Life as a Fixer: Why You Feel Responsible for Everyone

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Live and local. It's big Papa in the morning on a mental wellness Wednesday. Introducing the world's leading love and emotional healing coach, Rebecca silence. Available online theunsilentwoman.com Rebecca, good morning. How are you?

Hi, everyone. Let's make some magic happen.

I'm just gonna give you a topic this week, and you take it wherever you see fit. Lots of people are fixers.

Yes.

And number one, define what a fixer is. Because, like, you and I know each other so well. Like, I know, but I want you to break it down for everybody and. And then talk about being a fixer and why that's not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing.

Okay. I am going to actually say it's a bad thing. So, you know the show scandal back in the day. Olivia Pope is literally the fixer. She's going to fix the broken people, fix the broken pieces, put it all back together again when Humpty Dumpty falls off the wall right now. Okay, here are the problems with you feeling like it's your responsibility to fix people, places and things. It really does disrespect people when you come in and act like, I know better for you than you do, how to live your life, how to lead your life, how this should be going, at home, at work, in the community, with your friends. So it puts you in a superiority position and puts other people in an inferior position, and it never goes well. Okay? So instead of trying to fix them, look at what's going on inside of you. I see it all the time in my private practice of almost 25 years, where we need to be needed, and then we resent the people that need us. It's a lot of responsibility, shouldering other people's difficulties, feeling like it's up to you to make sure they're not upset, they're not hurting, they're not in a bad way, but everybody has free will and agency. This is really, really hard, especially for parents, to let go of control and to let people do what they're going to do, be who they're going to be, and then your job is only to love them and be there where you have permission and where they're asking for help. There's a big difference between being support and being the fixer. So I'm not saying don't support people. I mean, Gary and I have known each other since high school, middle school, like, a really long time, and we're there for each other personally and professional, professionally, all these decades, all these years in so many different ways. I'M not saying don't be support, don't be supportive. But the second you're in fixer mode, you dehumanize, you disrespect and you play God and it's going to blow up in your face.

Why don't you give, if you wouldn't mind, give an example, the difference between supporting and fixing. Because people, you know, they, they hear the words, but it may not stick.

Absolutely. Yeah, I can totally give you an example. So I've got a friend who has a marriage and has kids and her whole life is about trying to anticipate what everybody else needs to the point where she doesn't know her favorite color, she doesn't know what she needs. The only thing she needs is to make sure nobody's unhappy. Now maybe you can relate. I've certainly been there where my whole life was about making sure other people had their needs met and weren't upset. And as long as everybody was happy, I was okay. But the problem with that is someday never comes when everybody's happy and it's all copacetic and it's all working out perfectly right. So what this woman is learning how to do through her relationship with me is three things. One, wait for permission. So I've, I've invited her to a process where if they don't ask for help, you don't offer it for 30 days. She's like, I'd rather stick needles in my eyes, Rebecca. But it's already changing her whole family system. So asking for permission is the only way. Right now she's allowed to offer help only because she's accepted this right now. The second thing that makes it support is it supports you to what a concept. So it's not support unless it supports them and you. So if it's going to be supportive to them, but at your expense, taking your energy, taking your money, you don't actually have available to give, whatever it might be, if it doesn't support you back, it's a house of cards and it's going to crumble. All right? And then the third thing is it's on your terms. So when you've been trained to be the over responsible one, the everything to everybody person at home and at work, you're not recognizing what sets you up well. So on your timeline, on your terms, and some of you might be thinking, Rebecca, I don't know, I don't know what that would be. Well, that's where you want to join my own youn Voice Society membership and have me as your coach. Or find a therapist or find another coach or find a mentor to start looking at. Okay. What takes care of you? What sets you up? Well, what sets you up to win? So maybe you've got time on Wednesday morning, but they want you to Thursday night and you've got other obligations. Instead of trying to be it all, figure it all out. You can say, this is when I'm available. And if that doesn't work, here's when I'm available.

It is. The unsilentwoman.com is where you go to learn more. She is the world's leading love and emotional healing coach. Rebecca Silence on a Mental Wellness Wednesday. Such good stuff. Thank you so much.

Love you all. Be careful with each other's hearts. Sam.