Fantasizing an Exit Plan: Should You Actually Leave Your Relationship

If you've ever found yourself fantasizing about wanting an exit strategy from your marriage, from your relationship, maybe even as your role as a parent, you're not alone. Nothing's wrong with you. It's totally normal. And today we're going to dive into where are those thoughts and feelings coming from and how do you navigate them without blowing up your life, which doesn't have to be the option. Okay, we're going. Okay. Three, two, one, four. I'm Rebecca Silence, national marriage and family specialist and relationship coach, and this is the healing is possible experience. A show where every single week we give you information, tools and strategies to connect you back to the truth of who you are. It is time that you unleash your extraordinary and let your life feel like yours. And that's what this show is all about. If you would please subscribe to the Rebecca Stylens YouTube channel, click that notification bell so you can get the latest and greatest newest material. And if there's anyone you know and love that you think would benefit from any of my content, please share it with them. Please let them know they're not alone. Hope, healing and transformation, and most importantly, support is always available. And even more importantly, there's never not a moment where we don't have a choice, where we don't have an opportunity to make a our next choice. The good news about choices are they're always on the table and we can either make an empowered choice or a disempowered choice regardless of what's going on. And this is so important because that fantasy around what is my exit strategy? How can I be the runaway bride and not cause harm and not be make too big of a mess? We've all been there. We've all been in a moment where we've wanted to run from a feeling, from a circumstance, from ourselves, from a relationship. But we don't have to make a disempowered choice. We can exit well and empowered if that's what's required and correct for us and until it feels empowered. The biggest message I have for us today is it's not time to go anywhere until and unless it's an empowered choice. It's not time to run. It's not time to, you know, do your version of being on the Ellen show. Hitting the button so you can fall out of the scenario you're in into I don't know what. But at least it's not this. I mean, do you hear how it's never going to actually serve you long term to hit the exit button without a plan and to hit that exit button disempowered, it's going to create a mess and that is unnecessary. I am a coach that says you don't need a breakdown to break through. This is controversial because a lot of coaches and a lot of personal growth experts do believe and subscribe to that theory that we need a breakdown to breakthrough and we need a rock bottom and then we can figure it out. What if you don't need a breakdown or a crisis? And what if no rock bottom is required? And what if you don't have to be dissatisfied and that's the only other solution? So today, three ways to empowered. Choose to liberate yourself without lighting a match and blowing everything up. Okay, three ways that you can move forward empowered. As you find yourself fantasizing about an exit strategy, whatever that looks like for you, let's dive in the first Stay. Stay. Stay with the desire, stay with the emotions, Stay with your feelings until you have clarity. My coach loves to say there isn't always action to take. There's action to take when it's obvious. If you don't clearly see the next obvious right step for you, it's not time to do anything. But what is always going to serve you long term. And I use that term long term because what we want, especially in the moments that we want to run or blow it all up, is immediate gratification. We want instant relief. Right? But instant relief creating more collateral damage. It's not helpful long term. Right. And we get that. I'm not saying anything you don't understand or that you don't already know. But what I am wanting you to hear is what will grow you more than looking for a rescue and a quick fix or that immediate out is staying in the moment so you can grow through a trigger. You're not wanting to run, most likely because everything in your life, everything in this relationship, this situation you find yourself in is terrible. You're wanting to run because you're triggered in almost every single case. So staying with the trigger means staying with you and your capacity to choose and make an empowered choice. But more importantly, your power and capacity to. To transmute and make that trigger your bitch instead of you continue to be at the effect of your trigger. So number one most important thing you can do when you find yourself fantasizing about an exit strategy is stay with yourself. Stay in the moment, stay with your feelings, stay with your emotions, stay with your trigger until you have clarity about what the right best next step is for you. Staying is the hardest part, but here's why. It's always so powerful and it's always so worth, will help you get to the bottom of a pattern that's running your life and