How to Know if You’re in an Abusive Relationship

The darkness is real, but so is the light. And there's no darkness, including the darkness, of abuse and abusive relationship dynamics that's more powerful than you and your ability to heal and transform anything that you're living with that no longer serves you or the life you want. Okay, we're going. Okay. Three, two, one. Healing is possible. Experience with me, your host, Rebecca Silence, where today we're talking about abuse, domestic violence, signs, strategies, what to do if you find yourself in in an abusive relationship or environment. It is so common that people live with abuse and that that's their life and it doesn't have to be that way. So to kick us off, please keep in mind that the purpose of this show is to take you on a journey of hope and healing. And then the point is, is the darkness is real, but so is the light. And there's no darkness, including the darkness, of abuse and abusive relationship dynamics that's more powerful than you and your ability to heal and transform anything that you're living with that no longer serves you or the life you want. This topic is very precious to me, based on my life experience. The book Coming Back to Life that I've written will be out in your hands October 11th. It's on pre sale now and you can hear more of my personal journey through abuse and the dark into healing and the light in the book Coming Back to Life, which you can order anywhere you order books and you can actually also order@rebeccasilence.com with that being said, I want to point out a few just basic points that I think are really important in this conversation around abuse and domestic violence and what to do to end the cycle, to break the cycle, and to put the years, decades, seasons of abuse that you have faced or maybe even are currently facing in your past for good. I am an absolute example. I am a living, breathing testimony that healing is possible and the abusive dynamics no longer have to be a norm or a rule that you cope with, survive your way through, or live by. It's very painful for many of us to talk about abuse if we have survived abuse or are even still living in abusive dynamics. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. So my team and I felt it was essential, critical even, that we have this conversation together. What I want to stress is that if you are a survivor, a victim of past abuse, if you're living in abusive dynamics now, you aren't alone. And as cliche as it is, we have to say it. And it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not Your fault. It's not your fault. There's nothing you can do to make the abuser behave better. There's nothing you did wrong that caused the person to behave, how they're behaving. And then I also am very much feeling like it's important to say you could also be the abuser watching this episode. And I have the greatest compassion for you. And I'm really grateful that you're here with us today so that you can also get some hope, some healing and some support for you. Because whether you're on the end of the abuse in terms of you're in the victim role or you're the perpetrator, there's healing, there's growth available, and the cycle can end. Abuse cycles occur because we learned abuse cycles occur. There's no abuser out there that wasn't abused, and there's no victim out there that didn't experience abuse at a young age and then decide on some unconscious level. And the word unconscious is critical here, right? Because nobody chooses abuse. Nobody wants to be an abuser, and nobody wants to be a victim. And no one wants. Wants to live in the horror and the terror and the fear that, you know the abuse is inevitably going to continue, suck the life out of you, kill your spirit, and leave you in a state of going through the motions, just trying to survive. Nobody chooses that path. However, that path does get passed on, right? We're abused because our parents were. Our parents are abusers or abused and modeling that for us. And then we follow in the footsteps of, see, in our family, we just get abused because their parents were abused. It's a generational cycle that can absolutely end and be broken. And if you're here, it is my. My strong assumption that you're here because you're the one that sees that life could be different. You're the one that sees that there absolute is and can be and should be a better way. And you're not wrong. Often when it comes to that person in the family, that's the generational healer, that's eyes wide open, that's awake to the dysfunction and to the abuse patterns that no longer serve or have any business being a part of our lives, our relationships, our family unit, often that person starts to think something's wrong with them because. Because nobody else seems to see what is up, what is going on, what is real that isn't okay, that's inappropriate, that's unacceptable, that's painful, and it's abusive. So if you're here, I just want you to hear These words, nothing is wrong with you, the abuse isn't your fault and you're not crazy and you're right. You're not the one that something's wrong with. You're right that these abuse cycles aren't okay and are extremely damaging and have no business in your life or in the lives of those you love. You're right and it's not your fault. And it's not love or a norm that you just have to accept and tolerate and live with, even though it has likely been a norm in your family system. And the thing about abuse is it can be disguised as love and it can be very confusing if we doubt