It’s Not You; It’s Me: How to Respond?

It's not you, it's me.

This isn't about your worth or your value. This has nothing to do with. If I could have been more or different, we wouldn't be in this place. You can't save the wrong relationship. You just end up prolonging the inevitable.

Mix with a 2.5. The best mix from the 90s to now. It's big popping in the afternoon. It's a mental illness. I'm throwing my pen around. I don't know. I don't know why. It's a mental wellness Wednesday. It's big Papa. It is life coach Rebecca Silence. And the book Coming back to life. And of course, the websites is Rebecca Silence dot com. Rebecca, how are you?

Well, I'm very well. Hello, everyone. So excited to dive in and give you some goodness for your mental wellness and your spiritual wellness. And where are we going today?

Okay, so the stereotypical line when there's a relationship breakup is, it's not you, it's me.

Huh?

All right, so when you are in a situation and that is the reason, quote unquote, for the breakup, how do you respond to that? If you are the one that's been told, it's not you, it's me.

Yeah. So first and foremost, whatever it is, that's them and not you. What I want people to understand, it has nothing to do with your worth or your value or your deservingness or your quote, unquote, good enoughness. If someone is saying no to you in any way, shape, or form, and this is romantically, this is professionally, you know, I think it's so easy to fall into the trap of devaluing yourself because you feel like this person isn't wanting you. It's not about whether or not they want you. There's a. There's a dissonance, like in music, there's a clash. That means that the two of you, for lack of a better way to say it, you're not a match vibrational. Your paths are going in separate ways. So as cliche as it is for me to say, this isn't about your worth or your value. This has nothing to do with. If I could have been more or different, we wouldn't be in this place. You can't save the wrong relationship. You just end up prolonging the inevitable. Right? So what I want us to think about is, this isn't personal. This is information. This is this person doing a favor to you. Because here's what I know for sure. We've been through enough already. Everyone out there Listening, you have been through enough. Have you looked in the mirror and acknowledged I've been through enough? I deserve better from here on out, if not go do that, okay? Because you have been through enough. So when universe, life, whatever we want to call it, is giving us very clear, this is no longer right for you. This is a no for you. Instead of going into this place of grief and despair and maybe even self loathing, go, all right, the door is clear. Because something better and more is coming through. Because I am ready for better or more. It doesn't mean it doesn't sting. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. But it's time to stop forcing the river. It's time to stop thinking, who do I need to be for other people to want me, for other people to approve of me, for the people I care about to not go away and instead to be thinking I'm only available for where my high standards lie. I'm only available for people that are interested in. This has been my favorite word for two years, reciprocity, Giving reciprocity. This is such a beautiful word. I think more than anything, when someone goes away, what we're making room for is a reciprocal. I am met at the level that I show up. I'm attracting people that are willing to give and invest as much into me in this relationship as I am. So often when a relationship falls apart, it's because one person was over functioning, over giving, and the other one was only giving and functioning slightly, right? So If I am 90% carrying this relationship and giving and focused on being the best partner I can be and the other person is only giving 10%, this is not reciprocal. Let's ask for more reciprocity. Let's ask for more equal partnership. Let's ask for people in our lives that care as much about us and the relationship is we care about them in the relationship. So often it's so often it's so imbalanced and we don't even see it because we care and we love and we're showing up how we want to.

What if the.

Rest the process, okay.

So what, so what if that's there and then all of a sudden they feel like they can't or they just don't want to anymore. And that's. And that's what changed. Because that's a lot of what happens too, right?

Absolutely. But here's what's more true than, oh, we had reciprocity and now it's changed. We had a higher level of partnership and a more equal experience of partnership than we've ever had before. But if they're going, if they're not in, it wasn't ever reciprocal and it wasn't ever going to be. So reciprocity doesn't change. It's just in so many cases, this new relationship is so much better than what I had before. It's so much better than what I've ever seen that I didn't see it coming, that it would ever go away or change. But you can take all the pieces that were better than what you've ever had and now just add this key ingredient called reciprocity so that the next person you call in and don't you freak freaking dare let yourself go into I'm never gonna love again. It's not worth it. It hurts too much. Don't you dare. Not on my watch. You have every right. So if you really want that, I'm not gonna stop you.

But let me tell you, no one's ever gonna hurt me again, right?

All by myself, like, no, we're not doing that. Okay. Unless you want to. But I highly encourage you to consider that you have come to a point in your life where good enough is just no longer good enough. And you get to keep your standards higher. I love this line. I don't know where it comes from, but I've heard Jamie Kern Lima, the founder of IT Cosmetics, say it. Your problem isn't that you've asked for too much. It's that you haven't asked for enough. And in so many cases, when we get to a point in relationship where we think, wow, this is everything I wanted. This is better than anything I've ever had. And now we. We don't want that to change. If it changes, guess what? Even more is better. I think about, you know, I moved for, for those of you that are meeting me for the first time or don't know this story, I went from a domestic violence marriage to a year later moving from Denver, Colorado with my then 4 year old to Las Vegas, Nevada with a new guy, a new relationship. And I had met him in a seminar. So I thought, oh my God, I figured this out. He's a personal growth guy. He cares so much about being his best and about healing. I moved to Vegas with this person thinking, this is everything I ever wanted. This is so much better. Comparing that relationship to what I have with my current marriage, he was like 1% of what I have, 100% with my husband now. I thought, this is amazing on every level. This is so much better. Light years better. Than anything I've ever had before. Well, let me just tell you, the universe did me a favor weeding that person out of the garden called my sacred life and making room for my husband now. So what I don't want is you to make this about your worth or your value. What I don't want is for you to shut down and guard your heart. What I do want is for you to raise your standards even more. Welcome in reciprocity. 50. 50. No more codependent. I'm 100, you're 0. And we take turns. Or 90, 10, or even 80, 20, 60, 40. Have someone that meets your standards. Really not your fear that you don't deserve exactly what you want. So you'll settle for good enough. No more good enough. Keep putting your heart out there. Keep being very, very specific. Write about it. What are you looking for? I tell this story all the time. In between Mr. Las Vegas and Mark, my husband now, I made an 11 page list front and back of what I was looking for. 11 pages. And guess what? On date three, I busted that list out. Essentially 22 pages. I read the whole thing to Mark and he goes, yeah, you want to see my list? I thought for sure I was going to scare him off. I thought for sure he was not going to be able to handle me. He literally had a list. It was a half a page. It wasn't 11 pages but in his wallet. And he pulled it out. Date I about fell out of the booth. We were at Zeb's. I'll never forget it. Burgers, Zeb's. Here's our lists. Don't you dare give up. You haven't come this far to come this far. If the person is going away, here's the truth. They were always going to find a reason to so good to gather that information now. Not prolong the inevitable. Let them go with love. They were not meant to for the long term. They were there for a season likely to get you even more clear about what you want long term. And if you could have all of that that was so good. You can have all of that and so much more.

The name of the book is Coming Back to Life. It's available wherever you get your books. Life coach Rebecca Silence on a mental wellness Wednesday to learn more. And there's all kinds of content, just hit up rebeccasilence.com always a pleasure. Thank you so much.

Yes. And there's a free trigger trauma release method masterclass on my website to take you through any heartbreak that is keeping you from pursuing love. Go through it. It's free. It's ready for you the second you press play. Love you all. Thank you so much.