How to Make Your Children Listen: Loving Communication Skills for Parents.

Making our kids listen is not something we have control over. However, there are ways that you can be and there are ways that you can communicate that help your kids be more receptive to what you're saying and also can help them buy in and become in agreement with what you're asking for. Okay, we're going. Okay. Three, two, one. Listening at home with our kids can be a major issue, a major obstacle, and even a major fight. Right? So today we are talking about on the healing is possible experience with me, your host, Rebecca Silence. How do you make your kids listen? You want to stay tuned for this entire episode to hear hacks and tips for you as parents to help with communication and to help with what I call landing it with your kids. The first trick tip hack I've got for you around how to make your kids listen. I hate to burst the bubble, but you can't, right? So if our focus is let's learn how to make our kids listen, making our kids listen is not something we have control over. However, there are ways that you can be and there are ways that you can communicate that help your kids be more receptive to, to what you're saying and also can help them buy in and become, you know, in agreement with what you're asking for. So what on earth do I mean by all of that? Well, first of all, you know, when you are being told what to do, how receptive are you as an adult, as someone with free will and agency and potentially, if you're anything like me, an inner rebel that is not wanting to do anything that we're told or anything that doesn't feel good or right to us. So let's just consider our kids are exactly the same, right? They have an inner rebel. They don't necessarily want to be told what to do, even if what they're being told is for their highest good, their safety, their best interests, their security. The list goes on. If we're approaching our kids with a dictator like perspective, we become like the Charlie Brown teacher. They don't want to listen. They don't want to hear it. Right? So what do you do if there is something really important like, you know, homework, chores, you know, supporting them in healthier and better self care habits because you're noticing them skip meals or keeping themselves up until the wee hours of morning and then trying to get up for school. School and not being prepared or set up to win for the day because they're exhausted. Right. So when the kid is little, when your children are little, itty bitty, you know, Just precious angels that they'll look at you with their big eyes and they'll do whatever you ask. You know, sure, everything feels great about that. And maybe you've never even had that experience, even with a toddler, but if you have even had a moment where you, you ask your kid to do something, you say something and then they do it and all you had to do was say the word and they respond. You know, as your kids get older, I want us to consider, we want more for them than just being someone out into the world that just does whatever they're told and they don't think for themselves. You know, I've got clients that, that have been with me for years, achieving family related dreams, financial health, whatever it is, right? And the thing about dreaming and being the person that is proud of who you have become and who loves your life is you've got to have your own skin in the game. So one of the biggest things I see when I'm coaching families and parents that are kind of at the end of their rope, at their wit's end, whatever you want to call it, right, Is they are feeling like they're talking to a wall over and over again. The kids aren't responsive and it's just a frustrating cycle. If you've been there, I want you to think about if we are operating from the perspective as parents that we want our kids to think for themselves, that we want our kids, whatever choices they make, including the choice to acknowledge, respond to what we're asking of them as the parent, we want them thinking for themselves, we want them checking in with themselves. We want them learning the skill set of I don't do what doesn't feel good or right to me ever. I don't care who it is in front of me. Now. We do want your household to run smoothly. We do want you to feel respected and we want your children to feel respected in everyday conversation and communication and regarding the endless list of all the things that need to get done. But if you're frustrated because you're saying do this, do that, and your kid won't do this, do that, let's just take it deeper and further. And let's begin from a new perspective and paradigm for parents considering that we don't want our kids to just do whatever the world tells them to do. We want our kids thinking for themselves, feeling into their truth, understanding they have free will, agency and choice in every situation. We want our kids empowered, we really, really do to think for themselves. So one of the best ways to change the listening game is to stop trying to get your kids to listen and support your children in thinking for themselves. And from there, they get to experience the natural consequences of whatever choice they make. I'll say that one more time because it's so key. Instead of being in the conversation with yourself and with your kids, why aren't you listening to me? Instead, be in the conversation of you have choice 100% of the time, and then all choices have consequences. So you get to be who you want to be, you get to choose. But every choice has a consequence. I've heard it over and over again in my coaching practice, especially with parents where they're saying, I can't consequence my