Healing Through In and Out of Commitment.

Ok. Welcome everyone to our healing is possible hot seat one on one coaching. I would like to welcome Annie Evans to the page and to the community. Annie, thank you so much for being brave and courageous and willing to join us this morning. Let's just dive right in. If you are willing, tell us what you would like to coach on today.

Well, at first it was my commitment, my in and out of commitment. And then I saw something that I wrote down a few days ago that made me have goosebumps and have a physical reaction and wouldn't be surprised if it's all connected. Anyway, so this is what I wrote down.

Fill us in. Okay.

Okay. So I want to let go of this, of when people are upset with me, that they're mad at me and I did something wrong, that the relationship is done again. So when I have people in their own shit, I take it on like it's my own. And my first thing is like oh God, what did I do? And I start walking on eggshells. And not just with my romantic relationship with Tim, but it seems in every close relationship I have, I take on their upset at something I did wrong.

So. So is it fair to say that you've been committed to taking on other people upset?

Yes. I knew it was connected. Very fair to say that.

Yeah. Okay, so talk to me about what's so painful. Fill us in. What's so painful? As you're sharing.

It'S going to be hard to put into words.

It's just take your time.

And. And I never thought about what exactly is so painful, just that it is so painful. I'm like. When I'm thinking about it, it's like it's really painful. I get scared, I get hurt, I get anxious. And most of the time it has nothing to do with me.

So let's put it has nothing to do with me on the shelf for a second. Obviously it has something to do with you. If you're having the reaction that you're having right now, is it your responsibility to save the world or make other people happy? And I'm talking to all of us right now. No, that has nothing to do with you. Right. My first coach, Carol Reynolds, used to say, do yourself a favor and let people know my happiness is up to me. You're off the hook. I love that. Right. Like even if I'm making it up that someone hurt me or should be the source of my happiness, they're never going to be powerful enough to fill whatever that void is in me that needs them to be the fuel that has me feeling happy. Right. No one else could be the source of your happiness. So, yes, you can't be the source of other people's happiness. And something is up for you. And one of the things that I teach is that we are responsible for the healing work that we do or not around our triggers. Right. Other people are doing what they're doing. So I'm not suggesting, Annie, that we give other people a free pass or that facts of what actually occurred in situations that are hurtful aren't real. But when I have a trigger, one of the things that I like to do is go, what is the opportunity here for my healing? Because this trigger that done go away. Right. Our triggers follow us around whether we look at them, want to face them, deal with them or not, until we've healed through them, you know, and then onto the next trigger. Right. There's just layers here. So. So tell me what you're hearing and let's talk about what's so painful.

Oh, what I'm hearing is, you know, I. I guess I'm just so of uncomfortable with the uncomfortableness of the trigger that I'd rather avoid it. But like you said, it just keeps reappearing. This has been appearing in my life forever, you know, and what it is. The second part of that question was, can you repeat that?

That's so painful. Like, let's try to boil down what the trigger is and then just explore what is so painful about it. I'm curious, and you're sharing with us that you haven't really gone here before into exploring what is so painful. So let's try to boil down the trigger. We have a goal of commitment, which we can talk about in a minute, but something's here that's painful. So let's do our best. Even if you have to guess at identifying what the trigger is, and then let's just talk about what's so painful.

Right. I think what the trigger is is like this of being dropped and dismissed almost. You know, so if I did something wrong, I just. The relationship is done in my head almost. So I guess the. The trigger is abandonment, maybe. You know, I'm just feeling like, yeah, I'm going to be abandoned.

Okay, so let me just say these four things back to you, and let's try to identify which one we're going to work on. So there's dropped, there's dismissed, there's I did something wrong, and there's abandonment. So of those four, which hurts the most?

Abandonment.

Thanks for feeling this. What's so painful? About abandonment.

I'm not sure what is so painful about it because I do okay on my own, but I know that's probably two different things, you know.

What do you mean? What do you mean you do okay on your own?

