How to Be More Confident After an Emotionally Abusive Relationship.

All right, welcome, Aubrey, to our hot seat. Healing is possible. One on one coaching with me. Rebecca. Silence. I really appreciate that you are having the courage to join us and go for it with me. Let's have you just share with all of us what it is that you would like to work on today.

Yeah, sure. Thanks for having me on this. I have recently gotten out as, you know, of sort of a tumultuous relationship that involved a lot of emotional and verbal abuse. Might be a strong word, but I don't think so. And so I'm a little shell shocked. And I find myself working when I'm dealing with other relationships and new relationships. I really want to be able to have a little more confidence in how I relate to other people getting clear with my center and who I am and my confidence and not sort of reverting into old thought patterns or, you know, when I'm kind of triggered about things, being able to see that and work through it little better.

Thank you. So I just want to say it back to you so I do know some of your history. And then for everyone watching, we don't prep for these live coachings. We're just diving in. And basically, you and I, Aubrey, aren't sure where this is gonna go, but we're gonna ride the wave. When you're talking about the abuse verbal that you were experiencing, I just want everybody listening to hear me ask you, are you safe? Yes. Now. And if anyone is experiencing any type of abuse or thinks they are, please get support right away. Which, Aubrey, you did. And hearing that, this word, shell shock, really struck me. You know, it's like some new beginnings. So I heard shell shock. I heard you'd like clear vision. You'd like to connect more to who you are and. Am I missing anything?

No, you've got it.

Okay. Can you tell us about the shell shock? Just a score. Describe it, you know, and what I want you and all of us with you this morning to be thinking about is we can't control our circumstances. Right. We can't. Can't control other people or, you know, the weather, and the weather being a metaphor. Right. We can't control what's around us, but we can absolutely find a way to connect to who we are and connect to our center. And I love that direction for us to today. But I want to hear about the shell shock experience you're in.

I mean, the easiest thing that comes to mind to explain it is trying to have a little confidence in meeting new people because I just moved to a new state and I'm recently divorced and trying to make friends and I find myself being concerned about how I'm acting, how am I being perceived by new people, which, as we all know, like, you know, don't worry about what other people think. Be yourself and let people deal with who you are and the right people will come to you. So all of that is in my mind. But when it's really important to you to make a good relationship, when it has been important to me to create, you know, I want to make sure that I'm being my true self and being there for another person that I'm creating a relationship with, I found that my brain immediately goes to intense criticism. Something is my fault. If somebody doesn't want to talk to me, I did something wrong, probably overbearing or I'm probably too this or to that. And I had to process a lot over a couple of days to think about that in one particular situation because I realized, and I just was sobbing the other night realizing that that's the old voice. That's the voice I have in my head because that's what I've been told pretty much throughout at least the recent period of my last relationship, that I can't trust my own thoughts, I can't trust my own feelings. I can't do anything right because it's, you know, I'm going to do something that's going to mess with somebody. And it's always been this, like mystery to me. Oh, I'm doing something wrong and I don't know what it is. So there's this extra stress on top of just the normal stress of dealing with, with people. But I was aware that that was not real, that that thought was not only unnecessarily negative, but that thought had been trained and nurtured into me by a prior relationship. And I want to get rid of that.

I'd like to ask a question about this, if you're open. Where do you think those voices in your head start started? If you had to take a guess? And I'm going to suggest, you know, that for at least this brief. Obviously we're not going to solve everything in one laser breakthrough hot seat session. But for today, I'd like to take any energetic blame off of the past relationship and go deeper. Are you willing to do that with me?

Yes.

Right. Because these voices, thoughts, as you mentioned in Fears, they were there before the last relationship. Right. And you're wanting. I'm making an assumption that I want to check out with you to in your new city, create Basically a support system of relationships that are going to nurture you in growing to your life, to the next level. And so if we're creating a support system and the reason why I'm going to suggest support support system versus focusing on one relationship at a time is, you know, whether we're in crisis or just in a typical day to day phase of our lives where things maybe feel like they're going well, support always helps us have a stronger foundation where we're connected in launching our goals and dreams and inspired vision for our lives. And I've seen over and over again, especially, especially when people are coming out of a divorce or a crisis that they kind of put all their eggs into the basket of one or two people and then those one or two people are human with lives and may or may not always be available or supporting us the way we need to. So I'm going to suggest for you straight away that we work on a support system. You know, when I was sick with cancer, I basically created Rebecca's army and I had an army of support. It still gives me goosebumps to this day and a big small to remember how supported I was. And I want that support for you, is what I'm saying resonating.

