How to Let Go of Excuses and Become the Leader You Are Meant to Be.

When I'm talking about healing, I am talking about getting all the way free, all the way connected to the best of who you really are. I am talking about ease and flow and creativity. When we are healed, we are able to create and design our lives and experience our lives from a healed place. Okay, we're going. Okay. Three, two, one, Go out there. Who has ever doubted themselves? I'm Rebecca Silence. And this is the healing as possible experience. I'm your host and I'm so grateful to be here. What this show is about is it's here to take you on a journey of hope and healing. And when we're talking about healing, I want to give some perspective and context around how we can have a new spin on what healing needs to mean. First and foremost, it is different for all of us. Healing, life, even leadership, they're not cookie cutter, right? And I say it all the time. There's nothing a right way or a wrong way to live your life. There's just what works for you. And the same is true with healing. There's not a right or a wrong way to heal. There's what works for you. And the very same is true when it comes to leadership. There's not a right or a wrong way. There's just what works for you. And in my work, I teach the practice of emotional healing. I am an emotional healing and relationship coach. And when I am talking about healing, healing, I am talking about getting all the way free, all the way connected to the best of who you really are. I'm talking about ease and flow and creativity. When we are healed, we are able to create and design our lives and experience our lives from a healed place. So much of the time, we associate healing with trauma, with wounds, with making things worse, with it not actually being worth it. Because we basically open up Pandora's box and then there's not anywhere to go with everything that's in there. The practice of emotional healing does address pain, past trauma, wounds, but in a way that brings light and life to what's been dimming and stealing and sometimes even ruining our experience of life and how we're living. So I want us first and foremost to think about leadership as access to more healing in a creative, flowing, fun way. And I also want us to think of leadership as access to the part of us that has gifts and talents and purposes. If you are in my circle, if you follow my work, I am going to dare to say that means you are a leader. One of the most confronting moments in my leadership training was with my Very first coach, her name was Carol Reynolds. We were in an event where I had filled an intensive. It was a one day workshop that we called an intensive with around 30 to 40 people. I can't exactly remember the numbers right now. And I asked her what granola bar she wanted, what juice she wanted. I put it together and I was assisting her. And my primary goal was to make sure that she was hydrated, that she was fed, that she had what she needed to be in her gifts and to have high energy and to be taken care of. And I was basically running around like a chicken with my head cut off stick, serving juice and granola bars and what else can I do? And then just going and sitting in the corner and waiting for the next thing I could do for her. And in front of all of these people that I knew that I had personally invited to this event, that I was basically the liaison between, you know, Carol and the event for she stops everything. And all of a sudden I hear rabbaka, silence. You're a leader who's not leading. And at the time, I literally couldn't fathom that she was talking about me. I was a broke single mom. I was bulimic, I was drinking way too much, I was training for marathons with no nutrition in my body, with working three jobs, going bankrupt after a divorce, and basically going through the motions. What I loved about Carol was she was offering a type of coaching and therapy that actually helped people get to the root of their issues and heal. And I thought at the time she was the magic. And then I learned what was really happening was she was actually connecting all of us, all of the people who followed and learned from her and coached with her and were facilitated by her. What was really happening was she was connecting us to our own gifts and our own magic and our own capacity to lead. And I am so grateful that Carol made her mission about training leaders, because she knew, she knew, and I kid you not, Carol has passed. You know, I love her so much. She died of cancer a few years ago. And she would say, we need a vision of love for the planet by 2020. Carol died before pandemic, but she worked with thousands and trained thousands of leaders how to lead through fear and panic before 2020 hit. And back to this day with Carol, I was almost struck like lightning struck by how unwilling I was to see myself as a leader. I had just filled an entire event like it was nothing. I didn't make any money off of that. I was running a school counseling program. I was raising a little girl by myself. And I'm not saying any of this to to brag or be arrogant. I'm saying I was a leader who was already leading, who didn't see herself. I didn't see me or my gifts or what I was capable of. And if this resonates with you even a little, I hope you'll stay