Let's Take On Our Control Issues! Choosing Beyond Survival Mode & What Was #Breakthrough

I am creator of healing is possible. Rebecca. Silence here with a very special guest, Becky E. Who is ready to do some laser breakthrough coaching today to create movement through stuck. The purpose of the hot seat is to create healing. I ask hard questions. It does get hot. It does get sticky. But we create space and possibility where we weren't able to access it previously in just 30 minutes every week. Becky, welcome to the hot seat. It is such. Hi, Rebecca. An honor to have you here. I am excited for you and really can't wait to see where we go. These hot seats are unscripted. They're unplanned. You're coming in with a topic and then we don't really know where it's going to go.

Yes. Well, thank you so much for having me. It's an honor to be here. It's so nice to see your face. I know we've chatted a bit, but it's so nice to see your face on here. So I'm very happy to be here. A little anxious, a little nervous, but that's what it's about, right?

And that's really honest. Yeah. I mean, tell us what it is you want to take on today in your time together in the hot seat.

Well, you know, since I first met you at the first retreat that I went to, which was. I'm not sure how many years ago that was, but that steamrolled some personal development. So it's been a very slow process for me, but it's been pretty steady. And one thing that keeps showing up in different areas of my life is just control, issues with control. And it's a hard thing to admit, but I've worked hard on being able to accept and know that that's one of my things I'm currently working on. And I think that is one of the biggest things holding me back from the next step in my journey, whatever that, you know, would look like. So having, you know, trying to control my situation, other people's situations, control relationships, control things outside of the home work, just general overall situations. And I think a lot of that has to do with just being able to accept, you know, what is happening right now. You know, I can intellectualize the overall universal plan. I understand that there's a plan bigger than I know about and that I can conceptualize that there's really nothing good or bad per se, but it's how we react to it. And so that's been a struggle that's been showing up over the years, but a lot has happened in six months, as you know. And it's showing up big time.

So thank you so much for being as courageous as you are and for being willing to be with your emotions here in this space. I can't emphasize enough. The one thing, if you would only do one thing to heal. That I would recommend is emoting and letting those emotions out is the beginning of making space for clarity, for confidence, and for the next level of your life, whatever it is. So you're doing your work for all of us, and for that, I'm really grateful. But I'd love to hear a little bit more about what are these emotions that are coming up? What are you feeling right now?

I guess it would be the feelings of just overall loss of. Of thinking I knew what the next step was going to be and then realizing that that's changing. And so I guess there's fear behind that of, you know, as we evolve and we work, we feel, we, you know, oh, I've got the plan. You know, I'm such a planner. And when things don't go as I planned, I have a really hard time with that. And I always kind of compare myself to a salmon that's swimming upstream against the current and not just flowing with the way that things are happening. And like, when. When I talk to people and they say they're, oh, I'm a go with the flow kind of person. Like, that stresses me out to hear that. Like, I can admit that, because I don't, you know, and now I find myself in a position where I'm craving that. Craving. You know, I want to be more flexible. I want to go with the flow. I don't want to. I feel like I've been fighting for years, fighting against the plan beyond me. So that's what.

So you're feeling some loss, you're feeling some fear, and you're in, like, what I would call double bind. Like, you want to relax and go with the flow, and yet the thought of that just sounds horrible at the same time.

Yeah, pretty much.

Am I on track there? Okay, so. Okay, so tell. Let's back up just a minute. Tell me what the plan is. Like, what if I just want to plan a seed of possibility with you for a second? Becky, what if you don't have to let go of the plan at all, but you do potentially need to let go of attachment to how you thought it was going to go? The who's, the hows, the what's the attachment to the play by play that you thought it would take to win the game. That is something to consider. Letting go of. But what is the plan in general? Let's not throw that out yet. Do you follow me?

Yeah.

What is the plan? What do you want next?

