How to Date Your Kid to Gain Parent-Child Loving Connection

Okay, we're going. Okay. Three, two, one. If you are wondering how to have the most profound and loving connection with your child and with your children, and this is an episode of the Healing is Possible experience that you do not want to miss, welcome to the Healing Is Possible experience, where our mission is to take you on a journey of hope and healing. And this episode is part of our September 2022 series on parenting. And today's episode I'm really, really excited about because I want us to all think about how to look at connecting to our children differently from a perspective of the point of the connection is to feel as close and as good as possible about the relationship. So often we are parenting from fear, parenting to put out fires, parenting to get the tasks completed and out of the way, parenting to keep our heads above water. And that isn't an enjoyable way to parent. And it's not necessary and not to knock our parents. But often we're parenting the way we were parented, and that isn't even something we're aware of, or if we are, it drives us nuts. And what I want us to understand is that we can have an experience of parenting that fills us up and that's fulfilling and enjoyable and fun and brings us to tears of joy and pride because we can't even believe that this little human became who they were under our wing. And I'd love for us to think about being a parent as an honor where we are the wind beneath our children's wings and as parents. And what a gift and what a joy. And it is a tragedy that so often parenting is stressful and frustrating and draining and depleting. And I am just here to say it doesn't need to be that way. I am your host, Rebecca Silence. So honored and grateful that you have joined us today. Stay tuned. You don't want to miss a second of this episode to really understand and learn how to date your child, to create a more loving connection with your child that is built to last that you can feel so good about. All right, let's just dive right in. So you've heard me talk before, if you are familiar with me. And the Healing is Possible experience about the possibility of dating your child. But we have devoted an entire episode to this idea today because I. I really believe it's that game changing and it's that important, and it's not something that society normalizes or talks about or trains us on how to set up well. So, you know, so many of our kids in the United States in particular and around the world, but particularly in the United States, are depressed and are anxious and are scared and suffering and worrying and full of fear with nowhere for that energy to go. So I just want to take a moment to point out our kids were also subject to a global pandemic. And that global pandemic has done damage and taken a toll on their spirit, on their spirit sense of trusting that they are held and safe and secure. It's affected their ability to know what they can count on and it has affected them socially beyond what words can even describe. And we as parents have also been navigating the pandemic and doing our best to make sense of it and doing our best to pick up the pieces. And our kids are often haven't taken the time or had the support to process what this experience was like for them. And so, first and foremost, I just want to invite everyone watching to take your kid on a date strictly to talk about, how are you? How have you been affected by the pandemic? What are you needing? What are you feeling? What are you wanting? What are you scared about seeing? Still? What is sticky or lingering or, you know, going on inside of you? Based on the fact that we've all been through a pandemic, how has this affected you physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially? These are all questions that you can be asking your children, starting immediately, how are they? We have violent youth and America, and that doesn't mean these are bad kids. We have depressed youth in America, and that doesn't mean that these kids are bad, anxious kids in America. And there's just no place for their fear and their stress to go. And they haven't had the means or the ability or the words yet to process what's going on emotionally, what it is that is still, you know, niggling at them. And you're the person that is the perfect person to talk to about it. And I understand that often, especially if you've got teenagers, your kids don't want to talk to you. It's not cool to talk about feelings. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. But don't let that response or reaction when you're trying to talk to your kids detour you from trying to take the conversation deeper. And I think it's very, very important to carve out at least two hours a week for quality one on one, uninterrupted time to just get present and be with your kids and connect to them in a way where you find out, not just regarding pandemic, but just in general, how are they? It's back to school season. It's a big transition school. The last two years has been a nightmare for so many of our K and most of them aren't talking about it. And now we're heading back into a school year and there can be a little bit of a post traumatic stress response to going back to school when the past two years have been so difficult and challenging and quite frankly miserable for so many of our kids. And they don't know that it can be a fresh start and they don't know that you've got their back in whatever they're facing and they're feeling, needing what, wanting, whatever it is you are right there. You are available and you would be so absolutely honored and excited to talk to them about how they're doing and what you could do to help with what they're facing and what they're navigating. They don't know that unless you tell them. And even if you've told them 100 times, we have to remember our kids experience us through their filter of self worth, of self love and of fear. And so don't be afraid to be a broken record. Tell them how important it is that you have quality time together and that you know their world and what's up and you want to help as much as you can all the time and you can't read their minds. So carving out two hours at least a week, I do consistent date days, Tuesdays now with my husband, Mondays with my oldest, Sundays with my youngest, often where they get just uninterrupted quality time with me it has been game changing, especially with my high schooler, to have that time. And often I am just listening and there really isn't anything for me to do. And this is a great parenting hack to ask your kids, do you want me to just listen? Do you want my feedback? Do you want to know my personal experience in a similar situation? Ask them what type of support they want instead of just going in there and trying to fix it and trying to micromanage and trying to put a bandaid on