Keeping the Pressure off During the Holidays

The stress is always higher and around the holidays it just, it is what it is and a lot of it comes with pressure.

Yeah.

And also family.

What is it that you're feeling obligated to or feeling like you should be doing that feels like pressure? Because I guarantee that when you are being true to you, there's no pressure. When you're feeling like you have to be a certain way, the pressure can become uneasiness unbearable if we don't catch it and shift it.

Mix with a 2.5. The best mix from the 90s to now. Big Papa in the afternoon. It is a mental wellness Wednesday. Welcoming back life coach and, and let's see here. Entrepreneur, published author, changing of lives everywhere and anywhere she goes. Literally is amazing to everyone that she touches spiritually with her words and, and, and also physically. She is the amazing Rebecca. Silence. How are you?

Oh, well, I'm touched. Thank you for that greeting. I am so excited that it is December and I am really eager to hear what we're talking about today.

Well, with this being December and listen everyone, the stress is always higher and around the holidays it just, it is what it is and a lot of it comes with pressure.

Yeah.

And also family. So I'm going to, I'm going to leave it up to you, you know, what angle you want to take on this because the, the, the holidays are the happiest time of the year but they can also be the most stressful. And those are the two things like finances and, and family. So maybe, maybe we hit family first.

Well, let's do this. Let's start just with this idea of pressure because I'm going to call myself out. You and I used to have a show, Confession Tuesday. It's confession time. I'm going to confess something. I just got back from a trip to Ecuador. My 18 year old had been away for three months. I spent a week with her once her gap semester was done and we just got home and on the flight back from Ecuador, I literally started to feel an amount of pressure that knocked the wind out of me and I was trying to catch my breath, breath. And you know, it is real that this is the time of year when pressure hits and I'm not immune. And what I did with myself in this moment was I was asking myself what is the pressure I'm feeling and what it was for me And I want everyone listening that is experiencing any form of pressure. Anything from subtle to like full blown alarm bells are going off and you can't even breathe. The pressure feels so immense. What is it that you're feeling obligated to or feeling like you should be doing that feels like pressure? Because I guarantee that when you are being true to you, there's no pressure. When you're feeling like you have to be a certain way, the pressure can become unbearable if we don't catch it and shift it. So you get to decide right here, right now to face whatever it feels like you should be doing that's feeling like pressure. And from there you get to decide to let go of anything that feels like an obligation or a toleration or like pressure for you. If it feels like pressure, what if you just decide it's going to be a no for you this year? If it's pressure, it's a no. Until and unless it doesn't feel like pressure and it just feels like the next correct right choice for you, it's a yes. I want us to all consider we have those options available.

I want to ask about because pressure, a lot of things that we're talking about, aren't they self induced? Like a lot of this pressure and, and things that we're feeling, aren't they almost like you think that people have an expectation or whatnot and the pressure isn't necessarily of something else, but maybe what you think they think.

Yes and no, right? I mean, I'm so glad you asked this question, right, because we all wrestle with this. Is this my fault? Did I do something wrong? Am I creating unnecessary suffering on my own? This is all me. Well, yes, but let's take the pressure off of that. It's also other people's voices in your head that you don't know how to turn the volume down on. It's not you worrying about not being able to buy the most expensive presents, it's somebody told you if you don't buy the most expensive presents, you don't care enough, you're not loving your family members enough, something's wrong with you. It's.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I've never heard of anyone saying that to someone else. I know that that's the pressure, but no one has physically said if you don't get this for so and so, you don't love them enough. So that's like an interpreted. Like where does that come from? I've never heard anybody say you don't love me enough to give me that gift.