maybe even ruining your life and your relationships without you even realizing it. When you stay, you get to break through. You get to interrupt and course correct a pattern, knocking it in a new direction. What's in motion stays in motion. When the trigger gets a band aid put on it, you just play it out again. In another relationship, in another season, in another set of circumstances, activating the same trigger that you haven't dealt with yet. So now let's give you some perspective. I had a couple that I was working with, and they thought for sure the only path forward for them, they'd been married 25 years, three beautiful kids, was a divorce. They wanted to blow it all up. They wanted to run. They were making each other the scapegoat reason for their dissatisfaction and their disappointment with how they felt about life where they found themselves. They came to me and what we did was stay in the moment, getting really honest about, what's this one's trigger? What's this one's trigger? How are we going to navigate all disempowered so that if we leave, if we end the marriage, it's not coming from a triggered disempowered place. It's coming from a very clear, intentional, deliberate, powerful place, knowing we left no stone unturned. We did the work, we stayed in the moment, we looked at what was really going on internally and externally, and we made empowered choices so the triggers didn't repeat. In this case, one of them was very, very sick of losing themselves for the relationship, losing themselves in the name of being a spouse, being a parent, being responsible and obligated to showing up how they felt like they were supposed to show up at the expense of their own independence, freedom, and joy. The other one was triggered because they did not want to be abandoned again in their life. There was a pattern in a history of abandonment. Abandonment wounds ran deep, and they didn't want to be abandoned again. And they were trying to run from their fear of abandonment. The other one was trying to run from the marriage. And that triggered place of being unwilling to lose themselves another second in their own life. Especially because I'm married and a parent. This is how it works. So when we got to the bottom of, okay, what are the triggers that are really going on and what's actually the inspired vision? That's number two today, Right? So number one is stay Stay with the discomfort. Not because you're punishing yourself or a sadist, but because you have the power to neutralize the discomfort and find the clarity and the healing underneath the discomfort that can have you break through this trigger being a thing. And really, we're not taught that our triggers can be completely blown out and healed and done, but they can. They can. This couple, the abandonment wound was no longer the issue. That person in the relationship became way more concerned about abandoning themselves moving forward than whether or not they were going to get abandoned by their partner or life or people they loved. The other one made a powerful decision to never betray who they really are and in the name of love, again made a decision. I don't lose myself in my relationships anymore. It costs too much. It's way too hard on me to continue to be willing to lose myself in the name of love, in the name of anything for anyone. So that couple actually made it work. They're still together. The second step is you've got to have a vision. You've got to have a vision for your life beyond the trigger. When all we're up against is the trigger, the wound, the fear, the pain, the heartbreak, whatever it might be. However that trigger shows up for you. When all that's. When all that we can see is that trigger, you're just putting band aids on waterfalls. As one of my beautiful clients likes to say, there's nowhere to go if the only vision is the trigger. And how do I. Instant gratification, instant relief. Put out that fire. But I didn't deal with it. There's no long term gain there. There's no long term benefit. A vision beyond the trigger. Once you've already done the work to stay, it's everything. So if I wasn't so concerned about this trigger taking me out, what would I want to create? How do you get to the place of a vision beyond the trigger? You ask yourself, well, what do I want to create? What do I want to be different? What do I want now for me? If you're wondering whether or not that type of self talk makes you selfish, yes, it does. Thank God. I want you more selfish. Especially when you're triggered. Because selfish means you're taking care of you first, so. So you can be better for others. There's a big distinction between you being selfish and you being self absorbed. Just all about you, all about you, all about you, all about you is self absorption. Selfish is going. Let me take a moment. For me to get really clear and real with myself about what I want What I need, how I feel, and. And what would take care of me now. And it is so okay to be selfish. You being selfish will help you stay. You being selfish will support you in not lighting a match and blowing everything up. We do not need to burn it all to the ground