A short conversational YouTube segment (Mental Wellness Wednesday) in which host Gary interviews life coach and author Rebeccah Silence about negotiation as a life skill. Rebeccah reframes negotiation as the antidote to "drama" (unresolved conflict) and offers a simple three-part approach to create win-win outcomes: (1) clarify what you need to win (factor yourself in), (2) insist both parties win or nobody truly wins, and (3) keep offering solutions, listen, and be willing to persist until a mutual yes is reached. She illustrates the approach with couple- and work-related examples and warns against self-betrayal (giving up your needs to avoid conflict). The segment includes promotional mentions of her book Coming Back to Life and her website rebeccasilence.com.
This week, let's talk negotiations. Whether it's negotiating salary, whether it's negotiating with your kids, whether it's negotiating with, you know, your, you know, your significant other. There's a lot of negotiations that happen multiple times a day and sometimes you may just not realize it.
Paying attention to what actually is it that I would need to win here now, for so many of us that have been neglected, abused, denied our own needs, our whole entire lives, that can be an overwhelming, anxiety provoking question to ask yourself. So let's just normalize that, right? Like, so what would take care of me.
Mix with a 2.5 the best mix with the 90s to now. Big pop in the afternoon. It is a Mental Wellness Wednesday. Life coach extraordinaire and author of the book Coming Back to Life, available wherever you get your books, Life coach Rebecca Silence is with us as always. Rebecca, how are you?
Well, hello and happy Mental Wellness Wednesday. I'm very well and so happy to.
Be here as and, and I'm always glad that you're here. By the way, check out rebeccasilence.com it's got all kinds of great nuggets. There's a bunch of free information that they're available 247 whenever you are ready to, to partake in it and to learn more about Rebecca and what she does and whatnot. This week, let's talk negotiations.
Okay.
All right. I. It sounds kind of like business, like, let's talk negotiations. But the fact is, whether it's negotiating salary, whether it's negotiating with your kids, whether it's negotiating with, you know, your, you know, your significant other, there's a lot of negotiations that happen multiple times a day and sometimes you may just not realize it.
I am so excited you brought this up because we don't talk about it nearly enough. So one thing we talk about often as a society and just all the time, everywhere you go, we hear the word drama, right? Drama, drama, drama, drama. We have this conversation and that word, it's thrown around and it's usually a word that is very much like, and this is what it is, this is how it is. And I don't see another way or I just have to resign and accept, right? So the reason why the conversation about negotiation is so important is because that is the way out of drama. So it's also a path to next level results and success. Like you said, whether it's a new salary, whether it's a new agreement with your kids or partner or, or whatever. But negotiation is the way out of drama. And we don't talk about it like that. So this is an amazing conversation today and I want to make it really simple because it is. Is it easy? No. Is it simple? Very. So when we're in drama, all that means is we're in an unresolved conflict and fear has taken our brains over and we don't see a path out. So what most people do when drama strikes is they go into that it's either me or them mentality. It's either I'm going to win or you're going to win. We're not taught the art of negotiating the win win. And I'll share with you if so many clients that they think it's elusive or it doesn't even exist, like the win win, like how do I win and the other person wins? I'm not do that.
It's like the good good. Yeah, I get it right.
