Overcoming the Fear of Rejection and Putting Yourself Out There.

Welcome, Andrew, to our very first Hot seat Healing is possible breakthrough session. Thank you so much for being here with us this morning.

Welcome, Dharm.

Yeah. Let's just begin. My understanding is that you would like to coach on the fear of rejection today. Do I have that right?

Sure. Please.

Can you tell us a little bit about this breakthrough you want to have this morning?

Sure. Yeah. I've been venturing to start my own practice in coaching myself, and I have been a coach probably my whole life, since, like, middle school, actually. I was called Coach Mead in high school. So I left kind of leadership and business to do more or less holistic, integrative practice. And I have a half dozen clients, but I've really not spent any energy the last three months since I left my last firm. And so letting that go completely and, like, really stepping into a powerful, like, practice and, you know, building a client base. And I'm just finding, like, with this fear of, like, really putting myself out there, right? Like, really saying, this is what I am doing, this is who I am, has just been kind of, like, holding me back from, you know, doing that.

So you are an integrative, holistic coach, and you're wanting to spread your message and create a practice in a new way, is what I'm hearing. Do I have that right?

Yeah.

And then there's a fear of putting yourself out there, which, what I heard from you yesterday, you were calling it more like a fear of rejection. Do we have that right?

Yeah. Yeah. Just what are people gonna think? How are they gonna react? Like, what. What is. Yeah, just there's a lot wrapped up into it, you know, identity stuff.

Let's dive into it. Let's dive into it. Tell me about the identity stuff.

Well, I think it's having to do with a lot of stuff, but I think it's just. It may have to do with, like, not really showing up in my last couple of jobs where I was just, like, not aligned and not feeling powerful enough to really say, like, this is what I need or this is what I want. And so I felt like, has, you know, I'm trying to move into this phase of just giving my gift to the world, that I see it transform people's lives, and yet I get, I mean, all this amazing feedback from people that I work with, but yet, for some reason, that isn't translated to me to asking and inviting more people to, you know, to get what they want, you know, out of it. And so it's that. That fear of just completely giving my gift to the world without Expectation. Right. And, you know, whether it's, you know, financial, like the identity as a provider and our family or sort of, you know, identity within our faith community, you know, oh, he's, you know, kind of weird that way or whatever the, whatever that the case may be. But, you know, it just feels like I'm having a hard time being really straightforward and honest about like what I'm about. And so I think that's where in the past, I think I've always been like the chameleon, like, oh, I'm going to adapt to this person and be a little this way and just more slippery about like who I am to try to try to make anyone and everyone happy.

Okay, I'm hearing. I want to say it back to you to make sure I have it right. So there's a part of you that really wants to help people get what they want. And then there's a fear around powerfully saying what you need and what you want.

Yeah, that's it. Yep.

Okay, so can we just start there? And I think so. So many people, right. You are not alone in this, can relate to a fear of powerfully putting themselves out there, saying what they need, saying what they want. For me, recently I've been looking at having a fear also around saying when I don't have it, like I want to be in a position to have this, be ready to accomplish this, but I. I don't actually have it. So I think part of this too can be the flip side. Right. Like not just being willing to say what we need and what we want, but also being able to say, wait a minute, I need help.

I spent two years in the last job trying to say, hey, I need administrative support. And then, you know, told so many different ways to figure it out, do it myself, whatever. And then finally it's like done. And so now, since I'm my own boss, I have no one to blame but me.

Well, and how cool that foundationally you've got your environment set up as a platform to take this night's sleep. But let's jump into the healing breakthrough and let's take it off for a minute. If you're open of your business, back to that and just get to the heart of this emotional experience you're in that, as you already said earlier, you can see is not just impacting career but other areas as well.

Yeah, for sure.

So would you feel comfortable closing your eyes?

Yeah.

Ok. I'm going to invite you to close your eyes and I want you to breathe into what where this fear of powerfully saying what you need and want is stuck in your body.

Okay. Yeah, it's kind of this spot here. I guess it's solar plexus kind of area here just below my lungs. It almost feels like it constricts breathing. Like, even if I focus on my breathing, it's like, wow, this is more work than it should be. It's kind of right. You can't see that right here.