And that's, you know, I'm. I'm. I thought I knew, and I still may know, but I really feel like I don't know. And I've been struggling with that for years of just maybe saying, you know, I don't know what I want. I didn't know what makes me happy. And so I'm kind of. I found myself to be in a rediscovery phase, but I feel that my commitment to figuring that out in my commitment to myself is not there. Hasn't been there. And that I commit to everything outside of me and don't focus on, you know, myself. Like, I know the more I work on me, the more I can be there for other people. And so I'm stuck in an intellectual understanding of things and a doing and following through.

Can I pause you right there?

Yes.

So I'm asking a question about what you want next, what plan you thought was the plan was. And then I'm hearing a lot of what I would call absolutes. Right. I have control issues. I'm committed to everything outside of myself. I mean, it sounds like things people told you about you. Do you believe these things about you? Who you've been isn't who you are.

Yeah.

And you are going through, just like everyone, a rebirthing. We're all in this. It's the biggest blessing I believe Covid and a global pandemic could have given all of us is we're simultaneously getting our asses kicked.

Yes.

Right. Nobody is immune to getting a tidal wave of reality washing over them that they didn't ask for. Everyone is looking at, how was I living? What has been working, what hasn't been working, what do I want instead? And when we won't answer those three questions, what has been working, what hasn't been working, and what do I want instead? We are going to spin and we are going to be in hamster wheel and we are going to suffer more. So we all have an opportunity. Not everybody is going to meet that opportunity powerfully. Not everybody is going to look at this even as an opportunity, but I am going to suggest it is. And then, I don't know why this is Becky, but it is almost guaranteed that when I ask people what they want, they trip and fall emotionally with their words. It's like, it's not a trick question, people. It's like a real freaking question. What you don't want. I absolutely freaking know. You do know what you want. But you got to get willing to go deeper than the very real heavy experience of the grief. You're in a grieving right when we're transitioning from one reality and evolving into a new one. And that's how I would invite you to look at it. It's transitioning from one reality into a new one. It's not a complete, like abrupt new world. It's evolution. Right. And you use that word earlier. But when we're making room for more, a couple of things happen in my experience anyway, and number one is we do have to grieve the letting go and the loss of what was to make room for more. And then the second thing that I think happens, and this is the control issue piece, right. It's like a surrender, it's a trust fall, it's a free fall into the unknown. Like in Frozen 2. I don't know if you ever saw Frozen 2, but you know, you're heading into the unknown and what was must not have been enough. We were talking about boundaries yesterday and the healing message. If you're evolving, and that's not a bad thing. The evolving just means I'm ready to grow again. Where I am isn't enough of a challenge, enough of an adventure, enough of an experience. I don't want to be small and stagnant. It's time to grow.

Yeah.

Tell me if this is resonating with you.

It definitely is. In the past, you know, what I've been experiencing the last six months would have just shut me down completely for a really long time. And yes, I've had my days and, and everything with that, but I see that. I see the possibility of something else in the sense of, you know, this, whatever the experience was, was supposed to happen to help me realize maybe some things that I do want, you know, some self worth issues that, you know, you know, things I do want in my life and you know, what I feel I deserve and what I need to work on to, to give like I want to give to other people. And so it's really opened my eyes up to. I do feel the, I feel the void with things outside of myself and trying to, trying to I guess fix things. And usually that's trying to, you know, help or fix or control other people, other things instead of really facing, you know, sitting in the sight. Like I always say, my biggest fear is sitting in silence, which I've done a lot more over the last few years. Because in silence you're with yourself. You're with, you know, your heart, your mind, your soul, your. Your. With, you know, what is. And that to me is. Has been a little scary because I guess, you know, like you said, I've always. Maybe I've believed what other people thought of me and not believed who I really am and the different things that I may want. So I'm usually, you know, the. The black sheep in the group or the odd. Odd person now. And I like that about myself. You know, I'm not ashamed of that, but maybe that's held me back a little bit from really experiencing, you know, some things that I may want to do because other people may not think that I could do it or it's possible or.