Or you're so like co programmed that they think the win is whatever the other person needs to win, then the conflict goes away and now there's a win. So there are three big things I want to say about the art of negotiating a win win. And this does apply across the board, personally, professionally, financially, whatever way you need to use this, this will work. So step one of negotiating a win win is paying attention to what actually is it that I would need to win here. Now, for so many of us that have been neglected, abused, denied our own needs, our whole entire lives, that can be an overwhelming, anxiety provoking question to ask yourself. So let's just normalize that, right? Like, so what would take care of me? What would I need to win? For any of you that are like, I have no freaking clue. All right, here's how you navigate that. Just ask yourself, if I wasn't afraid, what would the ideal outcome be that I would want? And that can include for you and the other person. But the key here is you have to start factoring you in. You have to have a position about what you want and need and how you feel and what ideally you would like to see happen. Or you're just going to continue to be neglecting yourself and experiencing a lose instead of negotiating what you want, right? So deep down you know what you want even before you've spoken it out loud. Just start by asking yourself, if I wasn't afraid, what would I admit to myself is what I want here? Number two, you've got to consider that if both of you don't win, nobody wins. There is no real win if I win and you lose. So that I win. Or vice versa, okay? If one person loses, the whole freaking relationship is a sinking ship right away. So it's never me or you. In so many of the couples I work with, they'll do this weird thing where they take turns. Like in this case, you can get what you want and I won't be happy and I'll be resentful, but the next time it'll be my turn. And then you can agree and be unhappy and resentful and then it'll be your turn again. So many couples do this, it's a mess. So the next thing is you've got to approach it where we all need to win or nobody wins. And I'm willing to negotiate as long as it takes. As long as it takes. Whatever it takes for us to get to the win for everybody. So here's where this is hard, but again, it's simple. Offer solutions. Offer solutions. Like keep throwing new ideas. And Gary and I, we're a great example of this. How many shows have we done? How many years have we been working together? How many weeks or, you know, consecutively do we find times to me, how often does life happen and we've got to negotiate a new win, win, change the agreement, restructure when we were going to meet or how we were going to meet, right? We never did video for the first freaking decade, right? And now we're on video and YouTube and doing it different than we did before. But the point is, when you approach something that's not working with your idea of what would work inst. That's the art of negotiation. We don't need to negotiate the problem. We don't need to pass the problem back and forth like a hot potato, right? Offer solutions, make requests, bring ideas. It's game changing. And then finally come from deciding there is a way to win. We will get there. And you can't help but get there if you're doubtful, like there is no win here. You're going to prove that, right? So no, there is a win. We're going to get to it. I'm willing to negotiate as long as it takes, whatever it takes. Until we do, be willing to listen to the other person and genuinely only agree to what. The yes is for you and the yes is for them. It's about a mutual yes, something, a solution that works for everybody. That is how you negotiate. And don't be afraid to hear the other person's perspective. I was having a hard conversation with my husband last week, week. And he was saying, hey, this isn't working for me. And he hadn't offered what would work instead yet. And I noticed myself wanting to get defensive. And then I recognized, I'm so grateful he shared what wasn't working for him and he didn't bottle it up. And then I just asked him, okay, so what's your idea? Like, what's the solution? And then he gave it to me. I didn't like it, so I was like, all right, here's what I like about what you're saying, but here's another, you know, solution to consider. And we figured it out in like three minutes. Whereas before that might have been a fight or a breakdown or one of both of us would have shut down early on in our relationship. But we're not afraid to get to the win win. I'm not afraid to get to the win win in sales. I'm not afraid to get to the win win with my help or in my relationships. Consider, just for this week, don't be afraid of getting to the win win, know it's there, and then follow, you know, this process of considering yourself, offering solutions, being willing to listen to the other person, and eventually arriving at the solution that works for everybody real quick.
One of the things that people do is they won't hold firm on what makes it a win for them. And people, people are very quick to take away stuff that makes them happy just to make the other one happy and just get it done.
Yep.
And that happens so, so much.
Well, it does. And here's the mess about that. If your goal is to just have the conflict or the uncomfortable feelings go away, we're in trouble because the same pattern is going to just show up again where we're not really in a win win. And so the best thing you can do is be honest, have the hard conversation, tackle it now, and then you get to put all that weight down. And what I help people with, especially in my private practice, and if you're a couple in trouble, a family in trouble, I do intensives. There is a way to the win win. But the point is if you, if you give up on the win before you're really there, you perpetuate patterns. So the real goal when we're talking about negotiation is clearing patterns that no longer serve you and you can. And it isn't about just resolving what's uncomfortable. It's about getting more connected and more honest and clearing pattern patterns. And that is just going to bring you more joy, happiness, success, abundance. The list goes on so fast, it's always worth it. And if you dumb you down or put you on the back burner in the name of love. That's called self betrayal. That trains people to take advantage of you. That will create more anxiety and depression, and that is no freaking way to live.
It is life coach Rebecca. Silence. The book coming back to life. Get it wherever books are sold. And you can also get it@rebeccasilence.com It's a mental Wellness Wednesday. Rebecca, great stuff as always. We'll talk to you next week.