Yeah, 100%. And I do think that's a skill that I do have and I've created in my life and it's just gone through a radical transformation. So it's a little bit new and some of my support system is shifting and I'm trying to know, navigate that.

Yeah. And create some new support locally. Right. But back to what you were mentioning earlier about these voices in your head and the criticism and fears around too much. What voice is that who's talking to you that you bought into?

I can tell you exactly. It was like my middle school, 12 year old self that started out being this very confident, kind of eccentric, dorky, amazing little girl and had a social experience that was very traumatic in having people reject and criticize and not want to be friends. And it sounds so when I'm saying it, I'm like, well, everybody had a shitty time in middle school and you have people at school make fun of you or whatever it is. But I think it was particularly hard for me and like kind of dramatic because I was an only child and I was used to always just kind of feeling supported and friendly. And it was the first time I felt like, oh, you know, everyone else knows something that I don't know. And I'm completely.

Tell me about that. What did you think that they knew that you didn't know.

I think because I was an only child, because I was raised with just my mom and not my dad, I always thought, you know, people that had siblings, people that had normal families, were getting some information and some support and some experience, I think, socially that I wasn't getting. And that's part of it, I guess.

So what was that like for you?

What part? The growing up that way or.

No, the part where almost feeling like these peers of yours maybe had an upper hand, that you didn't.

I just. It was, you know, the feeling that if I couldn't trust people to be friendly and encourage me and be supportive in whatever, you know, social media development was going on, then I didn't really have anywhere to go or to ask those questions, like, what did I do wrong? Or what was, you know, what happened in this situation that I didn't see the way other people saw. I didn't really feel like I could ever ask those questions. And I think when you grow up with especially older siblings or a larger family, at least in my mind, it was like, well, then, you know, from the time you're young, you're always being teased and messed with, but it's with people that love you and that care about you, and they're gonna be real with you, even if they're bullying you. But you learn from that. And I just. I was so sensitive to criticism because I didn't have that, and I didn't know where to ask for that.

Or were you just sensitive to criticism because you're sensitive?

That, too.

You talked at the very beginning of our session today about wanting to connect more to your center and who you are. Are you sensitive?

Yes.

Do you own that as a gift or a benefit to your life and to the lives of other people, or do you criticize and make that sensitivity wrong?

Probably more of the latter. I've tried to overcome it.

What if sensitivity is not something for you to overcome, Aubrey, but something to embrace and honor? See, I think our.

I'm trying to see it more like that.

I think our sensitivity is a superpower, and certain people are more sensitive than others. But I see essentially an epidemic of people shutting down their sensitivity. And I'd just like to ask you, you know, what's. What's the cost of you shutting down your sensitivity and making it wrong? What's it been?

I mean, one of the first things that comes to mind is parenting with my two sons, because I have a tendency not to empathize immediately because I'm So in the habit of saying, okay, problem solve, you know, instead of just feel your emotions and be okay with it. And I don't want to put that on my kids.

Yeah, right. Because they're your kids and likely sensitive. So if in, close your eyes, if it feels genuine, if you could just go back to age 12 with those kids and watch that experience almost like you're watching a movie, you know, if you at 12 had owned your sensitivity or had, had someone say to you, aubrey, there's nothing wrong with you, you know, kids are kids and you're sensitive and you get to choose who you want to be around and why. I mean, what would have happened for you if you had recognized your sensitivity as a strength versus something to overcome at age 12?

I think I would have been open to a lot more things that I really wanted to do. You know, I was in art school and high school and this, this feeling of inferiority continued, like everyone's got something that I haven't figured out. But if I had been in touch with that and been more confident about, this is just who I am. And this is my vision and this is my reaction to the world. And I want to show that, you know, for example, in artwork, rather than trying to compete with other people, which is completely ridiculous, especially in the art realm, but let alone, you know, in social or academic situations. But that's kind of what comes to mind is I would have been able to express myself a lot more and felt better about it, which would have grown those good things, you know, rather than shut them down.

So the 12 year old felt inferior, was critical, especially had sensitivity as wrong and was in competition with other people.

Yeah.

Okay. So when you hit this uncertainty or disconnection from your center, what if that's just the 12 year old going into her autopilot and survival.

Very possible.

And what if the 12 year old sensitivity was never wrong and access to you, so there's more deep work obviously to do to work on that 12 year old's experience. And there's work around growing up with just mom and not a dad and work to do to heal through the divorce. But right now, would it be valuable if we do some work to have the adult woman connect to her center, starting with embracing her sensitivity? Yes. I'd like to invite you to have the courage to be willing to connect to you as your guiding light?

