How to Find Your Voice and Speak Your Truth (Part 1) - Hot Seat Coaching Sessions

Having a voice with people. I've always kind of been a doormat or just kind of didn't say whatever I wanted for myself. And I'm always afraid that people are gonna leave if I tell them what I think.

I'd like for us for the rest of this session to kind of take it off. The people in your life, having the pressure put on them to give you what you need. And I'd love to have you access whatever part of you is not respecting your own voice, not tapping into your own truth in the way that you want to.

Okay, we're going.

Okay.

Three, two, one, go.

Welcome, Medora, to the hot seat on the healing is possible page. Thank you for joining us this morning. For those of you who are new to the live hot seat coaching, I'm Rebecca Silence. And every week I'm offering a free session to a brave volunteer that wants a breakthrough to support them in their process of healing. If you're interested, please comment in the chat below the video. Also, feel free to post your comments, your questions, your takeaways from Medora's work this morning. But, Medora, welcome.

Thank you.

Tell us what you'd like to coach on today.

I think my hardest. I don't problem, for lack of a better word, is having a voice with people. I've always kind of been a doormat or just kind of didn't say whatever I wanted for myself. And I'm always afraid that people are gonna leave if I tell them what I think. And I've been thinking about it because, you know, that's what you do when you. And I know. My dad left when I was 4, so I don't really know if that has anything to do with the. The voice thing, but I feel like it probably has something to do with worrying about people will leave. But.

Why do you think that's related?

Just because that's the first time I remember people leaving me. And then I. My mom and grandparents always said bad things about him, and I chose not to believe it. And I don't know, I was younger and I just chose not to believe everything they said about him. So I didn't really say much to them about it, but they always were trying to make him out to be worse than. Than I ever thought he could be, you know, being that young, because I knew that he loved me and that. That he just went away and they kept him from us. From that point on, I only saw him a few times a year, a few times the next 12 years. Then I ended up moving up here. With him.

Okay, so there's a lot here. Anything else you want to add so far? Just about what you're wanting. Thank you for being so vulnerable.

I just want to be able to be heard, I guess, without worrying that people are gonna leave.

Okay, so I love. I love that you've boiled it down from something about voice to I want to be heard. Your body language changed when you said, I want to be heard. Your voice changed when you said, I want to be heard. Can we start with that and then maybe work our way back? Because I'm hearing voice is important that there's some fear around what using your voice means, especially the possibility that people could leave if you use your voice. And then we have some family system dynamics around dad leaving and grandparents and potentially you stopping talking freely and openly with your grandparents after that point. But tell us why you want to be heard.

I just. I feel like I have important things to say and that people historically have just never listened to me. I can't think of anything specific, but it's like they. I'm just discounted. Like, they just don't even take into consideration what I have to say.

I'm discounted. What does that mean to you?

Just the. I'm just another voice in the crowd that doesn't know what they're talking about.

What important things do you have to say?

I don't know.

We're listening. Here's an opportunity. What is it that you want us to hear? Us being the world.

Just. I think what most people want to be heard on. You want to tell about your past and your experiences and what you've learned. Want to be a leader and at home and at work and.

Will you share? I heard you just almost using your word. Discount yourself.

Right.

Then when I said, what do you want us to hear? And almost put yourself back into that crowd and generalize. Right. Instead of talking about, I want to be a leader at home and at family, I want to be able to share about my past. So what is it that you want to share about your past and your experiences and how do you want to lead at home and at work? And I just like to give you an opportunity and an invitation right now to just own it.

I don't know. That one's hard for me, I guess, because I don't even know. So how can you be heard when you don't even know what you want to be heard about? I don't know. I guess, like, with my kids, I want them to. They don't have to do what I say, but it'd be nice if they actually listened.

And.

I guess respected what I say and my husband too, and be able to have conversations with. With them, with people at work. My work is changing. So that that's going to change. But just. I don't know.

Sorry. People want to hear you. They're calling you.

We've been trying to reach you. Hold on a minute. You should have received something in the. God. Sorry.

I love it.

So are you still there?

I'm here. Can you.

I can't see you anymore. It just went away. But as long as you can see me.

Well, I want you to find me again. And I love this that this is happening. It's like a cool metaphor, right? You're finding your way yourself. So if you go to the bottom of your desktop, there should be a little zoom link and I bet if you click on that, you'll be able to me again.

Okay.

Did you find me? Yeah. Okay. So you know, through commitment, Medora, I believe this is just my opinion that all things are possible and part of commitment is integrity. So I'm hearing today that you're coming to the session wanting to be heard, wanting to be respected in an experience of almost your word discounted, but potentially also dismiss missed. And you're wanting this to change. And I'd like for us for the rest of this session to kind of take it off the people in your life, having the pressure put on them to give you what you need. And I'd love to have you access whatever part of you is not respecting your own voice, not tapping into your own truth in the way that you want to. Is this resonating?

Yeah. Ok.