kids. I don't know how to consequence my kids. It doesn't work. And the thing is, especially if you're in the preteen teenager phase of parenting, dictator like parenting, it's not going to work. It was one of the most challenging seasons of parenting when I recognized, okay, I'm no longer parenting a little one. I'm parenting a young adult with her own mind, with her own ability to think for herself. And she is an artist, rebel, person that doesn't just want to jump when the world or I say jump. Now let's get to the truth from here about. And your household needs to run smoothly. And it is your job to guide and encourage your children to be making choices that are empowering, healthy for them and going to set them up well for their lives and out into the world. So how do you navigate? They have free will, they have agency. They don't need to be someone who doesn't think for themselves and is just trying to, you know, be a chameleon out there in the world and blend in and be who they think they're supposed to be. One of the worst things we can do as parents is try to force our kids to be who. Who we think they need to be. Instead, we need to be thinking about and looking at and in conversation with our kids about, who do you want to be? What do you want for your life? What are you wanting? What's important to you and why is it important to you? We want to help our kids become who they are, not who we need them to be so that we're less stressed. It's a big statement, but it's a real one. And I'm just going to suggest it doesn't have to be either or it doesn't have to be your way so that you're less stressed or your kids way so that they're less stressed. There's a way to communicate and to relate to each other that's built off of mutual respect and also that's built off of you wanting your kids to be who they really are and your kids knowing and understanding who you really are. One of the biggest tragedies, I think, that happen in parenting is, is our kids can often not even know who we are as parents because we're so busy trying to parent them in a way where they're not experiencing us as our best, as fun, as light and easy breezy, as someone that is adventurous with spirit. We can show our true colors to our kids and be their parent. Right. Do your kids know who you are, or do they just know you as someone who's trying to get them to listen, to be who you think they need to be? And I say this with all the love in the world. No judgment whatsoever. I've been there. I've been on the phone with my own coach. My kid's not listening. I'm scared about the choices my kid is making. What on earth do I do? Because nothing I'm doing seems to be working. I have been there. I have been there. I have been there. And here's what I've learned. The more you stay true to you and the more you honor your little human that maybe isn't so little anymore, is a person who deserves just as much respect as you do and has just as much of a fiery, feisty spirit as you do. The sooner we start to gel, right? And that, I think, is the ultimate goal in communication and relationship with our kids. We. We want that experience of we've gelled. We've become, you know, a relationship that works versus just a relationship that's clunking along, right? So you absolutely are the leader of the relationship in terms of the way you're communicating, the way you're responding, the way that you are being with your kids. I say this a lot because it's one of my favorite quotes. The most relaxed person in the room is the most powerful person in the room. So if you're responding to your child in a way where you're charged, you're frustrated, you're running on adrenaline, whatever it might be, because of what they're doing or what they're not doing, what they're saying, what they're not saying, whatever it might be, then you've essentially handed your power over to your child and they kind of gotcha, right? And we don't want you reactively responding to your kid as the parent and Expecting that to go well or for you to be respected. We want you in your power, clear on your intention and then this is critical, clear on what you're asking for, requesting the solutions that you're offering, whatever it might be. And then the ball's in their court. So you don't have to convince your kid of anything. You certainly don't have to be fighting with your child to get to a resolution. That fight energy, it just creates more distance, it just creates more separation and more of a barrier. So I think the most important thing for you to do as a parent is to see your job is helping your child find themselves and that includes around the choices that they make. And then you get to be the eye of the storm. You get to be the clear, calm, cool, collected, grounded force of truth and love and possibility. And then your kid gets to choose from there versus you're the dictator. You're endlessly frustrated. They're not feeling seen, they're not feeling heard. If they're not listening, I want you to consider they're not feeling heard, they're not feeling valued, they're not feeling seen. Therefore they're not going to listen. The other piece of it is they're not seeing the value in whatever you're asking for. And if you haven't Even with my 7 year old, I do my best to explain where I'm coming from, why I'm saying what I'm saying and what is important that I'm seeing in the scenario while also asking her, what are you seeing? What are you thinking? What do you think is important here? Seriously, even with a seven year old, this is game changing. If they're just dictated to, it's no fun and they don't feel valued in the process, right? So if I need, you know, the dog poop cleaned up, the room clean