Overcoming Fear and Pursuing Emotional Wellness: Why External Changes Aren't Enough to Heal (Part 1)

Hello, I am Rebecca Silence, author, media personality and emotional healing and relationship coach. Here with you on the healing is possible experience. This is a show that is meant to take you on a journey towards optimal emotional, physical, mental, essentially spiritual wellness which is available to all of us. No matter what you faced, no matter what you're facing now, no what matter, no matter how successful you feel like you've become or not, if you're not fulfilled, if you're not free and if you're not having fun in your life, emotional healing and your relationship with yourself, that's what's missing. And that's the answer.

Okay, we're going.

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Three, two, one. We're going.

Thank you for being here. Without further ado, we have a very special guest and this is a very special episode. We are working with the gorgeous soul Jeremy Heyman, and he is asking for some coaching. He is asking for some breakthrough. He is ready to get unstuck. So we are about to meet Jeremy. But first, all of you watching, answer the questions that I pose to Jeremy for yourself. Take the meat of the work Jeremy and I are doing together and apply it to you and to your own life. I love how Byron Katie says that there is no new suffering. Right? We are all human. We are all going through it. We are all so much more capable than we realize and we are meant to have a joy filled, happy life. So get for yourself the goodness from this episode and take it and run with it. With all of that being said, Jeremy, welcome to the show.

Hi. Thank you. Excited to be here.

It's so good to see you. I'm really excited that you're here and I love that you're already modeling for us. It's okay to be excited about healing work that's deep and maybe even scary. Why are you using that word that you're excited to be here? I would just love to hear where that's coming from.

I've been so stuck in a negative, emotional place that I haven't been able to get myself out of yet, and I very badly want to do that. And I'm excited to have a new approach or gain some new tools that will help me be able to get to where I would like to be.

I love that. So my next question is, where is it that ultimately you want to be that you don't feel like you are, quote, there yet? Why don't we start with that? Like, what is the goal in your ideal world of where you'd like to be compared to where you are?

I'd like to be happy. I'd like to enjoy my life again. And I, I don't right now. I don't like where I am. I don't like how I feel. My emotional state has caused my mental and physical health to decline. And I, I'm aware of it. I just have, I don't know, it feels like very little motivation to, to fix the problems. I get a lot of my mind telling me that it doesn't really matter if I do it or not, that I'll still be where I am emotionally. So why kind of fix the other things if it's. I feel like the emotional part is what's holding me back. And if I don't fix that, then fixing the other things will just be temporary. And so there is no real point in trying to get started on making those better.

This is so honest, what you're sharing and you're so not alone in that place where you're at a crossroads. Is it really worth it to pursue transformation and, and healing? And then one of the things that you're saying that I just want to make sure everybody is hearing is on some level you already recognize that the external results, if we fix, and we're about to find out what these things are, but the quote unquote problems, that isn't going to change how you feel. Right? Because having an external result doesn't change the internal experience. So you're navigating this desire and you are also up against the fear that no matter what you try, it's not going to work. And you're very aware that just creating a different experience in terms of results in the external world, meaning what's going on outside of you that you have no control over, that's not necessarily going to change how you feel. So, for example, getting X amount of money in the bank, it doesn't change how people feel on the inside. If emotionally they are not experiencing emotional wellness at the level they could if they get that promotion, that book deal, that new relationship, lose the weight, have whatever it is that they think they need to feel better on the inside, provided to them from the outside, it still doesn't change how we feel. So I just want to acknowledge you're correct about that. And that's a really important awareness to have. And the way I work is as an emotional healing coach. We're looking at the relationship with our emotions and our emotional wellness so that regardless of whether or not things change around us, they've changed inside of us so we can get to a place of experiencing our wholeness experiencing our greatness, experiencing the truth of who we are and resting in that. And then external starts to change. But it isn't the other way around. What happens when I say that? What. What are you feeling? What are you thinking?

I mean, it. It sounds spot on. I. I used to be pretty happy with myself and that I felt like I didn't care a lot about those external factors. I was generally happy because I was generally happy with myself. And I got. Went through a traumatic experience and got stuck in a very negative place that I haven't found my way out of. And every. Every day, all the time, I feel, like, bad about just things in general. About myself. Yeah.

And if any emotions are coming up or present themselves, I invite you to welcome them. And what we know so far is your end game is to get back to that place of liking who you are and how you feel and being happy and enjoying your life again. And then talk to me about what is hurting you and what happened and where you're stuck. Let's just dive in.

