How to Let Go of Resentment and Harsh Feelings that Keep You Stuck

You can't be a little bit stuck. Either we're stuck or we're not. And I want you to really get honest with me today about how stuck you're feeling in your life in this moment so that we can do something about it. I'm so honored to be here. I'm Rebecca. Silence. Thank you. Host of the Healing is Possible experience. This show is designed to take you on a journey of hope and healing with me every Tuesday at 10am Mountain. And today what we're diving into our resentment and harsh feelings that leave us feeling stuck. I want you to have some compassion for yourself in this moment. If you are noticing any stuck, whether it's emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, sexually, the list could go on. There is a lot we can do about it. And then as always, the work with me as your emotional healing and relationship coach is to make it simple. Not easy, but simple. And what if stuck can be made simple so we can get free fast? That is what we are up to on today's episode. And again, if we are stuck, there is always a real reason why. And underneath it. What I am going to suggest a great place to start is how resentful are you in comparison to how stuck are you? And my suggestion is they are going to be pretty equal answers. So if I am feeling 50% stuck, likely I am 50% resentful as well. So to break it down, stuck is natural and normal when you are needing something to be different. And what if the real only reason to ever be resentful is because we needed something to be different? And here's the good news and maybe it feels like bad news at the same time but I promise you it's not. Nothing needs to be different and nothing gets to be different. Right? It is what it is is a phrase we hear a lot. But I want us to look at that in a new way today, together. It doesn't mean just because it is what it is that you're dest for misery or pain or stuck or upset or even resentment. It just means we can't change it. So we can't change that. But what we can always change is this. You can't change this happened or that happened or this didn't happen or that didn't happen. But you can always change. This game inside the game around how you're feeling about yourself and your life and who you're going to be in the moment you find yourself in is a game you can always play and is a game you can always win at the game around Needing this to be different, whether it's a person, a circumstance, a trauma from age 5, or what your spouse said to you this morning, none of that needs to change for you to get free, which is the opposite of stuck right now, except for your relationship with resentment and your harsh feelings, which is an inside job, which is an internal game. So I'm not saying that underneath the resentment isn't real pain. In fact, there is real pain underneath the resentment. But what I am going to suggest that's maybe a little bit new or maybe just a great reminder for you in this moment is that the person or the situation didn't cause the hurt or the upset. Now you might think, rebecca, do you know what happened? Like, you don't, so how can you say that? This diagnosis just got emailed to me in my inbox. This person just betrayed me. This boss didn't give me the promotion. Whatever it is, I get it happened. And I'm just wanting you to consider, consider that that pain and that hurt and those harsh feelings that are starting to surface in the face of the situation. I want you to consider that if they weren't already buried deep down inside of you, if emotionally you weren't already shutting down or rejecting or burying your emotional pain, this situation wouldn't feel how it's feeling. So the situation happened, it's neutral. That's what I want you to consider playing with with me today. The situation happened and it's neutral. And this is me, cancer survivor, abuse and trauma survivor, domestic violence, marriage survivor, bankruptcy survivor, eating disorder survivor. I could keep going on and on and on like I get that real shit went down and goes down and could be going down right now, you in your life. But what I want you to consider is that it's neutral. It means nothing in how you have to feel and who you are going to choose to be. You get that power in control always, in every moment. You have that ability to decide who you're going to be and how you want to feel in any given moment. So the situations happen and they're neutral. And it can get to a point where you are so emotionally free and clear that these types of things don't set you off or don't level you or don't frustrate you to the point of explosion onto people that are innocent or have nothing to do with what you're going through right now. Ok, it hurts because it hasn't healed yet and the hurt was already there before you. You had the trigger that set your upset, your hurt, your resentment and your harsh feelings into motion, it might feel new. Like this moment I'm feeling this way, and where is it coming from? But what I'm suggesting is it's not new. It's already in you. It needed to heal. It needs to heal, and it needs to come out so that you can thrive in and so that you can be free. So anytime you're stuck, there's a need for something to be different outside of you. I guarantee it. Anytime you're resentful, you're blaming a situation or another person for how you