From Trauma to Triumph Rebeccah Silence on Healing Families

Hey guys, welcome to this week's podcast episode. And I've got a fantastic guest for the audience today, Rebeccah Silence, all about emotional resiliency, healing from trauma. She's got a book in the background. She's going to talk about that. And, um, she's a great guest for when you talk about relationships, um, experts and, uh, surviving trauma. So, uh, Rebeccah, welcome.

Well, hello. I can't wait to talk about emotions with you, Chris.

Yeah, I can tell you're a very emotional individual. And so briefly, I know because you have an extensive story, just kind of 1 to 2 minutes, talk about what you do, how you got there, and how the audience can benefit from your presence today.

Yeah, well, I think especially when it comes to business, emotional healing and freedom and regulation is everything if we wanna make the biggest impact possible. I am the space where all healing is possible, and my story of healing through trauma, I don't even think is my greatest accomplishment. It's the life I'm living now, emotionally well and clear, literally no matter what, 100% of the time. So I created what I call the practice of emotional healing. And it was born out of a cancer journey, actually. I had overcome all kinds of domestic violence and childhood trauma, and, you know, I had been practicing the practice of emotional healing, but it didn't have a name yet until I was diagnosed with cancer. Thriving business, dream come true life, married a second time, pregnant with a second child, and I was given a 5% chance to live and a cancer diagnosis while I was 34. And I am very, very clear, the only reason I'm still alive is because I'm not trying to heal my emotions through my mind. I know how to stay emotionally clear and equipped and able to access my own spirit and divine guidance 100% of the time. So we're going to talk more about the practice of emotional healing, but that's a little bit of the story of who I am and how I got here and what I've created that works. Oh, I'm not able to hear you. All of a sudden you're on mute.

Sorry, there's a lot of background noise, so I just mute myself. But, uh, it's okay. Yeah. Um, yeah, so, uh, you know, I always love to start off with themes. And so, um, so I love themes and, you know, kind of talking about, um, just healing. And, um, so you find me— you talk about finding calm in chaos and daily habits for serenity. Share some strategies for doing that and um, how it reduces stress and fosters emotional well-being.

Yeah, well, I think when it comes to emotions in particular, right, in business, we're not only dealing with our own emotions, we're dealing with the emotions of other people, and that can create chaos, right? Like internally in the relationship. And the goal is always win-win. But if I can know the difference between whether or not I'm emotionally clear in a moment I'm not. From there, I can get back to a place of emotional clarity, and then I can be my best with the person in front of me, with the situation in front of me. So I never have the ability to regulate somebody else's emotions, right? But I'm 100% of the time in control of whether or not I am emotionally clear. So the number one strategy I wanna talk about today for everybody is know the difference between your feelings about what's going on around you and the emotions you need to feel so that you're clear and grounded and the calm in whatever storm might be going on within you or around you. So my unique spin on emotional healing is I teach there's only 5 emotions. Everything else is learned. So anger, fear, grief, Joy and excitement are the 5 naturally occurring emotions that we all have as human beings that we're born with. Anything else— fear of rejection, jealousy, competition, abandonment, betrayal— which all show up even in business. None of these are emotions. These are our feelings about what's going on. And so when I know I'm either clear or I'm not, if I'm not, there's an emotion to feel, and I can't make it about my feelings about what's going on. If I want to be clear, I have to get to the point where I take responsibility for the emotion and I sit with it without resistance and I stabilize myself. Because again, from there, from that place of clarity, I don't even need to figure out anything. I'm going to be guided. I'm going to be shown the next right step.

Yeah, I love that. And so though when you say emotions and you sit with it. So what happens if the emotion is a negative one and very unpleasant, like fear or guilt or shame or something triggering?

Right. Well, remember, fear is an emotion. Guilt and shame are our feelings about what's going on, and our feelings are our coping strategies and our protection. Right. So sometimes it's easier to feel guilt or shame than it is to be with the fear, for example. So there are darker emotions and lighter emotions. I don't like to suggest there's good or bad emotions. But what I know is we are our most powerful when we have no resistance. And the thing about our emotions is they are never caused by the other person or what's going on. So couple quick hacks for you. Number one, we don't need a breakdown to break through. So sometimes we'd rather wait until there's some crisis or a breakdown to deal with the fear, for example, then just lean into it. And I can have fear and I can take it with me. And think about it like this: the emotion isn't more powerful than your highest self. So we want your highest wisest self in charge, not your emotions, not your fear, not your trauma, not worry. We want your highest self. So my highest self can go, okay, I have fear. That just indicates this is important to me right now and I want it to go well. So let me take my fear and hold it like a newborn baby and take it it with me, but it's not in charge of this moment or this meeting. I am, right? So the goal isn't to spiritually bypass our humanity or to never have emotions. It's to be able to stay our highest, wisest self in leadership of the moment, taking our emotions with us. And you will have such a better experience if you know The emotion doesn't last forever, and it's not caused by anyone or anything. It's just like emotional weather that's surfacing, and it needs you to address it and hold it literally as if it's a newborn baby. So the fear just means I care, I can take it with me. The anger just means I care and I have passion, I can use it to my advantage. And same with grief.