So. Hold on one second. Who told you you have control issues? Where did that come from?

I think it's come from past relationships and possibly, you know, family joking comments about how, you know, I'm a planner and, you know, I. How I always try to plan things. But. Okay, I feel that I'm telling myself that too, because I do see it in myself and I don't, you know, want to control. I can't. I have no control over anybody else or any other circumstances. And I guess I struggle between. What is it that I do have control over that I can work on and let the rest go. That line I struggle with, I guess.

So would it be helpful to address that here?

Yeah.

So which one of your parents was the one trying to control life outside of themselves?

My dad.

Okay. So I'm just going to invite you to consider a possibility and anybody out there that's relating to Becky's work right now. Think about who'd you learn how to control outside of yourself from. You didn't know that was even a possibility until you saw someone do it. And then, guess what, whoever it was that you learned that from learned that from someone, too. It's not their fault. Yeah, Strategy. It's a coping skill. So what I'm going to suggest to you today, Becky, and to everyone watching is right now you've got a choice. You're either going to live in a strategy of survival mode or you're going to start to choose to surrender into living your life beyond survival mode. Okay. Does that land with you?

Yeah.

What would life beyond survival mode be? Give it a word. We have survival mode. Or what's the other version of life for you?

I think joyful.

Okay, so we have survival mode or we have joy mode. Now keep feeling your emotions. You're amazing. This is exactly what Anybody that is going to change their life has to do first. They have to feel the stuck emotion that's trapped that's preventing them from the new experience. It's not about changing your circumstances or the characters or even the results. It's about the experience you're having first. So if you're not experiencing joy.

How.

Are you going to believe that any new experience is coming?

Yeah.

What if you could give up survival mode as a way that you live?

It's just the thought of it, like, relaxes me.

Okay. So I want you to breathe into that, and I want you to feel that, and I want everyone watching to consider. I don't think you get to ever wake up one day and know who you are. And I don't think. And this is a little bit controversial, Becky, you don't have to believe me, but just consider. I don't think life is happening for us to learn any lessons. I don't think it's happening to us, and I don't think it's happening for us. I think life is happening. And then you get to decide. I get to decide. Everyone watching gets to decide who they're going to be. And I don't think we find it. We have to begin with, once you decide survival mode, no more as the rule you live by. I don't think we can escape survival mode either, because it's so deeply ingrained in us. But it can be more and more and more and more and more the exception. So what you can control is whether or not you're aware in a moment with what you say, with what you think, with what you do, with how intentional you are. Am I taking my life in a direction of survival mode, or am I taking my life into joyful mode? You can start right there.

Yeah.

How are you doing this joy to me?

I've, you know, I've been saying lately as. I just want peace, you know, and peace to me is, you know, joy. And so those two words to me, you know, when you're experiencing a situation with a kid, let's say, right when you laugh with a child, everything goes away. I think, you know, that instant, that moment, and you just kind of feel. You know what I mean? You just. That's like the present. Most present I ever feel. And I think that's why I've always enjoyed working with kids, you know.

Yeah.

Because they bring you right to the moment.

And ask a question about that. When you're working with kids and feeling that way, how are you being.

Present? Happy, attentive, you Know, is it possible.

Okay, that you're also not needing anything to be different in those moments? Can a kid throw a tantrum? Can a kid be a jerk? Can a kid do whatever they're doing and you still know how to be that way with them?

I think so.

You know, so just sit with that for a second. Because if you already know how you want your life to feel, which is peaceful and joyful and present, you're way ahead of the game before you even have to worry about what you want, which we're also going to get to here. Anybody that's tripped up on what do you want? Start with how you want your life to feel. And then know it isn't the things outside of you, including people or kids or whatever it is, that are having you feel that way. It's how you're being, Becky, that has you feel that way. It's how you're being with that kid that has you feel that way. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I guess. You know, I've struggled with the congruency of how you're being and how you want to be. You know, the. I catch myself and I. I'm not one to pause before I react or speak sometimes. Sometimes I'm capable of that, and other times I know I'm capable of it, but I don't choose that direction. And so I struggle sometimes with feeling, like, until I'm congruent with how I want to be, how I want to feel, until I have that figured out, I can't do X, Y, and Z, which I know isn't true right now.