feel in this moment. And any harsh feeling is just Groundhog Day. Meaning, it's just, here we go again. It's already there. It needs to come out. And if we don't use every trigger, every upset, every moment of resentment or stuck, or when you notice that you've got some harsh feelings is an opportunity to heal and grow and transform and get more in the driver's seat over your life. Life's going to be harder. And it doesn't have to be, because the truth is, you've been through enough. I've been through enough. You've been through enough. And I've got some keys that I'm wanting to give you right here, right now, to unlock the part of you that ever feels like life needs to be different again than it was or than it is, or that you're afraid it could be that stress, that worry, it can become paralyzing and it can become toxic, and it doesn't need to weigh on you and your soul so heavily. All this fear and upset and resentment about the way life is or was or could be. I want you to consider that you get to begin the process of just getting curious and observing what's happening out here, what's happening in here, and how do you get to a line, meaning become so clear and grounded and empowered in the face of any of that. And right now, to start, I just want you to consider this as a possibility, like a very real possibility that you can feel and align and get in control over you leading your life your way in the face of absolutely anything. And I get it hurts, and I get it's real. But what I also get is whatever it is does not need to or get to win. You do, you do, and you have everything you need. You don't need more training. You don't need more outside of you to help you do the work internally, to not just survive this time or this moment, but to win in this time and this moment. And all I mean by win is that you get to know that you are somebody that you love, respect, and are proud of, even now, even in the face of whatever it is that you're going through that again. I get it's real, but it's not. It's not real that it has to define you or crush you or hurt you any more than you already think it is. So, number one, what is it? We've got to name the stuck. Okay? What is it that feels stuck? Okay, Is it a belief? Is it a thought? Is it an emotion? Is it a relationship? Where are you stuck right now? And even if it's like 1% stuck, that is impacting you because like I said to start, we can't be just a little. This is stuck. We're stuck or we're not, right? Just like you can't be a little bit pregnant, right? You're pregnant or you're not. So if you're pregnant with stuck, it matters. It matters. And we can start dealing with it even at the whisper level. So where are you stuck and what is your stuck? I would love for you, whether it's now or later, to journal about that. What's the stuck? Where is the stuck? Then what are your harsh feelings around the stuck? And it could be harsh feelings around your opinions about yourself. It could be your harsh feelings around your opinions about other people and what they should have done or need to stop doing. It could be harsh feelings around just the circumstance in general. It could be harsh feelings around what you think you deserve that you're not getting and you're upset around that. But what are the harsh feelings? We've got to get honest about where we are if we are ever going to get somewhere new. And it isn't about getting to a new result outside of you. It is about getting to a new experience inside of you. That is what we are up to today. Getting to a new experience inside versus a different experience outside side. So what's the stuck? What are the harsh feelings? Next, what's the resentment? Have you made a list of your top 5 to 10 resentments ever? If not, I suggest you do. I'm. I'm resentful about not having enough sex. I'm resentful about not being paid my worth. I'm resentful about how my parents, my siblings, my family of origin treat me every time we get together. What is it that you're honestly and genuinely resentful about? We need to get real about that so we can begin the process of taking the charge out of it, meaning the pain out of it. So I'm fresh off of a couples intensive today, meaning I just spent this past weekend, two days with a couple, I believe they've been married 17 years, two kids, and I was quite literally the Hail Mary pass here. The rest of the details don't matter in terms of what they were up against, but what I will tell you is we began this intensive and there was a hopelessness that was palpable. Like I could taste it. There was a absolute belief that there was zero chance that this marriage could be saved. And I was the Hail Mary pass coming in here. What did we find out? Not only could this marriage be saved, and I am happy to report that this couple is more in love than ever before, more connected than ever before, and they have more hope and tools to make their dream of what this marriage could be. That basically there's. If they do what they learned how to do, and if they show up as the versions of themselves that they did with me for two straight days, there is zero reason why this marriage can't only survive, but why it can't thrive and why it can't be the most beautiful and glorious experience that this, this couple ever dreamed could be. And it really can be this, this dream of love the way they imagined it could