That's what I want.

All these people that love you, and I do know you as a woman, and I absolutely agree your ability to create relationships and support is very Real. But then what hasn't been real is you having this experience that you want to have in relationships where inferiority and criticism and sensitivity getting shut down and you in competition isn't the filter that you're operating from and experiencing these relationships through. Right. So, okay, if you were going to just right here, right now, will all of us begin the process? Right. Because it is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. But we could at least start taking some steps and there's never a good time to start taking steps towards a new, more inspired experience of you in your life. And that's what life is. Right. It's just representing our experience of ourselves all the time. So if you were going to embrace your sensitivity, what would that be like? What would that feel like? What would be happening for you?

Just being able to say what I really want to say without trying to filter myself for one thing. Not assuming.

So what's your truth that you really want to say? And then just be careful not to go into any blame or story about what's happened to you. What do you want to say about you? Who are you?

I'm extremely loving and very, very generous and enthusiastic about my love for other people and my excitement. I don't know. I don't want to have to tamper that down and be like, just kidding, I'm totally cool. You know, it's literally like middle school. I'm like, no, I'm cool. I've got other things to do than ask you how you're doing and want to say all these nice things to somebody that I am just worried is going to think I'm overbearing or too much, too much love and excitement. But I want to be able to just say all those things and enjoy it because that's what I'm feeling.

So what's it going to take for you to just accept that there is no need to wait or authenticity? Right. It's just a choice that I'm hearing potentially has been too much. Is this. You called it tempering you down, dumbing it down, dimming it down. It's inauthentic. Right. And it's hell. In my experience, I can tell you how many years I've spent inauthentic fake trying to get it right when I don't know if that getting it right is the destination we're ever going to arrive at in this lifetime. Right. We could just do our best to be and own who we are. What's happening? What are you seeing?

Well, I keep thinking about something that you've told me before in coaching, which is that there's nothing you can do to make something wrong right, and there's nothing you can do to make something right wrong if it's authentic. And I keep telling myself that and trying to have confidence in that.

What we were talking about was, of course, miracles lesson that nothing real can be threatened.

Mm.

So tell us more. Tell us more about if you were in this moment to begin embracing your sensitivity. Ah.

Well, it would be. It would feel really good. I've been trying to do it in my journaling and not censor myself. And, like, this is the most personal way that I express myself in my private journal. So there's no reason for me to hold back or cut myself off or be anything less than exactly what I'm feeling. So I. The indulgence, I call it, but it shouldn't have to be an indulgence of that is very helpful to actually see on paper. Like, what is it that I really want to say versus how I'm feeling when I'm interacting in the real world, you know, and then I also think, you know, in that vein, like, my journaling is one of my writing practices, and I'm trying to become a fiction writer or memoir writer. And so accessing that lack of filter is very important to my development in writing. And so the personal writing that I'm doing that's only for me, you know, is still ultimately going to inform my creative voice, and I really want to work on that. So that's, you know, a secondary benefit that I'm hoping to gain.

And as you write in your private journal, do you feel like that sensitive part of you is expressed or is that just starting to open up?

I think it's always been my safe place, but I'm realizing that it's. Yeah, I still have had some restraint in the way that I've written, and I'm kind of by necessity allowed myself to have none. Like, take an entire journal and fill it up with whatever I wanted to say, even if I'm saying the same thing every day, five times a day. Because if that's what I'm feeling and what's coming and that's what I want to experience and I want to, like, embrace it, then that's what it's going to be.

Anything else that you want to say or share right now about life where you embrace your sensitivity fully?

I think that it's just the practice of how it works with interpersonal relationships. You know, how do I access that feeling of freedom and confidence about it in the moment that I'm having a conversation or an idea or whatever, that's what I want.