I think being abandoned is different than being on your own with a conscious choice to be on your own. You know, like I feel like being abandoned is. I have no control over that. Like, you know, I've been abandoned, that's. I have totally no control over it. Whereas if I'm on my own, it's more of a choice I'm making consciously to be on my own.

So let's come back to the on your own in a minute and let's. It's always a good question right when we dance around it, in my experience. So what's so painful about the. What would you call it? Experience of abandonment? Fear of abandonment. What would you call it?

I guess the fear of abandonment. I don't know. I guess what's so painful is, you know, I've just seen the destruction. It does. I felt it was just very destructive to so many people, you know, being abandoned.

How is being abandoned been destructive to you?

Well, it just made me question everything. It made me question people I thought I knew and trusted. Maybe that's it too. I just. The experience of being abandoned is just. It kind of came out of nowhere. So I'm expecting. I'm expecting things to come out of nowhere sometimes. Okay.

Say more about that. I'm. I'm questioning. So it almost sounds like when you're questioning you're not sure what's real.

Yes. Because what seems real could change in a frickin heartbeat. In the blink of an eye it can change. And that's. I guess that's what I don't do good with is, you know, I'm a free spirit and I roll with so many things, but you know, when things change so quickly when I'm not expecting it, that unsettles me.

So I just want to say back to you. So you're questioning what's real when you're in this fear of abandonment? Yeah, and definitely expecting what.

It to blow up. And I'm just like, I'm. Right now I'm just thinking of, you know, my relationship with Tim. Say that's. That's what I'm thinking of in my head right now. And yeah, I do sometimes question when we hit if it's real just because we're hitting if what's real?

The relationship.

Our relationship. Our love and our commitment. My commitment I guess it boils down to. There you go.

Okay, what are you seeing?

I'm just seeing the whole thing, how it's connected.

Tell us, you know, how's it connected?

This fear of abandonment is probably just has to do with everything, with my in and out of commitment because it just doesn't appear in my personal relationships, but my business relationship as well. You know, I'm. Yeah, I'm afraid for it to blow up. So I don't commit. I commit and then I back off.

And when you're backing off, are you still committed?

I mean, if you're half ass committed, is that committed?

Well, when you're backing off, aren't you committed to backing off?

Yeah.

See, what I'm asking is, are you ever really uncommitted?

Right. So I guess it's just what I'm committed to.

Right. So the in and out, what is it that we're really going in and out of? Leadership?

In and out of staying small or growing.

Okay, well, awesome. So you're in a pendulum swing where you're either. I'm just taking some notes, staying small, growing, and you experience both. Is that what you're telling us?

Oh, yeah.

There's a willingness to commit to growth, but then there's also a willingness to commit to staying small.

Right. That's where the rocking of the boat appears, I think. Why rock the boat? Yes, it's all good.

Why rock the boat, Annie?

Well, because there's so much more. And I had. And sometimes I forget that if I have more, it doesn't mean I lose what I have now. I think that's what I get afraid of.

Yeah. This. What is it?

It's just being afraid of losing what I have now. I never thought I could have.

Yeah. Tell us, what have you committed to creating?

I created just the most amazing life, you know?

Will you tell us about it? Sure.

I have a great business that I'm. I think I'm really good at and I love it.

What's the business?

And then, oh, Gypsy girl, Wood fired pizza events and catering. It would fired pizza. And I do some great catering things. I manifested Tim, my fiance, who's just amazing. My relationship with my kids is better than it ever was. I live in a beautiful place with my animals and a garden. It's just. It's great. So I guess I'm afraid, like, like I said, why rock the boat? And even tempt fate to change anything?

What is it that you're feeling?

Well, first off, I'm feeling like super grateful. Like just listing all Those things that I have in my life, it makes me so incredibly grateful. And it also calms me down a little bit, thinking whatever's real, I'm not going to lose it. Or if I grow more.

Or you will. How do we know? How do we know?

I mean.