So until and unless you're willing to be who you want to be and feel how you want to feel, with the results you have now, results aren't going to change. You can let yourself be peaceful with the results you already have.

And then what results do you mean? Like what's currently happening right with the.

Way life is now? Results. I just mean so Inspired Results, the name of my company. Here's what it means. Inspired is in spirit. It means connection to that highest version of you. And then the results part, I believe, is completely out of my control. What inspired results means to me is I can be inspired, connected to the highest version of me, regardless of results.

Okay?

I can control that. You can control that. Everybody watching can control that. Being the higher version of me instead of defeatedness, which is a lot of what I'm experiencing from you today, like a way that you're almost beating yourself up about where you are now isn't where you should Be. You should be somewhere else. Well, no, if you want to be somewhere else, let's get you there. But it starts with you connecting to the highest version of you and you relaxing into. You've done nothing wrong. You get to keep caring a lot about people. But I'm hearing this leap into you prioritizing you and how you want to feel, and you finding peace regardless of circumstances as a potential great first step with you. But I want to ask you the same question I asked a little while ago one more time, which is, what is the plan? And close your eyes. Let's sit into stillness and silence for a moment. If that would help. If you weren't afraid, if you weren't listening to the fear or letting the loss consume you, what would your soul say the truth is about what's the plan? And what do you actually want?

I mean, one thing I want that I know is, you know, I have been struggling with starting my own business and finding a way to help people in a connected way that I feel I'm connected to purpose. And, you know, and I see myself traveling with that locally, you know, nothing. Just starting off locally in New York and going further and just, you know, being able to control where I'm staying, where I'm living, and kind of be on the road, but, you know, have that home inside myself where it's not a physical manifestation, you know, so that's something that I know that I want and everything else I just feel would come together.

So what if that's a perfect place to start? You know, you want. It sounds to me like some freedom to have your own business that involves travel and service and you want to feel at home within yourself, wherever you are. Did I hear that? Am I tracking with you?

Yeah, that's enough.

That's enough to start. And now the choice is, are you going to create that from survival mode or are you going to create that in joyful mode? And are you willing? This is a hard question I'm about to ask you. Okay. It's one thing to want it. Are you going to commit fully to it?

Yes, because I feel part of the journey to feel connected to a purpose in business is to find what I enjoy. So by me doing the things I enjoy is how it's help. And sharing that with people, I feel like helps me find that. And, you know, I had a experience this weekend where I went away from a Friday to Sunday and I tried my best not to have a plan. I had a place to stay and that was good enough for me. And I spent most of my time outside in nature and I found little places that, you know, were on the, you know, weren't on the main map, you know, where there were people but not tons of people. And it was really connected me to those things that I did, I do enjoy and I haven't been doing. And so I feel. And that's a lot of what the business plan, the thought would lead me into. And I. I'm not specifically saying, you know, I don't want to be attached to what I think that is, and I've kind of been attached to exactly what I want the business to be, but I feel I need to figure out myself first before that is going to come together.

Can I coach that?

Yes, please.

So stay committed to what the business is going to be. Get out of the way of how you're going to get there. The more you're like, I don't know, I think I know what it is. I don't know. Maybe it's not that. The more you spin your wheels, decide what it is, at least the first evolution of it, Phase one. Let's get really clear on what phase one is. And let's commit to no matter what, your life depends on you crossing that finish line and in that experience of being all in and fully committing and making it happen, I guarantee you're going to feel more at home in you, with you as you, the you you want to be now, not the you you've been. Because you're powerfully choosing. You're controlling your destiny. When you say, I'm all in, nothing can stop me or I'll die trying. We need to get you there. And then I think support is critical. You're going to need a coach, a mentor, therapist, somebody to help guide you. But I want you to commit to what it is. Decide. Choose. You've watched my business over the last 12, 15 years change a lot.

