How to Break Free from Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

They date and then they always have the same problems, no matter who they date.

What is needing to change? Super simple, easy, not at all simple, yes, easy, no is how you're being in your relationship.

Mix photo 2.5. The best mix from the 90s to now. Big pop in the afternoon. Mental Wellness Wednesday. Life coach Rebecca Silence, of course. The book coming back to Life, available now rebeccasilence.com Rebecca, how are you?

Well, hello. So grateful to be here. Happy Mental Wellness Wednesday, everyone.

So today, let's talk about relationships. Okay, let's talk about relationships. And let's talk about. Everybody has that one person in their life that they date, and it seems like they date, and then they always have the same problems, no matter who they date. There's always. There's. There's always, you know, this issue, that issue, and this other issue, and it seems just to be like a broken record. Doesn't matter who the other person is, but it always ends up being that way and whatnot and the just same relationship issues over and over and over again. Yeah, can we. Can we talk about that a little bit?

Absolutely. So it's called a pattern. We have patterns that repeat, and we like to blame our patterns on the person in front of us. If they would just stop doing xyz, if they would just start doing xyz, if they would just give me the words of affirmation that I want and, you know, if they would just. If they would just. The pattern repeats.

How many. Listen, and I hate to interrupt you, but how many times people watching or listening right now, how many times have you heard that from one of your friends or have you said that yourself? I mean, that's. That's one of those things.

