Keeping the Spark Alive Doesn’t Have to Be a Chore—Here’s How to Make It Exhilarating!

Mix photo 2.5 the best mix from the 90s to now. It is a mental wellness Wednesday as we're live and local with life coach the unsilent woman, Rebecca. Silence. You can go to the unsilentwoman.com also rebeccasilence.com as well. Rebecca, good morning. How are you?

Hello. I love you all. And it's love week and I'm very excited to be here.

Yeah, it's Val, it's Valentine's week and what I wanted to talk to you about and what spurred me onto this is something that you had posted on your social earlier this week and it was something that you and your husband are now doing on Mondays to kind of help keep the relationship fresh. So number one, I'd love to hear you talk about that. But just in general, a lot of times when people get into a long term relationship, it's very easy to fall into patterns and ruts, take the other one for granted. Not on purpose, it just kind of happens. But you also kind of lose the spark in the relationship. So with Valentine's in the horizon, let's talk about keeping the spark in relationships and keeping things fresh.

Love.

Love.

And I love that you're asking this because I don't ever know what he's going to throw at. Like he throws the ball and then I'm going to hit it. Like that's how we do all these years. So I think the most important thing I want people to understand is that the way you experience love has everything to do with how much you trust love and what you believe it's ultimately going to feel like. What I mean by that is you won't let yourself receive more love than you allowed yourself to believe was possible growing up. So what I am saying is you won't let yourself be loved more than you felt like you were loved growing up until you do some real healing. And my definition of trauma is heartbreak and no one's freaking immune. So you're asking me about keeping the spark alive. You can't keep the spark alive when you don't trust love and so many of you don't trust it. And associate love with more heartbreak and associate love with more disappointment and associate love with hurt. And the deal is hurt. Isn't love hurt? People hurt you? Love didn't hurt you. So what I've built with Mark is beyond my wildest dreams come true. And I'm just going to gut myself here for all of you, because why not? I grew up with love being a very painful experience. Growing up in domestic Violence. Mark had his own heartbreak and trauma. And we both wanted more and better and did work on ourselves prior to falling in love to open ourselves to love. But you can prepare as much as you think you can. But there's nothing that can prepare you for that feeling of here's my heart on a platter, be careful with it and risking it. And you can't have intimacy, emotional intimacy. I'm not talking about sexual. I want you to have all the sex, but I want you to have the emotional intimacy. And that I think is what we want more than anything. But it scares us more than anything. So when Mark and I came together, we thought we had healed. But then now he's showing me all the places I still haven't and I'm showing him all the places that he still hasn't. And how do you stay in it and keep your heart open? And it's just a willingness and it's a willingness to see yourself in each other as innocent and it's a willingness to keep your heart open. So all that has to happen before you can ever keep the purest spark alive. Because there's like instant gratification spark. There's alcohol induced or substance induced spark. There's you know, escape on a vacation type of a spark. But the spark I want you to have is the spark that is the depth of your soul that being witnessed while it witnesses the depth of another soul. And I hope this isn't too much for you all on a Wednesday morning.

No, not at all. Not at all. In fact, we're going to talk about all those sparks. We're going to start a fire. In fact, you can go to mix125. The entire segment will be there. There's a backlog on there as well. You can also Visit rebecca@rebecca silence.com and the unsilent woman.com on a mental wellness Wednesday. All right, let's talk sparks.

Well, and, and I'll tell you what we're literally doing in my, in my house. So Monday night is the family night. This is a new tradition. And it's so funny because in the beginning of our relationship, you know, I would bring all these new ideas to the table and Mark was always game. And you know, he, over the years. Cause we've been together 14 plus years now. He's the one that's like, okay, Rebecca, we're too disconnected. Okay, Rebecca, we need to try this more than even I bring ideas to the table in this season. So he said early this year, Monday nights, no, no tv. Let's just be a family right now. It's just Mark and I and the 10 year old in the house and the two dogs and the bearded dragon and he's like let's do Monday nights where it's just quality time nights. And so we have been for three straight weeks. So last night was a night where Seneca I love candles. She lit 30 plus candles. We made dinner, had a candle at dinner, played pitch a card game and it was so delightful and then everyone just went to bed rested and peaceful and cup runneth over type of a vibes. Mark and I do two things that's game changing in addition to making sure we have a family date day every week that we've done for years. So we'll keep the family date time on the weekend but we're going to do the Monday nights. That's the family right For Mark and I on Sundays we go over what's working, what's not, how are we really doing, what do we really need, what do we really want, where, if anywhere do we need to reset? Okay. Then on Wednesdays it's on the sexy vibes, the romance vibes. We have a date night where we don't talk business in terms of like how we're doing or what's not working. Like we just enjoy each other. And you know, whether you have a relationship or not, you're supposed to enjoy it. And if you're not enjoying it, what I want you to know is there's heart work, there's healing work for you to do and I got your fricking back. Get coming back to life. My book that's won awards, this book a couple years ago won top self love in the top 10 in the world book. So you've got that book, you've got all these free resources and resources available@rebeccasilens.com but regardless of your relationship status, that experience of loving you and loving love the way you always imagined you could is available. So I don't care what your weekly rituals or routines are, but build it into your week in your calendar. How you're loving you, how you're making time for loving your spouse. And don't be afraid of the hard conversations. We want to avoid the hard conversations because we don't want to rock the boat or risk threatening the love. But if you don't have the hard conversations, a wall is building. So I just want you all to know when it comes to love, there's nothing to fear and there's so much more available to than almost anyone I Know, has experienced.