the situation. And I can't emphasize enough the power of just listening, of just sitting back and being with them and letting their voice be heard. And this is another phenomenal question. Instead of just jumping right in with advice or a solution or your ideas, ask them what do you think the next step is? Or how do you want to navigate the situation that you find yourself in? Or what do you think the best way to handle this is the Best parenting is holding your children capable and preparing them for life outside of your home. The time that you have together under the same roof, it's precious, it's invaluable. It's, you know, it's something so sacred that I almost don't even have words for it. And then we don't often treat it as the sacred gift that it is because we're just so busy going through the day to day tasks and getting the I's dotted and the T's crossed. But let's not forget that this time is precious and it doesn't last forever and that the whole goal is to prepare your children for life after the time that they're living with you. So when you are keeping the bar high and having standards where they're expected to do chores, to contribute, it's not because you just want, you know, free work. It's because they're going to have to learn how to do these things to take care of themselves when they're on your own. So we talked in previous episodes about setting up routines, setting up agreements to win. Go back, watch, don't miss them. They're on the Rebecca Silence YouTube channel. If you haven't watched already. Today is already assuming that you've got a system where your kids are contributing. They know what they can expect from you, you know what you can expect from them. And there's a flow, not necessarily perfection, but they're not babied in a way where there are no expectations from them towards the family and you're consistent enough where they know what they can count on from you. So let's say we've got those pieces in place. Next step is about building the connection. And you can't do that without quality time. And you can't do that if you are the rescuer, savior, hero, doing everything for your kids. Or there's just so much disconnection and distance that we're not even sure what's happening in each other's lives. So quality time date weekly. I think it's a no brainer. As critical as food and water and sleep, having one on one quality time with your kids, it's essential. And that can be watching a movie. That can be, you know, having a meal together. I'm not saying it needs to cost a lot of money and I'm not saying it needs to be extravagant. But you showing up, no matter how they show up for a date because you love them, you value the relationship, you hold this time together as sacred and precious. I can't emphasize Enough. How game changing that can be for your relationship with your child. And remember, they're learning how to navigate relationships based on the relationship that they have with you. Your children are learning how to navigate relationships, all of their relationships, based on their experience of their relationship with you. Period. End of story. And that can be good news. It can also be scary news. But I don't want it to be scary. I want it to be good news. How you show up in the face of difficulties, how you show up in the face of you being triggered, how you show up in terms of making the time for them, they take that with them the rest of their lives. If it's difficult to get an appointment with you, they're going to expect that. People don't value spending quality time with them. If they feel like money is super stressful and they learn that that's what's happening for you, that becomes their norm for their future and the beginning of something in motion that we wouldn't want for them. Right? So. So you can't even imagine how important you are to your children, even if they're saying hateful, venomous nonsense, even if every time you say, how are you? I'm fine, and they go and they close their door and they're not to be seen or heard from again till the next day or for several days, it doesn't have to stay that way. And you letting them know you're important to me, I'm so grateful for any time we get together. And what's more important to me than any of what I'm doing is knowing how you are. And I really care and I really want to be a part of just being in the loop about your life. What are the best parts? What are the scariest parts? What are the hardest parts? I want to know. It can take some time. If you've been in a, you know, a habit of not really being that connected for your child and even for you to feel comfortable with this process, but it's a process worth fighting for. Quality time with your kid is something so invaluable, and it's worth fighting for. And when you take this time, at least in my experience, you get to see. See the person, the human in front of you for who they are versus just seeing them as this reflection of you that makes or breaks you. You're raising someone to be who they really are, not who you want or need them to be. And I know that could sound confronting, but it makes parenting a lot easier when you take the pressure off of you to get Your children to show up exactly the way you think they need to for you to feel like you did your job and instead be with them, listen to them, see them for who they are, find some common ground and find out what is important to them so you can help them achieve the vision of their life that is the vision that most excites them. I remember doing a coaching session with our family coach a few years ago with my oldest who is now 17. And we literally mapped out in that session what my oldest wanted for life after high school. She ended up graduating as a junior. She's on her way to South America for a gap semester to find herself, to experience the world, to have adventure. She's not interested in traditional college or next post secondary steps. In fact, with her mother, as a former school counselor and school counseling coordinator and life coach that works with teens and families every single day, she doesn't want that traditional approach. And we found what made sense for her and what excites her and what brings her to life and has her feeling really good about herself and also feeling valued and heard and understood. She's an artist personality, She's a free spirit. She doesn't want to be backed into a corner. Fine. So what education's really important to me. Master's degree in counseling, undergrad in music therapy with a national board certification in therapy, coaching certifications, facilitation certifications. I am an ongoing student for the rest of my life and I love that my oldest, that is not her cup of tea. So we found out what is. And I can't tell you that every date has been a fun, joy filled experience, but it is always created more fun and more joy and more connection. Sometimes our