Overcoming Grief and Guilt After the Loss of a Loved One

Okay.

Welcome, Sarah, to our Healing Is Possible page and community and to our breakthrough session this morning. Thanks so much for your courage and for your willingness to be here.

Thank you for having me.

Please tell us. You're so welcome. What it is that you would like to heal and break through in our time together. And for everyone watching, we know we're not going to solve it all in 30 minutes, but we're going to create some movement. And as you witness Sarah doing her work, I invite you to focus on how is her work support supporting you and your healing as well. How can you relate? As I ask her questions, consider taking out a journal and pen and answering for yourself, Byron. Katie says there's no new suffering. We're all in it together. I believe that as well, especially in the year 2020. So Sarah will be doing work for all of us. And Sarah, tell us what it is that you would like to heal and break through today.

Well, we. We talked about how I've had a lot of loss in my life in general with all sorts of different people that I've had relationships with. And so I have a lot of grief about that, which I'm trying to work through. But also then with the grief comes some guilt about what could have been or should have been or that I maybe could have done better, which is hard because you can't go back.

Tell me more about I can't go back. Let's try to have you really connecting to your experience, because guilt and grief and loss are things that I don't know anybody on the planet who couldn't relate to grief and guilt and loss. And your experience is unique and different. So I'd like for you to really own what you mean when you say you can't go back and connect it to I can't go back.

There. When I was 15, I had a friend who I had moved, and we just stayed connected. I mean, we weren't that far apart, but he made the effort. You know, his mom would drive him out here, I would go to his soccer games out here, stuff like that. Just like a really good, genuine person. And he ended up committing suicide. And a hard thing for me to understand is that he was so happy. He was a star athlete, like, you know, pretty good student. And you just. You never know when someone's dealing with something beyond what you can even fathom that they're dealing with, especially if they don't tell you. But. So something that bothers me, and I finally was able to admit earlier this year through some work, is I Had meant to call him the day before it all happened and I got busy and I, you know, you can't say, oh, that would have changed it. But the not knowing is, I think, what creates the guilt.

The not knowing what. What could have been.

Right. Whether. Whether or not had I, you know, followed through with my thought process, like, oh, yes, I just want to call him quick. Maybe he would have said, hey, I'm feeling some type of way.

Or maybe you would have gotten to say, hey, I'm feeling some type of way.

Yeah.

What hurts the most, Sarah, that you would like healing around this morning? This is a lot.

I think that I never got to tell these people how I fully felt about them.

Who are these people? We have your friend. What was their name?

Bert and my stepfather, Bob. Those are two that really stick out for me most often, I think because they were the two closest people that I lost and felt like I never fully opened up.

Okay, wow. Now, were these the two closest men to you?

Maybe. I have two brothers and my oldest brother is my best friend still. You know, like, my dad was around, but it was a. He was. When I was younger, he was an alcoholic, so that's always tough. But. So, yeah, my. I think my stepfather definitely provided that, like, real father figure for him or for me.

And Bert was a cool male friend.

Yeah.

And you didn't necessarily see it coming.

Not at all.

Okay. Is that. I don't know, your story is that similar with Bob, like, not seeing it coming, that the loss.

He was. He was. My stepfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and it was stage four by the time we found out. So I know it's bad anyway, but at stage four, you know, they gave him six months. He made it almost to a year. So knowing that we were going to lose him obviously wasn't. It wasn't sudden, but I think over the years that I didn't realize how much it would have actually affect me.

Yeah. And I think this is an extremely important point you're making. Even if we quasi know something is coming, you can't really prepare for the emotional aftermath.

Yeah.

And it sounds like there's still some emotional unpacking to do around moving through the grief, guilt and loss.

Yeah.

So if we today have you fully open up to Bert and Bob, how would that be a healing for you?

I think maybe allowing myself to admit why I feel these feelings about feeling guilty about not opening up, that it'll help me understand it myself. Okay. Maybe hearing that somebody else is dealing with the same thing, you know, yeah. Reassurance is a huge word for me right now. And you can. You need reassurance with everything. Even if you know what you're doing is right or whatever someone else saying, oh, yeah, that's a good idea. That always makes you feel a little bit better.

Tell me what the word reassurance means to you.

Like safe.

Reassurance is safe. Is it possible that you fully opening up to Bert and Bob to the best of your ability today would provide you with a new tool called being able to reassure yourself?

Yes.

See, when we need reassurance outside of ourselves, we're like an empty black hole, void, bottomless pit that is never going to get filled up.

Right.

Right. Believe me, I've been there. You know, feeling alone on an island, wanting validation, and it's just never enough.