ourselves and our intuition and our own ability to see what's unhealthy. I don't want us doubting ourselves. I want us having standards of the most healthy, respectful, loving, compassionate, kind relationship dynamics being the only thing we'll accept and nothing else. And I've got today's show broken up into three categories for you. And as a childhood survivor of abuse in the home on multiple fronts and as a woman that ended and got out of my own domestic violence marriage with a two year old, this conversation again, it is very precious to me. It is very near and dear to my heart and I will never forget the seasons of my life where I couldn't even pick myself up off the floor. I will never forget the seasons of life where I couldn't stop crying. I'll never forget the seasons of life where I wanted to die more than I was, was willing or felt like I was capable of facing the truths about the abuse that I had experienced. Abuse has been a part of my journey on a level that has defined me. But what I have refused to do and what my invitation to all of you gorgeous people with me right now in the healing as possible community and family. Watching this episode right now, my greatest wish for you is that you can learn how to have your abuse define you in a way where it brings out the best of you, the highest, most wise, most powerful you versus it defines you in terms of limiting the rest of your life or killing your spirit. What I haven't allowed abuse in my past and my history to do is make me less than have me living like I'm in a deficit, having me feel like something's wrong with me, like I'm not lovable, like I'm not enough, like it's my fault that even the people that I love the most, that seem to love me the most can't treat me better because I'm not enough. All those old stories that were real for me, definitely they were present, they were real, they were fact that this was my destiny, that it had to be hard, that this must be what I deserve, that this is just going to inevitably be my life. Those stories. There was a moment in time. Thanks to seminars, thanks to great therapists and coaches and friends and family. There was a time where I actually made the decision that abuse would define me in a way that gave me the best of me and access to the best of my life versus the season where it had me feeling small, fragile and broken. And what I want any and all of you watching to hear is that we've never been broken. Even if we're survivors of abuse. Our hearts got broken and our hope got shattered and our ability to believe that it's possible to move beyond the abuse cycle somewhere along the line possibly got threatened. But today's episode is here to take you by the hand and to encourage you to open your heart again and and your hope again and to tap into your power and your courage so that you can use the abuse that you have faced or maybe even are facing right now to your advantage. And that is my biggest message for all of us today. Abuse is real and it repeats because it continues to get passed on, to get modeled. The perpetrator is just as powerless as the victim and the perp and the victim, they're both fighting for a sense of power and control after experiencing their dignity and their power and control being threatened or maybe even taken away. But what is critical is that we don't let the abuse win. We don't give it the power to define us in a way that has this feeling less than or that has this feeling like now our life is going to be less than what it could be because of these moments in time. And here's another, I think really, really important point. The abuse happens in moments. It's not a rule that we have to agree to live by. And the big five pieces that I want us all to take away in terms of, let's just kick it off with what are the common signs that abuse is happening? And I have so much I want to say that I've got several notes here and I'm just going to give you everything I've got so that you can be more awake, more aware and more powerful in the face of abusive, you know, history in the face of abusive relationship dynamics that you're still living with. And even more importantly, in the moments where you choose self betrayal and self harm and Self abuse as a way to cope with what you faced. We've got to look at common signs. Then we're going to look at how to detect abuse. And then you want to be sure to listen to the entire episode so that you can hear my tips on. Okay, so what do we do next? What do we do now that we finally had the guts to face the abuse that we've lived with or are still living with? Where do we go next? That will be the third piece of today's show. Grab a blanket, some tissues, a journal, a pen. Get relaxed, get comfortable. What I promise is that this episode isn't going to make anything worse. It's going to open your eyes and your heart even more and give you some awareness so that hopefully you don't doubt or question yourself ever again about your history and so that you don't feel like anything is wrong with you or like you're broken or at a deficit anymore. That's what's so important to me to give you in today's episode. So let's start with just top five common signs of abusive relationships, again, with the understanding that the abuse isn't your fault. It's certainly not love. And the abuse cycles and dynamics, they're not going to heal and change unless you change. That doesn't give abusers a free pass. It doesn't give the people who abused you a free pass. No, it gives you power back in a healthy way to recognize that the experience