Yeah. So I'm. I'm feeling it right there with you, Andrew. So if you feel comfortable and it feels genuine, I'd like you to close your eyes again and just really connect to this spot. And then just give me a nod when you're really connected to it.

Yeah, I'm connected to it. It's kind of relaxing now that I'm putting my intention on it.

Okay. And right now I just want to invite you to just be with it. And do I have permission to ask you some questions that may take this a little bit deeper?

Yeah.

Okay. So breathe into the spot. I want you to keep your eyes closed, and I want you to tell me what shape is this stuck in your solar plexus that's housing the fear of powerfully standing for what you need and want. Does it have a shape?

Yeah, it's like, kind of like oval shape. Yeah.

And does it have a texture or a color?

Yeah, it was. It's kind of like a rock, but with, like, grooves. That sounds weird, but like. Like the way killmonger's skin looked in all the bumps on Black panther. It's like a. It's smooth, but it's. But it's got system, you know, sort of bumps in a pattern around it.

And is it solid like a rock?

Yeah.

All right. Stay with it for me, please. If there was a stuck emotion inside of this rock, what would it be?

Yeah, some kind of shame, like hiding.

Stay with us. Can you tell me more?

Yeah, I guess it's. Yeah, it's. It's kind of like if I just. If I just stay hidden, it'll. It'll be okay. Or if I just. I think if I just hide, it'll go away. I won't have to be afraid not to get, like, yelled at or be made wrong or. Yeah, be. Kind of Just want to be afraid.

Stay with me. And if it feels comfortable, I'd like you to keep your eyes closed and just stay with us. What's happening to the rock in your solar plexus now as you're sharing?

Yeah, it's shrinking. It's like an Egg's shape or size instead of like a bigger rock about the size of my hand.

I'd like yet to ask you some more questions. That's okay. Andrew, how old do you feel when you're talking about and connecting to the shame and the experience of hiding? What age is this that you're in?

It feels about five or six. I mean, I'm small enough to hide in one particular closet that had a bar that we could little do flips over like a bar for hangers. But I must be pretty small, like, you know, liking to be, you know, I am, like I said, feeling safe, just kind of being quiet and alone in that dark, you know, quiet space. I can picture another time as a teenager in the morning before getting going in school and all the stresses of everything I was trying to do and accomplish. I'm also like, in the dark, quiet, just hear the sounds of the furnace. Like. But that first one I think was like five.

So are you literally remembering being in an actual closet that you were in around age 5? Are you available for me to ask you some questions about that and take you back there?

Yeah.

Okay. So are you just remembering the closet or are you in a specific moment in time and memory right now?

Well, yeah, I mean, I'm thinking of the house we lived in and I'm not able to think of too much that's going on. If I'm six, I'm six and a half. My brother's being born, so maybe that might have been a pivotal moment of like, being afraid of how to handle a newborn baby or what. What do I do now? Or I'm not going to get my needs met. So I'm going to go here and just hide and be alone and feel some, you know, kind of comfort, quiet.

Did that actually happen, Andrew, when your brother was born, you would go into the closet?

Yeah, I would. Sometimes I would actually go hide on our main floor to like, get as far away from him as possible to not wake him up when he was asleep because I was always like worried about him napping and trying to like, help the family dynamic by being really quiet and still so he wouldn't be disturbed. And then I'm noticing that I get upset with my boys around that and disturbing our baby.

You have a new baby right now?

Yeah.

Okay, so is it age five or is it age six and a half?

Yeah, I think I'm like six. Yeah, seven. I remember a lot of anxiety at school and coming in that age. And second or first? I don't know. I guess yeah, Had a pretty grumpy first grade teacher. So that would have been six.

So does it feel aligned to call it age six?

Yeah.

Okay, so at age six what I'm hearing is that you would go into a closet and what was your experience in the closet? Was an experience of feeling safer there? Was it an experience of being afraid in there? What was the experience of you in the closet? I'd like for you to just see as the man you are today, the six year old boy in the closet and connect to him. And while you're doing that, I'd like you to keep breathing into. Now what we've got is an egg in your solar plexus.

