Transcript of a radio segment (Mental Wellness Wednesday) featuring life coach Rebeccah Silence discussing strategies for ending cohabitation after a breakup. The speaker covers emotional honesty, setting powerful choices/boundaries, practical steps when the home is yours (clear timelines, eviction/legal options), safety actions if behavior escalates, and accepting short-term losses to protect long-term wellbeing.
You're in a relationship, everything's good, you guys move in together, everything's cool. Then you break up, but you're still living together. How the hell do you get out of the house?
But you've got to start by getting really honest with yourself. If you're still there, and it's almost like you're keeping yourself in purgatory, there's a reason why, right? Like, you absolutely have other resources and at least a path to get your own place and to sever the cord and to live separately now that the relationship's over. Want to say, even though finances might be an issue, even though, you know circumstances might be challenging, you're still there for some emotional reason.
Mix 102.5, the best mix from the 90s to now. Big pop in the afternoon. It is a Mental Wellness Wednesday. Life Coach Rebecca Silence Tougher Together. A breakthrough podcast. They have the emotional survival Kit, available@rebecca silence.com and coming soon. In fact, you can preorder it right now, wherever you get your favorite book. Coming back to life. Life Coach Rebecca Silence. Rebecca, how are you?
Well, hello. I am very well. Super excited to be with everyone today. Happy Mental Wellness Wednesday.
Let's get into the nitty gritty. I've lived through this situation, and I know people that are currently in this situation. So let's talk about. You're in a relationship, everything's good, you guys move in together, everything's cool. Then you break up, but you're still living together. How the hell do you get out of the house?
Okay. Oh, my goodness. Well, and especially with Pandemic, this is a scenario, right, that is even more prevalent than probably it's ever been before. And I'm going to make it really simple. So the first thing is to be really honest. Well, there's that, but you've got to start by getting really honest with yourself. If you're still there, and it's almost like you're keeping yourself in purgatory, there's a reason why you absolutely have other resources and at least a path to get your own place and to sever the cord and to live separately now that the relationship's over. So I want to say, even though finances might be an issue, even though circumstances might be challenging, still there for some emotional reason. So the first thing is to get honest with yourself about what that is. Like, why am I still here? Am I not ready to let this person go? Am I hoping that they're going to somehow change and all of a sudden show up and have this epiphany and want to be with me and want to make it work, why are you still there? Do some soul searching and really get honest with yourself about why you're still there. Then once you've had that honest conversation with yourself, just make it a powerful choice. So if you're going to be there, it's got to be a powerful choice or you're going to feel terrible. What I mean by that is if you're telling yourself a story like, I can't move out, I don't have the money, I don't have anywhere to go. It's all powerless. So if you're staying there for powerless reasons, it kills your spirit, it undermines you, it disrespects you, and it feels terrible. So you've got to decide. I'm going to stay here powerfully because this is the best decision for me. And we're going to reinvent as friends and we're going to have some ground rules to make this work, or you got to get out powerfully and set yourself up powerfully somewhere else.
Okay? And everything you said absolutely makes sense. What if it's your place and they won't leave?
They have to. So what I mean by that.
Well, this is why I'm asking.
You can't write, you can't make anyone do anything. But if it is your place, you can evict them and you can say it really straight. Like I get emotionally, somehow we're both still hanging on to this or we wouldn't even be in this fight where I'm saying, you have to leave and you're saying, no, I don't. So let's just get real about emotionally. We're a codependent, entangled mess and let's just get honest about that. And then I am not actually asking you to leave. This is my place. My boundary is we're done. It's not healthy for either one of us to stay underneath the same roof. So I'm going to need you to leave and you have seven days to do that or your stuff will be on the street. Or I'm going to have to find a way to start some type of eviction process. I'm not threatening you. I am not asking you to do anything unreasonable. For both of our sakes, can we do this? Well, and with respect, I am happy to give you a week. And it is really time for us to go our separate directions. So my point is, you don't have to quote me verbatim, but again, it needs to be powerful. You are not powerless. And sometimes we have to make hard leadership calls. And when a relationship is over and it is time for us to go our separate ways and undo living together, it can be complicated, but it doesn't have to be messy. It doesn't have to be war. It doesn't have to be a fight. It doesn't have to be disrespectful. You can just say, you know, I don't know what your reasons are for, for not wanting to leave. I'm not trying to screw you over. I'm not trying to kick you out and, you know, make your life worse. I just know this isn't good for us. So one week, two weeks? What's the timeline? We need to go our separate directions, and that includes no longer living together. I do think you agree with me on that. At least deep down, you know this is how you can talk to the person.
You're absolutely right. And I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't play devil's advocate and give you worst case scenarios. So what if you have this conversation and say, okay, you know, this isn't working, we're done. This is my place. You need to find a place to go. And. And then it gets really dirty messy. As far as, like, you're trying to hold your boundaries, but they just are doing stuff to your property. And like, like, it can go really, really bad. And that's why I want to, like, talk about this. Because if, you know, okay, you make that initial step, but all of a sudden they're not, you know, they're not playing fair and it goes down, it goes down that way. What's a good way to kind of keep it on the rails, I guess is the best way to ask.
Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, you aren't responsible for the other person's behavior, nor can you predict or control the other person's behavior. But as cliche as it is, you can control you. So I'll just, I'll tell you a quick story. So my first marriage had gotten violent and we were getting divorced, and it was terrible. And I was literally in this situation where I'm saying, I need you to leave, and he's saying, it's my house. So there was a week where I was in the house, he was gone. Then he came back and I made the decision, you stay here, then I'll get my own apartment. And it wasn't easy at all. The house ended up foreclosing because he didn't keep it up and it didn't show. Well, and it was a mess. But my point is you don't have to engage with the crazy. You can look at it. If things are escalating, you can say, okay, I'm going to leave right now. If your property is being damaged, call the police, call 911. If you're at risk, if it's getting violent and you're unsafe, call 911. Get out of there. But know that legally there's an eviction process that you can pursue if it gets to that point. And don't you let yourself get hooked in like a fisherman trying to catch a fish by this person's crazy. And they're just in fear and trying to find a way to control a situation that isn't going the way they want it to. And you don't have to participate. So sometimes you have to make decisions that in the long run are the most beneficial and in the short term are not ideal. Like what I did when I took my daughter. I left my house. I left my husband with the house. And I knew that asset, that property. You know, me leaving is a risk, but I'm not staying here with him. And in that case, we were. But we were both on the mortgage. We were both on the deed. It was his house. So I had to make a decision. If it's both of your house, take care of you, get yourself set up to win. If it's not their house, it really is a, this, this isn't a request. This is a, you need to leave. And we can do this well and respectfully. Or if you're going to fight me on it, I'm happy to, you know, get legal involved. I don't want that to happen, but I will. That can be the conversation.
And this is why we do it. You just helped a ton of people just from these last five minutes. Absolutely incredible. It's a mental Wellness Wednesday. Life coach Rebecca silence. Go to rebeccasilence.com check out the emotional survival kit. It's absolutely free. And also the new book coming out soon. You can preorder it right now. Coming back to life. If you missed any of it, it's all on. You can check out Rebecca's social media. It's all there, the video clips and everything. The audio versions on mix125.com it's a mental wellness Wednesday with life coach Rebecca Silence. We'll talk to you next week.