you're having, the patterns you're living, the choices you're making no longer have to be sourced from fear or your history or an expectation and resignation that this just is what it is and this is your life and just part of the hand you were dealt. No, no, no, no, no. It's not just your life or part of the hand you were dealt with. Fuck that. You are more powerful, you are stronger, and you can transcend and transform these dynamics that you've lived with so that you don't have to pass it on to your own children. This underlying unconscious agreement that we deal with abuse in this family. No, let's not pass it on to our children. So the first common sign of an abusive relationship is blame is simple as that word is. And as simplistic as this might sound, I don't want to diminish or make light of the severity of abuse that is real and actually takes lives. Whether it takes a life due to suicide, whether it takes a life because a victim is just so shut down that now they're a walking zombie Half alive version of themselves we don't want on our watches. If you're here, you're a leader, you're a difference maker. You have the capacity to heal through any abuse and be a cycle breaker in your family. And so again, I'm not making light, I'm not trying to oversimplify. I'm trying to make it really clear, black and white. What are we looking at? What are we dealing with and how do we do better for ourselves, for our children and for our future? So blame is a major sign that abusive dynamics are present or brewing. When we're blaming other people or when we are receiving blame, we are putting the person in a position of power over us, which is a breeding ground for abusive dynamics. Abuse can't happen when we see ourselves as equals and when we see ourselves as fully powerful and having the ability to choose what's best for us, what's right for us, what's healthy for us in any moment with no fear, with no fear of loss, with no fear of abandonment, with no fear that there's a threat that could hurt us or harm us or diminish our light when we show up in our full on power. Abusers pick somebody else and it's more of an opportunity to lead and stand in our power. Modeling healthy dynamics versus now. I feel at the effect of this other person. My power is in their hands and I'm saying all of this with no judgment. I was there, abuser after abuser, crisis after crisis. The definition of a damsel in distress. For so many years I was a shell of me. And again, you can hear a lot more detail about where I come from, what I have learned, how I have healed and how I live now in the book Coming Back to Life. But don't underestimate the very classic sign of abuse in either the beginning stages or the full on stages of blame being present in your relationships. Blame is not a healthy relationship dynamic. And again, it goes both ways and it's unhealthy. Both ways. It's unhealthy for you to engage in listening to being blamed for other people's experience, choices and behaviors. And it's unhealthy to project your pain onto other people and blame them for where you find yourself. Blame is toxic, it's dangerous and it can absolutely get to the point where it becomes abusive. The second common sign that I want to offer us today is the relationship dynamic of threatening. And we do it so often and we do it sometimes without even meaning to. And we do it because again, it was done to us. But I want us to give ourselves permission after today's episode to take these five common signs of abuse and get more awake and aware so that we're no longer willing to engage in these behaviors that are choices once we're awake and aware. So when it comes to threats, how often are you threatening ending a relationship? How often are you threatened by another person wanting you to change or be how they need you to be for them to give you love? Threat can be as obvious as physical threat, but it can be as subtle as. As just little itty bitty indications that I will take love away unless you do what I say. I will take support away unless you do what I say. I will conditionally love unless you do what I say and you do what I want. It's so common. My husband Mark and I did an episode on this show recently about our 10 years of marriage and the ups and the downs and the trials and the tribulations. And when we first got together, I'll be honest, based on my history, I expected him to be the love of my life. The most beautiful relationship I'd ever had until it changed and he became abusive just like everybody else. I started this relationship with my husband, expecting him to turn on a dime, expecting my experience of love in a healthy way not to last. I threatened divorce so many times he did too, especially early on. I threatened to, you know, withhold love and sex early on because it was the only way I felt like I had power. But those choices, while they were meant to help me cope and survive and there to try to help me feel safe, they were perpetuating my history of abuse and setting the stage for more abusive relationship dynamics that I was used to without me even meaning to. So blame. Don't let yourself be someone who's willing to blame or to accept being blamed threats. Be really careful about where you're threatening your relationships and when someone's threatening you. That is not love, that is not healthy, and that is not appropriate or acceptable at all. The second there's threat showing up in your relationships, it is time for a relationship coach or a great therapist or potentially to end the relationship altogether and to