Fight Fair, Love Harder: 3 Smart Hacks to Turn Conflict into Closeness

Foreign, we're live and local. It's Big Papa in the Morning mixed with a 2.5. And it is a mental wellness Wednesday. Life Coach Rebecca Silence RebeccaSilence.com Good morning. How are you? Nice to see you again.

Hello. I am well. I love you all and let's make magic happen.

So one thing, and this is a real basic overview, and this is we can go in a million different directions on this. I want to talk about people that are in relationships and they feel like all they do is fight, all they do is argue. And unfortunately, a lot of relationships end up in that situation, at least at one point in time or another. If you're in a relationship where it seems like all you're doing is arguing and snipping at each other right now, what is a good way to kind of get through that portion of it and get back onto and into the good stuff?

Yeah. So you are so correct that there's so many different places we can go. But this is really a precious conversation. I had a couple yesterday that at the beginning of the session, they were convinced it was over. There was no saving this relationship. And they're a young couple and they have a couple little kids and they love each other so much, but they, they can't stop fighting. So I literally coach this all the time. But just yesterday, I witnessed the most miraculous relationship reinvention. And that's the term I want us to hold on to in this segment today. For all of you listening, relationship reinvention is possible. And all of fight means is that we're conflicted not knowing there is another side that we can get to. And so often we grieve a relationship before it ends prematurely to try to protect ourselves and our hearts because we don't think there's a way out or a way through of the conflict. So three hacks, when you're fighting true, like proven hacks that work, number one, commit to we're going to get closer on the other side of this versus being afraid there's no recovering from this. Commit to we're going to get closer. If both people are committed to getting closer on the other side of the fight and on the other side of the conflict, you will.

I think it's even before that. It's more of a we can get through this before you even get to we can get through this and be closer on the other side. Because a lot of times if you're in the middle of it, sometimes you just feel like we may not get through this.

Well, yeah, but the reason I like we're going to get closer on the other side. As the starting point is, that's like a carrot. Like that makes it worth it. Right? Like that's the gold medal on the other side of this Olympic event that we don't even know if we've trained enough for. Right? Yes, you can get through this. But even better, you can be closer on the other side and not superficially like a deeper foundation as a couple. So that's the first thing. The second thing is, and I say this all the time, we're all bipolar. We all have a version of ourselves that when fear takes over, look out. And then we have a version of ourselves that is calm and centered and grounded and gorgeous and it's easy. What I was working with this couple on yesterday was they were both their fear based, not so kind, not so generous survival selves trying to guard and protect their hearts. But who they fell in love with was the best of each other. So we introduced the best of themselves to the conversation with a commitment to getting closer on the other side of this very real conflict. And they got to be someone they're proud of. Most people when they're in a fight with the other person, they think the other person is the problem. What they're missing is the realization they don't like them in the relationship anymore.

Absolutely. And we have just scratched the surface. If you want to hear the entire segment with Rebecca, you can check it out online right now at mix1025.com Life coach Rebecca Silence. RebeccaSilence.com On a mental wellness Wednesday. All right, so, so we got, we got to the two and now what is, what's the third life hack? What do we got?

Yeah, so when you're fighting, this third hack is super simple, but it's not easy, especially when you're heated in the middle of the war. Right. But please be more solution forward. What most people do when they're fighting is they're deflecting and they're blaming, but they're worse than that, just focusing on the problem. And there's nowhere to go when we're just focusing on the problem. And what I want is for you to get clear about, okay, what's the solution you would like to see. So being solution forward has nothing to do with compromise. And what I did with this couple yesterday was said we need to throw compromise away, like flush it down the toilet. We don't compromise because when we compromise, often what happens is we're self sacrificing somehow we're changing who we are. How many times have you seen in a movie a character say, I changed who I was for you? Oh, my God, please don't do that. And don't think compromise is some magic, you know, good thing to bring into relationship, like society teaches us it isn't. It will lead to resentment. It will lead to so much distance and separation in your relationship. So instead of compromise, I want you solution forward. And this is the magic. We've got to get to the point where we're negotiating a solution that works for both people much different than compromise.

All right. To backtrack just a little bit because this all sounds amazing, but I also. And I've been there myself and you know, because you've been on the other end of the phone.

Yeah, yeah.