I—

this matters to me. So the more you're willing to be with the darker emotions and be with them and move through them with your highest self in charge, the more joy and excitement get to be the rule you live by. And that's what we want. You enjoy an excitement as the rule you live by. It's more magnetic, it's more attractive. You'll sell more, you'll be taken more seriously, you'll be more trusted. But the more you're with the dark, the more joy and excitement, the light, get to be the rule you live by.

Yeah, I really love that. And, um, you know, as a, um, as a CEO and entrepreneur myself, and just especially Monday mornings when shit hits the fan and all these things, all these like anxiety things, um, it's important just to like sit with it and just kind of filter out and filter out the noise, filter out the stories, and, um, go with it, as you said. So, um, I love that. Um, The other question, you know, this idea of, you know, you hear people say, I'm fine, you know, this is okay, you know, I'm fine, you know, and then, you know, encouraging emotional honesty at home. And so explore ways to help family members express their true feelings in a safe place, enhancing honesty and connection. How do you do that?

Beautiful question. So I have a master's degree in counseling, 4.0 GPA. Here's what they tell you about fine. In grad school. It stands for effed up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional, but in a dysregulated way, right? So let's not glorify that we're fine. And here are the 3 one-liners that make all the difference in your communication at home with your family, in business with colleagues, team members, coworkers, and clients. Get self-responsible. I love to say the mission is healing, the cure is self-responsibility. So get really self-responsible for how you're communicating. By, by communicating these 3 statements, it will help people understand you better. It will bring you closer, but more importantly, it will bring you to solutions, right? We want to not be fine, and we don't wanna just be passing the problem back and forth like hot potato, right? We wanna get to some solutions here. So I need, I want, I feel. Now, these are very simple statements, but they're so important. So for example, say you're working with your business partner and you just can't get to a mutually satisfactory, like, solution, right? So I need us to get to a solution that works for us both. I am feeling like we're not on the same page, but I'm confident we get there. I want to propose XYZ as our solution. Or you could even get more vulnerable. I'm feeling discouraged and a little bit disappointed that this conversation is feeling hard. I want more than anything for us to work together. I need to remind both of us our goals are the same and we're on the same team. I need, I want, I feel. What you don't want in your communication is any sort of blame, threat or intimidation. You know, I feel like you don't care about me. I feel like you're ruining this project or our ability to be successful. That's not going to go over well. So talk about how you feel and what you need. And it's incredibly effective when you say, I have to admit, I feel scared right now that we're not going to get there, but I need us to get there and I'm committed to getting there. I want you to hear me out with what my ideas are and I want to hear yours. And I'm just admitting this is scary, but I know it's not going to last forever and we're going to get to the other side and we're going to land on our feet like we always do. Right? You can take this wherever you need. If it's with your kid at home, I feel misunderstood. And it's really important to me that you know how much I want to understand and support you right now. I am not the enemy. I am on your side. I am on your team. You can say the same thing with clients, with coworkers, right? But the bottom line is our goals are the same. And if we don't communicate, here's what I want, here's what I need, here's how I feel, I won't get my needs met. I won't get what I want. And I didn't really show up in a way where the other person is going to feel me. And that's the most important thing when it comes to healing and relationship success and success in general is we let people feel who we are. Especially in business. When they feel us, they can fall in love with us and know us and trust us. When they can't, they won't.

Yeah, so well said. And, um, I really love that because, uh, you know, it just gave me some insights when I'm talking to, um, you know, just— I hate to say it really— just like kind of people that offset you or just kind of emotionally dysregulate you. Um, so really, um, next question I have for you is, um, so, um, this, uh, idea of, um, uh, you know, we talk about, you know, you talked about the, the business setting. Talk about, um, just family and, um, how, um, the whole productive meetings, uh, especially between like, um, parent and children and, you know, the whole family.