So I have two ideas. It is so fun in coaching. There are so many different directions to go. My first idea is to do an exercise with you that my coach did with me while I was training to be an integrative, holistic life coach. I am trained through Legacy Training International as a coach and also as a facilitator. And when I went to one of my very first seminars in part of that program, she asked me to close my eyes. And so I am going to invite you to do the same thing. And what she did with me was she just wanted me to say I was a coach. I am a coach. I couldn't say it without crying. I couldn't say it with my eyes open. And I already had had a practice for probably a year and a half. I had a practice, I was a coach, but I couldn't say it. So if you weren't in your mind, and you just allowed yourself to close your eyes, breathe into that belly, and breathe into your feet and your roots with your eyes closed. What do you want us to hear? And even more importantly, what do you want to hear yourself say?

The first thing that comes up is, I'm worthy.

Oh. Could you say it again with your eyes closed like you mean it, not like it's a question or an afterthought or, you know, something that could have been for you but got lost in the wind. Let's try it again. Let's say it like you mean.

I am worthy. I am worthy.

Keep breathing. Is this bringing up any emotion?

Yeah.

What? Stay with it. I'd invite you to just keep your eyes closed, Stay with this emotion and share with me what it is that's bubbling up.

I feel like anxiety. I feel like I'm going back to when I was a kid.

Okay.

And with my brother and with my grandfather and kind of fighting with them, the. Because my brother was always the special one because he was a boy and my mom and I were just girls. I did not see this going that way at all.

Yeah. We can't script it. Let's just stay here. Tell us more about the anxiety. What is it? Where is.

Feels more like agitation now.

Okay. And how old is this age that you're connecting to with your brother and your grandfather?

I know in my head it was around fourth grade, but it feels younger.

How old does it feel? That's all I'm worried about.

Second grade.

We don't need to be accurate. It's okay to just take a guess. So how old were you in second grade?

Seven.

You were seven? And how old were you when dad left? Four. But this feels seven now.

Yeah.

And what was happening with your voice at 7?

I pretty much lost it. That's when my mom went into the.

Hospital.

She had a breakdown.

What's happening with your emotions now?

Sad.

Are you letting yourself be with that, or are you fighting it?

Probably fighting it, trying not to.

What would it be like to give yourself permission to be worthy of being with your emotions? Good.

Scary. But.

Anything that's both good and scary, and my experience is worth the ride. Stay here with me. What's happening now?

I feel sick to my stomach.

Can you say more?

I didn't understand what was going on. Yeah. I remember I went home from school a lot because my stomach hurt.

Okay. During that time, like around age 7. And when you say your voice was lost, where'd it go?

I don't remember talking a lot. I just remember being really sad. And yeah, she went in that year and the next year she went in again.

And Medora, we're not likely going to be able to solve and break through this whole. Right. Experience with your mom. That's a really big deal today. But let's see what we can do and then privately continue the work. Okay. Are you willing to stay with me here? We'll see where it goes and then I'm not going to drop this. We're going to keep it going. So what I want to ask now is does it feel more connected to keep your eyes closed or your eyes open?

I think closed.

Let's go back there. Okay. And tell me more about not really talking much and the. The feeling sick to your stomach. I'm wondering if your voice didn't get lost but you just stopped talking and it went almost into your stomach. All that truth that wouldn't come out.

Yeah, I think that's. I think it all went into my stomach because even now when I don't talk, I have IBS and it'll flare up. So I think that's probably about when it started.

Do you know what that little seven year old girl wanted to say but wouldn't say? Or did she just not have words? What was happening with her and her voice?

I think she was just terrified your mom wasn't coming back.

Now are you willing to connect to her and speak for her now? I was terrified that my mom wasn't going to come back. Can you say that out loud?

I was terrified that she wasn't going to come back.

Who's she? See, I'm wanting you to own it. Don't apologize. You're doing this perfectly. And there is no perfect, there is no. There is no rule book to how to handle at 7. Dad already left at 4. That's confusing now Mom's gone.

I was terrified my mom was not going to come back, that I would never see her, see my mom again.

Connect to that truth. Medora, no one can respect your own truth more than you do. And no one can own our truth for us. And you're not the first woman on the planet to feel shaky about her voice. What else was that 7 year old not saying?

I never got to say goodbye to her before she went in. She's been acting funny, so I didn't understand. But we were closer then because she was playing with me. More kind of if it. I don't know how to explain it. But we're girls, we have to stick together. They don't Love us as much.

What are you feeling now? What's happening now?

I just remember her saying, don't ever put me in a nursing home. Tell me you'll take care of me.

When you were 7.

Mm, when I was. For when I was older. She said that a lot.

Soon with seven. So is it possible that you learned girls stick together, boys stick together. From mom more than grandpa and brother?

Yeah. I never. Never thought that sounds like it. Now it feels like it.

Yeah. What's happening in your stomach? And. And what else are you feeling now?

I actually feel better in my stomach. My heart feels heavy.

Okay. What is that heaviness in your.

Because I feel like I didn't take care of her now.

Okay, so in. In your mind, are you going back and forth, seven to adult? I'd like to invite you, for now, to stay with that seven year old. See, it's. It's easy to discount her, but what would happen if you stood by her and stood for her?