You'Ve. You've lost people along the way. We all have. Life has changed. Everybody on this page is here because we want to heal something, right? And the healing is possible. Rocking the boat is necessary. I think it is like, a prerequisite to healing. But life changes. Life changes. We have fires going on all across the country, right? That started, came out of nowhere. They weren't there. Now they're here. Circumstances like that happen all the time. So what's real is life changes. What's real is life's a timed event. What's real is we never know. This is part of why I created this community. Healing is possible. And we have now. What are we waiting for? What are we waiting for? So what did it take, Annie, to have you moving through your fear of abandonment, to be willing to risk creating the business, risk creating the relationship, risk moving to your dream property and location, risk being a stand for an authentic, healed relationship with your kids? What were you doing to get through your fear of abandonment and these instances that you just shared with us?

Well, I just knew I wanted more, and I just. I didn't want to stay where I was. I didn't want to, say, stuck where I was, and I was just willing to do whatever it took. And like, you know, when it comes to relationships, say, with my kids, I just. I sometimes lost faith that I would. Wouldn't have that. But I. It didn't last long. I just always had faith that I could create this relationship. I never didn't know what it would look like, but I just knew it could be different and better.

Where do you think that faith come. Came from? Comes from?

Well, I think what it comes from really taking a hard look at my life and the changes and not selling myself short on all that. I tend to gloss over a lot of things, like all the work I've done and. And I think just really taking a deep breath and looking at how far I've come, you know, that helps me keep faith, knowing. I mean, it's proof, you know what I mean, that you can do the work to grow. Yeah, exactly.

But what about giving yourself permission to have faith and to fully commit to growth when your life is beautiful the way it is, you don't need. Right?

Like, yeah, that's what I'm struggling with.

I know, and this is so true for so many of us, right? It's easy, almost. It not easy, but I think it's easier to commit to growth when we're in survival motor crisis or we know that the life we want is dependent on the growth, so we go for it and put our foot on the gas. But what about when you've gotten out of survival into a possibility that the life you really have wanted, dreamt up and fantasized about is possible? And what now I'm going to go for more?

Right?

Is that what we're struggling with?

That's what I'm struggling with. That's what I'm struggling with.

Okay, so what's your definition of commitment and what's your definition of faith?

Commitment, I think, is doing whatever it takes to achieve the goal that you set. And faith is just knowing intrinsically that it's going to be okay and that whatever it is you're thinking about or wanting, you'll know if it's. If you really, really want it, then you just know it's going to happen. And believing.

Okay, so I want to say these definitions back to you and make sure I understand. So commitment is doing whatever it takes. And then what if doing whatever it takes can go in either direction? Meaning doing whatever it takes can go into the direction of growing into your future or the next level. But it can also be about committing and doing whatever it takes to stay stay in survival or stuck in the world, you know? See, commitment has a dark side. I don't think any of us have commitment issues. We're committed to what we're doing. We're committed to the life we have. We're either in pursuit of growth in the next level and goals, or we're committed to staying in hot pursuit of the life we have now. And the good news here is nobody has to grow. Nobody has to do any work on themselves. I mean, if you're here, you're doing something right. Care about healing, care about growth, or you wouldn't be here. So what if you don't have any commitment issues now with faith? Go ahead.

No, I guess it's just. It's just what am I committed to? Like we said, right?

And are we being intentional about it? Are we being intentional about our commitments or are we sleep at the wheel? Are we being willing to risk growing our commitment without any guarantee of what the results will be? Or are we going to stay in our comfort zone? Right. And faith, you said, is knowing intrinsically that it's going to be okay? How can we ever know it's going to be okay? You, as long as you're still alive, have the capacity to keep growing no matter what shows up. What if that's true, and I'm not trying to change your definition, just for everybody listening, how do we know it's going to be okay? How do we know how long we have? I don't know how to measure that, but I like what you said about knowing and believing it's going to happen. What if you don't have to put the pressure of knowing it's going to be okay on your commitments anymore? What if you can just have faith in knowing, believing that the goal is going to happen or you're going to die trying? How does that sit with you?

