Podcast-style YouTube conversation (early 2023) between a host and life coach Rebeccah Silence about how to set and hold healthy boundaries in personal and professional relationships. Key claims: boundaries are acts of self-respect (not walls, punishment, or weapons); effective boundaries do not require changing others but model consequences and truthful choices; common challenges include sustaining boundaries with long-term friends and family and tolerating discomfort from others' reactions. Rebeccah gives simple (friend visiting) and complex (family move) examples, and promotes her book Coming Back to Life and resources at rebeccasilence.com.
Questions this video answers
Coming Back to Life
rebeccasilence.com
So let's talk boundaries. But being able to hold the boundaries without coming across as, you know, like, in a negative way.
Look at boundaries as you respecting yourself above all else. That's what a boundary is. It's you knowing what you want, what you need, what takes care of you, that respects you so that you don't lose you in your relationships.
Mix with a 2.5, the best mix from the 90s to now. Big Papa in the afternoon. And it is a mental wellness Wednesday life coach Rebecca Silence, author of the book Coming Back to Life. It is get. You can literally get it wherever you get your books, including the audio version is available as well. If you're not much of a reader, like I'm not, you can listen to it just like you would listen to a podcast. So you can go check that out anywhere you get your books. Again, it's coming back to life. Rebecca, how are you?
Well, hello, everybody. Can we believe that January is almost already over?
I blinked like New Year's Eve was like, yesterday. That's what it feels like.
Yeah. It's been a wild month for so many people. So glad to be here.
So let's talk boundaries.
Oh, good.
All right, let's. Let's talk boundaries. And.
The.
How do I want to phrase this? Making sure that you hold your boundaries, whether it's professional or personal, but being able to hold the boundaries without coming across as, you know, like, in a negative way. Like, there's got to be a positive way to hold firm on boundaries, you know, whether it's a. Whether it's personal or professional. Does that make sense?
Well, it so does. And my clients are always working through this one. And I myself, let's just be transparent and honest, am always working through this one. So I'd love to start with just a few misconceptions around boundaries, because boundaries, they're not walls and they're not punishment, and they're not weapons. What I mean by that is a boundary. Isn't you upset, triggered, so now you're getting revenge? Or you and your heartbreak have you putting walls up and creating distance between you and the people you care about. And we call that a boundary. That's not a boundary. Let's look at what a boundary is and how we can make boundaries a success story, because I think that's really what this conversation is about. People have trouble with boundaries because it feels like boundaries always lead to failure of some kind. Let's learn how together today to make boundaries successful. So with that being said, look at boundaries as you respecting Yourself above all else. That's what a boundary is. It's you knowing what, what you want, what you need, what takes care of you, that respects you, so that you don't lose you in your relationships. We are in a very codependent world, meaning we give ourselves up for love. We give ourselves up to keep the peace, we give ourselves up to avoid conflict or having our, you know, vulnerability needing to be seen by other people. But, but boundaries, real simple, it's self respect. What is really good news here is that boundaries never require other people to change. But people mistakenly think that if they set a boundary, they're going to get people to show up how they want them to show up. They're going to get people to change. So that's where boundaries fail. When I'm going to hold this boundary, say this boundary so I can get you to see the light, teach you a lesson, get you to show up how I want you to show up, you've already lost the relationship because it isn't about changing other people, it's about modeling with consistency if you behave in this way. Here's how I will behave if you make this decision. Here's the decision I'm going to make and I'm raising an 18 year old right now. You know, boundaries aren't just at work with our friends, with our family of origin, it can even be with our kids. But it's mostly you with you. So let me just give an example if. Well, here's a very simple example. I'll give a simple example and then I'll give a more complex example. So my best friend just flew into town to surprise my 8 year old for her birthday weekend. She was getting flights, I had two full days of work and that was before the party. And when she was going to fly in, I had to work. So my boundary was, wasn't needing her to be different, it was just letting her know, if these are your flights, I'm so excited but I won't be available to, to be with you until this day at this time. But you can stay at the house, you can be here. She ended up staying with her own family for those two days. We met up, we made it work, but it's that simple. It's not going out of your way to make your own life harder in the name of love or relationship. It's you staying true to you. You know, a more complex example, my family almost from Colorado to Maine last year and my boundaries with my husband in this conversation didn't require him to do anything. But I was just letting him know what was important to me, if we were going to move. And we ended up not moving. And that wasn't because of my boundaries. It was because the more I was honest about what I needed, if that move was going to happen, the more, you know, we both were honest and the more we figured out this probably isn't the right decision for our family. So boundaries always lead to the truth and boundaries always lead to right action for you. But the hard part is sitting with the uncomfortability of other people's reactions to your boundaries. But it isn't about punishment, it's about honoring you. Yeah, go ahead.
So with that being said, one of the hardest boundaries to sustain is with friends, especially if one friend is going through a hard time and they always reach out when things aren't going well. And, and it's very, it's very tough because you care about them and you want to help them, but you also have to, you know, establish and maintain a boundary. And that I think is one of the hardest ones to do. And a lot of people are dealing with it.
Absolutely. And also, you know, when the friendship has been there a long time and two people are starting to go on different paths, how do you navigate that? Right. But here's the bottom line. If you have a friend that you've been over functioning for, it's going to sound maybe a little bit cold and overly simplistic, but just don't answer the phone when you're not available, when you don't want to. It doesn't even mean you have to be busy to justify not answering the phone. If you keep answering the phone, you keep prolonging the dynamic in the relationship that actually feels like crap to you, which, no judgment here, but it makes you a liar in the relationship. Right? When you go against you, when you tolerate, when you answer the phone, when it doesn't feel good, when you spend an hour, two hours listening to someone's vent and it doesn't feel good. That's you crossing your own boundaries. So other people don't even need to know that you're setting a boundary or that you're holding a boundary. It's you no longer giving yourself permission to behave in a way that has you disrespecting yourself. That's how to change your boundaries in a healthy way. That's how to be successful and that's how to actually have your friends meet you now. You know, and if you need to do. Let me reintroduce myself post on social media it's 2023. I will not this year be disrespecting myself for anyone for any reason encourage all of you to do the same. Go ahead and write that post or go ahead and write it down in your journal. But the point is, it's up to you to stop saying yes when you really mean no. It's up to you to say yes to what feeds your soul, honors you, respects you and has you more alive. That is how to have a new experience and relationship of boundaries.
And that is why she is amazing. It's Life Coach Rebecca Silence Online rebeccasilence.com A lot of great information and useful tools and tips and things you can do there. And of course the book Coming Back to Life. You can get anywhere your books are sold. Rebecca, always a pleasure.
Thank you everyone and visit rebeccasilence.com for some free services to help you with your boundaries. Let's not have another year where we give ourselves up for any reason. Bye everybody.