before we're going to go off on whatever adventure of the day we're going to go on. I just say I'm so excited about this plan. You know, a few weeks ago the 7 year old and I did an escape room date day. We went to multiple escape room locations around Denver. It was super fun. It was so super sweet to see the way her little engineer brain works and to see her interacting with strangers that we were paired with in these escape rooms. And in the morning I just let her know, here's the time of our first adventure. We need lunch packed, we need room clean, we need dog poop cleaned up and we need to leave by this time if we're going to make our first escape room. So are you down with you getting your part done? I'm going to do my things over here. We reconvene at this time and then we're going to go have a great day. It's so much different than just do the dog poop, do the room. Why aren't you doing it? Why aren't you listening? Right. We all deserve to be looking forward to our lives. And when it comes to agreements with your kids, listening with your kids, if they don't see the value and if they don't see see what they get to look forward to, if and when they make the choices, come through, follow through, whatever it is, why are they going to want to do what isn't fun, what isn't interesting, what isn't exciting, and that's ok. Right? And we don't want to be training them that life means doing things that aren't fun and doing things that we don't want to do. So let's do our chores. No, that's not what we want to teach them. We want them to learn that the more responsible we are, the more we come through for ourselves and each other, the more we can trust ourselves, the better we can feel about ourselves. We want to teach them that to get to the place where we get the benefit of the fruits of our labor, we actually have to be the person it took to set the stage for that effort to bear fruit. You know, we want them to feel good about living in a clean environment. That's why we want their room clean. We want them to understand what it feels like and what it looks like to be in a clean environment and sacred space in our home. We want them to understand they physically feel better when they eat, better when they drink water, when they get good sleep. Sleep. We don't want it to become just task lists and to dos that make no sense to them, that hold no value. We want them to want to spend some time reading a book, hanging out, quality time with friends without screens because it feels good to be present, not because we're focusing on don't do this, don't do that. And often in our parenting with our kids, when they're tuning us out, when they're engaging with us like we're the Charlie Brown teacher, la la la la. When they're doing that, I can promise you they don't see the value. And often they're not feeling respected or heard either. So in your communication with your kids, whatever it is that you're wanting them to listen to you about, we Want to make sure you're explaining without over explaining. It can be very short, very sweet, very clear, very concise conversations, but it's letting them know, here's what I'm asking, here's why I am asking it, and here's what's in it for you. All right? These are the three keys. Here's what I'm asking for, here's why I'm asking, and here's the value in it for you. Now, from there, I'm open to a conversation. Do you have a different proposal? And let's not just be focused with our kids on handing them the problem or handing them more, you know, evidence that we're disappointed or that they're not listening. Coming through. Whatever it is, that doesn't leave your child feeling valued, validated, seen, honored, respected, right? Instead of, here's my problem, here's what I don't like, here's what you're doing, that doesn't work for me. Give them the solution, make a request. This also is a great strategy in every relationship, including your marriages, your romantic relationships, right? Don't just hand people the problem, hand them the solution, the possibility, the request, with an understanding that there's value in it, right? If we work together on this, if we focus on the solutions and the possibilities, here's the outcome, right? Like we spend our morning getting our ducks in the row for the week ahead. We get to have a Sunday fun day. I want that. Do you want that? And then if your kid is going to take all damn day, then okay, that's how they chose to spend their day. But the Sunday Funday starts once XYZ happens. I really appreciate our teamwork here. I really appreciate you being a part of making this household such a fun, beautiful place for all of us to live. When you come through, we get to play. It's up to you how long it takes for you to come through on what's needed for you to get what you're asking for later. Maybe it's they want the car keys, maybe they're wanting money. Maybe they're not able to drive yet and they're needing rides to friends houses, to parties, to their job, whatever. It is awesome. I am willing to give you all the freedom in the world. I am willing to say yes to everything. And I. You get the yes and you get the freedom. Once these pieces are in place that we've agreed on that set us all up to win, right? And a huge 20 page laundry list of what you need from them, and then you'll deliver and honor privileges and come through with what they're asking for. That won't work. Keep it simple, you know, like five things maybe that are the regular, you know, agreements that are in place. Bottom, basement, baseline expectations and agreements, and I call it agreements because we want your children to buy in. So maybe it's help with pets, dishes, dogs, maybe it's, you