Yeah, it just was a place of safety really. Just a place of quiet and no like pressure to be anyone or anything for anybody. Like I didn't have to like, you know, make anyone happy or you know, try to, I don't know, play or entertain my sisters or take care of my brother. It was just this like retreat from the world. It was like a really. Yeah. Peaceful place. Just that I could go and didn't matter where I, whether I shut my eyes off or had them open. I just liked that it was completely dark and, and kind of cooler and. Yeah, cooler, quieter. Just. It just felt really calming.

What's happening in your solar plexus now?

Yeah, it's mostly gone away. I've sort of like. I don't feel like indigestion or like a stuck. That felt like a big stone was like they're making it harder to breathe.

So stay with that. Feel this. What's that emotion that you're connecting to right now?

I feel like it's more of a acceptance, you know, of myself or whatever showing up. It's like, like there's almost like there's nothing to be ashamed of, you know, like yeah, there's, yeah, there's safe safety here and yeah, just more, more of a freedom to be myself again.

So thank you. Andrew, I'd like you to look at that little guy in the close.

And.

I'm going to invite you to walk into the closet with them and just make eye contact. Tell me when you're seeing you at six as the man today.

Okay, I see him.

Tell us what you see and tell him what you see.

Well, you, you fit in here real nice. I can only kind of squeeze my head and shoulders in so. Wow, this is like a great little spot you've found. And yeah, I would just ask him what he likes about that space and that closet and you know if it's what he uses it for or what, you know. Yeah. Andy, what, what's this closet that you've found? I see you guys have cleared some stuff out so you can just like your fort or your like control center or like a hiding place. What's the spot for? And I feel like he would say it's just a place to be quiet and not get yelled at and. Yeah, be, be safe and quiet and just alone with my thoughts. Yeah.

Andrew, here with this emotion, keep breathing through it and feeling. We teach as integrative holistic coaches that feeling is access to healing. Thank you for doing your work and modeling feel to heal so beautifully for all of us in this healing as possible community. I'd like to ask you now what you want and if it feels genuine. Keep your eyes closed. Keep looking at little Andy. Stay right here. What do you want him to know as the man now about hiding out? This has worked for you, Andrew. And what if waiting is just another word for hiding? Right? What if hiding has been valuable and served you and certainly helps that little guy survive his childhood? Right now you have a message. You are a gifted coach. I happen to know that personally. Now you have a message. And so while hiding has been valuable and has been a part of your survival, that coping skill, that way of rescuing yourself, right. Is in the way of you giving your gifts and talents. So let's talk to Andy now about what you want him to know about hiding so that the six year old isn't the one designing and leading in your new business so that man can be in charge. Does this resonate?

Yeah. Yeah, totally.

What do you want him to know? Like Andy, here's what I want you to know about hiding, man.

Yeah, Andy, here's what I want you to know about hiding is it's okay for a moment or minute or even an hour if you need to, to start your day or to finish it. But man, there's so much out there to experience. There's so many games to play with your friends and with new friends and there's just such an incredible group of people out there just waiting for you to discover their game and to, you know, play kick the can and to play ball or to play baseball to. To connect that want to know you, that want to hear your story, that want to relate to the way you've hidden and then be released from whatever it is that's holding them back, whatever it is they're hiding from, whatever they're waiting on, the dream that they're seeing around. So Andy, it's okay to take a moment or a minute to rest and to clear and to get grounded to your truth and the gift that you have. And so there's no shame in your gift. There's no fear. There's only presence and power and you just have a real beauty and love for the world that people want. And so I just invite you out of this closet, Andy, to share that with others, to share who you are and to not fear anyone. To be at peace with who you are and how you operate and give you agency and license to be the decision maker in your life. Like you get to choose and not get angry about it. You don't need to be angry when you feel your voice has been cut off or your choices that you are actually in control with co creating with the creator, with the universe about what you want in your life and that you do have the power to decide and make decisions and move forward powerfully and then admit when you screwed up, it's okay to screw up and, and to keep moving forward and to rest in that and to know that, yeah, when you feel that stuck point again, it's okay. Just recognize it and breathe into it, feel it, heal it, breathe it out. Yeah.

