Find me LOVE!

Hot seat where today we are taking on finding love. I am Rebecca Silence creator of healing is Possible. And every week, Tuesday at 10am Mountain, we go live. It gets hot, it gets sticky. And we address creating movement through stuck. And we model how quickly the process of breakthrough can happen. Emotional breakthrough. If we aren't where we want to be, there is an emotional breakthrough needed. Period. End of story. So in the hot seat I work with a brave volunteer every week or bring in a leader and healer to discuss breakthrough and to share breakthrough with all of you. With that being said, I have a dear friend, Raju joining us in the hot seat to talk about and take on love. Welcome, Raju.

Hey. Thank you, Rebecca. Oh wow. You said hot and sticky. I don't know about that. Let's see how sticky I get. And sweat sweat when you ask me questions.

Raja, tell us what brought you here. What do you want to get out of this experience in the hot seat today?

Well, I guess I haven't been on a hot seat for a while or in a hot seat for a while, but I think you and I chatted and I love the fact that you have a group called Healing is Possible. And I think a few weeks ago or month ago, whatever it was, we started talking and I think you're on a great, you're on a great mission and there's been a lot talked about about trauma. Everyone goes through some sort of trauma and when. There was an interesting documentary about trauma and healing recently. I don't know if you've heard about that, but there's so many of these out there and the fact that you're looking, looking at helping people know that there is healing possible. I sometimes don't know whether to believe that or not, but I keep I keeping an open mind and you know, I do work with or started to got. I got introduced to shadow work if you.

Yeah.

Know what that means. So, yeah, I've been doing stuff like that. Gold Mining the Shadows by Pixie Light Horse. So yeah, it's been, it's been a journey since my wife died almost six years ago. Anyway, so I digress. But to answer your question, I don't know what I necessarily want out of it or what your listeners or viewers want out of this, but I just want to be able to share in whatever way I can help and maybe I'll get some help too because as we speak we get our own breakthroughs.

Yeah. So I don't want to step over the loss of your wife. That's significant. And I also don't want to step over what you just said about wanting to believe healing is possible. What is it that's preventing you from fully believing that? And I'm not saying that's good or bad or right or wrong.

As I said, I know somewhere deep down in our human souls that are in these human bodies for a short period of time, I do believe that whatever has to happen, has to happen. You can choose to heal or not to heal. I think there is a choice somewhere. So a great human desire is to want to heal. I mean, we, I do a lot of coaching, so I know that, you know, trauma and healing are kind of intertwined because you, you need, you need to heal, to move forward. And we all don't want to live in the past. And a lot of this shadow work is about not living in the past. So I get it and I believe it and I know it as well. But yet there are things that hold you back or pull you back into your normal conditioning and the so called human behavior as opposed to really, you know, if you really feel and you really believe that you're a spirit in these bodies for a short time, then, then you can't live in the past. So partly it's about we keep giving meaning to incidents and events of the past to either drag us down or to move us forward. So it's, it's that little stick. On the one end is fear and the other end is courage. On the one hand is trauma, the other end is healing. And we can draw these spectrums all the way around. So I think we all want to be on the other side of that stick always. Right, courageous, bold, feel healed, forgive and not live in the past. So I think it's a constant, shall we say, you know, desire for balance.

Yeah. And you're real fun to work with because you've done so much work already. You get it so much intellectually. My new tagline is the darkness is real and so is the light. And when it comes to healing, I don't believe it's a cookie cutter journey or experience. I don't know how, how to outlive my past ever. But what I do know is that hurt can get to the point where it no longer hurts. And so if you could get anything for yourself today, I want to know what it would be. I've got to know. I did my job with you in the hot seat by the end of this time, Raju. So if we could create movement in any way, what is it?

I think gladly though, Rebecca, having seen some of your work and the way you communicate, it's all about the light and the healing. I just, you know, heal a little bit more is my goal. Right, so a little bit more.

