How to Heal Your Inner Child and Transform Your Life: Jeremy's Breakthrough (Part 2)

Welcome to the Healing is possible experience. I am your host, author, media personality and emotional healing and relationship coach, Rebecca Silence. Every single week, we take you on a deep dive into possibility, and our goal is for you to feel more well and more alive than ever before. At the end of every single episode, please subscribe to our YouTube channel. Please share with friends, friends or family or anyone you think would benefit any of the shows that call to you, that resonate with you and speak to you the most. Today we are going to continue with Jeremy's work around inner child healing. That belief, that commitment he didn't even know was there, that he's not lovable. He thought his problem was his marriage, but he didn't believe he was lovable. So he's been proving it right ever since. So let's see. Support Jeremy in getting into the breakthrough he so deserves and desires. And everyone, as always, please do your work alongside of him. This is all here for you. Every question I ask, every possibility available to Jeremy is here for you as well. So without further ado, welcome Jeremy. And let's keep going.

Okay, we're going.

Okay. Three, two, one. You're doing great. So consider we're not born knowing we're unlovable or believing that it's a moment in time. An event happens. We get stuck at a stuck age, and then one of our core five emotions that I teach with the practice of emotional healing, we, or multiple, get stuck and a pattern continues. So we weren't born concerned about whether or not we were lovable. Something changed. And then now you had an awareness that maybe you weren't lovable or could do something to become unlovable. And it could be that you witnessed someone else that you loved being treated like they were unlovable for something that they did or didn't do. Or it could just be an experience you had of feeling like, well, now I'm not lovable, or I can't trust that I'm going to be loved. Is any other memory or vision starting to surface? And just take your time.

Nothing is coming to mind.

What about was there any place that you felt stuck, stuck, or not good enough at this time in your life, or any place you were feeling like you really needed to prove yourself? That felt like pressure.

I'm starting to wonder if it may have had something to do with reading.

Okay.

I love reading. Ever since I learned how.

And.

Before I was out of elementary school, I was reading books like Tom Clancy and Michael Crichton and.

Very.

Adult books. I guess for somebody that age and there was always a hero in the book. And I, I know I often tried to model myself after the characters that I looked up to. And maybe I set the bar too high for myself at that age.

This is so big, Jeremy. This is so big. What are you feeling right now starting to surface emotionally? Anger, fear, grief, joy, excitement.

Awe.

And underneath the awe, underneath the on, surprise, anger, fear, grief, joy, excitement. And it can be a combo.

Fear.

Breathe into that. Is fear. Is fear stuck in that top part of your heart? Where's it stuck in your body?

It feels a little bit lower and behind my heart.

So I want you to just consider that the experience we're having of life, that's the area that we have control over. And our feelings about the external, they're just a way to avoid or cope with these emotions that we never learned how to face, move through and conquer that are our guidance system. Anger, it doesn't hurt anyone. Chances are with your children you're not quick to anger, you're quick to avoiding potentially fear, grief. But there's the lash out, blame, persecutor, fight energy that we find ourselves in to cope with our emotional pain. That's not actually anger. The second an emotion is at someone or something, that's a feeling about the external world that's more comfortable than our ability to actually dig deeper and connect to the emotion underneath it. That if we just would, we could feel it, we could process it, we could release it and we'd be clear and free again. Is this making sense?

Yes, it is.

So the stuck fear behind your heart, that's our work right now, man. You ready to do it?

I hope so.

Well, it's a yes or no.

Yes.

All right. You might hope it works, but this is where the work is. Okay. And I am happy to deal with skepticism. Right. I mean in, in all reality, there hasn't been an emotional healing case I haven't been able to crack in over 15 years. Because this is it. We've got to get to the stuck emotion. So we found it. It's fear. So go back to 10 year old Jeremy. Everything you're saying, it's so profound, it's so powerful. Instead of deciding who you wanted to be, listening to your own soul, you thought you had to be someone you weren't. That's painful, that's lonely. Do you feel this?

I do.

Let yourself keep breathing. Connect to the fear. It's not going to hurt you. It's certainly not going to kill you. It's going to save you. So what is it? What were you so afraid of? What's stuck inside of that fear trap behind your heart? What's the fear.

Of falling short as a person, as a man, of. Of not being good enough or being able to be as good as I thought I should be.

And what did you think being good should look like? To start rattling off all the qualities, all the characteristics, your standards for being good.

Helping other people, not burdening other people, just being kind and generous and understanding and patient.

Is it fair to say.

Protective.

Protective. Okay. Is there any more?

No.

Is it fair to say that you essentially decided you would get your worth from. From being the hero, the provider of happiness to other people?

Yes.