move on and trusting that healthier love is available to you. Don't make the mistake of believing that an abuser is the only source of love or the metric that determines how lovable you are. The abuser can't love you more than they are loving themselves, and they can't love you any healthier than they are in terms of how healthy they are based on their own abuse story. You will be loved as far as your, your people because again, this conversation is not exclusive to romantic relationships, even though it's very important to pay attention to in romantic relationships. But this episode and what we're talking about in terms of abuse dynamics in relationships, it's across the board. It's any relationship you'll ever have that everything I'm saying today applies to. So don't expect abuse to just be limited to romance and don't expect anybody in your life to be able to love you healthier than they are. And we're not healthier than our ability and our work we've done to heal through our trauma and our abuse. Your past 100% determines how healed and healthy you are today. 100%. And you never have to feel powerless again. But we've got to face the reality of how we're living and how we've lived and what we've been through if we want it to be healthier or different. So blame threat. The third common sign of abuse that I'm going to discuss today is attack. Attack can look like lashing out. Attack can look verbal, physical, mental, emotional, financial, sexual. And I just want us to stop normalizing that these three things just happen or that they're because of love. They are, they are mutually exclusive. Blame, threat, attack, nothing to do with love. They're all avoidance to intimacy. And they're all powerless ways to try to, you know, cope with and overcome a past that keeps us in the past. Attack is not acceptable. For so long, I would engage in people verbally attacking and, you know, at times physically attacking and mentally and confusing me about is it my fault that this person is coming at me this hard? Never. It's never your fault that another person is coming at you even while they tell you it's your fault. It is not your fucking fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault. They are coming at you because they are. They are addressing their own demons. They are fighting with a ghost. It's not even you. So the worst thing we can do is attack ourselves in the face of attack by taking personally other people's unhealed bullshit that they are projecting and emotionally vomiting all over the place and all over us. No, it's not acceptable. No, it's not acceptable. And if it's in your energy field, it's because it's normal for you. It's because you've been through it. On some level, you expect it. On some level, you are still falsely believing that Their behavior has something to do with you and it doesn't, never has, never will horseshit. So again, blame, threat, attack, any of this is in your relationship, get help immediately. And if it's physically dangerous, you have got to separate yourself, you have got to get out. And if you are living with someone going through addiction, and addiction is part of the abusive behaviors and dynamics, I know it can be scary. I love so many people that have had to face addiction or are still facing addiction. And I would think for so long that I needed to be better and different and it would help them fight their demons and fight their battles and heal. We can't do it for other people. So if you've got an addict in your life that is abusive, it's easy to think, oh, it's because of the addiction, I get it. But that doesn't mean you should stick around and take it and be exposed to or worse, exposing your children to these unhealthy dynamics that then your kids are going to think are normal and acceptable. And it's so messed up that we can know this isn't okay and then still choose to live in it day in and day out. It is not easy to leave an abusive dynamic relationship, whatever it is that you've got going on. But what I do want you to hear is it is possible, but you literally have a choice. You can decide today. I am no longer willing to participate on either end. Whether it's me at other people or them coming at me with blame, threat, or attack. I'm just unwilling. The fourth common relationship dynamic sign that abuse is going on is manipulation. And manipulation can also be really subtle. But it looks like I'll love you if I'll love you. When it looks like punishment or shunning or cold shouldering, when you're not showing up in a way the person is wanting you to. It looks like conditional love manipulation is just conditional love manipulation is someone trying to get you to be how they need you to be. And it's also you trying to get other people to be how you need them to be. And it so often can be manipulation, you know, under the guise of, I'm just doing this because I love you and I want what's best for you, and yet it's still manipulation. Right? So if you're uncomfortable because someone is behaving a certain way and you're trying to manipulate them to behave in a way that now you're comfortable, that's actually an abusive dynamic. It's not honoring the person's free will. It's not holding them capable of being able to be honest with you and holding yourself capable of you being able to handle their truth manipulation and creates walls between people. It kills intimacy and it kills people's spirits. The fifth and final sign that I'm going to get into today is, is the sign of self betrayal. You know you're in some sort of an abusive dynamic