tuned for this entire episode because we're going to address what gets in the way of us stepping fully and confidently into our most powerful and authenticity Leadership and what gets in the way? Excuses are what gets in the way. And where do excuses come from? Fear. So we're going to break this down. But again, back to this day I'll never forget. I was wearing a white T shirt. I was wearing cute jeans. And I was trying to blend in to a crowd. And it took me many, many years after this day and moment in time with Carol to realize I am not destined to blend in like I am. I am an outlier. I am an exception. And what I mean by that is I've got abilities, gifts, talents, skills and passions that I want to pursue to make my life extraordinary for me. And so that I can touch as many lives as possible with possibilities so that they can experience possibility in whatever ways, honor and respect and serve them. Not my way, their way. Right? But for a long time, I would never be able to say what I'm saying to you now. Like, I am meant to be the exception, not the rule. I am meant to stand out, not to blend in. Right. Because it is so rare for people to know how to access possibility, hope, healing, joy and love in the face of situations outside of ourselves that aren't going well or aren't what we think should be happening or what we deserve. Right? We can all be great and extraordinary and our best versions of ourselves when life is going our way. But who are we as people and as leaders when life isn't going our way? Right? That's what we're talking about in this moment where Carol's looking at me like, what are you doing, girl? Like, you are not meant to just be serving me and then trying to blend into the crowd. You actually should be running your own events, not just filling them for me, but doing your own. She was my first trainer in group facilitation and how to coach beyond my therapy background and master's in counseling skill set that I had learned in music therapy background. I'm a nationally board certified music therapist. So I had had years and years and years working with human behavior already and actually very Intense scenarios. I worked at the state psych hospital. I worked in drug and alcohol rehab facilities. I worked with some pretty, you know, quote unquote difficult cases in some pretty intense environments with little resources. But I didn't really know how to unapologetically and powerfully lead in what I believed was possible for humanity. And I'll never forget that day with Carol. I'm so grateful that she called me out. It wasn't fun for that to be, you know, public. Some of my early training was pretty harsh, but it woke me up. And while I don't know train that way and I don't, I don't have coaches that mentor me harshly anymore, nor will I ever again. I definitely benefited from all of the training that I had. And it was just the wake up call I needed in that moment to recognize I was playing a part of being less than who I was. It wasn't about who could I become because I was already her. And I want you to hear me talking to you, absolutely straight talk here. It's not about you becoming more of a leader or becoming a version of yourself that you're not already. It's about you taking on your leadership so you can rise into being who you already are, are in. This conversation is a conversation that is had around the world every second of every day, right? People are talking about leadership, people are talking about teams, people are talking about making a difference. But how often are those conversations leaving people just feeling flat and uninspired and unclear about what steps to take next, where to go next, what do I do with this? Right? It's not rocket science. It's not. It's so funny. By the way, using that term, rocket science, I actually have a rocket scientist close friend. Now, I'd never known a rocket scientist before, but man is she something and man is rocket science something. That is incredible. And I'm saying this because, you know, leadership, your way isn't rocket science, but it's miraculous and it's magnificent. And it could feel like rocket science to people that want what you have but just don't know how to live, how you know how to live. And then the thing is, if you're not living what you know is possible, that's the first excuse you're making when it comes to your most profound leadership. You've got to live it. And you can. So when it comes to dreams, if you can imagine it, if you can flirt with it, if you can fantasize it, especially if you can see it, you have everything you need. You already have everything you need in you, within you to actualize, to create that experience of your dream. Getting born and coming alive and serving the world. When it comes to your ideas about how life could be for people, about what's possible, if only. My challenge to you today as a leader is stop making the excuse that what you see as possible needs to be led by somebody else. And then you can. When I first opened my private practice in Utica, New York, and got on the radio there, I had a dream of bringing the community together, of bringing women to a place where they weren't afraid to use their voices, where they weren't afraid of their power. I wanted community, especially for women at that time. And then