dates are about hearing my child's world that maybe I don't want to listen to judgments about me. I work so much, I'm so busy, for example, sometimes come up on our dates and then I lovingly, without correcting or being defensive, can let her know, hey, and we have right now. And I hear you and thank you for telling me. Another great one liner. When your children are coming at you with their grievances, judgments, issues with you or in general. Thank you so much for telling me. I really hear you and all I can do is hear you and take to heart what you're saying and move forward from here. So you know our kids, again, they're listening through their filter and that doesn't mean that what they're saying is true and it's their world. So if we want them to want to be Calling us, wanting to, to have them, choosing to come home for dinner on Sundays once they've left the nest. It all starts now. Building that connection and building that relationship. And you can definitely share your world too. But what we don't want is to put a guilt trip onto our kids where they feel like they have to take care of us. We have it. We should have our own support to where we're taken care of and then we can keep them in the loop of what's going on with us. But I really see it as our job and responsibility and honor to get to be the wind underneath our kids wings. And their wings look different than ours and their talents and their interests and their, you know, ways of living and navigating through life. It's different. They're in a generation that many of us as parents can't even comprehend. We didn't have Snapchat and social media and drug dealers on Snapchat to deal with. Friends, you know, getting into trouble in different ways. And it's all on video, them getting into trouble. And it might be on video. We didn't necessarily have that. They do. So a great way to talk to your kids is like, help me understand what you're going through. We don't want our children silently suffering. And we want them to know that they can come to us and that we want them to and that we value them. And there's nothing that they could ever, you know, be facing that that is too impossible for us to be there for them and help them work through. I tell my kids all the time there's nothing we can't figure out together. So come to me. And often our kids are afraid to disappoint us or upset us. So they try to figure it out on their own, but it feels terrible. And again, it doesn't have to be that way. We don't want them silently suffering. We want them to know that they can come to you and that there's every single week quality time that's non negotiable, that we're going to have a date and we're going to check in and we're going to be together no matter, you know, what it is that's happening or how we're feeling. We can just be together and we can just be ourselves and we can just love each other and we can just have honest connected conversations because that's what we deserve. And the rest we figure out. I challenge you to be as neutral and as open hearted and as honored as you possibly can be with your Children, this is a role that there's no more important job in my opinion. Our youth in America are struggling and they need us as parents more than ever to step up our game and to make time for them and to be willing to have the difficult conversations and to be willing to deal with the challenges as a partner and a teammate versus a parent trying to brush the issue under the carpet or just be their friend or the dictator in the scenario. Let's understand that we can parent in a unique way, different than how we were parented and we can take the best of how we were parented and use that. But I'm saying let's find a way to parent that's authentic to you for your family. There's no right way, there's no wrong way. There's what works for you and your family. So if there's anything going on with your relationship with your kids that isn't working for you, let's deal with it. Let's face it, let's transform the parenting and the interactions into more love and more connection. More love and more connection. More always the medicine. More love, more connection. Always the solution. Your kids love you. No matter what they say, no matter how much they do this, they love you. You're the most important part of their lives. They want to feel honored, valued, seen, heard and respected, just like we do. And I invite you to model that you care about that for them, too. And I just invite you to take away from this episode remembering that how they experience their relationship with you sets the tone and the bar for what they expect all of their relationships to be like. It can be gorgeous, glorious, magical, miraculous. Being a parent. And I am here to support you privately as your coach for your family, if needed. I have never had a family that healing wasn't possible for healing is possible for me, for you, for all of us, and especially when it comes to your relationship with your kids. So date again. Find out what's important to them, make that matter so much to you that they are absolutely clear that what's important to them you care about. Let them know there's nothing you can't face, move through and conquer together, and that you care about quality time with them and that you make that a priority every week. And then let us know how the relationship begins to transform. This is the beginning. It won't solve everything, but it's the beginning. And again, visit rebeccasilence.com to find out more about private work with me. If your family could use some support right now, in the midst still of global pandemic and all of us picking up the pieces and trying to create a new baseline for how we operate. Back to school doesn't have to be hard and scary. Back to school doesn't have to mean that now. You don't know really what's going on with your kids. It's all about how you lead. It's all about how you love them. It's all about you prioritizing the connection above all else. And when you're prioritizing connection from, you know, a lens of, there's no defensiveness, there's. There's only love, there's curiosity, there's. You care about preparing your kid for life outside of when they're living with you and you care about getting as much of this precious and sacred time with them as possible. It's just game changing. I love you. Thank you for watching the Healing as Possible experience brought to you by my gorgeous team@rebeccasilence.com check out rebeccasilence.com right away. The free trauma trigger release method to support you in ways to get through your own emotional, you know, unwellness right now, your own trauma that's bleeding into today and it will actually give you some great ideas to bring to your connection and conversations with your children as well. I love you so much. Thank you for being here. Means the world healing is possible and I will see you soon. Sam.