Life coach Rebeccah Silence shares a three-step process to move through anger and grief in minutes: allow tears, do "air screaming" to release rage, then pace your breathing. She used it with her 8-year-old and draws on surviving abuse, domestic violence, and a cancer diagnosis with 5% survival odds at 34 while pregnant.
Questions this video answers
34 (diagnosed while pregnant with her second daughter).
5% chance to live.
8 years old.
Coming Back to Life: A Roadmap to heal from pain to create the life you want.
rebeccasilence.com
If somebody has something negative, whether it be at work or at home in the morning and trying to not have it ruin the rest of the day.
People don't associate when life isn't going their way. The work is emotional work. If we make a decision, and I want to say it this way because it's literally a decision to have a bad day because of whatever it is, a person, place, thing, diagnosis, then that is a self fulfilling prophecy. Right. That the rest of the day is going to be a bad day.
Mix 102.5 the best mix from the 90s to now, it's Big Papa in the afternoon. Mental. Well, this Wednesday with life coach Rebecca. Silence. Rebecca, how are you?
I am very well. I love just singing hakuna matata with you prior to the beginning of this episode.
Well, I'm, it's, I'm glad that like we've known each other for so long that we literally our conversations depending upon the day and the time can be from one extreme. Like, like we're like goofy, silly, laughing today and other times one and or both of us are crying to the other one about who bajillion different things. And I'm glad and I appreciate the fact that we have that dynamic and we have that friendship and it's, you know, that we've built and you know, you know, had it grow over the years.
Absolutely.
What I would like to bring up today has to do with emotions. And a lot of times something can happen in someone's day and it can just put a kibosh on the entire day. And I would like to talk about the ways of if somebody has something negative, whether it be at work or at home in the morning and trying to not have it ruin the rest of the day.
Yes. I love this conversation and I love that you started by saying I want to talk about emotions because I think people don't associate when life isn't going their way. The work is emotional work. That's not what they think.
Well, Rebecca, how many times, how many times have you heard that, you know, someone spend, you know, on a quote unquote run of bad luck and all of a sudden one bad thing happens on one day and all of a sudden it's like. Because that's what happens to so many people.
Absolutely. So just last night I'm going to start with a quick story and then I have so much to say about this. I, I was in bed with my 8 year old. We were actually watching the Ed Sheeran documentary and loving that. Right. And at the end Right before bed, she's like, mom, I'm this friend and this friend and this friend. I'm. I'm not sure how to handle these things. And what ended up coming out was what she was really afraid of is second grade ending and third grade starting. And she loves her class and she loves her teacher and she doesn't want change. So what I said to her is, this isn't really a conversation about your friend friends. This is a conversation about what emotions do you need to feel so you can get back to feeling how you want to feel. So we did this fun little process. She was crying, let her cry. Then we did. What I do with her is this anger release where it's called air screaming. We go, 1, 2, 3. If you're watching the video, I'm literally silently screaming, right? That gets out that emotion of anger. Then we held hands, walked across my bedroom, and with every step we just took a deep breath. Breath into fear, released, took another step. Breathe into the fear. Release the fear. So anger, grief and fear we worked through in literally three minutes. And then she went to bed cracking up, laughing, right? So what we do is we get all caught up in trying to manage and control and manipulate the circumstances. We want people to be how we need them to be. We want life to go how we need it to go for us to feel and be okay. And it's when we're in a moment that isn't our preference, that doesn't seem fair. If we make a decision, and I want to say it this way because it's literally a decision to have a bad day because of whatever it is, a person, place, thing, diagnosis, then that is a self fulfilling prophecy, right? That the rest of the day is going to be a bad day. So one moment does not have to define us, but how often do we let it? I've had clients that have been divorced a decade. The fact that their spouse cheated, wanted a divorce, bailed on them, it's ruined a decade. People don't just have their day ruined. They can have a decade ruined or an entire rest of their life ruined because something happened that they didn't see coming or that they felt like wasn't fair. And now they decide to let themselves crumble in the face of this thing instead of, here's the other path that's available. This doesn't get to win or beat me or define me. This gets to make me even better. And that's not something we're taught how to do. How do I make me better in the most difficult Moments. And if you're just meeting me, I am no stranger to life being dark, traumatic, difficult. And I am not about toxic positivity. Right? The abuse in my childhood, a domestic violence marriage, a cancer diagnosis with a 5% chance to live while I was 34 and pregnant with my second daughter. When I thought I had beat my past and was at the top of my game, none of that did I let define me. I rose to the occasion of finding an inner strength and courage and commitment to my life. And I decided I'm going to use all this to my advantage, and I'm going to prove to myself, not to anybody else, that I don't get squashed like a bug when life gets hard. I get more resilient. I get more resourceful and more me. And it's too bad that so often we need some type of a crisis or a breakdown to give ourselves permission to be who we want to be, to live how we want to live. And ultimately, I think that's what this conversation is about, is you don't need a threat or a breakdown or life being difficult to start living your way. And that's really what's happening. If I think now I have to have a bad day because of X, Y, Z, I just. I don't get to live how I want to live. I don't get to feel how I want to feel because of this thing. But nothing can take away your power and agency and ability to live how you want to live and to feel how you want to feel, guardless of whatever it is that you're facing.