yet. Especially when you find yourself triggered. Stay vision beyond the trigger journal, meditate. Find your way of accessing information, go for a hike and ask yourself, what do I want now? Even if I haven't seen it done before, what do I want to create now? We in our society defend our triggers and we justify and support each other in blowing up our lives in the name of triggers. Way too much of the time, in my opinion. It doesn't have to be that way. What if we encouraged each other to stay in the moment? What if we modeled that for each other instead of blowing it all up? I'm going to stay and I'm going to get really clear about what's my vision for life beyond this moment. Reinvention is the third step today that I'm offering. Reinvention, big word. What do I mean by that? You have the power and the courage and the strength inside of you. I know you already do. To reinvent yourself. You have what it takes. And you can reinvent without throwing the metaphorical baby out with the bathwater. You really can. You just being someone who stays in the moment, that's a reinvented version of you. If that's not something you typically do, you being the one to say, what is my vision beyond this trigger, this moment, this need to run, this. This fantasy about looking for an exit strategy. What's the vision beyond? What am I wanting to create now? What am I wanting to feel and experience now? What am I wanting for my life now? For me now that I'm not just focused on taking care of everybody else at my own expense or surviving the moment or the situation I find myself in. I'm saying a lot here, but the bottom line is you being in the question, what do I want to create now alone is you reinventing your life. You staying in the discomfort, knowing the discomfort isn't more powerful than you. You're more powerful. The moment isn't more powerful than you. You're more powerful. This is reinvention in action already. And then bigger picture. Long term reinvention looks like. Pick your next one, two, three steps. Don't get too far ahead of yourself. But no, I'm moving in a new direction. I'm creating more next level for myself because I deserve that Because I've been through enough and I don't want more of the same. Reinvention and empowered. Looks like I'm going to own my dissatisfaction and I'm going to become a next level version of me. Moving in the direction towards my vision beyond this moment. Staying with the discomfort until I break through. And the breakthrough is inevitable if you're brave enough to follow these steps. If you haven't already watched the first four episodes of this five part series series around the five signs you've lost yourself and what to do about it. Oh my gosh. Do yourself a favor and watch every single one. They're on the Rebecca Silence YouTube channel. But for now, it's okay to fantasize about an exit strategy. It's not okay to disempowered blow up your life because you'll end up right back in the pattern, in the triggers and in the upset you're in right now. I'm not threatening, I'm just suggesting. That's how it works. When we run from the wound, it wins and it haunts us. When we run from the trigger, it wins and it repeats. When we run from the pattern, it can't heal. So it has to escalate until we finally heal it. Or at least we live with it. And you don't have to. You don't have to live with anything that isn't serving you. But you also don't have to blow it all up in the name of trying to find a sense of power and control powerlessly. I hope this has served you today. You get to have a reinvented vision beyond staying in the moment. And I think that will grow you more than trying to find a way to put a band aid on that waterfall again. I'm Rebecca Silence. I'm so honored to be your guide. I want you to know you're not alone. I had a dog. My first dog. Her name was kayla. We moved 10 times in 10 years before we finally grew roots. And I always joked she was the first thing I committed to on purpose. And we were gypsies together, changing jobs, cities, states, relationships. Until I finally got brave enough to stay and grow some roots. It's safe to stay and grow some roots. You don't have to run. You can stay right where you are and reinvent. One breath at a time and one baby step at a time. Thank you for being with us today on the Healing is possible experience. I've got a gift for you. If you liked this episode and this series and you're ready for more, Please go to rebeccasilens.com, visit my free resources, download your 5 signs you've lost yourself guide and take in that document. Read it, breathe it in. Take what you love and run with it. You are not stuck. You are not trapped. You are powerful beyond measure. I see you. I honor you. I'm cheering you on. The darkness is real, but so is the light in you. And healing isn't promised, but it is absolutely possible for you. I'd love to know in the comments the one next step you will take after watching this episode. And again, feel free to share it with anyone you love. I will see you soon. Love you. Thank you for being here and thank you for being someone who is brave. Thank you and doesn't want to settle. I'll see you soon.