be. They got to experience and they get to keep experiencing if they will continue to do this inner work I'm talking about today. And there was a lot on both sides. Betrayal, some, some. But what was also there were buried resentments from childhood, harsh feelings and a. Because of the harsh feelings, commitment to withholding love because of what they believed was happening to them. And none of that gets you anywhere but in more hell. Right. So the harsh feelings were real, the resentments were real, the pain was real, the fear was real. The divorce lawyer was already speed dial. But what each person in this marriage did was they got responsible for where they were stuck, where they had harsh feelings and resentments that they brought into the marriage that weren't resolved yet. So in the marriage, it all resurfaced and kept playing out. No divorce was going to end or cure the pain patterns that these people were individually carrying with them that are very heavy and painful. They had to do the work inside of themselves, inside of the marriage, for the marriage to have a new experience. And I hope this is making sense. And I want to, I want to hear from you what resonates here or what questions you have, because what I'm saying, it does go against a lot of what we learn. Right? People are bad to us. Toss them out. You know, something feels bad, bad, don't deal with it. And yes, do not tolerate bullshit. Do not tolerate disrespect. Do not tolerate anything that doesn't honor, love you, or bring you peace. But consider that before you just throw the baby out with the bathwater, whatever that looks like for you, There's a way to get to internal clarity and internal peace and internal calm and internal emotional wellness. Before you make those calls to end something, leave something. Definitely never avoid something, because that'll only bring you more hell. Okay? But it hurts until it heals. And in relationship, and that could be our relationship with ourselves, that could be our relationship with life, or that could be a relationship with a person in front of you. We get to see into the mirror, the spiritual mirror that is always available to us, showing us how healed or not we are emotionally. And that's where this gets really simple and I think really fucking fun, quite honestly, to use life in all of its seasons and all of its flavors, in all of its upsets, stuck and resentment moments, as an opportunity to look deeply into our own souls so that we can get really honest about how healed or not we are in this moment emotionally, because that is what we always have control over. Right? When I was being told I would not survive cancer after getting diagnosed while I was pregnant with my second child and not even getting a chance to experience being a mother to her because I was just fighting for my life, it became very clear to me very quickly that I needed to get emotionally sound. Emotionally. Well, I needed an identity reset. Because all of the ways that I identified as a success, as a woman, as a coach, as a leader, as, you know, an athlete, all these things that I was identifying as, that went away in the blink of an eye, quite literally, because I didn't get to be any of that in this season of a cancer diagnosis. That was very scary. And where I was being told, the odds aren't good. Rebecca, we got to plan your will, Rebecca. And whether you know me or not, whether you've heard this story before, the point isn't me telling my story for you to have an opinion or pity for me. It's so you can connect to your story. Okay, like what? What is still a circumstance that's defining you and preventing you from being a version of you that can't be threatened. That's ultimately the point of today's show, because there isn't one circumstance that's so powerful or profound or terrible that it gets to steal you away from experiencing your life. No Circumstance gets to rob you anymore. No circumstance gets to hold you hostage. No circumstance gets to prevent your emotional wellness and emotional healing. And I truly believe emotional healing is the game changer of all game changers. You can be emotionally sound, emotionally well, emotionally healed and emotionally free in the face of anything. I don't care what it is. I don't care how awful they were. I don't care how sick you are. I don't care how much pain you're in. You get to be free. But you're going to have to be the one to get yourself there. You're going to have to be the one that's brave, that becomes your own healer. And I'm here to guide you, right? I'm the emotional survival guide. But I am not the healer. You are. You are the healer. You are a healer on a level that you can't even comprehend. And I don't want it to have to get more painful, and I don't want it to have to get scarier, and I don't want it to have to get more awful. And then you'll deal with it. I spoke to a woman recently whose marriage is also in crisis. Affairs are happening. Addiction is happening. People are so shut down in this house. The kids are being impacted. But what she said to me is, it's not bad enough yet. I'm so glad to know you're here. It's not bad enough yet. And this idea that emotions and dealing with our emotions make it worse, it's not true. And this idea that it has to get more painful and worse and then you'll deal with it, I think it's insane. I don't think