And then. Can you just be a little more specific? I know we had discussed finding love after the loss of your wife. Is that still our direction?

I have no idea what direction we want to go in, but the fact of the matter is that, yeah, I think it has been one part of my life that we all. I mean, as a single parent to young boys, I've had the challenge of not being able to move on with my life of dating and finding that love. We're all open to love. 2020 has made it more complicated, but, you know, in terms of getting physically out there to date. But the truth is that I don't necessarily think that it's this way or that way and how we meet people, it's, that's just a function of how things happen. In the old days, when I, when I met my wife who was on the subway in New York City, I wasn't, I wasn't, I was really open as far as energetically open to, to being in love for the first time ever. And I was on a different path. And then all of a sudden, a bowl from the blue came and I, and I had to like really feel the shock of it. And they go, oh my God, is this love? And it just took, you know, two times of meeting. Now some things those days, we didn't have the Internet. We didn't have. It was in the mid-90s. It wasn't. There's no Internet. There was no, you know, clubs and so on, except bars and, you know, single events where you could just be part of a book club or do yoga thing. That's the way you met people in this very busy, bustling New York City. Whereas today, today it's a lot more, in a way, it's a lot more open. You can look in the, look in the, all the online sites and find anything you looking for. But it's on the, on the other hand, very hard to actually connect with people at a deeper level. So I think in the sixth anniversary, I think I've only had like a couple of sort of short relationships. And I think I struggled as far as letting go. Even though my wife on her deathbed, you know, asked me to. I might get teary eyed about this. Like, she called me one day into the, into the, into the room and said, hey, I just want you to be open to love again. And I go, why are we discussing Love, you're here, I'm here. Let's be here. And so, yeah, so in that way, I had her permission to go. And, you know, men are different from women. And I just. I found a strong connection to my feminine energy right from that moment on. And I've nurtured that. And so, yeah, I feel her presence. And some of it is maybe I think intellectually I'm not letting go, maybe. Or am I not letting go at a heart level? I don't know. So that's where the.

What if you did know? It sounds very much like you are still connected to your wife, honoring your wife. She meant the world to you. And then on an intellectual level, it sounds like you understand that the how isn't really the issue. The how you're going to find love isn't really the issue. So what's the deeper work, Raju, that we can begin to tackle today? Obviously, in a hot seat. We won't get everything done, but we can create some momentum.

Yeah, I think. I think my heart's more open than it ever has been. But it's. That's another intellectual statement. Is it really? Have I been in a situation where no one's around, kids aren't around, and I'm here, open. I do feel more open than ever before, which is why I even allowed myself to show up here today. So, yeah, that's a step in that direction. So, yeah, I just feel like. And I have moved from the intellectual to the. To the emotional as far as, you know, not putting. Not putting everybody as a comparison to the one person, you know, loved. And then it goes into. If you talk too much about that past, and then it's like, oh, wait, well, wait a minute. That's not fair to the person I'm speaking with. So that's an intellectual thing. And then you start to. When you practice it, then you say, really? Okay, I feel like, you know, I just need to be open at the heart level. So I think I feel, having done a lot of meditations and a lot of work over the past three, four years, I feel I'm more open. But there's always. There's always stuff that comes up.

What. What is it that's still coming up when you think about that possibility of finding your next great love?

Well, it comes up because without sounding, you know, how we are, when somebody passes you, suddenly all you think about is the beautiful compliments. And the eulogy is always positive. It's never, you know, but. But truth be told, I mean, she was a. For everyone that's ever met her even once or twice. She was a. She was a very different person. And I don't mean that just because she was my wife. She was a real angel and I didn't realize who she was until she passed. How weird is that?

Wow.