Okay. So the reason I want to say it that way is because if we believe we are the source of other people's happiness and that's our purpose, first of all, we're never going to be successful at that job, right? We're going to fail, fail, fail. Because every human being is the source happiness and the source of their suffering. Period. End of story. And we always have what it takes to get back to happiness if we're suffering. But it's got to be me with me, not you doing something different or being the medicine and the saving grace. Then if this is your purpose, you also somehow unconsciously believe that. And this isn't just you, Jeremy. This is all of us. And I've certainly had to heal through this in my own work over the years, thinking I was supposed to be the hero. I was supposed to be the savior. That was the rule I lived by for so freaking long. And it just felt so. So much like a black hole, like there were. There was no way to win that. Right? So what I want you to consider is because you thought you were going to be the source of your wife's happiness, and then obviously you weren't in your mind, if she cheated on you, she was also supposed to be the source of your happiness. So we have, like. You let yourself down, you let her down, she let you down, she'll let the marriage down, all going on at once. Because she's supposed to be your source of happiness. You're supposed to be hers. And what the fuck? This isn't the way the story was supposed to go.

Yeah.

All right. This resonating. Yeah, okay, so bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. You were never supposed to be the source of her happiness. You're supposed to be the mirror and the relationship that helps her see herself. So you are not there to fix, prove, do for her. She has that under control. And then she can't be. Do have that for you. Do you follow me here?

Yeah.

I want you to look at 10 year old Jeremy with this cute little Tom Clancy book in his hands. And I want you to tell him you're fired from trying to be everybody's source of happiness. Man. Your job is to be yours. Say it in your own way, but like talk to that kid.

You're wrong, Bunny. It's not what you're here to do. And sounds great and seems noble. It doesn't work. Don't do it. You gotta stop. It's gonna hurt.

Keep breathing. What do you want for him instead? Tell him.

I want you to be happy. Don't. Don't stop helping people. That's not wrong. But stop thinking that maybe you're the only one that can.

Beautiful. Keep breathing. Keep feeling this. What's happening.

Feel regret. You're not not being able to tell that kid sooner.

Keep breathing. What we don't get to do here. You can if you want, but you certainly don't have to. Is use this awareness as more ammunition against yourself. You are very good at thinking. You're not enough. Not lovable enough. Not good enough. If I could have just done better, then none of this would happen. That's a story that needs to end for you, Jeremy. Do you know how freaking lucky those kids that you have are? Four gorgeous humans that chose you to be their father for a reason. Because you care about being the best father you can possibly be. Do you know how lucky they are that you're doing this work while they're 7 5? What is it? One and a half or three and a half and on the way?

Yeah.

You. You don't get to beat yourself up here, man. Not on my watch. You're happy to do that more after we're done if you want. But hold the goddamn phone because you get to be free. Are you gonna let yourself? Are you gonna give yourself more reasons to feel like.

No, I don't need any more reasons.

Thank you. Look at that 10 year old and tell him your best was and is and always has been enough.

You're good, kid. The best you can do is enough. As long as that's what you're doing, that's enough.

Jeremy, have you always strived to do your best?

No.

Why are you saying that? How do you know.

I want to change that answer? I said no because in my head there were. There were times when I. Even while I was doing it, I didn't like what I was doing. And that I tell myself if you were Being that way, how could that be your best when you have have been better than that? But at that time, I think that was the best I could do.

Thank you.

So even though it wasn't what I expected, it was the best I had.

Breathe and feel that, Jeremy. Let yourself have this. And for all of you watching, your best is enough. Your best is enough. Your best is enough. And all we need here, Jeremy, is to fire the 10 year old from trying to lead your life and your marriage and your joy. He's 10. He should just play and be a kid and you can decide who you want to be. You knew me before I was Rebecca Silence. I became Rebecca Silence. This was not natural. Take a deep breath. What are you seeing?

Hanging out when we were younger.

How are you feeling?

Happy right now.

Did you think that'd be possible in just one short call?

I thought it might be.

It only is because you committed and you're doing the work. Happiness is so available to you. And you can be patient and loving and grounding and nurturing and joyful and enjoying your life again and happy. Even with some issues going on in your marriage, even with some emotional healing work to do. But let's not let happiness be contingent on circumstance anymore. And let's not put so much pressure on yourself that you have to be who you think you have to be in order to deserve happiness. Or that other people have to be who you think they need to be for you to feel happy. You can be happy and a shit show going through it, growing through it, or just happy and seeing where your best right now isn't enough for where you want to be. So you're going to do the work to improve so you can be as good as you would need to be to have what you want and deserve. Do you follow me here?

Yes.

What are you hearing?

That I can be happy.

What's that like?

It feels new. It feels better.

Keep feeling. And breathing. Welcome to the rest of your life, Jeremy. You've been cheating yourself out of happiness by trying to be who you thought you were supposed to be by trying to be the hero in everybody else's story. Are you willing to only be focused on My happiness is my responsibility. And I get to be happy even when life isn't going my way?

Yes.

Why?

Because it's up to me.

What are you feeling?

Peaceful.