Right, but the messaging was modeled to you. So this is literal and metaphorical what I'm saying. We learn what the right thing to do is, especially over the holiday season in the month of December, from our family members, the am of money we should be able to spend, the way we should show up. So when I'm saying it's other people's voices in your head, it's not necessarily that they said it to you directly, but you watched them play out this way of being that was right. So you get to decide what's right for you moving forward. And you get to notice the thoughts in your mind. And you get to ask, is this true for me or is this just a lesson I learned? Messaging that was passed on to me that I don't discover subscribe to anymore. And the way you eliminate the pressure when it comes to family, when it comes to finances, when it comes to health and wellness. I mean, just think about all the pressure people feel about holiday eating. It goes so far and wide, right? So many different ways the pressure shows up. But you get to decide what you subscribe to and what messages you learned. Traditions that you learned that feel good and enhance your life. And the ones that feel like pressure, that means they don't enhance your life. And you can click unsubscribe any time and decide how you want to show up. So, number one most important assignment I think I can give everyone today. Take out a piece of paper and a pen. What are your finances? What's real, what feels good, what's your budget? Give yourself a number and decide that you're sticking to it. And make sure it's not the number you think you should be spending, but it's the number that feels right that you have available. That will not create more pressure, it will actually create less. Who are the family members and friends that you want to see? Write their names down. If somebody's name doesn't make the list, you don't have to take the time or spend the energy making FaceTime happen with them. Have this be your holiday season. Yes, you're a gift everywhere you go. Yes, people are going to want to see you. And it doesn't mean you don't care about people if you don't see them this holiday season. Just make it your choice and the pressure will start to subside and you can have the holidays be whatever you want, regardless of what you've seen or been told is what you should do. This can be your year of a pressure free holiday season.

Okay, following that up. And I love everything that you just said and I guarantee that there are people listening or watching right now that want that, that that you're talking about. Don't Want that whole thing, but they don't know how to communicate that to the people that they're not going to see. Yeah, you know, say, you know, say you always go to uncle so and so's house for such and such and you just don't want to go. You know, is it, you know, hey, I'm not coming this year, is it, no, we're not coming. You know, like how do you, how do you do that? Because a lot of people want what you just talked about, but something but may be afraid to pull the trigger on actually saying it and doing it.

Oh my God, I'm so glad you asked for this follow up. So here's my hack. When it comes to communication. Every time you say no end with what the yes would be. So if Uncle Harry's house on Christmas Eve has been happening for 20 years in this year, that's just not what you want to do. You can call up Uncle Harry and say, hey, this year on Christmas Eve, I'm not available, but I'd love to set up lunch with you mid January. Do you have availability for that? Right, so every time I say no, this is relationship hack that will change your life life. Every time I say no, I also say what the yeses if something and I don't need this is really important to, to be too busy or for there to be some drama that justifies why I can't go. I can just say, you know, I'm not available for X, but here's what would work for me, would that work for you? And then I can go back and forth until we land on something that works for both of us. But again, if you say yes to what feels like an obligation, you will feel resentful, it will drain you, and it already means there's a wedge between you and this person because you're agreeing to something that's actually a no for you. So when we agree to things that are a no, it confuses people. It trains them to either not take us seriously or to expect that we're always going to prioritize them over ourselves. Do not prioritize anyone or anything over you. Say no to what's truly a no and then feel free to offer what the yes would be. That's how you maintain relationships. That's how you build a way more solid foundation in your relationships that's built on truth, honor and respect.

So I'm not going to be able to make Christmas Eve this year. However, I definitely want to see you. So let's, you know, let's plan for lunch on, you know, such and such a week. You know what day works like. So that way it's not, you know, they're you're giving a no, but it's a not because I don't like you. Because, you know, you're making a counteroffer to see them.

Absolutely. You're making the effort to see them in a way that actually works for you. That's always a possibility. So say no to what's a no, but end it with what the yes would be and watch your relationships get way more relaxed, have way less pressure and way more connection.

It is life coach Rebecca Silence on a mental Wellness Wednesday. RebeccaSilence.com is a wealth of information if you are looking to give an amazing gift. An amazing stocking stuffer is the book Coming Back to Life? It's available now wherever you get your books. It was just happened to be written by Rebecca Silence as well. Rebecca, thank you so much. Great stuff as always and we'll talk to you next week.

Love you all so much.