All right, so. So, Rebecca, I hear everything that you're saying, and I feel like you're answering the question in a very big, broad overall strokes. Someone walked into work today, they spilled coffee on their pants, and they got into an argument with, you know, you know, their significant other, and the day started out bad. How can they turn it around?
Yeah, I love that. And we have to start off broad just to paint the picture of possibility, but numbers.
Absolutely.
But.
But I'm also. But I also want to narrow it down, because it's. It's great. Yes, absolutely. What you're saying is what we're doing what?
Right.
Beyond the concept, but for crying out loud, Rebecca. Silence. Help me have a better day.
They can't just. No, that's not enough. Right. Even though we get it. So, number one, lighten up. Life's just happening. It's not happening to you. It's not happening for you. I freaking hate it when people say that. It's just happening. So lighten up. Neutral is the goal. In the middle of a storm, right? Get neutral. You don't have to like it, you don't have to feel good, you don't have to be joyful. But just get to neutral. How do you do that? You lighten up. I spell coffee on my pants. Oh my God. Hysterical. I have a fight with my spouse. I think about, I'm going to give them back. Whatever their problem is, I'm not taking it on. I'm going to go about my day and I'm not going to let this steal my joy, my energy, my light. Right? Say you get to work. Someone else got the promotion. You didn't. There's something better coming for you now that isn't about being toxic positive and trying to force yourself to find the good. It's literally what's meant for you. You can't ever mess up, you can't ever lose. And if something wasn't it that you were banking on, I promise you something better is coming. And I did say to my little second grader who's about to end school next week and start third grade in the fall, this was the best year you've ever had. You had an amazing second grade. Let's just make a decision. Third grade is going to be even better and every year is going to be even better. And she looked at me and she's like, mom, can we really say that? And I was like, why not make the decision that you're going to be your best and make the best of the moment in front of you. Lighten up, get to neutral and then just make your next empowered decision. Is this easy? No. Is it this simple? Yes. You are never not having the power to choose. At your fingertips, you are able to choose and every choice is empowered or disempowered. Don't you dare let yourself be consciously making a disempowered choice. When you make a disempowered choice, you're human. Course correct. And find the next empowered choice. But that's how you take life in your hands and live it your way. You can also please read my book, Coming Back to Life. A Roadmap to heal from pain to create the life you want, if you want even more. Or go to rebeccasilence.com and take my free trigger trauma release masterclass for especially those scenarios that you do not know how to move through in a way where you're better on the other side, but you can always be better on the other side of anything and everything that I can promise.
Okay, well, you did. You did the book plug, you did the website. So it is a mental wellness Wednesday, and we do it every single Wednesday. And Rebecca Silence.com life coach Rebecca Silence. Thank you so much for the time. I definitely. I love you. I appreciate you, and I can't wait till next time.
Me either. This is so fun. Enjoy your lives, everyone. That's the point.