Meaning, you know, you don't. You take, you take the person you live with for granted. But I mean, I, not, not that I. I'm sure we, we all took each other for granted at various times in life. We were together for about 20, 20 years. The, I think she, she was always heart led. It was never. There was not a. There was not a, there was not a negative word or thought that would come out of that channel through her, through her mouth because she was just who she was, was all joy. She talked about joy. And to me, all of that back in the day, joy, happiness and all that meant the same thing. And the truth was, that's not what it was. I mean, if she got angry, she needed to communicate that I was the person she would communicate that with, but not with anyone else. So everyone, everyone else just thought of her as their best friend. She was their best friend because she just listened. She always offered a very deep listening skill and if they asked questions about her, she would turn it back to them. It was never about her. And I saw that skill, of course, I recognized that and I learned a hell of a lot from her. But I think in her death there was a lot more, weirdly, a lot more enlightenment about life on this earth than I ever did before.

Yeah.

So that's the, that's like the hard one to. Because that's what comes up. Like, oh my God, the next person I'm going to be with. I mean, so, you know, it's not fair. So you intellectually not fair. And then you go, okay, well then in. And as you're seeing more of that person, it just sort of comes up, I'm sure, in ways that I don't even recognize sometimes.

And I don't want to assume I understand your thought process. So say it to me again a different way. So the next person. What's the fear or the belief when it comes to. All right, now I'm bringing in the possibility of the next person.

So it sounds lovely to be able to share my life with someone. I also believe that I don't need to fill someone's need and they don't need to fill mine. Because I think on the, on the progress of spirituality, the path of spirituality, there is only progress. Right. If you, if you are Really a seeker. And you're doing that. So that's my life. That's been my life now for. Since I was 13. But then I kind of went off the side, and then I think my wife and I were together on a very deep spiritual path, and that continues. That doesn't change. So it's sharing life with somebody, not filling somebody's need. And so if it feels for me, as it did in these couple of relationships, that I was just filling somebody's need and that's what they needed me for. And I think that's. That's what comes up more than anything else. So if we're two holes, two holes coming together, that's beautiful. But yin and yang, part of it, like, I'm filling somebody's need, they're filling my need to make us whole. That's. That's probably the biggest. As you're talking, as we're talking, it's coming up to me.

So now do you believe that you can have an experience the depth and the spiritual love that you had with your wife? Again?

I believe that. Intellectually, I believe that I'm talking to your heart, Raja. Okay. I think that's where the issue is. I certainly believe that. And given what I said, like, she was on her deathbed and says that to me, full, full senses. A year. Sorry, A month before she passed. So I feel released from it. So in terms of. Yeah, of course, I feel very open and that I have a lot of love to give, and I'm a loving person by nature, and my four kids are testimony to that. And hopefully my friends and other family are testimony to that. I don't know, but I feel that way. So if I'm here to share my love, then that's all that matters. Right. And it's a coexistence is wonderful, accepting who the other person is as they are. And that's what I like to feel like. We accept who we are to each other.

Yeah. And then I just want to hear a little bit more about what it was like for you and if it would be supportive to close your eyes and even go back to that moment in time with your wife, basically giving you permission to find your next love. What was that like for you?

Well, as I said, it was a role moving experience for me. And. And while I did not, you know, break into tears and all that stuff, but I did afterwards, and I go, wow, how big is she? Right. Yeah. I was in the hospital and I was like, I can't believe that she's thinking about that, you know, and here we are just catching onto every, Latching onto every moment in life that she's got to live. And we all don't know whether we live the next day or the next moment. But yeah, I was really moved by that.

I can't imagine your courage, Raju, is incredible. Incredible and so beautiful. In your leadership, even today in my life, outside of this time with you, your leadership has been amazing.

Thank you.

Today as well. And I. I just want to invite you to go a little deeper, if you're willing, with me. And try not to think about your answer, but let your heart, let your body talk. Why, if you get all this, if you've done all this work, if you are honoring the passing of your wife, experiencing a willingness to step into love now again, what is still in the way?

Oh, my God, Rebecca. You're asking me not to think. And my heart says that I miss her every day. Yeah.