It's. There are times where it gets just, why can't they see my point of view? And. But I'm right, you know, like, like people will hold on to those things. But they were wrong. I was right.

Yeah.

And why can't they see my, you know, why can't they see that? And that gets really all encompassing. And so the things that you're saying, you know, right now, those three hacks are amazing. But if you're in the middle of it and that's the stuff that's going through your head, it's tough to like, take a step back and to, to, to refocus. Because when you're in this, when you're in the tornado, you're in the tornado totally.

And here's the thing, I'm just gonna lovingly say this. Be careful what you want to be right about. You know, it's funny, in the beginning of my relationship with Mark, my second hu. We just celebrated our 12 year wedding anniversary. He said to me all the time in the beginning, I'm not wrong. You're. Oh, no. This is what he would say. I'm not making you wrong. You are wrong. This is what he would say to me. I'm not making you wrong. You are wrong. And I'd be like, okay, hold on a second. I'm not wrong. You're not wrong. Help me understand. And let's have. You actually want to understand me right, but you're so right that we want to be like, no, I'm right and you're wrong. And so either you want to be right or you want to be in love and you want to be connected and you want to move forward with this person. There's no I'm right, you're wrong. And anybody wins because here's the other thing. Nobody else is going to tell you this, but I'm, I'm going to tell you this. If I win but you lose, the whole relationship loses.

Yep.

Or if I lose, so you win, the whole relationship loses the relationship.

Explain. Explain why.

Explain why the relationship can't win if both people aren't winning. And the reason why is because I was just talking to another woman, 20 year marriage, now she's going through a divorce and she was crying, saying she became this shell of a person. Every time you say yes, but you mean no, you become less alive, you become more of a shell of yourself. So that's why the relationship doesn't work if either one person are in a win. And that's why my third hack is so important because we've got to be solution forward and we've got to be going back and forth with here's what would work for me, here's what would work for me. You know, last week, here's just a quick example in my personal life, my husband needed to go see family and there was a family emergency. We didn't have coverage for the nine year old. I had an appointment with my oncologist and I knew I was going to need to have another procedure done. I'm fine. It went beautifully, all preventative. But we were like, how are we going to manage the kid life, the trips, my work, my appointment, you know, and we just went back and forth. It took about an hour to figure it out. One of my best friends came with me to the appointment. Mark took our 9 year old with him. Mark, you know, set himself up to win, I set myself up to win and our marriage was set up to win. All on the front end. But we didn't just talk about what needs to happen to pull off these next four days. We also talked about, so then when we get back, what's the plan? So often couples are fighting because there's no plan. And you want to make sure you're set up well on the front end for, during and for after and negotiate a win, win, and it's okay. Another hack I gave this couple yesterday was press pause as many times as you need to. If it gets heated, you know it's okay. If it gets heated, it's okay. If we're human, the goal isn't perfection. But we're not going to go into that surv, fear based, nasty or shut down version of ourselves for any reason. So if you need to take a break, take a break. But I want everybody to know fighting isn't a bad thing. Conflict isn't a bad thing. We can fight fair. We can fight with grace and love and respect. And the goal is to stay true to ourselves so the relationship has a chance and to get to solutions that actually work for both people. My husband has probably said to me 30 times in the last two days, thank you, thank you, thank you for being such a great partner. And I'm not exaggerating. He felt so supported and so seen. And I feel the same way. And when you're willing to have these hard conversations, you get closer. And I promise if that sounds crazy to you and like, no way can I get closer after a fight. Just flirt with this possibility today. I think it'll do you some good. 5% of couples that get divorced actually wanted to get divorced. Almost nobody that gets divorced actually wanted to. They didn't know how to get to the win win. And this is my mastery with couples. I teach you how to win together and as individuals and we build your relationship off of you being free to be yourself. The relationship can't become a trap and go well. If you want a free gift from me to take this conversation Further, go to rebeccasounds.com Check out my brand new masterclass, the Three Must Know Secrets to Heal and Save youe Family. It's totally free. It's so freaking good. And it's a perfect next step after today's segment for all of you.

Absolutely. Again, it's Rebecca Silence.com Mental Wellness Wednesday life coach Rebecca Silence Central New York native. You helped a ton of people today. Thank you so much for the time. We'll talk to you next week.

Love you all so much. Thank you.