and relationship when you are betraying yourself in the name of love. What's really important about this is other people. They, I don't care what they do, how threatening, how attacking, how blaming, how manipulative they are, they don't have the power to shut you down, to dumb you down, to dim you down or to put you in your place. That can only happen if you are a willing participant. And my hope is after today's episode, you're going to be unwilling to just fall into old patterns lightly. You are human. We are not going to get it perfect, but we can, with awareness and with courage, keep doing better by ourselves and for ourselves. Knowing that any person that would need us to be how they need us to be, for them to love us versus honoring who we are and wanting us to be our fully expressed, most powerful best selves. Any person that wouldn't want the best for us, want the best of us, want us in our full on power, I'm going to suggest they can take a hike. They're not supportive, loving, honoring or deserving of being close to you or in your inner circle. So what I want us to watch out for and what I want us to stop being willing to engage with one more time, blame, threat, attack, manipulation and self betrayal. And self betrayal can look like, you know, not eating, not sleeping, eating too much, sleeping too much, abusing substances, shutting down, you know, being overly apologetic about things that are absolutely not your fault. Self betrayal is any time you are dishonoring and disrespecting you again under the guise of, and in the name of, of love that isn't honoring or respecting you. There is never a good reason to betray yourself. There is never a good reason to cut yourself down, to talk down to yourself, to tolerate abusive dynamics that are degrading and, you know, not healthy for you, it's never acceptable. And I will tell you right now, when you, even if it's so that you can defend yourself, are engaging in any of these five common signs of abuse, even if you're justifying it because it was done to you, so now you have to fight back, you're pouring more gasoline on the bonfire of abusive relationship dynamics and you are setting a stage stage for you to guaranteed have to experience more of this. So I want you literally to make a decision that you're no longer willing to blame, that you're no longer willing to threaten, that you're no longer willing to attack or manipulate or self betray or ask other people to self betray in the name of love or relationship. And I promise you it is as simple as a decision. That does not mean that it's easy and absolutely yes, likely taking this on. You want great support, a great coach, a great therapist, whoever you're aligned with. But don't feel like you're alone and don't feel like you have to face this alone or heal through any of this alone. And don't beat yourself up if you're listening and going, oh my God, I do engage in these behaviors. I did it for so many years too. For so many years, because it's all I knew. It was the best I had. Not because I wanted to be abusive, but because I didn't understand how to get out of the cycle and how to, you know, actually have abusive, you know, dynamics and cycles. In my past, there were so many years I drank too much. There were so many years that I was actively bulimic. There were so many years where I couldn't even look in mirrors or cameras because of how deeply I hated myself, because I blamed myself for so much of the abuse that I had experienced. And then there were so many years of shame around not standing up for or using my voice to say, no, this isn't okay. I would actually play a game where I thought if I just take will go faster, it will end sooner. If I fight, it makes it worse. There were so many years of having to heal through all of that buried emotional pain because I recognized I had a voice all along and I just didn't use it. If you can relate, however you can relate, please have compassion. Today's episode is about awareness so that we, the cycle breakers, can do the work to generationally heal through patterns that no longer serve us or our family systems, that we refuse, as much as we have anything to do with it, to pass on to our kids. Then we all have the power to be the cycle breaker, the chain breaker. But we get scared about losing love. And I just want you to understand, abuse isn't love. Abuse isn't love. Abuse isn't love. I'll vulnerably share a story. When I first was with Mark, I got a call from my ex husband one day and I'll Never forget sitting on this couch in our little house in upstate New York, and he's screaming at me. And I don't even remember what it was about. Probably child support or something that wasn't getting paid, but I was literally just sitting there holding the phone and listening. And then I hang up the phone and I say, I think he still loves me. This is so sad. And Mark looks at me and he goes, are you kidding, right? Like, this is not love. That. This isn't. He loves you. This is abuse. And this is crazy. And the fact that you're just listening to this is very scary to me. And he just was really powerfully real and honest and a stand for. This isn't love. This isn't okay. What the hell are you doing participating in this horseshit? And I remember just being so shocked and, like, confronted and also extremely grateful because what if that doesn't have to be an acceptable form of love anymore. And from that moment on, it wasn't. And from that moment on, getting screamed at on the phone, I didn't care who it was. Not an option. You behave this