Getting Through Feeling Not Good Enough - Drop False Beliefs About Yourself - Believe in You!

Of the healing is possible hot seat. The Hot Seat is brought to you by my incredible team and rebeccasilence.com where you can go for absolute gold in terms of any service from free to premium that will support you in your healing journey, that will support you in living your most healed and inspired life, especially now during these cold, crazy historic times. We deserve to be fully alive, fulfilled and free. Go to rebeccasatielens.com for more. And today in the healing is possible hot seat, we're taking on good enough. So if you've ever felt in any way like you're not deserving, not worthy, or not good enough, you don't want to miss this episode. And as always, if you want to free laser coaching support in the hot seat, all you have to do is message me. So with that being said, I want to introduce a very important person in my life and special guest Harmony Irwin who has asked for some coaching today on getting through this very, very real and common experience of not feeling good enough. Harmony, welcome.

Thank you.

I am so glad to have you. Tell us, tell us why you are here. Why did you decide to do this and what do you to get out of this experience?

Well, I feel like I am in a new phase in my life and I'm opening up to more possibility and I'm just hungry for information and I'm sorry, I get very emotional.

Please don't apologize. That's perfect.

I went through a really rough six to seven years getting out of an abusive marriage and I quit drinking. So I'm going on 60 years of being sober and I'm just really ready to dive into who I am and I've always wanted to help other people. So in order to do that, I have to really dig deep and start to love myself a little more than I have been.

Thank you for feeling all healing starts with emotional release, in my opinion. So this is perfect. Can you please just tell me about the emotion? What's happening?

Well, anytime I think when I see you and the distance that I put between us and how I wasn't there for you in your time of need, that brings up feelings of not good enough and me being selfish. Just this whole, the whole idea of healing just brings up a lot of emotion because it's something that's near and dear to my heart. I think this whole world is in need of healing and it means a lot to me to heal and to feel good enough and just wake up every day and not just get through the day. Yeah, I don't want to just get through the day anymore.

And how many people do just go through the motions so people wouldn't know this, but you and I met in a healing arts program as music therapy undergrads and we're best friends through our undergrad and college. And it is so amazing. Just the possibilities around reinvention, you know, and us coming back into each other's lives is a miracle in my opinion. I'm so glad to have you back in my life and to be able to support you today and I feel very supported by you. But let's go deeper now. What is the actual emotion? Because it sounds like there's a lot of story, there's a lot of head chatter, there's a lot of work going on in your mind. And we all do this, we try to intellectualize our way to healing. And in my experience that doesn't work. We have to go beyond the mindset, work beyond the strategy work. So you're feeling emotion is amazing. Do you know what the emotion is that you're feeling?

Um, not really.

So I teach that emotion is different than feelings. So let me just give you something to chew on and let's see what resonates. So in my training, we're born with five emotions and that's it. You have a sweet little boy. So you know, right. He just has his emotions and he is not yet, because he's so little, making up a lot of story about his emotions. Right. So the five emotions that we're born with and just play with this. I'm not saying it's gospel, I'm not saying it's fact. Just play with this. Let's make it simple for everyone watching. There's anger, there's grief or sadness, there's fear, there's joy, there's excitement and that's it. Anger, grief, fear, joy, excitement. Anything else, including this feeling that again, it's very real. Our feelings are real. But when we buy into them and follow them, if they're taking us in a downward spiral, we're screwing ourselves, right? So anger. Your little boy, for example. My little girls, they can feel anger, grief, fear, joy and excitement in a 60 second Spanish without making any of it wrong. It's just the way it is, right? But we learn to reject and to be confused by and to try to stop and shut down emotion. Not all of them, but if we're shutting down any of those five emotions, we flatline anger, grief, fear, joy, excitement. So which of those are you feeling? And it can be a combination.

I think it's a combination of Sadness and excitement.

Wow, that is so honest and so cool. And I think it is amazing when you are leveling up and you had a six to seven year cycle and I don't know if you've heard this statistic that every seven years all of our cells in our body regenerate and every seven years we basically have an entire new body. Right. So you, you've basically come into completing a seven year cycle and you're beginning a new one. What? Perfect, Tim. And who we've been is not who we are. And I think, you know, we don't wake up one day Harmony and like know who we are. We have to wake up and decide who we're going to be. So that's what I'd like to work with you on. But this combo of grief and excitement, can you just say a little bit more about that?