Yeah, it does take a lot of the pressure off. You know, my definition of being okay is, yeah, we're all. We all are going to die, but typically things are okay up until then. Do you know what I mean? I mean, you might have suffering and all that, but as long as we're still breathing, we're okay. No?

Yeah, And I'm just challenging that sometimes the situations that we find ourselves in aren't necessarily okay, but we have, especially with faith, the capacity to keep going.

Right?

Right.

Yeah, that's it, too, I think more what I was feeling, just you keep going. We always just keep going.

And then, you know, I teach about faith, courage and power, and faith is about the vision of where you're headed. And I like your definition of knowing that you have what it takes, believing that you have what it takes, even without any evidence, why not just choose to commit to the belief that you can no one believe you can keep going no matter what, and get awake to what you're committed to that you're chasing after here? And if what you're committed to is an experience of abandonment, you're going to create evidence all day long, every day of your life that you could be abandoned and that there's this big threat called abandonment, and it's there, but you don't have to abandon you or your vision or your goals or your dreams. So, Annie, tell us, what is it just one thing that you can commit to today that can start to trump the commitment to Annie being abandoned?

Well, I think I'm going to commit to really taking a hard look at what I'm committed to. I never really thought in terms of. I kept thinking I have issues with commitment, but. But I'm understanding it's not an issue with commitment. It's what am I committed to? And I'm committed to my comfort zone right now because it's so comfortable.

So that's what you're committed to right now, or. That's been the M.O.

That'S been my M.O. but right now, my comfort zone is so much more comfortable than my old comfort zone before. I think I was committed to the drama and the upset, and I had had to grow. I don't have to grow anymore. I have, you know, so I'm comfortable.

So I want you to think about for a second, what's your new commitment? Right. You've been committed to abandonment, and it's comfortable there. And there is. There's so much power in knowing how to navigate the waters that we suffer in.

Right.

But what if we have to stay there?

I think what's hitting me right now, I'd like to really commit to not being so afraid of these breakdowns and trying to. I'd like to commit to see the opportunity in the breakdowns that I inevitably will have in my life with people I love. I would really like to handle that a little bit differently.

I have two questions. Number one, without thinking about it too much, just feel into your body. I'd like to hear about what is the opportunity in the breakdowns if you commit to being with what's real when they show up. What's the opportunity in the breakdowns?

Well, the opportunity is just for growth and for getting closer.

Yes. And a lot of people don't understand that with every breakdown in a relationship, we actually can get closer.

Right?

Right. When I look forward to getting through it, Getting closer, getting new agreements. And there are no guarantees. But what if we pursue breakdowns with a commitment to more intimacy and connection versus damage control? I love that. So I like that you're seeing the opportunity in the breakdowns as a growth opportunity and an opportunity for more connection. But would you be willing to make a new commitment beyond your fear of abandonment for all of us today, for yourself specifically? Like you said, especially when you have a goal, it makes commitment easier for you. So what's the goal now?

My goal, which I was supposed to do yesterday, is find a new kitchen space. And I haven't. Granted, I only had five days to do it. But I think I would like to really move forward with that and commit for new kitchen space.

Okay, cool.

Is that something tangible you were looking for, that type of committed goal?

This is an opportunity for you to have vision for what you're committed to, no matter what, right?

I am committed to that no matter What?

Why is you creating this new kitchen space important to you?

Because, you know, it'll. It'll be one step closer to the idea of a new business plan that I have. I think I was getting hung up on finding a kitchen space and doing everything at once. But I think the next step for me, sometimes I like little steps before big, big steps is just to find a new space that feels really good to me. I don't feel overwhelmed, and it's still growing me. It's still making me uncomfortable.

Yeah. And if it feels genuine, I'd like to invite you to just say out loud, I'm committed to reinventing Gypsy Girl.