Right. Validation is a great alternative to.

So I'm getting chills. What if we take on you reassuring yourself, fully opening up for you for your healing.

Right.

How does that feel?

It feels like definitely a direction that I'd like to go in because not like, I know you can count on other people, but you have to be able to trust yourself first. You have to know that you can do whatever and get through whatever, whether you have anybody else helping or not or alone for the ride. If you don't trust yourself to get through it, it just makes it that much harder.

Do you notice how you're using this word, you instead of I?

Yes. I'm a classic helper person. So I, like, want everybody to feel better.

And I just want to invite you during your time with me to really own your experience, because that, I believe, is one of the strongest ways that you can help is just modeling your vulnerable, real, raw and messy truth and healing.

I agree.

So I just want to notice that I'm not making it wrong, but I also see you statements as a diversion from connecting to what's truly your experience.

Yeah.

So as we connect to Bert and connect to Bob here in a second, I would just really invite you to fully own. I am sharing what I'm sharing.

Okay.

Connect to you in this moment, and let's see what happens.

Okay.

Would you like to start with Bert or with Bob?

It doesn't matter.

Well, sure it does.

I feel like I almost have to start with Bert because I was like the domino.

All right, let's breathe. And whatever feels more comfortable. Eyes open or closed? Okay. But what I welcome is whatever comes out. I invite you to not edit and to really connect to your body as you share. You were 15. You lost someone you cared about. You didn't see it coming. It's hard at any age to lose someone close to suicide. But 15? And a friend. So whenever you're ready, I invite you to say what you want to say and feel it as you share.

Like, to him or about. Okay.

Do you have a space in the room you're in that you could just imagine him?

Yeah.

So take a few moments. See him. Connect to him. Don't worry about us. What do you want to say?

Just that I wish I knew that he had any hurt inside.

And so, Sarah, you're doing great. Tell him, Bert. I wish I knew. Let's get real personal here so that there isn't this experience of words left unsaid.

So I wish that I knew how badly you were hurting inside and that you knew that I was there for any of it, to listen or work through it with you. And I wish that I told you how much you meant to me, because I never thought I wasn't going to have that opportunity.

Feel that. What else? Stay with them. What else? All of it. Let's just get it all out.

Just that it meant so much to me that you took the time out of your life to continue to be in mine, because not everybody did. Then.

How did he show up for you? Tell him. Remind him.

Physically. I mean, you came to my house, picked me up, didn't just invite me places. Like, literally the act of keeping yourself involved in my life. So it was a physical action and not just words.

Keep feeling. Is there more? What do you need to say to release any guilt?

I think that I'm. I'm sorry. I didn't do it back. Like, I didn't go back there. I didn't go back to where I moved from. I didn't go back to our hometown to see you. And I didn't keep up that communication.

Sarah, would it feel genuine to share how he has stayed with you over the years?

It's actually really crazy how much, like, I don't know what I believe, but I feel him around me. I do. A lot, actually. And I think that's partially why it keeps happening for me, because I do tell him.

I see. And when you feel him around, is that empowering? Is it scary? Is it helpful? What's it like for you? Tell him when you feel him around, what it's like for you.

It's very comforting.

Would you like to thank him for that comfort?

Yes. Thank you for continuing to show up for me.

Wow. Sarah, do you have a wish for him?

I hope that it doesn't hurt anymore.

Feel that? And what do you want for him? What do you wish?

Never ending. Baseball games.

Does that feel complete? I know this is just the beginning, but is there more? Or does that feel complete?

It feels good. Sometimes. I never know if it's complete, but it feels more complete than it did. Okay. Progress.

What about Bob? Where are we going to put him? And I invite you to do the same thing. Connecting to him. See him. Share with him. What do you need to say?

Just in a. In a cognizant mind. I wanted to tell you that I loved you and how much you meant to me. Because I waited until the end. When I know that you heard me. But I don't know that it sunk in. And I wish that I said it more often.

Tell him no.

That you literally shaped my life. And I don't think I'd be where I am without everything that you provided to me. Whether it was like, business talk or teaching me about football. I just want you to see what I've done for myself and how far I've come. Because it's a long way from the college kid that you saw.

Tell him. How far have you come? Filling in.

I work for your best friend's company. And it's amazing. And I do really well for myself. And I take care of my nieces and nephews that you didn't get to meet. And they would love you so much. And I know that you're proud, but I think it just goes back to that reassurance. Like I'll never hear him say it, even though I know.

What would you want to hear him say to you?

I think just that I'm so proud of you.

Okay. Is there any more that you want to say to Bob right now before I switch gears with you?