But now let me just make this easier to navigate because it isn't that helpful, right? As you are so lovingly pointing out, to just understand that we have patterns and that they repeat like, great, so what am I supposed to do? Because it's not like we're waking up in the morning asking God in the universe to help us play out our pain patterns again and again and again. We're not like, oh, please give me more of my pattern today for breakfast. We're like, I want this to change. And I'm doing everything I can think of, and I don't understand why it's not changing, right? So let me tell you why it's not changing. What is needing to change? Super simple, easy. Not at all simple. Yes. Easy, no is how you're being in your relationships. So the easiest way I Think I can describe this for us is how we were treated growing up. It becomes what we expect and learn. It's what we learn, but it's also even more than that. It's like, it's like what we expect. It's what we're comfortable with, it's what we know. So it's really difficult to create a life built on what honors, respects and takes care of us beyond how honored, respected, and taken care of we were growing up. So in our relationships, what we won't do until and unless we get woke and get real support, we won't let ourselves in our relationships be more honored or more respected or more taken care of than we were growing up. We have this glass ceiling that we just keep hitting again and again because that inner child in us expects. This is all there is for me. And we keep proving it, right? So that is where the pattern comes from. And then the solution is we have got to recognize that it's up to us to set our lives up today to create the life we want and deserve now. And what we do is we set our lives up to continue experiencing the limitations that our family of origin is experiencing and that we experienced with our family of origin. So let me just break this down and give an example. So just yesterday I was working with a couple and they've been around, they've worked with me for years, and they're just kind of coming in for a tune, right? I do couples intensive work and couples coaching work, and it is game changing. And they're like, we're veterans, we're doing great. We're happier than we've ever been. So they're coming into the session like, we're going to get a tune up and everything is great, and they want to talk about core values. Okay? And one of the biggest patterns we repeat is we value our pain and proving our pain right. And we don't even know that's a core value. So they wanted to talk about core values and they said, okay, so you're experiencing guilt and you're experiencing pressure. Do you get that? These are two things that you're valuing and you're building your whole relationship around. You don't think you can have love without guilt. You don't think you can have love and connection or success without pressure. So you're valuing these things and that's a pattern. And we can replace these values that you learned are so important in the name of love with something that actually feels good to you to now, right? So I want everyone to Be thinking about when it comes to your pain patterns, just find one word, that's how you feel, that you don't want to feel that way anymore. So maybe it's rejection. Let's just use that as an example. No matter how much you give, no matter how good you are, no matter how much you try to understand the people in your life and give them all you've got, you're still experiencing rejection. So let's just call rejection a pattern and let's just consider that the problem isn't other people rejecting you. It's you putting yourself last to try to get love. It's basically self objectification. Like you're putting yourself on the magazine cover all airbrushed and it's not really you. You're trying to be this version of yourself to get approval, to get love, to get a relationship, and that you actually rejecting you. So the pattern isn't you being rejected by other people, it's you rejecting you in the name of love. For my couple, the pattern wasn't this one's making me feel guilty or this one's making me feel pressure. The pattern was I don't think I deserve love if I'm not guilty. I don't think I deserve love if it doesn't feel like pressure and really hard. And that's just what we saw growing up and that's just how we survived. And it's time for life in our relationships beyond survival. So the number one best thing you can do to break your patterns in relationship is stop doing to yourself what everybody else is doing to you. Just stop rejecting yourself, stop abandoning yourself, stop guilting yourself to death and putting all this self inflicted pressure on yourself to be who you think you would need to be for approval. I have a 16 year old that I coach who has been estranged from their father. And there's now this little spark. They're just starting to reconnect. And my client has been trying to figure out what they should be interested in, what they should understand, what they should say or do to get their father to actually want more of a relationship. And I was like, hold the phone. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If anyone in this scenario to a relationship, it's your father with you. You start thinking about what's important to you and make sure you're showing up as the truth of who you are. That's the only shot at a relationship. And it's counterintuitive because we think if we get vulnerable, if we get honest, if we say the Hard truths. We're going to push people away. But it's actually when you're honest and vulnerable and saying the hard truths that now your relationship has a shot because the right people love the vulnerable you. I was just at a Brendon Burchard event, and Jamie Kern Lima, the founder of IT Cosmetics, brought the house down, talking about worthiness. And I just took a breath and I took the pressure off of myself and I started to cry a little bit. And Brendon Burchard's mother. Honey, are you okay? Like, she was so concerned because I was crying. And then we had this beautiful conversation and my just being me, I ended up having lunch with this woman and a beautiful conversation. And it's the. It's the opening. It's not closing the door. And anyone that would be like, oh, hell no, because you're vulnerably being you. Thank you. Next. Have a nice life. Seriously. So stop treating yourself the way you don't want others to treat you. Stop being to yourself what you keep thinking is a pattern going on with other people and the pattern just falls away. And then the last thing I'll say about this is you've got to have something to replace it with. So if I don't want to be rejected anymore, what is the next level? We've got to graduate our patterns. So maybe I move from rejection into self respect. Maybe I move from guilt into self love and compassion. Maybe I move from pressure into letting myself relax. So have something that you're graduating yourself into and it's not your fault how other people are treating you and their bad behavior is their bad behavior. We're not taking that away from you. It's true. It's just the more you try to change them, the more lost and frustrated and alone and miserable you're going to be. Start going, huh? This is interesting information, how this person is behaving. That's how they treat themselves. That's how they treat everyone. I don't have to treat myself in some kind of way that's going to have me feel like crap just because I don't want to lose them. I'm going to treat myself even better to see if this relationship has a shot. And if it doesn't, I'm going to let it go and I'm making room for something better.

There it is. It is a mental wellness Wednesday with life coach Rebecca Silence. To learn more about Rebecca and get the book and there's all kinds of free content that you can get there. You can go to RebeccaSilence.com RebeccaSilence.com you can also join the Facebook group. Talk about the Facebook group real quick.

Yes, we have a free community. It's called Healing Is Possible. Join us, ask your questions. Learn from other like minded individuals that want to be healed so they can make their biggest difference. And also@rebecca silence.com There is a free trigger trauma release method that will blow your mind and change your life. You want to change patterns? Take the trigger trauma release method today. Just go to rebecca silence.com it's totally free.

Life Coach Rebecca Silence on a Mental Wellness Wednesday. Great stuff as always. We'll talk to you next week.

Love you all. Bye.