I realized it's up to me then, like, if this is something I want to see. I have the vision, I have the dream, which means I must, in fact, have the skills and the capacity and the capability to bring this dream to life. That doesn't mean you have to do it alone. I have so much support around me. I used to say I had an army of support, but that terminology, I believe, actually was leading me to experience more and more chaos and almost like fighting battles unnecessarily. So now I just say I have a beautiful team of support, and my team spans the globe. I literally have a team that spans the globe that is very, very close to me, that helps me bring the healing as possible mission and movement to you every single day. There's no fight. There doesn't have to be a fight. There doesn't have to be a war. There just needs to be you living what you want to see for humanity. Even when you feel lonely, even when you feel like a freak show, even when you feel like, who cares? Nobody gives a shit about what I see because nobody else is doing it. Those are the moments where we need your leadership more than ever. I don't see anybody talking about emotions. When it comes to mental health. I don't see people talking enough about emotional health. Our country is in crisis. The United States of America is absolutely in crisis. We have people who are emotionally unwell, toxic, stuck in trauma, and waiting to lead until circumstances get better, or until they feel safe enough, or until whatever the excuse is, fill in the blank. And I'm not saying that any, any person out there is doing anything wrong. I said at the very beginning of today's show, there's no right way or wrong way to live. There's just what works for you. The problem is we have millions upon millions upon millions in this country. Billions across the globe. Living in a way that isn't right for them, that isn't working for them, that isn't having them wake up every day with joy and gratitude and excitement or going to bed at night feeling fulfilled and free and knowing who the hell they are. It's a problem. It really is. And I think what we can all do to start to change this norm that has people living and stress and suffering and waiting to lead and feeling like shit about themselves because on some level they know more is available to them and more is required of them than what they're doing and how they're living. Here's the solution. We start to address what fears are in the way. Any excuse we have. It's not our fault. It's something we learned. Excuses are coping skills. Every choice is a coping skill. Every single choice is a coping skill. The question is, are we coping in a way that keeps us powerless and dims our light and dims our voice and dims our greatness? Or are we coping in a way that keeps that fire burning and that light bright and the power in us having the volume turned off all the way up. I want the volume of your personal power and capacity to lead your life your way turned all the way up. And I want you to understand that there is nothing and there is no one that has the power to hold you back ever again if you decide that is true. I was blessed to have coaches and mentors that really saw that I had gifts and a voice and a skill set that allowed people to connect back to themselves and each other. And I better do my, you know, due diligence to get all of my ego and fear and excuses dealt with so I could go have a blast being who I am. Right again. It's not about you needing to become a new you. When we talk about new versions of ourselves, the way I see it is we let go of more and more of our survival personality and we embrace more and more of who our. Our soul is and our essence and our true beingness gets to start to radiate out. The world can't feel you through your fear. Let me say it again. The world can't feel you, the best of you, the greatness in you, the leader you are through your fear. So we've got to do something about the fear that's blocking your power and your ability to lead your way and your message in. In a way that you can know you did it. You were the person who fully showed up to your life in the face of anything, who fully Gave all had heart. Open your gifts. Heather Steele, another one of my coaches, always taught me our gifts aren't ours. They are meant to be given away. And I love that. I love that. I give it to myself every day almost. You know, the way I think about it now is like, so what I mean, I am blessed beyond measure. I am blessed beyond words and comprehension. My life is. Is my absolute dream come true. And my gifts helped me design this life that for so long is a very abused child with no self worth who then stayed very emotionally toxic and unwell for many, many, many, many, many, many decades. I left my survival personality to go play and to be finished so that Rebecca can live and play and experience life the way I want to. I kid you not, there is not a moment where I'm not doing what I want. I do what I want. And that's not like me seeking something to fill a void and rescue myself. I'm not doing what I want to cope with my pain. I'm doing what I want because I can. It's a different energy. Do you hear the difference? Right. So what I want to ask you now is to take out a journal and pen. Whether it's now or later, I want you