way, then you get less of me. Became a boundary that I have enforced ever since. And you can do it, too. But you do have to be brave enough to get willing for any source of love that is toxic or abusive to no longer have permission to be a part of your life. If it's going to be toxic and abusive choices, behaviors that this person is making and or directing at you. And you get to. You have full permission to demand better for yourself and to knowing your kids are watching to demand better for them. All right, second piece of today's show. So how do you detect abuse? Now that we've got some common signs, how do you detect? And this is also really important because most of the time, abusers are people we love with all our hearts. Most of the time, it's not a stranger. It's someone we love. Which is how grooming can happen. Grooming is when abuse slowly, slowly progresses. I just watched Blonde and a great example in the movie Blonde. Very sad, very, you know, much a powerful depiction of the cost of living with abuse and not healing through the emotional pain and trauma of past abuse and how that inevitably guarantees that more abusive relationships are going to continue. But Marilyn Monroe married Joe DiMaggio, and in the beginning, it's lovely. He's wonderful. Then she starts threatening him, scaring him. He's wanting to, you know, tame her, reign her in, whatever you want to call it. And it gets verbally and physically and mentally and emotionally abusive really fast. But to get to the point where she's staying with him as he's hitting her, there was all this grooming time leading up to have her believe that this is what the real Joe is. This is what the real love is. The abuse is an exception, not the rule. But I'm here to tell you, even if the abuse is.0001% of the time, it's the rule, it's not the exception. And it's time for you to lead your life out of any type of willingness to participate in anything that's abusive for you or towards you. And also if you're the one exhibiting abusive behaviors in the name of powerlessness, in the name of trying to fight your demons, there's no room for that either. But usually the abuser is someone you love very much. And often it's built to the point where now this is a dynamic that we engage in. Now this is a norm that we participate in. The three ways to detect abuse that I want to share with you today are. One, it's really obvious when you're in danger and physical harm. It's really obvious that can't continue. You've got to get out. Call your local domestic violence hotline. Call the national Domestic violence hotline. In the description of today's episode. We've got that resource available for you. Call immediately. It won't make things worse. There are. There are resources to help give you temporary housing. There are ways to get restraining orders. You've got to get out and you've got to get help. And again, make sure you've got a really strong coach or therapist that isn't stroking your victim but empowering your greatness. Because it's going to take the version of you owning your power and owning your greatness to get yourself and or your kids out of any type of abusive situation that you find yourself in. So the first way to detect abuse is there's physical harm happening. Don't tolerate it. I'll be honest. In my first marriage, I fought back. I got hit, fought back. I was engaging in the dynamic. I'm not proud of it. I'm not in shame about it. I'm just being honest. The second thing I want us to keep in mind when it comes to detecting abuse is notice if you're shutting down. Notice if you're starting to shut down and give up hope. That's a sign that something's funky, something's messed up and something is ready to heal and transform. And again, back to our first section, common signs. I'm not asking you to blame the quote, unquote abuser for your shutting down and or losing hope. I'm wanting you to take responsibility that you've begun to just resign to this dynamic. You've got the abuser on a pedestal and your personal power is in their hands and you're starting to shut down and you're starting to give up hope. It's on you. The abuse isn't your fault, but how you respond and lead or not yourself out of this cycle is 100% on you. So it's a big red flag if there's danger and physical harm. It's a big red flag if you're shutting down and starting to lose hope. And finally, you know, you can notice if you're threatening or if you're being threatened physically, but also emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, sexually. You know, notice the facts versus the stories that you want to tell yourself about what's going on. Are you literally being threatened or are you just reactivated and fear is taking over? There's a difference. But if you're literally being threatened in any way, that means abuse is happening and that means we've got to put a stop to it immediately. Now, what do we do next? Where do we go from here? Number one, please decide that you are stronger than any abusive dynamic, that you have the power to lead yourself and your life out of a rule, that abuse is just part of it. Whether it's just your past and you're living in spite of your past or what you're facing today, please decide that you are stronger and more powerful than the situation that you are in now or that you've come out of that's still haunting you. And decide, please, that you are not a victim. You are not a victim. You are not a victim. You are a human who has done the best you could. Even if you've been a persecutor, you are doing the best you