anything is wrong with you. I don't think any part of you is crazy. I think what's insane and crazy is avoiding looking in that mirror so that we can get honest with ourselves and so that we can get true to ourselves. Right? The truth is never that you aren't capable. And the truth is never that the outside factors are the problem. Even though the outside factors are happening, even though we can't change what is really going on in terms of circumstances, what we can change is you getting emotionally free and clear. And that's the place to end relationships. That's the place to make new decisions. That's the place to turn the page and transition. That place of emotional clarity and wellness. That's the place to decide, to decide to change your life or to change something about how you're living or who you're being. Right? It's never the Time to make big decisions from a place of resentment or harsh feelings that are again, just Groundhog Day on repeat. Different costume, different cast characters. But it's really the same energy. You know, in the work I'm doing, it is all about energy. It's all about energy. And is the energy energizing or draining? And when it's draining, you've got emotional healing work to do. So the next big, big piece that I want to talk about today for you, we've already looked at what is our stuck, what's our resentment, what are the harsh feelings we're having next? What do you want to feel instead? Even in the face of what you're going through, It's a great, great, great, great exercise to take yourself through. And you can just meditate on that or you can voice it, or you can write about it, I don't care. But what I care about is that you get clarity on how you want to feel instead. Because when we're only focused on the problem or what we don't want, we absolutely, as cliche as it sounds, get more of what we don't want with this couple. In this most recent couples intensive, there was a lot of passing the problem ball back and forth. Well, here's my problem. I'm giving it to you to do something about it. Well, here's my problem. I'm giving it to you to do something about it. And when that problem ball just gets passed around like hot potato, there's nowhere to go. When we're stuck in resentment and harsh feelings and stuck, there's nowhere to go from there. And there is always movement available to us and that movement gives us the direction to go in. So I'm wanting us to get at least a general idea right of what is the feeling you want to have, or what is the solution, or what is the outcome or how do you want in an ideal scenario to end up even though you are finding yourself where you are finding yourself right here, right now, that is so important, I can't emphasize it enough. And most of the time the reason people aren't focused on the solution it is partially because we haven't been trained to do that. It doesn't even occur to us a lot of the time to do that. But so often we have back burnered our own wants and needs to the point where if we ask ourselves that question, we don't even know. And so a different way to ask the question beyond just what do you want? Because that can get to the point where it's super daunting even overwhelming, if you haven't thought about or known yourself well enough to be able to answer it. A great next question, we can get there eventually. But a question that you could be asking yourself instead of just what do I want here is what would take care of me? What would take care of me now? And I want us to think about being our own advocate in terms of self care. Not when my spouse changes, that will take care of me, or when the bank account changes or whatever it is that you think needs to change outside of you. I'm not saying what takes care of you now is something different out there in the world. I'm saying how can you take care of yourself now in this moment that you find yourself in? That isn't changing until you change how you feel on the inside about you. It's not even changing how you feel about what's going on outside of you. It's about changing how you feel about you in the face of all this. Because that's what feels like shit. How you feel about you. You might have shame or embarrassment, you know, beliefs and feelings about you're not capable, you're not equipped to deal with whatever this is. It's always what's going on in here and how you feel about you. That is where the healing lies. Okay, so what takes care of me now? Some examples for you to chew on. Maybe it's. I need to believe I have what it takes. I need to believe this isn't what you know, this isn't my fault. Their experience, what they're saying, what they're doing, I need to know and remember this isn't because of me or even about me. They are fighting with a ghost. If it wasn't me, it'd be somebody else that they were saying these things to really consider that they are not actually doing anything or saying anything that is personal to you. This is how they are. They are up against a wall. They're in their own trigger, and now they're just helping you heal. Triggers that are being reactivated that haven't healed yet, every single freaking time. And if you can know. All right, what takes care of me is to remember this isn't personal. This is them being consistent, doing what they do. I don't have to engage. What takes care of me now might just be remembering. I