I believe that, that you're pretty clear on the vision that you want for your life. Is that true? Okay. And that doesn't mean it's not going to evolve or change. But next, I'd like to work with you on courage. And when I'm talking about courage, I'm talking about having the courage to risk going for it being real with no guarantees. And when it comes to relationships, there are no guarantees. And when it comes to life, there are no guarantees. But here's what I can guarantee. I'll make a bold statement. If you're dimming down, tempering down who you are, your relationships don't stand a chance because there's no way to relate to you if you are courageously risking being who you are and people get confused. I think about, you know, courageously risking expressing their disdain with other people versus taking responsibility for what's going on in them. Right. So I just want to invite you to step into your courage as you are developing relationships. And let's not have you put pressure on what these relationships with the other people should look like, do look like, could become. What if we just start with you really focusing on your relationship with you and noticing where you've disconnected from your truth. And it's a habit, so it's going to take a minute to like catch it. Oh, wait a minute. That was fake. Oh, wait a minute. I didn't want to risk telling him how I really felt right there. Oh, gosh. That was another toleration right there. None of that is wrong or bad. It's part of the process. But I'm wanting to invite you to transform and I think this would be a good assignment. You know, you writing about your new relationship with your sensitivity I think would be a great assignment. And I'd love to invite you to step into owning your sensitivity as a superpower, as a woman, as a goddess, as a mother, as a leader of a family and in your new community and at work. I mean, your sensitivity, you get to define what that means to you. And you know, we've all been there in our own ways, as you pointed out earlier, taking in feedback from the world and then deciding based on these opinions what that means about me. You're not 12 anymore. And the 12 year old had a real trauma and a real confronting experience with herself and her sensitivity. But you're an adult now and you can start to transform. That does this resonate it does.

And I'm mostly interested in the thing you said about, well, you have no guarantees because it's all well and good for me to write and, you know, be comfortable with this when there's no risk, but when there's a big risk that what I'm hoping will happen doesn't happen, that's where it's like, oh, see, it happened again. I turned somebody away or whatever. I have to practice that. Being open, being willing for whatever happens to happen and not having the guarantee.

Well, and I'm wanting to give you access to what you do have control over, which is you fully and courageously being who you are. And when we're in a world where life can make us feel inferior, we're going to create evidence. See, I'm inferior again. If we believe in criticism, we're going to find things to criticize in ourselves and other people. If we believe that sensitivity is wrong, when our sensitivity stops, starts to get really present, there's nothing else to do but push it away. So, you know, the only competition that you can win at right now, I think in relationship is the Competition with your 12 year old. Who's going to lead today? Who's going to lead in this moment? Right. Her or the adult. And it's the same. So we don't want to reject her. You're the same woman, but we just want to know she did a good job. She has tried to protect you, she, she's wanted everything for you, but she's only 12 and she can't find you, the adult, the center in you that you've disconnected from. So there are no guarantees that life will go any certain way or relationships will go any certain way. But you can commit to courageously connecting to who you are and, and one breath at a time, one moment at a time, living into her. So I'd just like to invite you to do a writing assignment reinventing and redefining your relationship with your sensitivity. And then I'd like to end with you giving yourself permission right here, right now, to tell us how you're going to know whether or not you're connected to your center.

I don't know. I do know. I don't. I have an idea.

Great catch. No one else is gonna know.

The only thing I can think that it would show is that if I find myself thinking, waiting, not saying what I really want to say, and I don't think there's anything wrong about mulling over what you want to say or do, but if I'm feeling negatively, if I'm having that negative voice that's like, this is too much. This is wrong. Or don't say it that way. That'll sound weird. Then I need to stop and take a deep breath and sort of go, what is it that I really am just trying to say?

None of that other judgment or maybe even simpler. I mean, what I just heard, it's like if. If the head chatter has taken over, that's a pretty good indicator that you're disconnected from your center. So when the head chatter takes over, it's not wrong, but you could catch it like a fly ball, look at it and go, what's my truth right now? Do you like that? Do you? Just even simpler, because I want encourage the self talk to take you back to you and away from. Who do I need to be right now for the world around me. Right. We want to switch it to connecting you back to what's my truth right now? What's right action. You like that word, right? So what if we just turned it into right action. What's right action for me now?

Just real action. Real me.

What's my truth? What's real for me right now? I love that process for you.

Yes.

Because what we don't need is you or any of us looking to create more evidence that life is trying to dim us down when we're adults. Yes, there are circumstances that are hard and we need support sometimes. All the time, really. But you have the power to connect to what's real and feels right for you. No one can take that away from you.

Thank goodness.

And I hope you'll do the writing assignment. Let us know how it goes. Let us know how this process of connecting back to your center goes. Baby steps. And then I really do encourage you to keep going in bravely and courageously, risking putting yourself out there as you build your support system in your community, in your new town. This is great.

Thank you.

Tell us how you're leaving the session today. What's one big takeaway?

I mean, I feel optimistic for sure. Just. I think the takeaway is that I. I can trust that this is the right. There's that word again. What I've been feeling about wanting to be more authentic and working through some of those chatter voices is the goal. The goal isn't some prescribed outcome with one particular friend or whatever. It's just the goal is just to be more comfortable with my truth.

Yeah. And it might be uncomfortable at times to be with your truth, but you know what? If we could all get more comfortable being uncomfortable and in that discomfort is access to our own center. Beautiful work today. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks all for listening.