know, vacuuming, dusting, cooking dinner one night a week. But sit down with your kids. I want you to be a part of, of our family running smoothly. I want you to learn skills for life after you live under the roof. So I am going to be asking more from you around participation in the household day to day, just so you get a feel for what is required, what is needed, what is next, how it goes. You know, your children, you know when they are leaving the nest, hopefully they know how to cook, they know how to clean, they know how to do their laundry, they have some, some understanding of how to make money, how to save money, how to value and respect money, how to practice self care that doesn't have them running on adrenaline, burning out, exhausted, depleted. Right. So you're, you're getting their buy in, their agreement to participate in the day to day, not because you want to be some evil dictator, because you want them to be able to function well in society. And then I always encourage asking your children, what do they want their contribution to be? What do they think is fair, what do they think is important? What do they want to do? To be a part of the well oiled machine called your family and then revisit the conversation on a monthly or quarterly basis. But the days of just dictating, why aren't you listening? Trying to reinvent the wheel every single morning like you're starting from scratch and it's just Groundhog Day all over again. That feels terrible. Right? So instead of reinventing the wheel every day, I encourage you to have a conversation every Sunday about the week ahead. Here's what's coming up, here's what's needed, here's my part. Here's your part. Are we on the same page? Once all of this happens, here's what we get to do as a family or here's what happens next. Great. Can it be this simple? Yes. Is this easy? No. When you're feeling like your kids aren't listening and are disrespecting you, I want you to calm yourself, take some deep breaths, ask yourself, what is my intention? What is the solution? What is the possibility that I'm striving for? And just calmly Ask your child to sit down with you so you can let them know, hey, I'm not interested in being a dictator. I'm not interested in telling you what to do. I would love to never have this conversation again. What I need from you is for you to hold up your end of our agreements about X, Y or Z. And when you do, freedom, privilege, rides, whatever it is, allowance. Awesome. Totally available to you. If you're not going to come through on what we've agreed to, we either need to renegotiate, we need to change up what we've agreed to, or let's just start over, start fresh and go get it done. And then we can, whatever it might be. But the goal as the parent, is to remember you're guiding them to be who they are, not who you need them to be. You're guiding them to understand and to learn how to function in the world as the best of who they are, not as just some chameleon that doesn't make waves and is good. Your children are good even if they're rebellious. Your children are good even if they're on your last nerve. Your children are trying to figure out how to survive a world that is trying to get them to be who it needs them to be. And don't let your household be part of that epidemic of a world trying to get people to be who it needs them to be. No adult wants to lose themselves. And how many of us have had seasons and moments where we felt like we lost who we were to try to fit in, to try to be good, to try to not rock the boat, whatever it might have been. Your job is to help them be who they are. Your job is to stay calm and loving and very willing to enforce boundaries no matter how your children show up. So the secret is have agreements. We've sat down, we've agreed. These are the five things that you agree to do and when you do, here's the reward. That's where it starts. Once you're there, if it doesn't happen, what are the consequences? That's the conversation about the boundaries. So, for example, with my 17, almost 18 year old who's in South America right now in a gap semester, I couldn't be more proud of her. When she gets back, we're going to have a whole new conversation. She's going to be 18. So if you're going to live here, here's the expectation on my end. Here are the requirements, here are my requests. What do you think? Makes sense. I'm just starting the conversation with some ideas, with a baseline. I'm not saying it has to be my way or the highway. I'm going to present her with, here are my ideas, what are yours? What do you think makes sense? What are your concerns? What do you need to feel good about living here? Here's what I need to feel good about you living here. You want to take my car? Here's what I would need. What do you think is fair? What do you think makes sense? It's got to be a conversation. And again, I do this even with the seven year old. And every week we look to the week ahead so that even the seven year old can be a part of the conversation. Here's what's happening. For example, this week I've got a couple of nights that I'm out with friends, my husband is doing a business trip. We're not just like not communicating with the seven year old whose sister is already in South America about what's going on this week and what to expect. She's in the know what's happening with the family, what are the highlights, what's going on. And then she also is very clear on the expectations around what needs to happen in the mornings, what our bedtime routine is, you know, all these things and she's agreed. And so then if she doesn't, maybe she doesn't get extra books or TV time or the ability to play with the countless friends that