How to Discuss Suicidal Ideation with Your Child: A Parent's Guide

It is okay to not be okay. And the path to okay is communication. The second thing I want to say is it is not that your child wants to actually die. They want their emotional pain to die.

Mix photo 2.5 the best mix from the 90s to now. It's Big Papa in the afternoon Mental wellness Wednesday with life coach Rebecca Silence. Her book is coming back to life. It's available wherever books are sold. And of course you can check out Rebecca Silence dot com. Rebecca, how are you?

Well, hello everyone. I'm so glad to be here.

We're going to get awkward today. We're going to get off. Well, I've been doing a lot of work with the center for Family Life Recovery over the last couple of weeks and talking about child suicide and suicidal tendencies, especially in children. So I wanted to bridge that subject with you because, you know, obviously when there's help, there's hope.com is an amazing, is an amazing tool. Also, 988 is suicide and mental wellness hotline. Again, it's nine like 911 for medical emergencies, 988 for mental emergencies. But I wanted to talk to you about, you know, from a parent's point of view, you know, the quote unquote, the adult point of view, how you could handle things and have those awkward conversations. Because a lot of times the adults have a problem starting, you know, starting those, those conversations.

Well, I obviously, as always, I have no idea what we would be talking about today, but I am so grateful that you are bringing this up because this is a very real and serious conversation, an issue. And in my private practice work, I deal with suicidal children all the time and I help the parents navigate that. And you know, one of the things on the parent side that I think is the scariest is if they find out third hand that their child has suicidal ideation, they start to wonder like, what did I do wrong and how did I not know? Or sometimes the child will communicate directly and that is terrifying to a parent. So what I want to say first and foremost is your child expressing that they have suicidal ideation is the healthiest thing they could possibly do. As opposed to they're afraid for somebody to find out, they're bottling it up and they're not communicating. So by the time you have information, whether your child is telling you directly or telling someone at school or a family friend or a friend, and then the friend tells the par parent, however you get the information, be so thankful and celebrate your child's courage for having that ability to be brave and say I'm not okay right now. It is okay to not be okay. And the path to okay is communication. The second thing I want to say is it is not that your child wants to actually die. They want their emotional pain to die. They don't know how to get through the emotional pain. They don't know how to be alive without the pain. That's why they are up against the wall. They are up against. And there is a very important distinction between I don't want to live and I don't want to live with the pain. And so when you're having a conversation with your child, make sure to separate out how you feel right now. It's not forever. And we can deal with how you feel and we can get you the help you need. And I promise you, this feeling, this pain you're in emotionally, it's not going to last forever. And I don't want you to think that your life means you have to feel this way and that you feeling this way is going to be the rest of your life, because that's absolutely not the case. Your feelings are valid. You are brave to be talking about them. This isn't going to last forever. Those are the three things that are critical to share with your child. And as hard as it is, please don't take it personally how your child feels. It's not a reflection of you. You didn't do anything wrong. Don't make it about you. One of the things that prevents our children from telling us how they feel is they see how challenged we already are, how overburdened we already are. They don't want to make our lives as parents harder, so they bottle it up. They think it's helpful to not communicate because they don't want to make things worse for you as a parent. And so you also letting them know there's nothing more important than me understanding what's really going on with you and being there for you. You're not making my life harder. In fact, you would be making my life harder, bottling this up and carrying the weight on your shoulders without my support. It's so important that your child knows you can handle this and that it's not making your life harder. That's one of the biggest reasons that they bottle it up and that they don't want to communicate. The other big thing I want to say right here, and there's so much to say about this, right? But in this very short window of time, I just want parents to recognize that sometimes you've got a child that's an empath. What I mean by that is they feel what everybody else feels and they don't know how to separate what's theirs from what is everybody else's. So also having a conversation about we know people, we love people in pain. That doesn't mean you have to take on the pain of other people. Having your child understand the most correct thing you can do. The best thing you can do is be your best and feel at your best. And that actually is more helpful than you being weighed down by the pain of other people. It doesn't help anyone to have less of a life because someone we love is in emotional pain. What's helpful is being solid within ourselves, grounded within ourselves and being the best version of ourselves that we can be and letting our strength be, be a vibration that lifts other people. And then we also have to understand we can't make things better for other people. We can just be our best and hold the space of possibility. So you know, your child talking to somebody, it's the most important thing. And if and when you've gotten to the point where you recognize your child is not okay and needs and you've had all of these conversations from there, don't try to be the only sounding board. Get them support so that they can freely speak with again, letting go of that worry and concern that they're making things worse for the family.