Yeah.

But I say here's what I'm doing, then I don't know how it's gonna happen. I just decided it is happening.

Yeah.

Unless I'm dead. I'm serious. Like, I want you get there like you are choosing yourself. And I almost like enjoyment mode better than joyful mode. I like that word. Like we have survival mode or we have enjoyment mode. And you can be. This is the ticket, everybody. You can be in enjoyment mode no matter what situation you are in. If I can do it in the cancer bed, yeah, you can do it now. You can. And I'm not saying this without experience. Part of what saved My life, Becky. I got pregnant, I got cancer. I have the baby the whole first year. I have 12 surgeries, chemo. I can't even hold my baby. I had so many surgeries on this arm. I just knew if I can't get to being who I want to be and feeling how I want to feel, even in this, I'm never going to be free. And I did a lot of fantasizing and planning and plotting and scheming when I'm. Well, if I'm still here, this is what I'm going to do with my life. And I'm doing it.

Yes, you are.

And you can, too. Okay? I believe in you. I adore you. I say take on enjoyment mode. You. You can control that. That measuring stick. And you can control whether or not you mean it, that you've got a business idea and you're going to do it. And you know what it is. If you can see it, you can do it. It's not easy. It's going to be a mess. It's going to be a million reasons to quit all the time. Doesn't mean you can't do it. And you're growing into a life beyond what you've ever seen before is your right. You don't need to just live within the boundaries that you've seen and that you've experienced. Make your life yours. How does that feel?

It feels good. I mean, just by you saying that last sentence. Make your life yours. Hit. Because nobody's. Nobody's been holding me back but me. And I know that.

And let me just say this, Becky. What if you haven't been holding you back, You've just been unsure.

Yeah.

Get sure you haven't done anything wrong. You just not been very inspired. Yeah. So get sure that it's your right to be inspired. It's your right to enjoy that your idea is one worth creating. Or if it isn't, just pick a different one. Pick something that you're saying. Yes, this is the plan. And until and unless I cross that finish line, this is the plan. Everybody quits before they cross finish line. Yeah, that's the issue. We need to get a finish line that's so clear that you're unwilling not to cross that it gives you that carrot. It gives you that permanent sense of control. Because you know, no matter what is happening, where your life is going. And then in the meantime, you can really enjoy living into the enjoyment mode, upping your enjoyment factor game no matter what. Try it on. Let us know how it goes. Okay. Tell me what you're taking away from this time together.

Is to get clear of how I want to feel and how I want to be while committing to one business idea and find enjoyment mode along the way and surrendering, you know, a little bit to the things outside of myself that I can't control. And just concentrate on what I can, can control, which is me and how I. How I choose to live my life.

And where you're going so that everything you do and say and think and intend, you can start to pay attention to. Is this getting me closer or is this taking me into comfort zone? And anything that isn't getting you closer is just comfort zone? Yeah, you can do this. You're a badass. And then the only other thing I would say to you is don't be afraid to find that support. You do not have to do it on your own. I have not been successful at creating anything by myself ever. I've got support like you wouldn't believe around me all the time. And I never thought I could afford it, by the way. I couldn't. But I created it anyway, and you can, too. Thank you for your work today.

Thank you for having me.

Oh, my goodness. It's a great honor to have you. And this is a huge struggle that so many people have, you know, And I think it's great to be the salmon and be different, but I also think that the flow happens when you just fully commit and decide that you're going to be unstoppable until you cross that finish line.

Yeah.

As long as there's a dance around, is it going to work out or isn't it? Get all in or all out and then find the thing you're all in.

Okay. Okay. Thank you so much.

Oh, my goodness. If you want to meet possible hot seat, message me. Go to Rebecca silence dot com. Let's get you in here. Let's get your life going. Let's make your life yours, and I'll see you all soon.