In this interview‑style YouTube segment, host SPEAKER A talks with love‑and‑emotional‑healing coach Rebeccah Silence about the heightened stress that family gatherings can bring during the holiday season. Rebeccah identifies the core problem as people making their own happiness dependent on others, which leads to disappointment, grief, and old wounds resurfacing. She outlines a proactive approach: set clear intentions, establish personal boundaries, and use concrete “one‑liners” (e.g., “I love you too much to fight, let’s take a break”) to pause escalating conflict. The conversation distinguishes selfish self‑care (prioritizing one’s well‑being so one can show up fully for others) from self‑absorbed behavior that ignores others’ impact. Rebeccah also acknowledges grief that many experience during holidays and encourages listeners to own their emotional responsibility. The segment concludes with a plug for her book, Coming Back to Life: A Roadmap to Heal from Pain to Create the Life You Want, and an invitation to a free “emotional CPR” masterclass and her social channels.
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Ah, the holiday season. It brings cheer, magic, and the ever so uncomfortable family dynamics. I know a lot of you are nodding your heads. So love and emotional healing coach and my friend Rebeccah Silence is here to help. She's brilliant, you all.
Hi. I'm so happy to have this life-changing conversation today for people. I'm—
we're very grateful for you to be here. So no one wants a food fight to break out during the holiday season. Break it down for us, Rebeccah. Why are family dynamics so challenging during this specific time of the year?
Because we make our happiness everybody else's responsibility.
Oh, I can totally relate to that.
That is the answer.
Wow.
And there are solutions. Wow.
Yeah. So is it because it's so exciting and important, these holidays, that people get charged up with this?
Well, I think we also expect to be disappointed.
Yeah, right.
And heartbroken and activated. Versus being intentional. So we're just trying to manage and walk on eggshells and get through it, right?
Instead of enjoying it.
Instead of, right, old wounds, triggers, and issues with certain people in the family. And so if we could literally say out loud to people, or at least own it ourselves, I am responsible for my happiness, everybody else is off the hook, and I'm also responsible for the experience I'm having. It's so easy to think, other people are the problem, or external factors. Many people are grieving, either people that are alive or who have passed.
Yeah, I'll be grieving my mom this holiday season.
Yes, and my heart is with you, and that loss is real. And so we haven't been taught that there's nothing outside of us more powerful than we are. So here I am today.
So this is your sign.
There's nothing outside of you more important or more powerful than you and your well-being, and you're the only one who can be well and happy and fulfilled no matter what's going on around you.
Gosh, that is a goal. Isn't that a goal, people? That's a goal of mine. 'Cause I often look to external validation as well. Yeah. Okay, so how can we lay down a healthy foundation ahead, ahead, we're gonna plan ahead, of the extended family arriving or you're meeting up with them? What are some steps we can do to plan ahead?
Okay, so here's my definition of boundaries.
Oh God, I don't have any. I'm so excited.
We need boundaries. I need them so bad. Okay, so first of all, we need an intention that We're gonna enjoy the holidays and not in spite of other people, but no matter how they show up.
Got it.
Or what's going on, right? So that's the first thing. And then the second thing is, I want you to know that boundaries are what honor, respect, and take care of you, okay? So if you are saying something or biting your tongue, any self-betrayal in the name of love isn't love. So I want you to go into the holidays with boundaries knowing I'm gonna be my best so I know I did, and I'm not gonna tolerate bad behavior. So maybe you're prepared to, if with a certain family member, you need to ask for a break, okay, things are getting heated, let's take five, let's reconvene, we both wanna have a great day, right?
That's a great way of saying it.
Here's an awesome one-liner too. I love you too much to have this fight with you, so let's take a break. Let's come back in five.
I love you too much to have this fight with you. Let's take a little turkey break or whatever.
Don't be afraid to take breaks. Don't be afraid to take charge of the experience you're having too.
I need help with that too. That's really, because I was just taught, and I'm 43, y'all, that boundaries are for you. You're not keeping someone out, you're protecting yourself. And that was a big moment for me. I'm very uncomfortable, conflict avoidant. So these little tricks and one-liners are like safety harnesses, you know? Yeah.
Well, and conflict can actually bring you closer to one another.
I know.
Right? We think we get it, but we don't want to deal with the uncomfortable so we can get closer on the other side of it. But if you're protective, so self-protection, we do need to pay attention to, right? In terms of boundaries. But we don't wanna guard and protect our heart because then people can't feel our pure intention, how much we love, and that sucks, right? We wanna give love and we wanna receive love during the holidays. So be careful not to have so much armor on your heart that no one can feel you.
No one can get in.
And you don't wanna keep the love out.
No, no, that's great. I really gotta have a session with you. So a lot of people can get in the trap of feeling like prioritizing yourself, and this is something I often do too, is rather selfish. Like self-care is selfish. Is that reality? I assume you're gonna say no, right?
No, I'm gonna say be selfish. That's what I'm gonna say. There's a difference between selfish and self-absorbed. Okay, so if I'm self-absorbed, like back in the day when I was a middle school counselor, I would talk to the young ladies about we don't want everything just all about me, all about me, and I'm not considering my impact on other people. That's self-absorbed. Selfish is me self first so I can be my best for you, right? If I'm responsible for my happiness and my well-being, then I am focusing on me so I can be my best for you. So there's a difference between I'm focused on me and I don't care about you.
Yeah.
And I'm focused on me so I can be my best for you. How—
can I ask you something? If you feel like you are self-absorbed, is there a way out of that? Can you practice being less self-absorbed? Like, you're middle school.
That's such a good question. Yeah, because the second you're even aware of it, now you can be intentional about it. So don't beat yourself up, right? Like, my work is never about using this as ammunition against yourself, okay? Your best is enough, okay? Do your best, let it be enough. But if you're even aware, wow, I wasn't even considering my impact on other people, and that I'm not okay with. That makes you amazing.
Yeah.
Right? Because a lot of people aren't even thinking about it.
Right.
And don't even care about their impact on each other.
Rebeccah Silence has this fantastic book that I have on my nightstand.
Yeah.
Plug the book a little bit. What's the name of it?
So I wrote Coming Back to Life: A Roadmap to Heal from Pain to Create the Life You Want because I want us, we all have this like survival mode. So when we're in fight, flight, freeze, we just learned this is it. I shut down.
This is me right now.
I lash out. I run away. And I just make the best of it, right? Well, there's a healed you beyond that, but you don't wake up one day and know who that is. Right. You wake up one day and recognize survival's taken over. So my book is there to help you design your healed life and your healed self.
Guys, I'm telling you, it's by my nightstand for a reason. I keep very few books there, and hers is on there. You can continue the conversation and you can connect with Rebeccah, I know, by following her on social media. Her handle is @RebeccahSilence. You can also message her for an emotional CPR for a free masterclass that can help you out this holiday season. I'm gonna be doing that. Theunsilentwoman.com is also, while you are there, check out her book, "Coming Back to Life."