I. One of the things that's hurting me the most right now is my being depressed and being. Not being unhappy has caused me to be a worse father than I had been before and to have. It's a paraphrase, a quote that I saw that no matter how hard it rains, I won't let my storm get my kids wet. And I am there. I get angrier faster than I used to. I used to be so patient. In my own eyes. I was one of the most patient people that I knew. And I. I don't have that anymore. I get frustrated and annoyed and I yell and I have so little desire to get up and do things that I. I still play with them, but not as much as I used to. And I know they know it. And they don't say anything. They don't tell me or ask why. Why don't you play with us anymore, Daddy? I. I do still play with them, but not as much. And I'm. It's not something they should have to experience. It shouldn't hurt them that I'm hurting. But it is. I know it is.

Jeremy, all the parents watching right now are healing as you share. And how old are your children?

My son is 7. My first daughter is 5. I have a second daughter that's a year and a half. And I have another due in August.

Okay, I wasn't aware of that. Wow. Do you know what you're having yet?

Not for sure, but pretty sure it's a boy.

Wow. So, Jeremy I would love to invite you to close your eyes if you feel comfortable, and just take three grounding, cleansing breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth. And as you breathe and ground, I just want to say to you what an exceptionally great parent you are for even being aware of your impact on your children, for having such high standards of who you want to be for them and what you want to model and what you want to show them is possible for them, not what you want to show them could limit them. You're more of an amazing parent than I think you realize. And I just want you to take a moment to breathe into the truth that almost no parents think about is the storm I'm in having a negative ripple on my children. We think they're so little, they don't get it yet, or they're not aware because we're not telling them what's going on inside of us. We think we're so much better actors than we really are so much of the time, I think, especially as parents. And that doesn't mean anyone out there that hadn't thought about this yet is doing anything wrong. It's just such powerful leadership that you're modeling here. So with that being said, what is it that's actually hurting you? Because I want you to consider that depression very simply, and this is a real diagnosis. This is something that I have been diagnosed with and gone through and healed through myself. Major depressive disorder. So I'm not saying isn't really real, but at the root, all depression is, is shutting down the truth of who you are and shutting down the emotions that are very real that you haven't either known how to process, express, and move through, or you've avoided. So instead of processing and moving through these emotions, you just shut them down. So depression means shutting down you, your truth, your emotions, what it is that would be right and correct for you when it's buried. That's where depression comes from. So I just want you to consider that depression is a symptom. It's not the problem. So I want to know what the problem is.

I'm. I'm not sure I know what the root problem is and myself.

Okay, Are you open to some questions that will help us find it? And do you see what I mean about. Depression is more of a symptom and a way that you're coping that's keeping you in hell, but it's how you're managing and coping, and it's the result of something unidentified right now. It's not actually the Issue. What's that like to consider?

It's not brand new. I've. I've thought about things along those lines before. I just, um. I feel like it's processing it that I'm having a lot of trouble with.

Okay. What I want to suggest is that again, if you feel comfortable closing your eyes as I ask these next questions, might be helpful in us getting to the answer. Are you comfortable with that? Are you open to that?

Yes.

So I'm going to have you close your eyes, take one more deep, cleansing breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. For everybody watching. Join us so that you can get closer to a root of whatever it is that could be causing you stress, stuck suffering. Even if it's just a whisper, let's just look for it. What's in the way? So, Jeremy, the good news that I'm hearing is that you're not a stranger to. To being happy and to enjoying your life. So what I want to suggest is if you've had that experience already, because so many people don't even know what happiness would be like, you already do. So if you know that you're capable of being happy, I just want to invite you to consider before we do anything else, we can get you back there. And we can not only get you back there, it can be even better than what you thought your best could be. Do you buy that?

Yes.

Great. So I want you to consider that pain and trauma, they begin in a moment, and they can also end in a moment. It doesn't have to take a lot of time. You use the word trauma earlier. Would you please share with me what happened? What was the trauma that you believe changed everything? Let's just start there. And then while you have your eyes closed, I want you to do your best to let your spirit, your highest self, answer, not your mind. Our mind tries to rationalize and justify and figure out what in the actual hell is going on here. And it's not that useful or helpful. I want you to let your body, your soul, your spirit, the truth of who you are, talk. Okay. So what happened that you feel like. Changed everything? I.

Discovered that my wife was having an affair.

Okay. And I want you to keep breathing. Is there anything else you want to say about that? I.

Said that I used to be generally pretty happy. And I. I was. But not real happy. I. Not sure why that was something that I focused so much on, but being younger, I felt like the. I felt like the one thing. I realize it probably wasn't the only thing now, but Then I thought the one thing that I. I wanted, that I was missing to be really happy was a woman that I loved loving me back. And then I. I feel like when I made that discovery, I lost that. And that was years of my life that I felt that was what was missing. And then after having it, or at least thinking that I did, I lost it. And it felt like losing part of myself.

What is the part of yourself that you feel like you lost or that you've been believing you lost?

Part of my heart.

Breathe into that. What's the part of your heart that you lost?

I feel like that question shouldn't be as hard to answer.