Well, I have a lot of guilt on how I lived my life during the years of drinking because I was very selfish and it was all about the next party and there was no, I didn't really have goals in my life. It was just. It was five o' clock and it's time to party. And that's what my life was like because I was numbing. I just was numbing my pain. And I'm excited now because I got that. I don't feel the urge to drink anymore. I still do a lot of numbing behaviors. I recognize that. But I don't feel the need to go out and party and be the life of the party and put on this fake face for everybody. I'm excited to. I'm excited because I finally feel like I have purpose and I kind of know what I want to do and I'm healing and that's exciting.

I love it. So which hurts more, the experience of not good enough or the guilt?

I'd say they're pretty equal. I mean, the not good enough is sticks with me and it's a. It's a blockage for me. I'd say the guilt hurts because I can't go back and I can't change it. And I hurt a lot of people.

So which is more painful? I get both our areas to work through, but which is more painful? Let's start with the one, probably the neck. Okay.

Because it's preventing me from growth now.

And the guilt maybe reinforces the experience of not good enough.

Maybe. Yeah.

Okay, so I'm going to ask you some crazy questions. Okay. All right. Question one. How old were you when you decided you were not good enough? And try not to think about it. Let your body and your soul speak.

I was very young. I was still probably a toddler.

So give me an age guess. It doesn't have to be accurate or perfect, but how old does it feel?

Five.

Five. Okay. And how old is your son right now?

Four.

Okay, so let's get you through. Not good enough today. What happened at age 5 that you decided you weren't good enough?

I have ADHD. I was diagnosed as an adult and my parents were struggling with their own issues and I was kind of labeled a wild child, as is my son. And I've just done a lot of research on adhd and kids with that type of issue are hearing a lot of negative feedback from adults in their life. So I feel like I heard a lot of negative feedback. And I also learned about rejection, sensitive dysphoria, which is a symptom of adhd. And I'm very sensitive person and I take criticism very hard. So just hearing a lot of negative criticism and. No, no, no. And there's one specific thing that my dad taught me which wasn't meant to be. It was meant to be a positive lesson. But he always said to me, if you are going to be whatever you do, you need to be the best you can be. If you're going to be a garbage collector, you need to be the best garbage collector out there. And in my head that was, well, I'll never be good enough.

Okay? So that right there, the five year old hearing, if I'm going to do anything, I have to be the best, and then deciding I'm never going to win at being the best, that's our issue. Can you find that? It's not in. Labels are so interesting, right? Like you've talked about, um, you're drinking adhd. I'm a cancer survivor. You know this, right? So. And when we knew each other in college, I was clinically depressed, right? So, like labels, they're real, symptoms are real. But what I'm trying to do with people is get to the root of the pain and heal up that stuck age and heal through and release the stuck emotion that has us blocked. Right? The labels are not helpful. They're helpful in terms of research, they're helpful in terms of information. But the second we identify with a label, we've just suffocated our soul and our spirit and our life to death. So I just want to plant a seed that potentially you're identifying with some labels that may be messing with you. Right? Adhd, it's real, but it's also a genius child or a genius person that gets that diagnosis.

But it. It made school hard for me. It made a lot of things hard for me, and it made it. It makes me fearful of trying to go out there and read and learn because I feel like it's so. Like I'm taking guitar lessons right now, and I. He'll start talking and it's like my brain just shuts off and it's like, whoa. And then I feel like he looks at me like, are you there? And I don't like feeling like that.

Let me ask you a different question. We're going to dance around for a second. This is very real. And you're speaking for a lot of people, by the way. Like, your work is impactful and it's going to make a difference. Anybody watching that has ever felt not good enough, I guarantee they're resonating with you and they're connecting to their own work. So thank you for going first and going deep in doing this, but do you want to be a conformist?

No.

Are you a conformist?

Not really. Right.

Is sensitivity a negative?

Not necessarily. Yeah. Then what you do with it.

I think sensitivity is all of our superpower. I'm not trying to be right, but our sensitivity is what connects us to other people and to ourselves into our internal guidance. Right. So somewhere along the way, this story, this belief, this false narrative that you're not good enough, I think fucked with your ability to know what's a yes for you and what's a no and to trust it. And that's, I think, the work. Right. Because you are not an audio learner. Right. You're a kinesthetic learner. So if the teacher is talking at you, it's not going to help you learn, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.

Right.

What's happening is, I'm saying this, what's resonating or what's not?

No, you're right. You're. You're right. It's hard. Not. It's hard. I get stuck in my head sometimes. There's always a million thoughts going on in my head, and I'm always worried about, what's that person thinking? Do they think I'm stupid? Is he thinking he's wasting his time? It's just funny because these lessons were offered to me. This is a gentleman that I've been hiring at work for the last 14 years with my work at St. John's Home. And, you know, he came here to play one day and, you know, we Were just got talking, and he. He offered me these free guitar lessons. And, you know, of course, my head got into, well, why is he offering these to me? You know, what. What is the catch? And, you know, I want to. I really want to be good enough. And so that he wants to continue to teach me, and I'm worried about frustrating him.