to ask yourself this question. What is fear trying to protect me from? What is fear trying to protect me from? And again, I'm wanting us to be really light about this. I'm not wanting you to go into guilt and shame or beating yourself up that won't actually have you produce any more value for the world. Right? That's just going to keep you spinning your wheels and feeling terrible and giving you permission to not rise up as the leader you really are. Right? This is just us observing and being curious and finally allowing that tipping point to happen. Right? Like, what if you're actually at a tipping point where everything you need to be freely leading as the version of you that you know you really are with the message and the mission that is near and dear to your heart. What if you are so close, and I am not suggesting that if you are watching, you are not already leading and making a difference. I am wanting us to look at how do we get out of our own way even more. I had a lot of work to do around my identity, my survival identity that was desperate for approval, that was desperate to be seen and heard and understood and even for a time desperate to be followed. The fear in me that needed to know that there was proof that there was evidence that there was permission to be all of who I really am. It wasn't going to actually have me being all of who I really am. Right. So the next question after what is fear trying to protect you from? Is just what are your top three excuses? Some examples, you know, that, that I have faced and dealt with over the years. And let's not pretend like leadership isn't vulnerable. And let's also not pretend like vulnerability is bad thing, okay? I think vulnerability, especially when it comes to leadership, is the number one most important. Attract quality vulnerability. All it means is you're honest. Vulnerability equates to your telling the truth. Vulnerability says, here's who I am, here's what I need, here's how I feel, here's what I want. Vulnerability risks people not resonating with you. What vulnerability will never do is leave you lonely and alone. And we hold back our troops, which is holding back our leadership. And sometimes that's because we don't want to be judged, we don't want to be misunderstood. So then we just don't talk, which guarantees that we're misunderstood. Right? Do you see how this works? So an excuse I made for a long time was I didn't want to be abandoned, I didn't want to be rejected, and I didn't want to be misunderstood. So I had to, like, hedge my bets. But then Rebecca is just as a soul dying inside, dying to come out, dying to actually be living. Other excuses that I have lived and proved right. And this is the other thing, our excuses, we inevitably prove right, whether whether we're meaning to or not. We only can create evidence to support what we believe to be true. And our excuses are there because they're more valuable than any alternative in the moment, right? So I would make excuses like I wasn't ready. I happen to be a kinesthetic learner. That means I have to be doing the thing, failing in front of everybody to figure it out, right? To figure out my way, my truth, my words, my methods, my strategies, my just tried and true emotional healing practices. I did a lot of publicly getting wrong before I got it right. For me, failing in moments publicly, before I got to the point where nobody could take away from me what I knew my message was, what I knew my truth was, what I knew my skills are and what I knew my destiny is to be the world's leading emotional healing coach. It's my destiny. And as long as I wasn't believing I was, was, you know, someone who wasn't ready yet or fearing failing or even fearing success or feeling judgment or fearing being abandoned, and I have been Left in terms of people have gone away that you could knock me over with a feather that I thought would be with me for this entire lifetime, that I believe have actually been with me for multiple lifetimes. And when we're afraid to be vulnerable in our truths because we don't want to be abandoned, we're basically blocking the door because we're trying to keep people close to us, maintaining a manipulative illusion of what we hope is true instead of risking all the truth, coming out to see what happens and making room for the people that are meant to be close to us. Right? So I've had relationships evolve, change, go away. It's okay if I'm on a different path, if they're on a different path. The only thing that happens when we truly and vulnerably get honest and lead as the most honest version of ourselves, the only thing that happens is we get to see the truth about who's still on our path and who's not. Where we're living in alignment and where we're not. And it's so okay if people have different paths. And when a relationship changes, it doesn't have to be a big breakdown, it doesn't have to be a war. It can be in an end, in love. And what I will say is I am very proud that I've never had a relationship end where, at least on my side of it, I wasn't loving or loving them or still caring about them. I can wish them well on their journey that may not be the same path as mine. From a place of an open heart and love, while I more than ever have an open heart and love for myself and respect for my