Five Common Family Conflicts that Arise During Holidays

Hey, everyone. You are not alone. If, especially during the holiday season, you experience your family members as difficult or challenging or both. There are so many unnecessary family dramas that happen during the holidays, including just the way people talk to each other, the way people shut down, push people away, lash out, the way people are just suffering from hurt, hurt feelings and not knowing how to communicate. The way people are just so overwhelmed and feeling so much pressure around how they think that they should show up that it creates energy drains and just can flatline us mentally, physically, emotionally, even spiritually. And it just doesn't have to be this way. I'm Rebecca Silence, host of the Healing is Possible experience. And this show is here every week to take you on a journey of hope and healing. And we have some answers for you and we have some ideas for you when it comes to family and holidays and how do you navigate it in a way that just simply feels better and leads to better outcomes? Okay, we're going. Okay. Three, two, one. So let's just dive right in. The first conflict that is very common and can happen during the holidays are people are without meaning to trying to be who they think they're supposed to be. And that does create a ton of pressure. And it's also really codependent. And I don't mean that with judgment. And I'm not it all wanting you to hear that as me being harsh. I'm wanting you to understand that sometimes we care so much, but at our own expense and we didn't even mean to and we didn't even realize we were doing it. So the first conflict that can happen happens even before you've shown up at the family member's home or opened your doors to host your own family members. And that's gearing yourself up and trying to anticipate what could go wrong, what you're going to do about it and who you think you would need to be to keep the peace. So the first conflict is very simply you trying to keep the peace. And it's a lose, lose, it's a no win scenario. And the thing about it is other people's upsets they are responsible for, they are responsible for dealing with themselves, dealing with their emotions, dealing with the issue and deciding if they want to either go to war or create more connection through their issue. You will never be able to get ahead of that or navigate that for anyone you love, even your kids, even your extended family members, even the family members that you live with that you've chosen. So your job is to keep the peace, peace within Yourself by knowing that you're going to be honest and you are allowed to make the decision that you will not betray yourself in the name of peace or love for anybody in your family starting this holiday season. What would that be like? I mean, literally journal about what it would be like to take the pressure off of yourself, that it's your job to keep the peace in your family this holiday season. No, it is not. It is your job to maintain your peace. And that can never happen when you're trying to figure out who you need to be to avoid conflict and to diffuse conflict within your family. Not your job, not a job you can win at, but your piece. That's a job you can win at. Now, the second thing that can happen that is no fun and leads to so much hurt and again, it's so, so unnecessary is when we're holding grudges. If you are going to be with people that you know have a grudge against you or that you have a grudge against, why are we even going to be getting together until that's resolved? Now, I'm not saying push or throw your family members away. I'm saying if you're the one with a grudge, let's deal with it. Either we need to have a conversation and connection and get to the bottom of a new solution that put puts the past behind you, or you're pretending like you're okay when you're not, or you have walls up that actually hurt you more than the other person. Now, if someone else has a grudge against you, that's not your business, that's not your fault. There's nothing for you to do. But you can look at. Do you have grudges that you're holding that are already bleeding into the experience that you could be having before you've even had the time with your family? So if you've got grudges, that means your heart got broken, your feelings got hurt, people weren't kind or sensitive or there for you the way you wish they would be. All that's valid and legit. But get your butt into a coaching session or into a therapy session with some really great support to process that so, so that you're not all of a sudden Eeyore carrying this cloud of pain around that you cannot take with you, that you can leave in your dust because you processed, you moved forward. This person's human. They're doing their best to be their best with the tools they have just like you. And they can't threaten your character. They can't Insult you as a person because you know who you are, because you are very clear about your character, your best being enough. And they can take it or leave it. This is a whole different way to approach family. Now, number three, this one I see all the time where two people and I'm talking about couples. Whether you're married or you're not, you are so attached to the way that holidays have been, but you don't let yourself have a new experience if you are just expecting more of the same. If you are feeling so obligated to continue the patterns and traditions that your family had, your whole childhood, that that pressure of needing it to be how it always was, if that pressure is suffocating the possibility for you to have a new experience, for you to have new traditions, for you to actually think about not just what should we be doing, but what do I actually want this holiday season? Again, sad and unnecessary. Now a great conversation to have with your partner so that you're not just getting swept into family history and now actually getting to have a brand new experience whatsoever. That is whatever you want it to be. Okay, have a conversation with your partner, with your spouse. What about holidays has worked for you in the past? What about holidays has felt good? What about holidays has given you freedom and helped your nervous system relax and brought you joy? Now, if you can't answer any of that, what are your ideas about what you think would feel good, what you think would bring joy and a sense of calm and relaxation and more. More connection. Keep what's worked, Replace the rest. There is no tradition worth selling your soul over to. Make sure mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, cousins, siblings are cool and happy and content. Do what you want, especially this holiday season. Number four is we overextend ourselves. We just do. And it creates so much conflict that could easily be avoided. Don't spend the money you don't have. Don't lose sleep for an image or a perception that now, on the surface, the holiday got to be what you thought it should be, but it actually doesn't bring you joy and fulfillment. What are the ways that you've overextended yourself in the past? And if you were being really honest with yourself, what would you do differently? What would you do differently that actually honors, respects and takes care of you? No overextending. Be true to yourself. Your best is enough. Absolutely. And your presence is enough. You don't have to show up in a way that drains or depletes or frustrates you. This holiday season, you absolutely can leave those innocent mistakes behind you and decide you refuse to overextend. You refuse to try to maintain an image over your own sense of well being. Remember, your kids. Your kids are watching how you navigate this holiday season and your family members and your relationships. All right, now, finally we get to rigid. This is a huge conflict that again, just like the rest, we can avoid if we would just go into the event, the relationship, the holiday, thinking ahead of time about what would set us up to win. And one of the big issues that can happen is we quite literally can wait for other people to be on their best behavior before we'll be on our best behavior. This is a mess. Don't wait to see if other people deserve you at your best. And you show up at your best. You show up at your best. Let that be enough. Have compassion for your humanity. Have compassion for the humanity of everyone you love and care about. But be your best so that you know you were your best. When you're communicating, talk about what's up with you. Here's how I'm feeling. Here's what I need. Here's how I'm wanting things to go. Here are my suggestions for what might feel better. A great hack that I use with my family is I ask everybody what's important to you. Just so I know, here's the number one thing that's most important to me. Ask every single person that I'm going to be with. What's important to you? How do you want this day to go, this vacation to go, this weekend together to go? What's important to you? Here's what's important to me. One of the things that is so common is especially if you're a giver and a caregiver and have a huge heart with your. If you're here with me, of course you do. We can want so badly to hear about what our family wants that we forget to even consider ourselves. It's so sad when holiday and opportunity, it's over. And if you're just exhausted and needing to recover, it's so sad if you're feeling misunderstood, if you're feeling rejected by your family, chances are you didn't take the time to understand you or to communicate your truth. And that right there is actually you without meaning to rejecting yourself. So here's what I want you to know. The family you've chosen, that should be the priority. Your family of origin, your extended family, they're very important too, but not at the expense of what you're building and you're creating with your family that you dreamed up and that you've created for yourself. All families go through conflict because people are misperceiving what is going on. We fight with ghosts based on past wounds, based on past heartbreaks, and we expect more of the same dramas instead of making a powerful decision that this holiday, it's going to be different. This holiday season, I refuse to compromise my joy, my excitement, and my fulfillment. That's my challenge to you. Refuse to compromise how you want to feel. For the sake of an image or for the sake of another person, you decide you get to have a holiday that feeds your soul, that fulfills you, that replenishes you, that inspires you. All families go through all of these issues. Yours isn't unique, we all go through it. But the rare families, the rare families use holidays and conflict as opportunities to connect and enjoy even more life, relationships, ourselves, holidays, it's all meant to be enjoyed. If you're wanting family support, couple support, family support, please, please, please reach out. And this year, for the first time ever, we have some Black Friday holiday specials for you all the way through November 25th that are the most accessible ways that you can work with me ever again. These offers are my premium services that save lives, save marriages and families, and change the experience that people are having about themselves, about each other, and about life. There is so much possibility available to you. There is so much life to live. My experience personally of family, especially during the holidays, used to be so stressful. It would literally feel like the wind was getting knocked out of me over and over again. I put so much pressure on myself. I would put so much pressure on my family to meet expectations instead of just being honest and connecting. And the most important gift you can give to yourself this holiday season and for the rest of this year is the opportunity to get supported so you can be more fulfilled, so you can enjoy life more. And I'm promising you when you're fulfilled and when you're enjoying, you're better to everyone around you. And you set an example and a precedent, especially for all the kids watching, of what is possible during the holidays, which is love and connection and enjoyment. Those are the goals. So honor yourself, take care of yourself, respect yourself so you can do that for everyone around you. Thank you for tuning in to the healing as possible experience. If you feel like like this episode has brought you some gold, some goodness, we'd love to hear from you in the comments what your takeaways are. If you know someone that you know should be watching this, please do share, subscribe to our YouTube channel. Go to rebeccasilence.com for the black Friday special offers only available for a limited time and no healing is possible even this time of year. For you, for me, and for all of us. The darkness is real, but so is the light. And the light is you in your light. It's the medicine the world needs and that your family needs and that you need. Love you so much. Thank you for being here. Thank you for taking the time to watch. Wishing you the most magical and miraculous and fun filled holiday season that you've ever had before. Bye everyone. Sam.