don't have to do this dance. I don't have to accept or engage in anything that doesn't honor me, take care of me, nurture me, respect me. But we don't want a power struggle that has you defensive or trying to prove to them that you don't need to deal with this. It's you knowing that one of my favorite one liners that I use all the time and that I teach with my couples work and in my family work is I love you too much to have this fight right now. I love you too much to do this. I don't know what this is, but I'm not going to do it. And I love you. And I'm going to ask for a break. And I'm going to ask for, you know, us to press, pause and revisit when we can have a respectful conversation that ends in a solution that works for both of us. You know, and the thing is, if you haven't led in, we deserve better. Let's reset, let's come back respectful and willing to get to a solution that works for both of us. That's something to try. But if you're all clogged up and gunky emotionally with all these harsh feelings and all these resentments and your fuse is this big and you're in fight flight freeze mode, it doesn't matter what the words actually are in a conversation. There's no healing available there because you're still in a past wound. Next thing I want to remind you of is this hurt. They didn't cause it. They helped you access it so you can heal it. Like, seriously, okay? They helped you access the hurt so you can heal it. Not once they change once you do. I think that's powerful and extraordinarily important to know in the face of our triggers, because our triggers, they're so real and they're so loud and they're so painful that we can forget that we're more powerful, but we always, always, always are. So next, let's talk about forgiveness. Because ultimately that's the answer, right? Is forgiveness. And this word gets thrown around like the word integrity, and it means so many to different people. But I want to break it down for you in three steps for the practice of emotional healing and for your three steps out of resentment and harsh feelings and stuck, okay? So when it comes for forgiveness, with forgiveness, for forgiveness, to forgiveness. When it comes, you know, to this conversation of forgiveness, you've got to get. It's not for them, it's for you. Okay? That is step one, your healing forgiveness, which is a way to do your emotional healing work. It's for you, it's not for them. Right? And I think people avoid doing the work of forgiveness because they don't want to give this person a free pass or they don't want to let go of the stand that they are for. This should not be happening. This is not okay, right? When we think that the forgiveness work is going to somehow let this thing, whether it's a person or a circumstance, off the hook, we'd rather be righteous and keep swimming in our own shit instead of do the work to forgive and heal and get neutral again. But you're not needing to play God, right? You don't. Karma is a bitch. You don't need to prove to anybody how much they're wronging you. They know on some level, and likely they're not proud of their behavior either. But there you are, the mirror helping them access an opportunity to heal too, right? And then whether or not they want to do that, whether or not I really believe this, every breakdown, every upset, every conflict, I really believe a. It does not get need to get to the point of a breakdown for the healing work to begin, okay? It doesn't need to get worse. It doesn't need to get to crisis. Doesn't need to be this whole breakdown to breakthrough process, that's exhausting, right? But if you find yourself there, on whatever level, each upset is an opportunity for people to get closer and more alive and more the adult version of themselves in that moment. Because the other thing about triggers is when you're upset, you are not the adult in that moment. Emotionally, you are emotionally immature and stuck at an age where this hurt originally happened and very much not wanting to feel that again, right? But until emotionally, we grow up the stuck age and grow through the stuck emotion, we just keep experiencing Groundhog Day. Different person, different costume, different character, different surface level of the same stuck energy, right? So step one, you've got to get. It's for you, it's for your healing. It's for you to come more alive, for you to take more control over your life again and for you to take your life back. Forgiveness work, emotional healing work is ultimately all of forgiveness practice. And it's always for you. And the goal here. I love this, and I think Oprah says it. Forgiveness just means you love as much and as fully as you were loving before you got hurt. So step two is open your heart again. We are lovers. It was so beautiful to watch this couple thaw out all the ice around each of their hearts so that they could open their hearts back to each other again and just fall back into each other again. They didn't choose wrong. They didn't have a bad spouse. They didn't have the deck stacked against them so high or so much that they couldn't recover and get even stronger and closer in spite of what they'd been through. They just needed to open their hearts again. You know, my first coach, Carol Reynolds, used to say the worst thing that people can do in relationship is withhold love. And when we're not behaving