Feel that with you?

Yeah.

What's happening?

I just. I just feel her with me. And she's here with me. You know, we can remove all the pictures from our walls and you know, the hardest thing about these bodies is the memories, right? The memories are the, you know, we can hold on to memories or just let them be where they are and feel like let's move forward. And I'm always looking to move forward. And. And sometimes. Well, not sometimes, but in this particular case, it's hard to move forward at times.

And is that because you miss her every day? Is that just part of it? And there's more. Why is it hard to move forward? I believe you.

I think, I don't think. I think it's the presence, right? Her presence is very much, you know, pervades right. This home. And no matter where I am, we've moved three times since she passed and it's always here, you know, sleeping alone in the same bedroom. It's, you know, can't not but feel her presence to my. Right. And yeah, so sometimes it's beautifully comforting. And at times it's. It's hard times. It's like I asked her, what. What would you do in this situation? If I have a challenge and all of the faith and the three big words that she used to live by was joy, peace and harmony. Joy, peace and harmony. She also said those words a few couple of days ago before she passed, rather to her mother and to me. And deep the joy and the peace and the harmony. So, yeah, I latch on to that for strength and. Yeah.

Raju, can she have your heart? What's her Name?

Kimberly. Kim.

Kim or Kimberly.

Well, her name was Kimberly. We went by Kim.

So can Kim have your heart and you experience your next love?

Say that again, Rebecca.

Can Kim have your heart and you still get to. Because life is so precious, experience your next love?

I think so. I mean, not only did she say so herself, but her heart speaks to me. So. Yeah, but that's where the. Sometimes the split is, right? We intellectually go back to, oh, can you love more than one person in your life or. Well, I. Yeah, I believe so. Of course you can. And so there's no. I don't think there's any intellectually any condition attached to any of it.

You have children?

Pardon?

You have four children. Two with her, two with her. Do you. This is a hard question, but.

Am I keeping my eyes closed too?

You don't have to.

Oh, okay. Sorry, sorry.

Yeah, this is just for you. Whatever feels supportive, but I just want you to think about having four children. I remember when I was pregnant with my second daughter being very confronted by the fact that I had to share my love between two children. I didn't know how I could love a second child as much as my first child. When the second child was born and it was a non issue.

It was an issue.

It was not an issue.

Oh, not an issue. Of course.

No, no, not even a little bit of an issue. I have plenty of room in this heart to love both my children. How do you feel about your four children?

Oh, there's. I could have five more children and it would be okay. I'd be full. Of course.

Okay. Raja, I want you to.

And the children different than part of your.

Is it love? Is love.

As I said, I really believe that there is. I can love, you know, more than one person in my life or more than one or two. Yes. I did have, as I said, you know, a brief relationship or two. I feel I was not ready. But I think that's the last person I felt. I was really. I was really getting into that mode. And I think it was me who got scared more than anything else.

And what was that? What was the fear you hit?

Well, I think I blamed it to neediness. Right. The clinginess and the neediness, which for me. So I think I made that an issue. But that's not. I don't know that that was the case. I think it was more my own fear that I was falling in love again.

Yeah. What's it gonna take for you?

I have never said this to anyone. I can't believe that I'm Saying I'm.

Honored to share this space with you and the work you're doing is.

I don't know if she's ever gonna.

See this, but I'm sure she's seeing it. All of a sudden, the light's shining in my window here and I. What's it gonna take? I want to know, for you to give yourself permission to fall in love again.

You don't think I'm ready? I think I'm ready. I don't need anybody's permission, I think, but yours. Yes. Yes. So I just feel like I don't need anybody's permission. It's my permission that I need to go forward. So I think the very fact that when you and I spoke the last. Last time, the fact that I was even ready to go down this path told me that I was ready. I'm sorry. Jesus, what am I doing here?