Sure. And when you do have the conversation, it's very important to listen.

Yeah.

A lot of people like, especially if they're nervous or they're concerned and they want to make sure they quote, unquote, do the right thing, say the right thing. They already have in their head the points they want to get across. And so they'll ask a question and then they'll be thinking about the next thing they're going to say instead of being there and listening to what you know the child is actually saying and comprehending what the child is absolutely saying, you know.

Absolutely. And it isn't your job to fix it for your child. It's your job to support your child in realizing they're the solution to their issue. They're the hero in their story. And so I couldn't agree with you more about the power of listening. And listen from the place of recognizing you're listening in an effort for your child to get some relief, to empty their cup a little bit, so to speak. And then you're going to be the liaison between your child and the third party support that can help your child be who they need in this moment.

So Rebecca, when. When we talk about. You can't fix it for them. Okay, let's. Can you give a couple examples? Because parents have the best of intentions, but they may think that they're trying to help, but they're actually trying to fix it for them and try and just differentiate. Like, give a couple examples, trying to fix it for them and trying to set it up to. So they can. So they can be the star of their own. I don't want to say star their own show, but be able to fix it them themselves.

We are the star of our own show. These kids, right. They have a main character playlist. Right, because they're the main character of their lives. So I'll give you two examples. So I had a case once where I had a young teenage girl that was suicidal and the parents were calling me, frantic. The girl had gotten involved with someone online that started sending money and presents and asking for things that were inappropriate. And this kid was so in over her head and didn't know how to navigate and thought it would be easier to die than for the parents to find out what was going on. And so what happened was the parents did find out what was going on, contacted me, and the best thing they could have done was was to make that call to me instead of trying to say, like, you know, here's how we're going to solve this with their kid. What is needed is an emotional sounding board that isn't the parents to process all the shame, to process all the fear, to process all the guilt, the grief, the anger. Right? The parents can't say, now we know what's wrong and here's how we're going solve it. Emotional support was needed. In another scenario, I had a kid during Pandemic that was gaming with friends, and in the chats, they were all just talking about how they wanted to die. And a parent found out again, contacted me and we're not going to fix it by taking away the video games or taking away the friends. We're going to solve it by getting to the root of what's really going on with this one child and giving them the strength and the courage to process what's going on with them and who they're choosing as friends and what's going on with the friends. But we can't just eliminate the surface issue and think that solves the problem because there's so much emotionally underneath that needs to be processed. And as a parent, we can't be that for our own kid. And believe me, I have hired coaches for my own children, both of them 8 and 18, even the 8 year old already to process things that a third party needs to be there to help my children process. Even though this is what I do for a living.

Right Right. The the Suicide and mental health hotline is 9, 8 8. It's available 24, 7, 365. You can also contact the center for Family Life and recovery when there's help. There's hope.com and of course Rebecca is available@rebeccasilence.com it's a mental wellness Wednesday. Life Coach Rebecca Silence and thank you so much.

Please. If you're ready for real support for you and your children, go to rebeccasilence.com and consider purchasing the Emotional Survival K I ask the questions to help your child process and you can actually get the same guidance that your child gets. You can take it separately, you can take it together, but we've got free resources and the Emotional Survival Kit designed to help families heal, especially in the face of the darkest traumas. And it's readily available. All you do is you purchase, you press play, you get support and relief immediately.

We helped a lot of people today. Thank you Rebecca.

Thanks for this conversation. Love you all so much.