ability to live in my truth and I continue on my path. So what are your excuses? What is your flavor of fear that stops you in your tracks or holds you hostage or keeps you up at night? What are your top three excuses you already know or are starting to play with what's fear trying to protect you from now? What are your top three excuses that prevent you from being the most authentic and fully aligned version of you in your most powerful leadership? I want us all to consider that there's nothing bigger, there's nothing more powerful than your ability to commit to your own truth and live your own truth? We've seen so many powerful leaders do it. We've seen Nelson Mandela, we've seen Martin Luther King, we've seen even Marianne Williamson, a personal growth gorgeous leader who has been in politics. We've seen leaders risk it to actually go for it. And the only thing required is moving through all the fears that we have. The false illusion have the power to stop us in our tracks. They don't. You can outwit, outsmart, outlast any fear. I'm not saying it's easy. It is simple. Right now, as many of you know, my book Coming Back to Life, it's on pre sale. You can go to rebeccasilence.com order it from any place that you buy books Coming Back to Life. Right now, that book has already gone to print. The audiobook was just recorded. It is about to get into your hands. The publishing date is October 11th. It's four years in the making. I have wanted to quit so many times. I on the last round of editing, when I got 5500 some on copy edits from the copywriter to review and correct and address earlier this year, I thought maybe I should start over. Maybe this is terrible. And then I went through all the copy edits and then I took a break and then I came back and I, with all of the copy edits corrected, read the whole thing again. And then I got to see what I felt like was missing and I started to fill in the gaps. Then I had to read the book three more times. Going through proofreading and every time I have touched a word or a page or a chapter of this book, I have felt like my heart is almost out of my body in my hands. I am holding it out and hoping with all my might that it makes the difference. And then what I finally realized is it made a difference to me. This is my story of coming back to life through cancer, through abuse, through trauma, through domestic violence, through moments in time that at one point in my life, these moments in time were literally robbing me of the future and of becoming the leader that I am. Because I was holding back because of a moment in time that hurt. And I didn't want the hurt to happen again. Can you relate? The thing is, if we're avoiding, if we're hesitating, if we're dumbing it down, dimming our light because we don't want to deal with the vulnerability or the hurt or the shame or the wounds or whatever it is that's going to come up when we really go for it, we're the ones robbing ourselves of our life. It's not the moment that robbed us. It's our unwillingness to be the person that heals through the wounds that that moment brought up so that they never have to hunt us again. And that's possible. It's possible for the events, the traumas, the hurts, the heartbreaks, to no longer have the power to threaten or impact or influence your life or to prevent us, the world, from experiencing your light, from experiencing your leadership. We need you more than. Than ever. So the final question I'd like for you to write about is just what is your mission? What is your message, your mission, your destiny, your legacy? What do you want to create for yourself? Because that's where we start. What do you want to create for yourself in this one precious lifetime that you're in right now? What do you want to create? And then you've got to be the person that lives that way, that leads that way, even if no one else is, or even if people tell you you're wrong. I had mentors say to me, you're not a writer. I've had so many much come at me that if I only was listening through my filter of fear, and that's really important. People really do say things and do things, or they don't say or they don't do what we wish they would. But let's also get really responsible for how we hear and experience life is through a filter of pain and fear and our past and our wounds and our unhealed trauma so much of the time. And then we think it's a fact. So what we hear, maybe it really happened that way. But how you interpret it, you're responsible for that. And often we're hearing through a filter. I don't know how many hundreds of conversations probably thousands I've had with my husband, where he's like, that's not what I said. And I'll say it back to him. And this is a great communication strategy, by the way. Wait, I just heard this. What did you mean by that? Is that what you said? And either they're going to be like, yeah, or they're going to be like, wait a minute, wait a minute. That's not what I meant. Yes, that's what I said, but that's not what I meant. Or they're going to say it again, and you can hear exactly what they're saying. Right? So the real secret, I think, to powerful, inspired, empowered, healed leadership is to 100% take full responsibility for yourself, for your actions, for your choices, and for how you're living and being