This is perfect, Raju. This is healing. We have to move through the stuck. It's so much more than just an intellectual understanding that gets you the new fault. And it's never about figuring out how you're going to get somewhere. And when it comes to love, you're speaking to and for all of us. There is no human being that doesn't struggle with how to open their heart to another. And I can't imagine what you've been through. And six years later, here you are. I. I agree with you. That you have more love to give than you know is even comprehensible. Your heart is magnificent and massive.

You're sweet.

Well, I don't lie. So I really believe that. I really mean it. So will you be open to an exercise with me right now? Can I offer an exercise? You don't have to do it.

I mean, I'm open. Right?

Okay. I want to invite you to just declare to your wife, to the divine, to your soul, that you are absolutely committing to finding love again, starting now. If that feels genuine and sincere and then you can say it in whatever way is authentic to you.

Yes, I'm completely open to finding love again today.

Are you committed to it? See?

Committed to it. I'm committed to it. Committed to it.

Open to finding love. I'm committed to finding love. There's no way that, you know, it was a fluke that you met Kim on the subway that day. You had to have been only open to love, but committing to finding. Yes, right. So.

So that's, you know, I have a little. Again, a slight. What shall I say? Not a difference with the idea, but the notion. Because without affirming it, verbalizing it, and saying this out loud. I mean, we do this. Hey, listen, I coach all sorts of things, and I'm always trying to get people into their hearts, which is what, you know. And this. This part of my life, of the six or seven roles I play, this is. Been the hardest for me is to, you know, for the finding the love part of it. But it's not like you're looking out with a flashlight looking for love in the world. I think you're just being open. So you ask and you shall receive. And then you have to allow this. The allow is the friction for me. And now the allowance is there. And yes, I'm stating it emphatically and I'm committed to finding love. Yes, of course. Yes.

Why is this so important to you?

Because sharing is everything. And then if love is. Love is, you know, is the. Under the underpinning of the joy, peace, harmony, man, if love could. Love should and could change the whole world. And there's so much strife and there's so much conflict in the world, and. And we all know from all the sages and ages of people talked about love, I mean, when you've been in love with, you know, with whatever it means to you, whether it's the love of children and love of a partner or a spouse, I mean, that just to me is like, it is the most amazing feeling when it happens. So. And when it's. When it's conditional and all these things that attach to that, like the. A couple of. A few women have maybe gone out with just seems so conditional. That or age is a problem. Like, oh, okay, well, then that's a condition. I can't. It's a problem. If it's a problem, it's a problem. Whatever that is. Right? So for people, oh, I want to, you know, lose 20 pounds before I can see you. Like, okay. What does that got to do with anything? You know, it's just. I mean, women have said that. So I go, oh, that's weird. You seem like a fit guy. And what does that got to do with anything? You know, it's just we're all work in progress every single day. So, anyway, I digress. So, yeah, I am committed. Yes, I'm committed.

How will finding your next love change your world, specifically?

I think it's. All right. Now, this is gonna sound weird, but I don't know specifically how my world will change. But, you know, clearly this might imply that if I don't have it, I'll be unhappy. No, I'm happy content with what I've got where I am. Sharing is easier and caring. It's wonderful, you know, companionship and you know, doing whatever experiences you want to share together is amazing right now. I do that with maybe my children or family or friends and oftentimes it's good to have a different and deeper sense of that. That would be wonderful to share with somebody. So yeah, my change, it will obviously spill over into other parts of my life which. But again, I don't feel like there is a lack or there is some absence of something somewhere. Therefore if this happened, then that would happen. I don't think in conditions anymore. And I don't believe that that's the case. Sure. This. You feel more fulfilled, of course, in every part of your life.

More joy.

More joy.

Which is you're. What are you feeling?

I'm feeling happy inside me.

I love that it's been such an honor to share this time with you and I would just invite you to stay with this commitment very present on a heart body level. Not thinking about it because as you're sharing so beautifully, there's nothing to do.

There's nothing to do.

Yeah, there's nothing to do. It's just about.