I'm committed to reinventing Gypsy Girl.

And it starts with a new kitchen.

Starts with new kitchen space. Yep.

How does that feel?

Feels good.

And I'd love to invite you to. To give us your deadline. Right. You would put yourself in a challenge to create the kitchen space in five days. And anybody that knows that's plenty of time.

No, I know.

Okay. So what's the new commitment now? When are you going to have a kitchen space by. And I'd like for you to post on the Healing as possible page when you have it. But what. What's the commitment?

So my commitment to have a new kitchen space is by October 1st. That'll give me.

Yep.

October 1st.

Okay.

Okay.

How's it going to change your life to create a new kitchen space by October 1st?

Oh, it's going to free me up. It's going to open me up. I'm not going to feel so anxious. I'm going to feel more free. How's it going? I think it's going to open things up.

How's it going to support your relationship to create the kitchen space October 1st?

Well, I feel really good about myself for reaching my goal and my commitment. And when I'm feeling more free, everybody else around me feels much better, too, because it's me and my vibrations higher. I'm just all around more pleasant to be with.

Yeah. And I wonder if there won't be a new level of you being able to trust yourself, that you can stay committed even when you get confronted or it gets hard that you can take into the relationship. Just food for thought. I'm not trying to put words in you. Right. But at a new level of commitment, and we're at a new level of Annie creating the life of her dreams. Got a lot of life left. We're not done. One of my dearest friends, when I was 23 and pregnant with my first daughter and Getting married, having a baby, buying a new house, buying two new cars all in the same year. I'll never forget. She looked at me and she said, what do you have left to look forward to? You're doing it all now. You're 23. For her, that was. Everything you do in a lifetime is have a baby, get a house, get new cars, get married. That was just the beginning. What if all of the work and growth you've done, Annie, is just the beginning? I certainly had a lot to look forward to and so do you and so do all of us. Did you get what you needed today around a breakthrough in commitment?

I did have a lot to think about and I'm. I really took away a lot of things I hadn't thought about. You know, I hadn't. What I'm committed to, I'm always committed. I'm really committed just to what.

And listen, provided you're in integrity and your life cleaned is clean and, and you're doing your best and you stay on the path of commitment, you will get the goals. Now, we are not going to solve everyone's issues in a 30 minute breakthrough session, but we can at least create an opening for some more movement. I am a stand for commitment to the life we want for all of us. Thank you for modeling so vulnerably and so beautifully moving through the uncomfortable that it would be easier to just sit in versus face. But then it keeps our lives all clogged up. Thank you for your work today. I'd love to hear your final takeaways before we let you go.

Well, my final take, my takeaways are, you know, I kind of had a feeling that my fear of abandonment and commitment would be intertwined. But it's pretty, pretty apparent how, how they are and. Yeah, and what I've. I don't really have commitment issues. It's just what I am committed to. And it was really nice thinking about this awesome life that I created. And don't sell myself short on that either.

No, if you could do that, you.

Could do anything, right?

It doesn't get harder than creating the first set of dreams. Let yourself have it. All of you watching and listening. Let yourselves have it right. And you can outgrow your commitment to fear of abandonment. And then it doesn't necessarily go away, it'll show up again. But that every time could just become an opportunity to recommit. Fear of abandonment is here. Time to recommit to the future. Where am I headed? What's the vision? What's the goal? And then you can do one goal at a time. I love starting with the kitchen space. So you're going to have a new kitchen space by October 1st. Please let us know. And then just bonus homework, if you're interested, you could write about kitchen space as a metaphor. What does kitchen space really represent for you in relationship to the life you want? Does it really mean to you to create this space?

Okay.

Give yourself a little more meat to chew on for those moments where it might start to feel easier to just throw in the towel. Those moments are going to happen. But your commitment to the vision, your commitment to having faith in your vision can be stronger than the willingness to hit complacency. Thanks, everyone. Annie, thank you. It's an honor. And we'll see you for our next hot seat.