween because of, you know, just the stereotype of, oh, what's your Halloween gonna be? Oh, I'm going to be a sexy blank as opposed to I'm going to be a blank. You know what I'm saying? But that just, that kind of lays right into it. So if you're a parent listening and watching and you have a child and they're trying to, like, push the boundaries of being older and acting older than they are, how can we deal with this?

Well, this is such a great conversation, and it's one I have with parents literally daily in my coaching practice. How do I empower my child without promoting or being, you know, I guess the way I would say it is in support of what I know is not good for them. Right? So even this morning, the eight year old comes downstairs, bright red lipstick, dressed to the nines, going to third grade. And so what I want parents to understand is there is a way to empower your children without trying to crush their spirit with while you're still being the parent. Right? So when they're little, right up until I would say eight years old, you get away with do what I say a lot more than you do. Once they're 8 and older so the approach needs to be different. But I think what's really important is to communicate. Here's what I love. And this is exactly what I said to the 8 year old just this morning. Love the outfit, love the lipstick choice. Outfit is on point. I think I said your fit is on point because I think that's how the kids talk. So she's grinning year to year. And I said, and just so you know, red lipstick every day to third grade is not a choice today. Rocket. We're not doing this every day. We're eight. We're in third grade. So I want to empower and encourage and I'm still the parent. Once they're a little older, they're not going to respond to do what I say because I said so. And that's not really a healthy parenting approach anyway. But when you explain here's what's non negotiable and here's why I'm saying it now tell me what's important to you and let's find a way to create a win win. Okay, so game changing.

So I realized that we started off talking about Halloween, but this is more of like a daily conversation because it's bigger than Halloween. Well, but that's, that's what sparked in my mind. That's why I started there. Yeah, but here's. I know parents deal with this on a daily basis, but that's what's in right now. Everyone's wearing it. Why can't I?

Huh? Huh. So this is where what I'm saying is, it's so important to explain why you're saying no when you're saying no. So what I like to tell parents is I'm only going to say no to things that aren't safe or healthy for you. That's it. I'm only going to say no to things that aren't safe or healthy for you. And so what I will do is I'll let you know what the non negotiables are and then I'll work with you on whatever else you want. Communicate with your kids like this. Everything from Halloween costumes to curfews to trends to social media in the everybody's doing it. So why can't I Is going to be something that your child says to you and you can just be a stand for. Because I value your safety. Because I value our family's values more than I value what your friends are getting away with. And now we just have to have a conversation as a family about what the values are and make sure they're on board. I'll never forget when I Talked to my 18 year old, I think she was 13 at the time, and I asked her, what are your core values? What's important to you? So when I'm working with families, I want everyone in the family to get to be who they are, not who they think they're supposed to be. So that's where I'm coming from here, as the coach, right? So I asked my 13 year old, what are your core values? I'm wild, was her response. Wild is my core value. I took a deep breath. To this day, it's her core value. Okay? She is wild, she is fierce, she will not be tamed. Now I want her to be herself, to trust herself, to be free, to know how to follow her free will and agency in a way that she's proud of herself, trust herself, all the things. But I was pretty glad I asked that question, you know, and at the time she goes, I'm wild. I know you're glitter, but I'm wild now. I'm not glitter and I don't value glitter. But I did need to understand, okay, here's what her primary value is. And I explained what mine are. And then we talked about, okay, as a family, what are the boundaries? And boundaries are designed to keep you safe. Not because the world is unsafe or you need to protect yourself, but because everybody thrives in structure. I don't care who you are, everybody thrives in structure. So with your kids, include them in the conversation so that they understand dictatorships don't work, they create rebellion. And sometimes, I'll be honest, as a coach working with teenagers, as a parent with my own kids, I'll start with, here's what I believe the non negotiables are. Now, what's important to you now, how do we find middle ground? And sometimes my non negotiables, if there's a pretty decent argument from my kid, from my client, we can reevaluate, we can reassess and we can uplevel, but include them in the conversation. Explain why you're saying no and never. This is the most important point.

That's, that's, that's what I was going to circle back to because so many, like I remember when I was a kid, it's, it's so. No. Why? Because I said so. And instead of taking, instead of having the conversation because you want you as the parent, understand why, but verbalizing why and explaining it to them so they can see it from your point of view, because they're looking at it from their point of view. They're looking at it from, you know, they, they don't have as much experience in the world so they don't know the things that you already know. Having that conversation and just explaining it's not even a full on cover, it's just explaining why will help so so.

Much, so much and let them communicate to you why their ask is important to them and then you communicate where you're coming from and then you find the middle ground. But here's my most important thought of I think this entire segment always end on solution and a yes don't end the conversation on here's what the no is, here's why, here's what we can agree on, here's what I can say yes to should be where the conversation ends.

I told I hate you and you know, run away and crying and slamming.

Doors and or it's just a no. And and for all of our relationships when you end on here's the problem, here's what's the no and now you put the ball in the other person's court like they're supposed to do something with that it doesn't end well. It just creates a wedge and disconnection. So instead here's what we can agree on. I told the 8 year old we can on special occasions wear makeup to school and we can talk about it in advance and it's just not an everyday thing. But on special occasions, absolutely. And on the, on the special occasions, absolutely. Here's where what you want and when what you want can happen and your conversations there with your kids taking them into consideration because back to the beginning point, all they care about is fitting in with their peer group. They don't care anymore after about seven fitting in with you, they care about fitting in with their peers. So you've got to know that you've got to communicate respecting that and validating and honestly encouraging that and then make sure you know what the family values are. Your kid knows what the family values are and we agree that any hard conversation we're going to end on a yes. It might not be what you want or what I want or the way we originally wanted it, but we're going to end on a win win have that and you can't lose and on Halloween really pick your battles. This is such a bigger conversation than Halloween costume. It's about nurturing your relationship and what if Halloween is the time they get a yes from you so that on the times that yeah this really isn't a good choice or safe. And here's why they got to wear their Halloween costume. Pick your battles. It's not the end of the world and you're the parent. Everyone thrives in structure. Don't be afraid if they're upset in a moment because they didn't like what they heard that you're losing your your kid, they will respect you more the more you show up. The more you provide the structure, the more you are calm, cool, collected and grounded. Give them the structure. Let them get mad and get over it. You're the parent and it's a job that goes so fast.

It's a mental wellness Wednesday Life Coach Rebecca Silence. Go to rebeccasilence.com and get your free spa day for your mind, heart and soul. A spa day for your mind, heart and soul. If you want to find out what that is and get it for free, go to RebeccaSilence. Rebecca, amazing stuff as always. We'll talk to you next week.

Bye, everyone. Thank you.