Now I feel like I'm gonna throw up. Okay.

Breathe into it. And that's okay. There's a lot of trapped energy and a lot of withheld voice in your body. When we won't feel our emotions, when we won't speak our truth, it has nowhere to go except stuck in ourselves, Stuck in our body, swirling around. My invitation is for you to keep breathing. What's happening now?

A little better. It's a little better.

How so? What's changing?

I'm just feeling a little girl feeling myself younger.

Does she have a nickname?

Dion. Is what what I was called.

Did you like that name? What's happening now? In your stomach and your heart?

Just kind of swirling.

What's it?

I guess the energy. Feeling like it's trying to come out.

And what is the energy?

I think I feel like it's my voice.

Oh, okay. Does it have a color? Does it.

It's like a yellow. Green.

Can you describe it, even in more detail?

Chartreuse. That's the color the mind. God thought of that word in a long time, that weird green color.

What's your favorite color?

Lavender.

Okay. Okay. And then does this chartreuse have any significance to you?

No. I mean, not that I can think of.

Well, we're gonna roll with it. So when you're ready, I'd like you to open your eyes, come back to me, to us. And I'd like to invite you to just share what you've received so far today.

It definitely went a different way than I thought, because I thought maybe it had something to do with my dad leaving. But now I'm seeing that there's a couple of things that happened to me that I never even thought about with my mom with the. I know. I. I don't talk about her that much. I always talk about my grandparents and I, because they were tougher. They were more our parents, and they kind of pitted us against each other, my brother and I. But I do have a big thing with girls sticking together and protecting my girls. And, you know, it's always boys and girls, and I just never even thought that she would be part of that, I guess, a little bit, but not like that. And I can. I never even thought about the second grade and shutting down, being part of what I. You know, what's going on now either with my voice. So, yeah, that's. It's like three times in a row now. We've had a big, big breakthrough. So.

You and me in our work together.

Yes.

Yeah. Oh. And the best is yet to come. Let's just keep going. And what I'd like to invite you to do is a homework assignment, and I'd like to invite you back with me in the hot seat next week to continue. Okay. Are you open to that.

Next. I start my new job next week.

Oh, my goodness. Well, maybe what we'll do then is we'll continue and we'll post it next week.

Sounds good.

Does that work?

Yep.

Okay. All right. So, Medora, here's the idea I have for a homework assignment because I'd like to let you sit with this. We don't need to rush the breakthrough. And then what I want to say to everyone watching, you know, in my experience, it's easy for our lives to fall asleep. You know, and Medora wasn't born, and none of us were born questioning our truths or our voices. Something happened in a moment, and we made a decision about what would work and what wouldn't. And. And those stories run, those ways that we've protected ourselves run and take over our lives until and unless the adult comes in and intervenes and makes some new decisions. And, you know, when our feet fall asleep, it hurts when they wake up. And one of the things I like to say is when your life's falling asleep, you know. Yeah. You might get nauseous. Yeah. It might feel a little bit painful as it starts to wake up, but that discomfort won't last forever. And I just commend your courage, Medora. What you have modeled for all of us today in my world is courage. It is risking doing the work to dig Deep. With no guarantee of what you are going to find there. It is courage to me what you modeled for us today and I look forward to continuing and I would love for you to just let yourself be with 7 year old Dion for the next 7 days and then you and I will find a time, we'll continue and we'll post it next week. How does that feel?

Sounds good.

So here's what I'd like to invite you to do for homework with Dionne. Do you have a journal? Okay. I'd like for you to do a game in your journal with yourself and Dionne where you ask her questions and you let her answer. So Neil Donald Walsh is an author that wrote a book called Conversations with God. And this is his. You know that book? Yeah. One of my favorites. So what he does is he'll write a question and then he channels God to answer. I'm going to invite you to just play a game where you're asking the seven year old Dion some questions and then you just don't think about it. Breathe into that chartreuse swirl in your body and connect to that voice and see what she has to say. So let's not edit it, let's not script it, let's not think about it, let's not force it. And I want you seven days in a row and you can do as many questions as you want, but at least one per day to write a question to her and let her answer and keep track of it for us and bring it to our next session. Are you willing to do that? Yes. Do you see value in this assignment?

Yes.

What's the value that you see?

I think it will help me see more of what I'm feeling deep down that I've blocked off. I mean to. I think it just helped me dig deeper. Yeah.

And we aren't going to know what's going to come out. So let, let's explain, explore. Let's keep up your courage, risk it and see what happens.

Neighbors have a fire. I thought. Yes, definitely.

Yeah. I love it. I love it. Couple metaphors on this call. You're being called. And then we got a fire going. We got a swirl going. Let's have the adult Dion connect to the seven year on seven year old Dion this week and have a lot of compassion for her. Thank you for your courage today. If you could give us one word how you're leaving the session this morning, what would it be?

Enlightened, I think.

Thank you. I love it. Thank you. Medora Dion. And we'll see you again next week, okay?