How to Divorce Gracefully: Healthy Divorce Tools for Couples

So this week, I want to talk about something that we haven't talked about. I don't know if we've talked about this in a long, long time. Divorce.

Okay.

Yeah. Like, because you and I both have been through it. It's not easy.

It can be.

It can be really, really awful if you let it get that far. And when there's children involved, it makes it even trickier to. So let's talk about divorce. If you finally got to that point and that's what you both have decided to do, are there any tricks? Are there any ways to do it the quote unquote, the right way or the most efficient way possible? I guess.

Yeah. Well, and I think especially with Pandemic, this is a really important conversation because there are so many couples that just are no longer able to pretend like they are happy if they're not in the relationship. And we're all confronted right now with fear. And the way we process fear can either escalate into a big kind of knockdown, drag out, fight scenario, or it can bring us closer together. So I think a misconception about divorce is that it has to be a war, when in fact, just like any other breakdown, it can bring you closer together.

Mix 102.5, the best mix from the 90s to now. Big pop in the afternoon. It is a mental wellness Wednesday. Life coach Rebecca Silence, host of Tougher Together, a breakthrough podcast, and rebeccasilence.com Rebecca, how are you?

I am very well, thank you. And P.S. we're getting rave reviews from the episode of the Tougher Together Breakthrough podcast with you and I. Oh, really? We are. Lots of people loved it. It was great. I'm hearing so many people just take the time to comment on that particular episode, which makes me very happy. So if you haven't heard it, check it out for.

Absolutely. Wherever you get your podcast, just search for Tougher Together, a breakthrough podcast. So this week I want to talk about something that we haven't talked about. I don't know if we've talked about this in a long, long time. Divorce.

Okay.

Yeah. Like, because you and I both have been through it, it's not easy. It can be really, really awful if you let it get that far.

And.

And when there's children involved, it makes it even trickier. So let's talk about divorce. If you finally got to that point and that's what you both have decided to do, are there any tricks? Are there any ways to do it, quote unquote, the right way or the most efficient way possible? I Guess.

Yeah, well, and I think especially with Pandemic, this is a really important conversation because there are so many, so many couples that just are no longer able to pretend like they are happy if they're not in the relationship. And we're all confronted right now with fear. And the way we process fear can either escalate into a big kind of knockdown, drag out, fight scenario, or it can bring us closer together. So I think a misconception about divorce is that it has to be a war, when in fact, just like any other breakdown, it can bring you closer together. So one of the things that I work on with couples is teaching them how to divorce gracefully. I don't think there's a right way, but I do think there's a way to do it gracefully.

I think you're the only person that says the phrase divorce gracefully. Yeah, because like you said, normally when you say, when you say divorce, there's a really negative connotation to it.

Right. And like you said already, you're divorced. I'm divorced. I am pro divorce. I'll just say that. However, I want to make sure that you've basically left no stone unturned prior to the divorce. And I want to make sure that both people are the best versions of themselves in the process versus they're at war with each other trying to win some unwinnable fight. Right. So what I mean by a graceful divorce is it's respectful. Let's just bottom line it. And there is a way to get divorced and be respectful and know you did everything you could to try to make it, and it's just time to move on. So how do you know? How do you know you've done everything you can to make it work? You're not upset anymore. It's just like complete, like the end of a meal.

It's almost like you're numb. Almost like, okay, whatever, not numb at all.

That's an interesting. Let's just, let's just address that because a lot of people do want to shut down and numb out so they don't have to feel the emotion. I'm saying it's like any type of scar right in the beginning of the healing, it hurts. And then it gets to the point where the scar doesn't hurt anymore. It's not a numbing, it's a, it's complete. Right. So everything, every relationship, every part of our lives has a beginning, a middle and an end. And some marriages have an end, that is, while people are still alive. Some marriages, I know it's Morbid don't end until one person passes. But it's okay to get divorced as long as you've addressed the part of you that is emotionally wounded first. Because if you don't address the part of you that's emotionally wounded first, you take those patterns and that pain with you to the next relationship. So just before you get divorced, consider, it can be respectful, it can be what I call win win. And it can be that you're the adult in the room instead of your unhealed inner child having a tantrum at the time of the divorce. Because again, you don't want to bring your patterns with you. And there's no shame in divorce. If it's over, it's over. You don't want to try to fight that or for something that isn't there anymore. But make sure you're conscious in the process and not numb.

All right, so let me ask you this. You said the, you know, divorce gracefully, use respect. Can you give a couple examples of showing respect while going through a divorce? Because people may not necessarily know how to. How to. Or what to do to. To achieve that.