And I do, if you visit me at rebeccahsilence.com, I have a free complimentary masterclass that I created, the 3 Must-Know Secrets to Heal and Save Your Family. So especially if you want a more what I call delicious and glorious life at home so that you can serve in business even more, check out rebeccahsilence.com and get my free gift. But for now, what I will say is, at home, your levels of dissatisfaction now at home are directly related to how dissatisfied you were growing up. So for many of you, you're super high achieving, you're super successful at work, and then you're giving your all at home and you're just not that satisfied, and it doesn't feel like your childhood all over again, um, except in terms of— let me say it like this— it doesn't feel like your childhood all over again in terms of, you know, you've created better and more. But it deep down, if it still feels unfulfilling and dissatisfying, that's because life at home growing up, that's just how it was. So, so often we turn family into how we grew up, and we're fighting with the ghosts of our past, and we don't even know it. That's the point. So what I want you to be able to do with your family is look at your spouse and see them, the highest them. Not your parents, not your annoying sister or your evil grandparent. This person in front of you. Your kids the same way. We want to have families set up where everybody gets to be who they are, not who they're expected to be, and not you projecting the ghosts of your past onto this beautiful family you created, right? So the most important thing is to stop believing the other person is the problem, right? They're not the reason you're emotionally dysregulated. They are helping you see a weak spot, a trigger, a wound that you haven't healed. And if you haven't healed it yet, whether, you know, this person changes or not, you still have this wound. So we want you to get really responsible for whether or not you're emotionally regulated. And the best gift you can give your family is you feel how you wanna feel no matter how they show up. How do you do that? You know how you want to feel, and you get really intentional, and you don't blame, threaten, intimidate. You don't need them to be okay so that you can be okay. You show up healed, feeling free, feeling the way you want, modeling. Here's— I need, I want, I feel. I want you to answer this for me. And then you want to just nurture these relationships separately and collectively. So what I mean by that is I take my kids on dates one-on-one. My husband and I go on a date every single week. It's like our church, religiously. If we didn't do— this is a great marriage hack for you— a weekly check-in on logistics. We look at the calendar, look at the week ahead, what bases need to be covered. This is not on our date. This is a separate meeting where we're looking at the calendar, we're dealing with logistics, and we're just checking in. How we doing? Anything bugging either one of us? Let's solve all our world's problems and stay ahead of it. Then we have a separate date which is just about fun and connection. We can talk shop and business as long as we're not in this like bitch fest mode, right? As long as it's solution forward. So we have our logistic date, We have our date, date, and intimacy. If we have all 3 of those bases covered during the week, my marriage is rock solid. Then with my kids, there's gotta be a weekly check-in. Now with the 19 and the 23-year-old, it's not always gonna happen. They don't live in the house anymore. With the 9-year-old, it does. But we do our best to stay connected, to really understand what's important to each other separately, what we're up to, and what's important to our relationship. But that time and making taking that time is so important. And above all else, you prioritizing your emotional wellness makes you a way more attractive space for your kids to want to hang out, for your spouse to want to date you, right? But if you aren't okay until everybody shows up how you need them to show up, it's exhausting.

Yeah, so beautifully said. So I know we have around, um, 4 minutes remaining, and I wanted to give you a chance to talk about the book in the background. And how can people—

Yes, yes. Coming Back to Life: A Roadmap to Heal from Pain to Create the Life You Want. Best leadership book. And it really just came through me like a divine download. So I don't even really take credit. It's won a couple of awards, and this book is profound. It will help you see where your patterns that are still repeating personally and professionally can get stopped in their tracks and evolved. This is an empowering, liberating, leadership training experience that you can give yourself. It's phenomenal, and I can't wait for you to devour it. At the end of each chapter, there are exercises and processes to help you take what you're learning and integrate it on a really deep level so it can become who you are and what you do. Um, you can visit me at rebeccahsilence.com. Rebeccah has an H. R-E-B-E-C-C-A-H. Get that complimentary masterclass. Check out my courses, my coaching services, and the book. And just know healing isn't promised, but it's possible, and you are meant to feel great and good, and for life at home to be wonderful, and for your experience of serving humanity to be wonderful.

Yeah, I really love that, and what a fantastic conversation. Um, I encourage the listeners to all check out Rebeccah Silence's book. It's probably— it's on Amazon. Um, give her socials a like and follow, reach out to her. Um, very passionate. And thanks so much for coming on, Chris.

Thank you, and thank you all for listening today. Be careful with each other's hearts, and let's have fun in business and in leadership and in