she has in our neighborhood that are ringing my doorbell 247 because they want to play with her. Right? The life rewards coming through for ourselves, honoring our truth, honoring who we really are. And your children are going to learn how to stand powerfully in who they really are, in what they think, in what makes sense to them. If we're a space for that under our roof, you can't expect a dictatorship at home. And then they're out there in the world and they're able to think for themselves. So we want our kids to understand that we'll be neutral and they get to think for themselves and we're here to love them no matter what they choose. And then based on what they choose, they'll be rewarded or consequenced. And if you've made an agreement and your children break the agreement, you got to, got to, got to enforce the boundary that was agreed upon and not be afraid of upsetting them or making it worse. It's just really neutral because of this choice. Here's what we're doing now and here's your opportunity to course correct, reinvent with me. But you made the choice. So here's the boundary. If you're not coming home at the agreed upon time, when you're taking my car, you're not taking my car the next time you ask. Period. I get it. You're upset. If you're looking at things on your phone that are harmful, dangerous, not healthy for you, then parental controls will be put in place. If you're just up all night FaceTiming your friends on Snapchat and missing assignments are going on at school, screen time will be limited until missing assignments are cleaned up and addressed. If your room's a disaster and growing mold, no, you're not going to the football game, the party, the whatever, until and unless that's done, up to you, right? It's up to them always. And then you choose and you show up consistently and you love them and they learn. They learn that you'll be consistent and they get to choose. You'll be consistent in your love, in enforcing agreements and boundaries, and they get to choose. It's a new, different angle and hopefully a paradigm that's empowering you today. Your kids get to be their own person. They're not a reflection of you. They get to be a reflection of them and who they are. And you're the perfect parent for this child, this set of children that you're raising, and you can do it different than how you were parented. So often I'm working with parents that are parenting exactly the way they're parented growing up. They don't mean to be. They don't even necessarily realize it. But let's parent how we want to. Let's empower our kids to be who they are and let's operate under a basis of mutual respect, always. And let's hold up our end of agreements and be consistent. That's the other thing. Your kids aren't going to listen if you're inconsistent. And if you break agreements and commitments to them, they'll just tit for tat, toe to toe dance with you. And if you don't come through, why should they? So you stay in common neutral, you staying consistent, and you staying loving no matter what. Those are the three best ways to support your children and to be a space where they would want to listen to you. And don't forget how critical it is to be asking about their lives, their world, their thoughts, their opinions, their ideas, what's important to them every single day. And you might clash around what you value and what you think is important. Don't try to change their mind. Ask them clarifying Questions say I'd love to understand more about this. I can't even comprehend what you're saying. I can't even understand why this would be important. Can you explain it to me? I really want to understand. It's a great way to talk to your kids. And finally what I will leave you with is one of the best things you can do as a parent is to be saying to your kids constantly, over and over and over and over again how much you love them, how important they are to you, how proud you are and that there's nothing that you can't face move through and conquer together. So you're a space that can handle their truth, that can handle their choices, and that can handle being there to love, honor and support them no matter what is happening in their lives. Make sure they know that and don't have listening be a fight that's sending you into a tizzy and a tailspin. Have listening be something you practice. Have listening be a way that you can come closer together because you're listening and you are being a space that is non threatening and loving and honoring them which will invite them to listen more to you. It doesn't have to be a fight. Hopefully this helps. I'd love to know what your biggest takeaways are from this show today. Thanks again for tuning in to the Healing as possible experience. This show is here to take you on a journey of hope and healing and it's been an honor to do this parenting series for for you. I am Rebecca Silence your host, your emotional healing and relationship coach. If your family is in crisis, if your family could use some extra support, reach out@rebeccasilence.com right away for one on one private family intensive and coaching work. I am here for you. I have coached hundreds of families through the dark, back into the light and into profound loving, loving connection even in the face of the seemingly impossible. Your family deserves to thrive. You deserve to feel so joyful about the gift of being a parent and your kids deserve the gift of experiencing you at your most relaxed, calmest, happiest no matter how they show up. That is what is game changing. Thank you for tuning in. So honored to be with you today. Healing is possible for me, for you, for all of us. And I hope to see you again soon. Bye everyone.