in a way we're proud of, or when we're shut down or when we're guarded, that's not us loving as much and as hard as we could in a moment. And I think that's why we're stuck and ultimately resentful, because we want so much and so badly to love. We have so much love to give. And if you are in my community or if you are here now watching this, I want to remind you that you have so much love to give. And no upset is worth you guarding and shutting down your capacity to love over, because it will just have you feel terrible. You want to love and it is never. This is so important. It's never love that hurt you, but it's always love that will heal you. Right? So we forgive for ourselves. We open up and get willing to love again. Not putting ourselves out there in a way where, you know, it's dangerous. I'm not saying open up your heart to love and put yourself in the same situation with the same person that. That isn't doing this work or doesn't get what I'm talking about here or what's available here. I'm saying you can be loving again even if they never change, even if the diagnosis doesn't change, even if the circumstance doesn't change. And that doesn't mean loving doesn't mean you take shit. That's not what we're talking about. I'm saying you can be loving towards yourself again and open to love, and you can be loving and honoring even if they're not. It doesn't make you weak and it doesn't mean they win. Right? Love wins every single time. So step three is to take responsibility for your part without blaming yourself. You've got to get, this isn't my fault. And honestly, I see other people as innocent as well. I don't think it's their fault either. I think they're doing the best they can. I was doing the best I can. But this step three part is so important because without it, nothing changes. And I don't want people having the same fight again. I don't want people experiencing the same upsets again. I want us to have the healing so that we can move on. And then yes, there might be another right, healing opportunity or healing needed or you know, moment where you're up against an emotional wall again, fine, but one at a time, heal. Heal the trigger, heal the upset, heal the pattern, heal the belief, heal the resentment, heal the harsh feelings, heal the stuck so that at least that one that's taken care of. So with step three, you're getting self responsible for your part and you're choosing who you're going to be in the face of whatever it is XYZ from this moment forward, right? So you are taking responsibility that you can feel differently. And I'm wanting you to really, really know that this is true and available to you in any, any scenario. What would it be like to be neutral, genuinely, with an open heart even though that abuse isn't going away, it really happened, even though someone else got the job instead of you, even though you just found out your spouse cheated on you, even though you just made a decision that you're ashamed of and not proud of, whatever it is, get back to a place where you remember how whole you are, where you remember that that was your best in a moment and you can do better moving forward. And when you begin to live an everyday practice of using life as a mirror to help you see what hurts, what healings are accessible to you that you maybe didn't even know you needed. My God, are you free? I love you, I adore you. I see you. You've been through enough. Let's move forward. Not letting resentments and harsh feelings win. And what I'll leave you with today is underneath every harsh feeling is a real emotion that needs to be felt. Sometimes the harsh feelings, including resentment, they're protection, right? Because we don't know how to have a healthy relationship with our emotions. And remember, feelings are very different than emotions feelings or how we feel about outside circumstances. So let me say that again. Our feelings are always about what's happening. And when we focus on how we are feeling about what's happening, it prevents us from accessing the emotions we need to feel underneath those feelings to get free, right? So there's a difference between our feelings about circumstance and the emotions we need to feel to get free. Free. The emotions that we need to feel to get free. There's only five in the practice of emotional healing that we make important. Anger, fear, grief, joy, excitement. And when you can have a healthy relationship with any and all of those five emotions. And when you know that anytime you're resentful or having a harsh feeling or stuck. Ultimately, what's underneath all that is an emotion that you need to heal. Nothing can threaten you again. And the way you heal the emotion is you feel it. You feel it in a way that doesn't hurt you, that doesn't hurt anybody else. You just feel it. You don't make it wrong. Healing is not only possible, it's possible for you. And I get the darkness is real, but so is the light. And the world needs you healed so you can make your difference. For more, visit rebeccasilence.com and if you like this, buy the Emotional Survival Kit course. Let me be your emotional survival guide, taking you on the transformational journey of your lifetime where I promise you'll end feeling better and more alive, with more hope than you ever dreamed possible. I love you so much. I'm so grateful that you're here and I will see you soon.