can with the tools you have. And you don't need to let your abusers win by you playing out abuse cycles. Whether it's you in the victim role or the perp role, you can decide right now you are no longer a victim to your abuse and you are not in any way willing to let your abuse win. The second piece is you've got to get support. You've got to get support. You've got to get support. You've got to get support. You've got to get support. There is no way I would have been able to get out of my Marriage without support. When I told my friends I was going to leave my husband, my first husband, 40 people showed up on my doorstep to help move me and my 2 year old daughter out of my house into a shitty little apartment where we started over and went bankrupt and where I scraped my way back to the top. I had support, I had great coaches, I had therapists, I had mentors. I didn't have to be in it alone. It was very painful to get up off the floor, to get honest about how I was living, to get honest about I needed help, but it would have been way more painful to stay in it. And I refused to have my daughter grow up in the same type of toxic abusive cycles and dynamics day in and day out that I grew up in. And I was mortified to recognize I had recreated my childhood and my first marriage. But I was going to be God damned if once I was aware of it, I wasn't going to change it for us. And I did. So you've got to get support and get out if you're in any form of physical danger, especially, especially. And then finally, please, please, please, you've got to know this, you've got to remember this, you've got to embrace this. Hear my voice. You are the solution, not the problem. You are the solution, not the problem. None of what anyone has ever done was because of you, ever. Even if they're telling you I've had my life threatened by family members. I've been told that I ruined family members lives because I had my voice and my power and I said no, none of it's true. You are the solution, not the problem. Never have been, never will be. Even if you are finding yourself having to face the truth about you being in the abusive role versus the one being abused. You're the solution, not the problem. You've just been responding to your past, your trauma, your history, your own abuse and doing the best you could. But now after this episode, you can do better. And I am available to hire for family intensives and I have done it over and over and over again where I come in and we put the pieces back together and we heal through where the trauma and the abuse started and we create new standards that are healthy for everybody and new ways to cope with fear and triggers versus just falling into the same old abusive dynamics. So if you want help, if you need help, reach out@rebeccasilence.com right away. I am here. You are not alone and or find the support that's most aligned with and for you and for your family. But what I want more than anything is for you to understand your abuses in the past. And it doesn't need to run your life. It doesn't need to be the undercurrent that haunts, the threatens or harms you day in and day out ever again. You can also access for free immediately the trigger trauma release method. @rebeccasilens.com I can personally begin to coach you and take you through a masterclass on how to face the triggers head on so that you don't fall into abuse cycles, to distract yourself and to falsely try to take your power back. The way to take your power back is to heal through the emotional pain and to heal through the emotional wounds and to create new standards and new commitments for who you're going to be, what you're going to accept and what you're willing to tolerate moving forward. And finally, you can also purchase@rebeccasilence.com, the emotional survival kit that is my seven part course you can take on your own, at your own pace to walk you out of survival and into thriving as the best of you. In less than three hours, seven lessons, 20 minutes each, a phenomenal companion workbook and bonuses to give you 13 weeks of implementation and integration support available for you to start right now. It's the best of what I've got. It's how I survived cancer, domestic violence, childhood abuse, multiple rapes, so much trauma. It's how I helped myself and became my own healer. And the way out of abuse is for you to become your own healer, recognizing and owning powerfully and fully that you're the solution and not the problem. It's Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It's a time for us to do our best to raise the bar for how we treat ourselves, how we treat others, and to have full on boundaries that we enforce consistently around what we will and will not accept in relationship dynamics. And I'm telling you, if it doesn't feel loving, it's because it's not. And if it's abuse, it's not love. And it can all change like that. But you're going to have to be brave and courageous and be willing to break up with any part of you that's willing to fall into abuse cycles as a norm. The darkness is real and so is the light. Healing is possible for me, for you, for us. And you. Taking this time to watch this episode, you're already healing yourself. The people that came before you, the people that will come after you. And you are a space of a more healed possibility for every life you touch just by being here. Thank you for being here. Thank you for believing that healing is possible. Thank you for wanting more and better for yourself and for others. I love you so much and I will see you soon. It.