So one of the big things, and I love everything that you're saying, but one of the big things I guarantee people listening are, are thinking about is okay, they're doing a Monday night family, they're doing, you know, date night on Wednesday and they're doing compare notes on Sunday for people. I guarantee they're like, how in the world do I schedule that much time? Because whether it be, you know, they have multiple kids and they're in multiple things all over the place and all they're doing is going from back and forth. They don't even, they don't even have time to like go to the bathroom by themselves, let alone, you know, schedule time like that. So let you know while we're talking about making it a priority, you almost have to make this like carve out that time to make it work, right?

I think that's a brilliant point you're making. I want you right now to just allow yourself to receive seeds of possibility and to place, you know, even an hour on the calendar every week to start. You can phase into what we're doing. But here's the deal. I'm just going to be transparent. The way Mark and I are operating, we can't afford not to make that time. So you might be thinking, I can't afford to make the time. I'm just going to lovingly suggest you can't afford not to make the time. And you can phase it in, start with an hour a week with your spouse with no phones, then that's one thing too.

That's one thing. Because you're, you're saying phase it in. Not okay, jump from one extreme.

I'm never going to expect you to go from A to Z. But I do want you in the mentality that you can't afford not to prioritize nurturing love in your life, right? And if I am able to meet with a coach every single week for an hour and a half and travel multiple days a month, and my husband travels half the month and all the coming and going, we make this the non negotiable. So everything else revolves around it. And it took us years to get here. We didn't start this in until Covid and I was ready to do this because the way we were both navigating Covid, it was energetically contradictory. My values and beliefs, his. And we were like, if we don't make time for us in enjoying each other again, we're screwed because it's getting way too comfortable being strangers in the night. And we just Got honest about it. And I'm like, instead of talking about for an hour a week all of our problems, how about we enjoy each other again? And it next level revolutionized our marriage. So just start where you are. And that was 2020, and now it's 2025. And here's the vibe. And over the years, we've just added in more. It was first just enjoy each other, then it was to have the logistics, conversation, and the family date day. Now it's Monday nights and we're just enjoying each other without tv. It's simple and.

Well, I'm sorry. One of the things that you, you keep saying over and over again is enjoying each other.

Oh, my God.

A lot of times, a lot of times when you are in a long term relationship, you know, you're in each other's lives and you're like, you know, you're the running buddy, but sometimes you get so wrapped up in quote unquote, day to day life, you forget to enjoy each other. And you two enjoying each other was the thing that sparked everything else. So just having that reminder to enjoy each other is such a huge thing. Rebecca, I'd love for you to talk about the love letter that you were talking to me about earlier on. Because especially as we go into, into Valentine's Day, I think this is a natural segue into this.

Okay, so DM me love letter on any social channel. Rebecca. Silence. R, E, B E, C, A H. Just so you know how to spell my first name if you want this template. So I was in a seminar in Miami, I guess it was like a week ago now, but we were given this idea to create a template for people. And I immediately got lightning struck, this hit of do a how to write a love letter template. Because we don't do love. Right. I'm just gonna say it. We don't. So I want you to do love right and land it. And so what I did is I just took some words and framed it out for you to fill in your heart, your truth, your desire, your.

You know, it's kind of like Mad Libs, but it's a love letter.

Exactly. You know? Exactly. It's Mad Libs for love. And so I put this together on the plane ride home from Miami and I immediately wrote a letter to Mark. And what I was sharing with Gary before we went live here with you was Mark does not like words of affirmation. It's my number one jam. You want to get me? You just give me delicious words of affirmation. My husband is Like, I don't care about the words. Show me. But I melted his face off. Okay, so this love letter is organized in such a way where we hit all the points and you'll know what I mean as soon as you see it. But if you want to land love, you can take this and you can write a love letter to yourself. If you're single, you've got to get that you loving you is the baseline for how much you let in. And so I don't worry about your relationship status today. I worry about your relationship to love. And then I don't worry at all if you're committed to having the love you imagine. So take this template. Write a love letter to someone with it. Write a love letter to yourself with it if you're really bold and audacious. And then let me know how the freak it goes. But just DM me love letter and I got you. And if you follow me on social, we'll be dropping it later today. If you're on my email list, you already actually have it. We sent it out first thing this morning. But I'm super excited about this tool for people. I think it's going to be big and really, really helpful. And you're not cheating. I'm helping you rewire your brain. And the people who you love, we're going to rewire their brain too around what delivering the message of the love you are can look like.

This is the love cheat code. That's what today is. It's mental wellness Wednesday. Life coach and the unsilent woman, Rebecca. Silence. You can go to rebeccasilence.com and also the unsilent woman.com Rebecca, thank you so much for the time and happy Valentine's Day.

Can you feel the love? Happy Valentine's Day. I love you all so much.