and for how aligned your actions are with your intentions. Right? So nobody has the power to make me or break me. Nobody has the power to stop me or to prevent my message, my leadership, my life from being what it could be. No one has that power. And I hope this is resonating and I hope you're hearing me loud and clear. You have the power and you're responsible. So any leader that's blaming other people or defending their victim's story because of something someone else did, they've just still got fear going on that is masking their greatest light and their greatest message and their greatest ability to impact other people in the best type of way. Right. It doesn't mean they're wrong or bad. It's just. It happens a lot. We defend our fears. We blame it on this person did this, this person did that. Without taking responsibility for the filter. We're experiencing life through, listening through, seeing through, or for the fact that no matter what they did, how I feel, nobody can. As adults. Now, this is very bold, what I'm about to say, but I'm going to say it anyway, because somebody needs to. Once you're an adult and once you have access to and understanding that, you can bring consciousness to any situation and you can choose who you're going to be in any situation once you're there, nobody can violate you, nobody can harm you, nobody can disempower you. It can all become like the Charlie Brown teacher. Right? Right. It can all be as silly as me saying, you're pink with purple stripes and you just being like, no, I'm not. Whatever they're saying, they can't attack your character and they can't know who you really are. You know who you really are, and you live into that and you lead your life your way. And once you do that, the people that resonate with how you're leading, they will be attracted to you. And then they may come and go. That's okay. We don't need everybody to get it, and we certainly don't need the specific people that we want to validate us to get it. And then we can go fly. We've got to get it. And once we do, we attract people who are aligned. I promise. None of this is easy, but it is simple. And I want to hear from you, what are the excuses that you've been making that stifle your leadership, that have you feeling unfulfilled? None of it's bad, none of it's wrong. It's just we don't have to keep living that way. I like to say, if you don't like how you've been living, start again. We can reinvent ourselves as leaders moment to moment to moment to moment. There was a time where I pretty much exclusively worked with women. That isn't the case anymore. I'm pretty much exclusively working with powerful leaders that have big missions and dreams and goals and service work that they want to do in this lifetime. I love working with this audience right now. This is a dream come true. If this message today that your leadership matters and makes a difference and that we need you in your highest and best leadership is resonating, I am inviting you to personally join me. Live with me for three days at the Healing Is Possible retreat coming up in just under a month in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Go to rebeccasilence.com go to healing is Possible weekend and check out the details. But more importantly, if you're even this much called, we have a few spots left. We will sell out. I want you with us. Spend three days integrating what you're beginning to see and understand. It's an experiential weekend of you connecting to the highest and best of you and knowing that you can live as that version of you even in community, even with other people watching, even with fears creeping up, bubbling up very, you know, really seeming more powerful than you in moments. We get through all of that. Three days can change your life. I just need one weekend and your leadership will be so much cleaner and clearer and stronger and your fulfillment and joy and life purpose of being all of who you are, it'll come to life. We've had hundreds and hundreds and hundreds go through my retreats. They always get their goals. Same can be true for you. The darkness is real and so is the light. We need you. If you're called, I would love to share three days with you. This is the last time I'm doing an intimate retreat like this. The book's coming out. We're working on a new show. There are many fun surprises and products. The Emotional Survival Kit course is available. If it doesn't feel right or if you are not available for the three days with me, take the Emotional Survival Kit course. It is only $599. It will knock your socks off. It will blow your mind. It will crack your heart open. It will bring you so much joy in life and light. I promise it is the best I have got and it is what I live every day. And if you are a leader who has your own message, I want to help you cultivate it and turn it into products and turn it into a mission that is making the difference you always imagined it could. I love you so much. Healing is possible for you, for me, for all of us. And the world needs you healed so you can make your biggest difference. I am Rebecca. Silence. This is the Healing as Possible experience brought to you by rebeccasilence.com and my beautiful team. I love you. I can't wait to see you in Santa Fe. Thanks for watching. See you soon.