And please don't, in those moments of fear, reject your gifts, voice or your power.

Yeah.

One of the things I'm teaching inspired results, coaching around healing is faith. But it's not faith. It's not in a deity or something bigger than us. While I do believe in that as well, when I'm talking about faith in terms of it being an ingredient to create inspired results, what I'm talking about is faith in your vision. So, Andrew, how I'd like us to end is I'd like you to tell us with your eyes open or closed, what is your vision now as the man you are? Let's let Andy out of the closet knowing that's been a safe space. So of course the adult man would want to default there when he gets scared because that's what you've known. But now we're grow, right? Your ability to cope with fear, specifically your fear of rejection. And I'm going to offer you an opportunity to really stand for your faith right now in front of all of us in your vision. Because that's what you can come back to. Especially as you grow. The world will criticize, the world will critique. There will be no's, there will be rejection and opportunities to experience rejection. But if you can hold tight to your faith and your vision and if you can hold tight to your gifts and the power of your gifts. You will make your difference. So tell us about your vision, please.

Yeah, My vision is to help people source and achieve their goals from a place of love versus fear. And so that the transformation, like their personal transformation is possible. And then they're freed up to imagine first of all and then create a life they love. Like they're actually in love with their life, with themselves, with their partner, with their families, their community. Just that, you know, true transformation and tide of calling, you know, career that they've chosen this in the moment they're in and then their community as well. So I think we could use that.

Kelly to do for a homework assignment is write to me about your. Your vision. Be as specific as possible.

Yeah.

How it looks. Here's how my days go. Here's the target audience. I want you to get really clear on your vision. Does that feel supportive?

Yeah, totally.

Include two key things in your vision. I'd like for you, please, to include what you need and what you want so that you can make your most powerful impact. This in writing, not just about them, because that's the old game. What do you need and what do you want to be able to serve on the level that you want to serve? And then I personally want to support you outside of this call in making this practice happen.

Fantastic.

To the world. How does this feel?

Yeah. 30 hours a week. It's already up top of my mind. And then a support team around it to make it all go. Yeah. Thank you.

Oh, you're so welcome. I'd like to end with one more piece. I want to hear your biggest takeaways and the one action step that you know you're going to take after this call.

The biggest takeaway is to listen to my body. Like to actually check in with it regularly. You know, I'm thinking three times a day because meals are easy to remember. But so, yeah, listen to my body and feel what I feel. And then my. My action step is to. Well, it's already on my schedule for this Friday to call a person that I want to do some administrative work with me and then build like an actual schedule 30 hours a week. Because Tuesday and Thursday, I'm teacher dad now. And so how to create that from just this place of love for everything, for what is.

I hope that one of your takeaways from this session with me is to please not hide your power.

Yeah.

Connect to it. Let the world take you or leave you, Andrew.

Yeah, that's what I think of when I think of administrative person is they keep pushing me out. And so that wasn't the issue is I didn't have administrative. The issue was that I was hiding. And that was just my excuse. Yeah. Thank you.

We lowered the value of hiding so that we can raise the value on you giving your gifts to the planet. Underneath that fear of rejection was a six year old boy hiding out, thinking that was the right way to handle fear and shame. And it was. And that the adult man can make some different choices.

Yeah. Amen. Thank you.

You're so welcome. What are you feeling in your solar plexus now?

Yeah, just not even aware of it. Like I can sit up straight and not, you know, feel all this like restriction in terms of my breath, you know, my breathing. So yeah, just a lot more free.

Thank you for going for it. And in these hot seat sessions with me, everyone, we are not going to heal completely the pattern or the stuck, but we can create some movement. And Andrew, you modeled that for us all today. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your soul and your gifts.

You are welcome. Thank you.

Rebecca, next week. You are welcome. Andrew. Thanks everyone for tuning in and we'll see you again next week.