So I've got a new very, very dear friend this year. I met him last December. That's now my branding dude. He's awesome. And we talk about how spicy I am and how my brand is spicy and how not everybody wants the spiciest spice and how that's. Okay. On a scale of 1 to 10, how spicy are you?

I'm pretty spicy at times.

There's no at times, Right?

I think it depends on where. On the environment I'm in, but your.

Spirit, your soul, your essence.

I'm. I'm very spicy.

One to ten.

I'm. I'd say I'm a ten.

I would, too.

Okay.

And I think this is why we were like BFFs, right, in college. It was so fun to, you know, not be too much for each other.

Right. And that's the thing, Becca. That's why I love you. Because I have a hard time trusting enough to connect with people. And when I do, it's so special to me because it's hard for me to connect with certain. You know, I'm scared of connecting with people. And when I do meet someone that I connect with, it's a beautiful thing.

Let me ask you this. Are you scared of connecting with people, or are you scared they can't handle your spiciness?

I don't know. I know you want just an answer, but take your time. I'm working on being authentic and being authentically me. And I reconnected with a guy I dated way back when. Do you remember Lance? Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, he's back in my life, and he keeps saying how authentic I am, and I. And I don't see myself. I feel like I put a mask on for a lot of people. So maybe I am afraid of. That I'm too spicy for people. Yeah.

So this is a real quick fix. Not that we need a fix because nothing's broken, but, like, what's the cost? All I keep hearing as you're sharing today is she thinks she. She doesn't measure up. There's something to be that she's convinced she's not. I mean, what's the cost of trying to measure up every day? What's it costing your life?

A lot.

What specifically?

Relationships. And being happy, truly happy. Being able to walk out the door and with my head held high.

Can you sit in a way that you're holding your head high right now?

You want me to hold my head high?

I do. I want to invite you to.

What do you want me to say?

I want. I said I want to invite you to hold your head high. At five years old, being the woman, the goddess that you are today. Looking back, that little five year old didn't want to be the best garbage collector or the best whatever she was. What did she want?

I just want to. I just wanted to have fun.

Is there anything wrong with that?

No.

So we've got some mixed messages about what's right and wrong. We've got you trying to measure up to somebody else's standard. And in my opinion of you, you're a rebel. So that's not going to work very well. Right?

Yeah.

Was there anything wrong with 5 year old harmony?

No.

Can you say that out loud? There's nothing wrong with five year old Harmony.

There's nothing wrong with five year old Harmony.

There's never been anything wrong with you at all.

Can you say that there's never been anything wrong with me at all?

Do you believe that?

No.

What's in the way? I'm not saying all your choices were perfect, but you as a soul, you as a spirit. Has there ever been anything wrong with you?

No.

Can you take that in?

Yeah.

And if you're sourcing from fear, you're learning and you're in a season of your life where you're accessing more possibility than ever before, manifesting guitar lessons, doing some really cool things, doing some really cool things with your son, getting out of a really toxic marriage that felt impossible. You. You get possibility. But I don't think your soul and your spirit in your brain is sourcing from possibility the majority of the time. And that, I would say isn't good enough for you. But it's not that you're not good enough. In fact, it sounds like you maybe are even afraid you're too much. And are you? Are you too much?

No.

Do you strive to do your best every day?

No. You don't.

What would it take for that to be the shift from. From shifting out of I don't try my best every day to I do try my best every day and my best is enough.

Well, me saying that I don't try my best every day is probably the not good enough part of it. But there are days when I just cave to needing Rest and then I get on a pattern of resting too much.

How do you know it's too much?

But I guess I get lazy because it's easier to sit back and just be like, oh, I'm too tired than to actually get up and do the work.

Do you get lazy or do you freeze or do you just really need rest?

I don't know. Well, I can say that I've been learning about Ayurveda and that my body is. I've not been putting the right foot foods and nourishment into my body and doing all the opposite things. And I'm starting to feel like I'm coming alive a little bit more as I'm taking better care of myself. So self care is probably the biggest thing.

Yeah. So I'm just challenging you to really get real with you because nobody can answer this for us and everybody watching. I'm asking you the same question. I mean, is it true that you're not doing your best every day or are you just judging your best is not enough?

Probably.

Which one?

I'm probably doing the best I can in the moment and it's not good enough for my standards.

You're not drinking while you're raising this kid.

Right?