You're doing perfect. Ask your body. Ask your heart to tell you. What part of you did I disconnect from? Did I lose?

Basically, it feels like the top of my heart.

Okay.

Emotionally, it was the. The happiness that I had been looking for, the. Like, I had been missing a puzzle piece, and now it just. It feels like my heart is a whole, that there's a void where being happy used to be.

Thank you so much for your courage and vulnerability and answer the. Answering these questions. So. So. So stay with me. What void did your marriage to your wife fulfill that gave you happiness that was there before her? Do you follow my question?

Could you say it again?

Mm. I want you to consider that. Basically, here's how I'm hearing it. Tell me if this feels accurate. Your wife filled a hole that was there that you never wanted to feel again with that hole being filled with her being that puzzle piece. Before you found out about the affair, you felt this sense of happiness and joy and that you had wanted. That was a dream that finally had come true. But what I'm asking is, what was the void she felt that was there before she came into the picture, that came back after you found out she had the affair? Does that make sense?

I think so. A strong desire for romantic love.

And what were your fears around this strong desire for romantic love before your wife came into the picture and in essence, proved to you that you were lovable?

That I wasn't.

Okay. Breathe into that.

I would always have that missing piece.

So take a deep breath. Tell me what you're feeling.

I think that was my biggest fear about that, was that that piece would always be missing.

So keep feeling and keep breathing and consider that our pain without us meaning to. We commit to it. So basically, what I want to suggest to you is all that happened is you grew up with a belief that you weren't lovable, and all that's happened here is you're looking for evidence to prove yourself right, that you weren't going to get your dream, that you weren't going to ever be lovable enough, that you had this season of false hope and then everything crumbled around you and you went back to see I'm not lovable. And that's our problem. How does that feel? Does that feel accurate?

Mostly it feels like I was afraid of that before, but I always had the. The hope and almost the expectation that eventually I would find that peace and to have it gone again. I feel like I slid backwards past where I used to be. Almost like. Like I didn't have confirmation of that before, and now I do.

And then that got taken and you lost it.

And having that. That hope that I would find the peace allowed me to generally happy and then getting confirmation that. That I wasn't lovable.

Yeah.

And it kind of killed that hope that was allowing me to be happier before.

Okay, we have got to address this, because what I'm saying, you're saying just in a different way. You've been in a commitment to proving it right, that you're not lovable, even though you want so badly to give and receive, you know, and you want to receive at the level with which you give. You want reciprocity. Yes.

Yes.

Okay. So is there any part of you that is bought into the idea that if we don't deal with your core belief that you're not lovable, it won't matter what a woman in your life does or doesn't do? Because you're only going to be able to see evidence to support this worldview, this belief that you're not lovable. So what would it be like, Jeremy, to be so unshakably whole and so healed in this area that you know how lovable you are? No matter what another person does or whatever they don't do, it doesn't. Do you hear how much power your wife has right now over you?

Yes.

She is not. And I'm not saying that she isn't a gorgeous, beautiful person. You know, she's human. We're all human. We all make mistakes. We all make choices that are coming from our wounds, not the truth of who we are when our wounds aren't healed. So, you know, I'm going to stick with you for a minute. We'll get to her later. But I want you to see that if she's got the power to make or break your happiness, your joy, your fulfillment, your ability to look forward, your life, we Have a problem. You with me here? So we've got back to this wound. So you quit creating evidence to support it, no matter how much you don't want that to be your reality. That's our issue. Okay?

Yes.

So what we're going to do is we're going to keep going here, we're going to go deeper and we're going to address the part of you that is so convinced you're not going to be lovable. How old is that? Do you have any guesses? And again, get out of your head. Let that top part of your heart where it feels so broken right now guide you because your heart is still whole. It just doesn't feel like it. So what. What's the age that you made up your mind that you are not lovable?

I was young. I would guess 10 or 10 to 12 years old.

You just guess? Just pick one. Pick an age.

10.

What happened that you decided you weren't lovable when you were 10?

I don't know. I don't. I don't remember any specific thing happening.

Do you remember anything you wanted that you didn't get?

I don't.

You're doing great. Tell me more about life at 10. What was going on at home, in your world, in your environment? Or is it just all blank.

At, I mean, 10? I was still in elementary school. I had good friends, had a good family. I did well in school. That was. I believe I was skiing by then. I was in martial arts at that time. I rode my bike a lot.

You're doing great. Thank you so much for being with us. We're going to continue our work with Jeremy and just know that the emotions that we want to fight, resist and blame our extra experience on and our reality on, they are the answer. They are the medicine. So we're going to keep going. We're going to explore what's possible next week with Jeremy. Thank you for being here. Visit rebeccasilence.com if you want more information on how you can work with me privately or take my courses that are life and game changing. For sure, we will see you soon. Healing isn't promised, but it's possible for me, for you and for all of us. Bye for now.