How to Help When a Friend Is Hurting

Someone's going through something and they reach out and you're being a good friend and listening and whatnot. And what's the best way to go about if someone reaches out to you? Like, hey, I'm having a time. Can you help me?

Okay.

Kind of a thing.

So specifically, when it comes to friendship, we're going to talk about when your friends in trouble are hurting, how do you be the best possible friend? Foreign.

2.5. The best mix from the 90s to now. Big pop in the afternoon. It is a mental wellness Wednesday. Life coach Rebecca Silence. And she has the emotional survival kits available@rebeccasilence.com There's a book coming. There's a podcast. There's. There's this right here and she's right there. And hi, Rebecca, how are you?

Hello, everyone. There's also a couple spots left if you want to live with me for three days in September. September. And that's right, experience the Healing is Possible weekend. It's open to all genders and anyone ready to get more free and more alive than they've ever imagined possible. Get in touch if you're interested again.

Rebeccasilence.Com so, Rebecca, this week I would like to talk about being a friend.

Okay.

As far as someone's going through something and they reach out and you're being a good friend and listening and whatnot. And what's the best way to go about if someone reaches out to you, like, hey, I'm having a time. Can you help me? Okay, Kind of a thing.

So specifically, when it comes to friendship, we're going to talk about when your friends in trouble are hurting, how do you be the best possible friend?

Right?

Because this is a really important topic because no one, just like nobody's immune to trauma. I don't care who you are. And that's the point of the emotional survival kit is to wake you up to where your past, your pain and your trauma. All that means is where you got frozen and stuck in some point is still running your life now. So. So the reason I bring that up here is because often when someone we love is upset or in trouble or hurting, it can reactivate our trauma. When we grew up, there are people that we loved that were hurting or suffering or stuck or in pain. And even I just did a couples intensive this last weekend. And one of the things that's fascinating when I'm spending two days with a couple or a family to help them reignite, reinvent and heal is often when will get to a place where we're dealing with A trauma that was at such a young age. The person doesn't have words, they're just feeling what they never got to feel. Think about it. A four year old, a five year old, a six year old, even a ten year old if they see a parent or a sibling or a loved one in quote unquote trouble. We don't know exactly what's going on. We just are sensitive and we can feel the energy. And it's easy to, to, to try to make up a story about what's going on, but often there aren't even words. There's just this feeling that feels heavy and hard and difficult, but there's no words for it. So all I'm saying is if someone really close to you is hurting and in trouble and you don't even have words for how you're feeling or you're in your head making up that like this isn't even about me, so what's going on with me? Or you just can't try to dismiss what's going on with you to focus on them. You're having your own experience too. So the thing about relationships is we have our own experience and the other person is having their own experience. And this is the hack, this is the relationship hack that I think keeps relationships healthy is to know that you going into the person's pain with them validates their pain, but it also strokes it, meaning you're helping them give their pain power instead of being a part of neutralizing and diffusing the upset. So the alternative is no.

My question, I'm sorry to interrupt. My question is if you're going in, someone asks you and you're just trying to be a good friend, you know, hey, I'm going through some stuff and sometimes people just want to, you know, tell the story and have someone listen. And then there are times when people want advice and what's a way to do that and not. I never really, never really thought of, you know, stroking the, the, the power and that stuff. I, I'm just, you know, I'm just trying, you know, people are just trying to be, you know, a good person and like listen and try to help.

100 but if you don't know that you're either helping encourage their upset or helping encourage their most powerful self in the situation, then you can be encouraging their powerlessness in the situation without meaning to. So all I'm saying is if you think you going into the pain with them, you taking on their pain in an effort to try to help them not be in pain Anymore is effective. And you're wrong because it's not. So you staying neutral and grounded and speaking to their greatness is the most important thing. And then you can be with them in your power, not your energy getting zapped or drained because they're upset or thinking you're speaking.

Rebecca. Silence. And I need you to. I need you to break it down so. So everyone that. That doesn't speak, Rebecca understands.

So if you suffer because your loved one is suffering, you encourage the suffering instead of the healing.

Okay.