That's amazing. I get chills. We used to party pretty hard.

That was one good. That was one thing I was really good at, was partying.

And now, you know, life can be a party even though you're not drinking. Like the little five year old wants to have fun and she's wild and she's sensitive and these are all good things. Who do you want to be in your life? Because there is no version of you that you're supposed to be or that you have to be.

I. I just want to be me.

Who's that?

I believe I'm somewhat of a caregiver. I care about people. I care about seeing good in the world when there's not a lot. Right now I care about doing the right thing. I've just always wanted to feel peace and happiness.

So the trap I heard in there is this. I always want to do the right thing. How? How can you measure that? Like how. How are you going to know if it's the right thing?

I think you can feel it in your gut.

How do you, Harmony, know it's the right thing for you without making it a.

It makes me happy.

Okay, and what's happiness? Define it for me. There's a lot of labels and generalizations and stories that could trap you and I'm trying to help you release as many traps as possible here this morning. Not that we're solving it all, but I'm not good enough. If that's a belief you have about you and an identity that you've created about yourself, you will only see evidence to support that. So we have to lower the value of not good enough to make room for something new. And I don't know what that new is yet, but define happiness for me. Because without a real definition that your soul believes, how do we win at happiness?

Well, happiness is being content with where you are, where you're at, even when things aren't perfect.

Now, is that something you actually want for yourself, or is that just what you think, think should be happening now?

That's what I want for myself.

So you want to be content. What's content mean to you?

Not comparing myself to other people, where they're at. Not looking at my little apartment and wanting a bigger place. You know, just being content with what I have right now and not wishing and wanting for more.

But why isn't it okay to wish and want for more? Why can't you be in your place and want a better one or a bigger one? What's wrong with that?

Because I feel like we get into that trap of. I feel like I know for myself that you get that thing and then there's something else you want. Like, I just feel like, yeah, at some point you just have to. You have to be happy and content with what you have. Because, I mean, I get. I get you can want more, but sometimes it keeps you. It keeps you in a place of just, like, longing.

Well, I have a magic word for you to chew on, and the word is called commitment. And I think we need to get really intentional with you about what you're committed to and my experience of you. This isn't coaching. This is just an opinion. So take it or leave it. Is you're never going to be content. I don't buy it that you want to be content. I think you want to be able to be present in the moment. And I think you get that things and stuff and achieving goals doesn't change how you feel on the inside. And all that I think is amazing is this resonating with you. But I don't think the goal is content. I think the goal is happy. And I think you can be happy when you get to be wild and fun and free, regardless of what's going on. And you can be wild and fun and free and sensitive and all of it, regardless of what's going on. And still be committed to learning how to play the guitar because you don't know how yet the way you want to. Still be committed to your dream home, still be committed to your dream relationship. Tell me if what I'm saying is landing. What are you hearing?

No, I can wrap my brain around that. Yeah. I'm probably speaking out of all the reading I'm doing for my yoga class right now.

Yeah.

No, I like the idea of manifesting what I want in my life. I guess just when my fight, when I take my final breath, I don't want to have regrets.

Great. So then I think there's work to do with a coach or a great therapist on getting through all your guilt and all your regrets. I think because you've been so afraid that you're not good enough, big dreams maybe seem daunting, but I think I.

Feel like I'm, you know, I'm waking up and I'm. I feel like I'm 44 years old now, and it's like, I know I'm still young, but when you've spent a good portion of your life numbing and just having fun, now I feel like I have to catch up to everybody. Do you know what I mean?

There's no catching up. This. This living in a way where every day you're trying to measure up and you keep failing is no way to live.

Yeah.

You're sober, you have your baby boy, you've got a great job, you've got a great life, and you can still want more and content. I just don't buy it is your ultimate goal. I think it's a great place to strive, to be right. Buddhism, non attachment, content with where we are. Right. But you're a firecracker. What if you stop trying to dim that down, dumb that down, and just let your freak flag freaking fly.

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, what. What would that be like?

Amazing. Like, I. I'm getting more and more comfortable going out and hearing music and being able to dance. But dancing is hard. I love to dance. I love to go out and dance. And whenever I have the music on at home, I long to be able to dance the way I dance when no one's watching, when there's people around, I long for that. I just want to get to a place where I don't care. I don't care. And I know nobody's really watching me. I know that the world's not watching me. I'm not that narcissistic, but I just. I just want to be able to get out of my skin. Like I used to be able to get out of my skin when I drank. I want to. I want to be that. Like that without the craziness.