When you're ready. If you want to open your eyes, I'm here. That was such brave, incredible work. Then you have a part in the marriage. And the marriage can survive an affair. Do you Love your wife?

Yes.

Do you give yourself permission to be with that truth, even in the face of the affair? No judgment. You're allowed to love your wife, and there was an affair, and you had already been cheating on you before she cheated on you. And we just solved for that, set the energy in motion in a new direction. So now your marriage has a shot. It's okay to want to make it work. It's not easy. I. Countless couples I've coached through affairs. When you want to know something really interesting, I have never had a couple where someone cheated. And the person who cheated didn't grow up in a family where someone cheated. Never. We play out our wounds. We play out the heartbreaks until they heal. Past trauma literally runs our life until it's healed, till the scar is now not hurting because it's there. I always touch my arm because I have a scar from my shoulder down to my elbow from where I was diagnosed with cancer. The scar heals, and it doesn't seem like it's going to. It seems like this painful moment is forever and is our destiny. Unless we say, hell, no. There's nothing, not even a feeling or a wound or a trauma, more powerful than me in my ability to reinvent, to recreate, and to thrive in survival. It's a sticky, slippery, slippery, shitty place to live. And we just keep proving our fears and our wounds right in survival. And then there's this whole next level of living where we decide, all right, I get how it's been. It's time to use that to my advantage. And it's time to create a new version of me that is still me at my essence, at my core. But it's the me I want to be. It's the me I choose. And you can be the you you want to be and the you you choose regardless of circumstance. Are you seeing that now?

Yeah.

You haven't been quick to anger with your kids. You've been clogged up and emotionally funky and burying all this fear. And not only that, it's like your biggest fear. You had a dream of family. You have a dream of a love story that's gorgeous and beautiful like you are. You can still have those things. And when we're done, go hold those kids and let them see the real you. Flaws and all. I love to say the flaws are the frosting. And if you're lucky enough to know my flaws, you're lucky. I am very public. I'm very vulnerable. I'm like, here's all my flaws all the time. Now but for so long, I was so afraid of getting found out. When we knew each other in high school, there were things going on with me. I thought I'd die before I told anybody. I got my life back when I decided I'm done keeping secrets. I'm done harboring shame. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You haven't let anybody down. Now is your time to live. We take this moment and we run with it. We don't take our stuck emotions out on anybody else. We don't blame other people for our stuck emotions. We connect to them. This is where you taking the Emotional Survival Kit course would be an amazing next level of healing and transformation for you and for anybody else watching. You want to know how to master your emotions. You want to become so emotionally intelligent that your emotions never fuck with you ever again. Take the course. It's@rebecca silence.com. it's the best I've got. All right. Go take it. So Jeremy, what was this experience like and what are you committed to from here on out for yourself?

That ones different. I'm having a hard time finding the words.

That's okay.

Say it. But it was good. Certainly glad I'm here.

And.

I'm gonna. I am committed to myself.

Can you put the weight of all this pressure of being everything for everyone down and help but from a place of unshakable wholeness and self prioritization first?

Yes.

And you can let your wife off the hook. She's not responsible for how stuck you felt and how dark it's been. And consider that she's actually the perfect healer and teacher and gift in your life to help you get to all of this that's been in there needing to come out the whole time so that the pattern does end with you and it doesn't get passed on to your kids.

Yeah.

My commitment with my two girls has been I want them to know who they are to be who they are, not who they think I want or need them to be or who they think the world wants or needs them to be. And I'll tell you right now, I got one who's 18. It's a real interesting place to be after raising someone to be who they're going to be and then let go of control of the choices that are being made. Made. But we never have control over the choices other people are making anyway. And we're trying. When we're trying to influence it, it's really just manipulation. And then people are like, ah, this is pressure.

Yeah.

Right. Because we're being who we think we're supposed to be for them. And then we're in essence, without meaning to needing them to be who we need them to be for us. And it's a mess.

Mm.

You did gorgeous work today. Again. Your kids are so lucky to have you. So is your wife. And I would love for you to consider how lucky you are to have your wife and this opportunity to love yourself and to love her in a new way and to see then where that goes. And like I said earlier, I think now your marriage has a shot. And if you want my support with that work, all you gotta do is ask. Okay, everyone out there. I do two day couples intensives, sometimes on the Hail Mary pass. Sometimes people think there's no hope, like Jeremy did at the beginning of this, you know, session with me. But there is hope, and it is just about are you going to be brave enough to, you know, check your ego at the door and do the work to heal so you can have the thing you want? So gorgeous work, Jeremy. Did you get what you needed?

I did.

So much love, so proud of you and thank you all for being with us. This is the healing as possible experience. I am your host, Rebecca. Silence. If you've enjoyed these episodes with Jeremy, please subscribe to the YouTube channel and please share with any. Anyone you believe would benefit. That would mean so much. Let's spread the goodness because healing isn't promised, but it is possible. I love you so much. See you very soon.