We do this way more than we realize. We make ourselves less because our friend or our loved one is in trouble. And we sit in stew in the upset with them. And no healing happens when that's going on. So instead. Instead separate you from them in their pain while you stay connected. Meaning you can ask them, you made a great point earlier. Do you ask them? Do you want me to listen? Do you want my perspective? How can I support you here? That's the strategy. But before I got to the strategy, I want you to see how easy it is to lose you in someone you love. Someone pain and suffering. And that never helps. So find out from a place where you're already whole in your best while they're in their hurt what they're wanting from you. And then the worst thing to do is to try to be almost like toxic positivity police and like throw solutions at them. That's not going to work. And then you going into their pain with them isn't going to work. Find out what support they need. And I always tell the story of us right when I'm talking about friendships of you and me. Gary, when I had cancer and you asked me what you could do for me and I said, I am stuck in bed. I can't even hold my baby. I had cancer while I was pregnant, then I had the baby, and then I had a year of treatment and I am in bed and I can't move. And I had so many surgeries on my arm, I couldn't even hold my baby. And then you reach out and you say, what can I do? And I am like, how about some music? And you load an ipod and you bring me flowers while I'm at a chemo appointment. So I come home from chemo and on my kitchen table is an ipod, fully loaded, and it says, play me. And next to it is a vase of flowers and it says, smell me. And it brings tears to my eyes. Just remember, you didn't see me. You didn't go into my pain with me. You didn't see me as some victim that you needed to cuddle that would have encouraged my powerlessness. You saw my greatness, you saw my power. And you actually cared enough to not just throw noodles against the wall and see what sticks, but ask me what I needed and listen. And you were there for me. And that is a perfect example of how to be there for somebody in a dark hour. You don't have to fix it for them. And you going into their pain with them only makes the pain even more all consuming. There's possibility at the same time that there's pain, there's their greatness that's there regardless of what they're going through. So just not your reaction to their upset, because I am telling you, this is such a big conversation. We are way more codependent than we realize.

Oh yeah, we're definitely just scratching the surface on this topic. Absolutely.

Pain, right? Zaps us in ways we're not even paying attention to. So more than anything today, I want you to get that. You get to be you whole, you get to speak to them whole. And then here's the other thing. This is going to be controversial, but the last thing I want to say about this is if you are not emotionally in a place to be there for someone in their pain in a moment, don't try to force it and don't try to fake it. You are not right. You are not the only one. And we do this all the time. Best friends, spouses, siblings. Right. We think I have to be the primary support. And don't lose sight of you're going through your own too. And if in a moment, it's not the right time to take the call or you're not emotionally in a space.

Rebecca, let's be honest. Most people that aren't, quote unquote, emotionally ready are hopping on and trying to help because they don't want to deal with their own stuff. It's their way of avoiding.

And that's a whole next level of conversation. Right. That's the other way that we go in it with people is it's a convenient distraction from whatever the hell we're needing to face and heal. But all I'm saying is give yourself permission to be there authentically instead of sourcing from who you think you should be in the situation or what you think you should do because you're afraid your friends, your loved ones need a support system that's at least three to five people, not just you. So if you've got people in your life where you're the only one. I just want you to look at that because that's not a role you need to take. And then do you know who your support people are? Are you when you're in trouble, reaching out and asking for help? Because the whole show today is built on the premise of ask for help when you need it. So let's not skip over that part because it's critically important. And if one person isn't there that day, go to the next one. But write down three to five people that are there for you, that are your inner circle. And if you don't have one yet, let's get you to some meetups. Let's get you going to some places in your community where you can meet people because guess what, the world is still reeling, but it's also got the doors open again. So let's not hermit our way through our pain. It only makes it worse. Let's be there for each other, let's ask for help and let's know the difference between being in someone's pain with them and just with them while they're.

In is a Mental Wellness Wednesday. It's life coach Rebecca Silence, the emotional survival kit. A lot of this gets covered in there. Go to rebeccasilence.com to to get that new book coming out, coming out in October, Coming back to life. I'm super excited about that. I know that's a huge process. I'm very proud of you for that. The breakthrough podcast Tougher Together. You can get that wherever you get your podcast and of course right here on mixed 2.5 mental wellness Wednesday. Rebecca, great stuff as always. We'll talk to you next week.

Love you so much and thank you for being a wonderful friend. Bye, everyone.