Right. I think there's some reinvention around happiness and fun and wild like you do have. I'm glad you said that. Like a collapsing of the wild and fun. You came out with the drinking and it's separate. Right. Like the wild and fun. You is your essence and you bring magic wherever you go. And I think we need a new commitment. Beyond. I'm not good enough. And if it starts with you taking 30 days and dancing with your son in that house every day. When I was a single mom with my oldest who's now freaking about to turn 17, we did dance parties every day.

Unfortunately, my son doesn't like to dance as much as I do.

He doesn't need to. He can just. You can start being you at home in your environment the way it is now.

And I do.

Yeah. And he doesn't have to participate. But he's going to see his mom being the version of herself she wants to be that doesn't need alcohol to do that.

Yeah.

That knows her worth. So what's the new commitment?

You're going to need to coach me on that.

No, I don't. Close your eyes. Breathe into your gut. If we could eliminate the part of you that has been so convinced that you're not good enough from your day to day, what would be there instead? What would you be left with?

I am good enough. The opposite of I'm not. I am good enough.

And if you were good enough. Keep your eyes closed. What would your life be like?

Freeing. I wouldn't feel so restrained.

You'd be free. Can you say the words? I am free.

I am free.

What does I am free mean to you? Feel this.

I'm just free to be me. I'm free to feel comfortable just doing and saying and being me around anyone and not being afraid.

I don't know if we're ever not afraid. Harmony. But the fear doesn't need to win. Just because you're afraid doesn't mean anything's wrong or that you're not doing it right. It's just the fear doesn't have to win.

Right.

How does this feel? What's happening in your body?

I like it. It's relaxing.

What if there's no you to find? I like to say authenticity is a moment to moment process. We get to reinvent ourselves over and over and over and over again. Moment to moment keeping what Worked. Letting go of what doesn't. Your job is to be free, to remember you're at choice. And you get to decide. You get to keep what you want, leave the rest, start again in every moment. How does that land with you?

I like it. Yeah.

When you're ready, you can open your eyes. Just tell me what you're receiving.

Just peace. Peace that I know I'm on the right path. I know I'm making the right decisions and being free of the change that I've put around myself would be awesome.

And the only right decision is the one you say is right. Like it isn't at this point in your life about other people understanding or agreeing. I make decisions every day that people are like, what are you doing?

I care a lot about. I seek people's opinions, though, and not always. I'm not probably not always seeking the right people's opinions.

Well, I'll give you a trick, a hack that I use when it comes to who I follow. If they don't have what it is that I am needing coaching on, I am not going to follow that. Like follow people that are doing the thing and then build an army. But you have got to be the guru of your life. When I was sick, I heard what the doctor said and I made my own choices. One being quitting chemo. I just in my Facebook memories today saw the post of when I quit chemo. You commented on it, like back in the day, you know, like you know what's best for you and then some of what in a moment you think is best for you is going to work. And some it's not going to work. And okay, but until you become the leader of your own life, you're going to feel lost. And I'm saying that to all of us. And leadership isn't about perfection. It's about courage. It's about risking it.

That's one thing I've never really wanted to be or thought of myself as, as a leader.

Well, how about you become the leader of your life in pursuing your freedom because no one else can do that for you. And you're right, no achievement is going to fill the voids in you or change how you feel on the inside. But I do absolutely suggest get through the guilt and regret, have some big dreams and goals and lead your life in. You being the decider and how free you are, I would take, if I were you, dry erase markers and put I am free on every mirror in your house and dance with that kid and just know your best is enough. Can you say my best is enough.

My best is enough.

Harmony, you've done amazing work to get where you are to continue your growth, but nobody else has your answers.

You do.

And there is no right way. And I love that. We started out with doing the grief work and I'm sure there's more. Today is just a beginning, but also with you acknowledging your excitement. You've done all of the work to get your environment set up to support you in flying, but when we fly, we have to let go of control and all of the beliefs about ourselves that have us think we're not worth that or we can't do it. I don't know if they go away, but they can certainly be more of a a back burnered part of our lives. Does this give you what you needed?

Yes. Thank you.

What's your final takeaway? Final thoughts? Final takeaway? You're so welcome.

I'm just gonna try to live my life more free, less restrained. Find the courage to do that.

Focus on what you want, not what you don't want and you know and commit to. Won't be perfect. It'll be a mess.

So great.

Thank you for sharing your heart with us and for going here. And thank you for watching another episode of the Healing Is Possible Hot Seat Again. If you want to join me in the hot seat or if you want to work with me privately to launch your life in your next season and in your next direction, reach out. Go to rebeccasilence.com every week. Tuesdays 10am Mountain Join us for the Healing as Possible Hot seat. See everybody soon.