Just thank you for everything that you brought into our life.

Do you have a wish for him?

No. Because I think he had a good life. I think he was taken too soon. But I think that he definitely was what I try to be. You know? Live without regret. Do what you want to do and do it unapologetically. Because someone's going to judge you. So you might as well do what you want.

Do you feel complete right now, then? With Bob?

For now.

Okay. So let's try something. Okay. I am proud of me. Can you say that?

Yeah. I am proud of me. I am.

And if that were fully true, I.

Wouldn'T need validation from anyone else.

So it could be. You get it? It could be. In a lot of ways, you are Proud of yourself? But what's the real disconnect?

I don't know if this is a reach, but that I didn't have any of that validation growing up.

So it's like the adult gets it, but the inner child, not so much.

Yeah.

What age is it?

Six.

Okay. Can you see her at six? You in your mind?

Yeah.

I'm gonna invite you to do something. Might seem a little uncomfortable, but are you? Are you willing to try? You put your arm around her and you look at her. What do you see?

Just like this kid that just wants to be so great but doesn't know where to start.

Will you look at her? Stay with her. When we were kids, do you remember the milk commercials where the little kid would drink milk and look in the mirror and see themselves when they were all big and strong and grown up?

Yeah.

I want you to imagine we have this badass Sarah, the adult about to film the milk commercial with her and her six year old. Can you see the six year old looking at you?

Yes.

Will you be the Sarah that lets her know how it's going to turn out? What do you want her to hear? Be with her.

That I can feel all of the pain that you're gonna feel. But it all works out and it gets better. And every time that it doesn't make sense, just understand that it will and you're going to grow from it.

What do you want her to know about guilt and grief and loss?

That it really sucks. But it's important, and it's really important to allow yourself to feel it because otherwise it's just going to hold you captive. And also I think that guilt is just. It's something that we create ourselves because we feel a certain way about it or, you know, like that we could have done more, but maybe we did. Maybe at that time we did all we could. I did all I could.

And she's with you. What are you feeling?

How simple it was when I was six.

Anything else you want to say to her now? I have a homework assignment.

Not right now.

So it was simple at 6 and it wasn't right. And it's simple now and it's not right. One of the things I like to say about the work I do with people is it is simple. That doesn't make it easy.

That's fair.

Right? But it is simple. And fortunately or unfortunately, easy is what we're comfortable with. But sometimes easy isn't easier in the long run. Today we took a dive into the beginning of you healing guilt and grief and loss. And taking on being the source of your own reassurance. I'd love to hear any big takeaways and or questions that you have before we end. And then I would like to offer you an assignment to further integrate the work we began, which obviously we know is just the beginning, but it's a start and it's movement.

Yeah. I think the biggest takeaway for me, whether I knew it or not, is I have always had this thirst for validation or reassurance and I never really knew why. And I think now I'm starting to realize it's just that it's me. I'm just unsure of myself or what I'm doing or whatever. And I just need to get to that spot where if someone says they're proud of me, I'm going to say thanks, me too. That's great. But I'm already proud.

I would invite you to own that more like you're saying. And then also I would invite you to get willing to really own it in the moments that you're not proud and you're unsure and that need and thirst for validation is really real and loud. I would invite you to get willing to get uncomfortable in those moments instead of trying to just quick fix it or bullshit yourself into believing a reality that isn't true for you. In a moment you get it. And then it's okay to be unsure. And if you want, in the moments you're unsure, own that. If you want in the moments where you're not feeling proud of yourself, own that. In my experience, there will be more empty.

Right.

Carrying get through that moment. Does that resonate?

Yeah, I agree.

So we got to be able to go into the dark.

I think I try to keep myself out of the dark because I, I lived there. I can relate and I don't want to live there anymore.

It doesn't need to haunt you.

Right.

It doesn't go away until we can face it.

Yeah.

So there's more here. Any question?

Now I know.

For homework, I would invite you to take your time and write the six year old a love letter. And you fill her up with the words you needed someone to say to you. You're going to come in and almost be that figure you were hoping for.

Okay.

How does that feel?

Good.

Do you see value in that assignment?

Yeah, 100%.

Okay. I would like to invite you to challenge yourself to do this within 48 hours.

Okay.

Ride off the momentum of today. I'm available for further work with you if that feels supportive, but take your time with that. Six year old. And I would say your next step is to get support in facing the uncomfortable. Because guilt's easier, right?

That makes a lot of sense.

Sarah. Thank you.

Thank you for your courage.

My pleasure. What's one word? Give us one word. How you're leaving us this morning.

Empowered.

Thank you, Sarah.

Thank you.