Excellent question. Very simply, just ask your partner, what do you need to feel good about this divorce? What takes care of you care about your partner being taken care of as much as you're concerned about. You take being taken care of and you're automatically in a respectful, energetic place that most people never get to. When it's coming to divorce, it has to be a win win, meaning both people. It may not be ideal. Divorce is never like our preference. We never make those vows and think we're going to get divorced. Right. Nobody ever gets married and thinks they're going to get divorced, at least as far as I know. You know, unless it's some con artist situation. But most of us are getting divorced after we really meant our vows. And so that's devastating. So, no, even if you know it's the right thing for you and you've done everything you can and you're not wounded by the other person, it's just over that. That doesn't mean there's still not going to be grief. So I want you to know that your grief is something you need to respect and feel and process. Your partner's grief is something that they need to feel and respect and process. And you need the agreement, the divorce arrangement and agreement to work for both of you. So very simply, that looks like asking the question, what do you need? Okay, what do I need? And come as solution focused as possible. If you're Doing a respectful, graceful divorce means you're focused on solutions and not problems. So bring your own solutions to the table so that you can do what I call negotiating until you get to that win win, solution, arrangement and agreement that works for both of you so that you can be complete and move on with your lives.

So we've been talking about divorce and we've been talking about trying to be respectful when going through a divorce. Let's add in the trickiest of tricky when it comes to divorce, and that's if children are involved.

Yeah. So I think one of the big things that people don't recognize is that they've been spending years thinking about and preparing for a divorce before it happens. The kids aren't caught up yet, so everyone needs to think about that. When you're getting a divorce, it's a shock to your kids and you've had all this time and space to process. Even if it's not fun or ideal and hard, you've at least gotten yourself into a place of okay, I'm committed to this and I've emotionally prepared for it. Even if it sucks, your kids are going to have their own emotional experience. However, it doesn't have to be this big dramatic war that impacts your kids in the stereotypical way that we think. As long as both parents are solid and respecting each other and the kids emotions are taken into consideration and the kids know what to expect, expect they're going to be okay. It doesn't mean it won't be hard for them. But the less at war you are, the better off for your kids. The more you're asking your kids how they feel and what they need and what takes care of them in the process, the better off they'll be. The more they know what to expect, the better. And the more you include them in that conversation, the better. And it's better to get divorced. Let me just say this. Don't stay together so the kids don't have divorced parents. If the parents aren't happy, the kids are going to learn that marriage and family and being an adult sucks. So do what you have to do to get your life working for you to have the relationship you want. Knowing the divorce process will also end and everyone will come out the other side of it versus trying to stay together in some fake BS way to try to save face with the kids. Don't do that. The kids will be fine. If you're cool, they're cool. I had a coach say to me after my divorce, I had a three year old, we moved to Vegas together with another guy. That's a whole other Oprah. But my coach said to me, as long as you're okay, your kids can be ok. You just get you solid and she's going to be fine. And she said to me, don't forget, you're the sun, moon and stars. And so for all the parents out there, if you're going through a divorce, if you're contemplating divorce, you are the sun, moon and stars, meaning you being solid within yourself. That's what your kids respond to more than anything. And yes, please do include them in the conversation. Ask them how they feel, ask them what they think, ask them what they need, need. Get them some support too. But no, this life is short. If pandemic hasn't taught us how short life is and how quickly everything can turn on a dime, I don't know what will teach us that. So don't settle. Don't wait to get your life the way you want it. And know even though it might be hard, you can do it well, respectfully and gracefully and have the next level of your life.

One follow up question. Unfortunately, there are times when going through a divorce, one of the parents will use the child or children as leverage in negotiations and almost like a pawn in this, in this really weird chess game. Just address that real quick because that, that, that can be really devastating not only for, you know, you and the person that's divorced that you're divorcing, but especially the children, right?

So your kids aren't weapons. And I just will put this out there, anyone that's using their kid as a pawn or a weapon in a divorce, likely their parents did that to them. So patterns repeat, right? So it's not that people are ever intentionally bad. They're not. They're just doing the best they can with the tools they have. However, most divorces are a power struggle. So kids can be a factor, money can be a factor, assets can be a factor in trying to do this. Power play to a sense of power in a powerless situation. Divorce is very humbling and it can be crippling and it can feel powerless. So instead of trying to grasp at these materialistic ways of getting power back or using your kids again, go back to let's everybody win so that this war can end and we can go on with our lives and your kids are going to learn again about what happens in relationships watching you. So if you don't want your kids to never want a relationship because of what they saw you do, you know, do the divorce process as well as you can. Most kids are looking at their parents relationships going, screw that. I don't want that. I don't ever want a relationship. I don't ever want to be a parent. I don't ever want a relationship. And I think that's sad because we can all have relationships that work for us, and most of us don't know that's possible because of what we've seen. And we're modeling for our kids, too.

So let's just not forget that it's a mental wellness. Wednesday life coach Rebecca Silence, host of Tougher Together, a breakthrough podcast. For all of your Rebecca Silence needs, go to rebeccasilence.com always a pleasure. We'll talk to you next week.

Thanks. And ladies, I have a retreat. Colorado Springs, January 7th, 8th and 9th. Message me for details if you're ready for some support.

Awesome.