Paying Attention to Signs and Following Intuition | Getting Through Grief & Loss

Hot seat. Today we're talking about intuition, paying attention signs and grief and loss. I'm Rebecca Silence, creator of this healing is possible movement and show, and honored to be here today with a dear friend of mine, creator of Magical Soup, Amy. Amy Pinkener. I am, you know, just loving the synchronicity of how today's activity episode is even starting. For those who haven't been here before, the healing is possible hot seat. And our mission is to take you on a journey of hope and healing and to give you tools to really, really believe that healing is possible. We don't have to know how to do it, and we don't have to know, you know, when it's going to happen. But if we don't even have the belief that healing is possible, we get so stuck and toxic and limited so fast. So on this podcast, what we do is we interview healers, influencers, and leaders. And I also do breakthrough coaching with brave volunteers. So today we've got an influencer with a podcast and a gift who just got blindsided. And so we're going to do a little combo of some coaching, and then she's going to share her magic with us. And again, Amy, I'm so honored to have you. The Hot Seat is brought to you by rebeccasilents.com and my team. And with that being said, Amy, let's welcome you and dive in.

Thank you so much. I'm so thrilled to be here. I. I just. You're a wonderful soul and you've had an incredible journey, and I'm just, I'm so excited to. To be in the hot seat.

Yeah, I'm excited to have you and honored and, you know, let's just go. So, so tell us what, what's up? What are you bringing to the hot seat today? And just where are you at?

So I, I just found out that a dear friend has passed away, and it's one of those where, you know, my, My particular podcast stories that I tell are stories that are honoring the times that you listen to your intuition and you listen to that inner voice, and these magical synchronicities line up. And so it's a lot of fun and it's a lot of celebration of the. Those times when you're really connected to spirit and you're hearing spirit, and I'm sitting with the fact that I allowed the busyness of the world to interrupt that voice. And I'm, I. All last week, I kept hearing, you know, call this person, call this person, and I ignored it. And so now I'm Struggling with that. Right. Like there was an opportunity to have a conversation with this person before they passed. And, and I didn't.

Salad. So what is, what is the breakthrough or healing that would support you in our time together today? What would you. What would you like to receive?

I think thinking about how to, like, what, what. What are the ways in which I can reframe this particular thing so that I don't feel so horrible about it, number one. And number two, if you have any thoughts or advice on how to check in with yourself when you're, when you're too busy, do the things that are important.

Yeah. Awesome. Okay, so what is. Let's just, let's just go right here. Okay. What is the experience you're having that's so painful? Let's boil it down into an experience. Does that make sense to you? Yeah.

The experience that I'm having is that, is that I. And I. And I'm. I know. You know, this is probably a pretty common experience, right. When you lose someone suddenly and unexpectedly, you're like, what was that last communication that I had? And, and, and like, why wasn't I reaching out more frequently? Why didn't I, you know, and so there's that sense of, I guess, loss. There's not, you know, like, you want to feel complete in that relationship.

Okay.

And, and, and yeah, and I'm, I'm sad I missed that.

So you're feeling incomplete.

Yeah.

And then is there also. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but is there also just an element of self doubt or what is it that has you questioning?

I just, you know, I left. I loved this woman. So. And I guess, I guess I would like to have had the chance to connect with her one more time. She was, you know, she was.

A.

Little bit of a mother figure.

So what is that experience. Experience that you. That you didn't get to have the chance to connect one more time the way you wish you could have? What does that feel like?

Well, I mean, just when I'm with her, it's like a hug, you know, we just. She was just, you know, a very caring and light and warm person. And so I know that she's hearing me. I know that she knows this. I think it's just missing an opportunity to check in and, and see how she's doing, you know, to see how she's feeling. And, and, yeah. Yeah.

So it feels incomplete and like a missed opportunity.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. Especially because I was told to do it. I, I heard it. And, and the thing that's so wild about it is that not. Not only was I being told, not only was that voice telling me to reach out to her, but then yesterday, the day that she passed, so she gave me all of her plans. She was in a place where she didn't want to care for anything anymore. And I had mentioned that I wanted to start learning how to care for plants. And she gave me all of her plants, these incredible like, trees and beautiful plants. And her name is Fern. And yesterday I had someone, I had my mom show up at my house and give me a fern. And I'm like. I was so. I just like now when you look at it, I'm like, oh, my gosh. What? And in some ways it's really beautiful. Right. And in other ways, I'm like, why, why, why weren't you listening? Why weren't you listening?

Yeah. And let me ask you, what was your last interaction with her?

My last interaction with her was that I tried to call her and I got her voicemail and she texted me back. She had been not, not doing well physically. And she texted me back and said that she would call me later. And then I let that go.

And what was the time before that? What was the last interaction before that interaction? Oh.

She just, I mean, she was just. We talked, we talked about life and she had this trip planned and she likes to travel with her husband and wanted to hear how I was doing. You know, just, it was just like one of those lovely check ins where we were, you know, sharing what was going on in our life. And, you know, I think for both of us, whenever we talk to each other, our energetic vibration would lift, you know, and so, you know, by the end of the call, it's just like, oh my God, I love you so much, you know, so good talking to you.

Yeah. So that last interaction, is there any part of that that you wished had gone better or different?

No.

Okay, so I just want you to sit with that. So you asked about coaching around, reframing. We're not trying to be positive. I'm like the least positive person you'll ever meet. I don't care about positivity. I care about what's possible. Right. So it is possible. Just keep feeling this. You're gorgeous. This is such great work. That the last interaction you had was exactly the way you would have wanted it to go. It was.

Yeah, yeah.

Now if you would have taken, you know, that intuitive guidance and made the phone call, what would you have said or done? What, what left? What, what is left unsaid or incomplete? What are the missings?

Well, I guess if I had had the chance, I would have. I mean, I would have just told her how much she meant.

Are you open to going there right now?

I don't know. Yeah, Damian, I feel like I kind of am. I just. Yeah. I think I know that she probably was. You know, she hated being sick. She hated not feeling well. She was this incredibly vibrant woman.

Yeah.

And.

She probably.

You know, I wish I could have cheered her up.

Okay, so I'm just inviting you to say the things you didn't get to say. Now, what would you say is the plant behind you, one that she gave you?

No. It's so big. It's a giant fern.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's this giant fern.

It's amazing. So can you just imagine her with you in the room energetically, and just say what you need to say, Amy? Yeah.

And I've been. I've been talking to her for, like, since I found out, and, you know, I just. She was such a graceful and light and warm, lovely person who, you know, we just connected instantly. And I think that I just really want to honor what an inspiration she.

Yeah, she.

She is.

So what if we just talk to her like she's right here. Like you're talking to her right here, not about her, as if she's not right here.

Yeah. Fern, thank you so much for all of the support and love and encouragement. Yeah, I've loved. I loved all of our time together.

What has she taught you? How has she changed your life?

Oh, she taught me how to be, like, this incredibly active and fun loving person. You know, like her. Her style and her willingness to just try anything and, you know, she's an older woman, but, oh, my God, could she hang with the best of us, dancing yoga and. And she just. Yeah, it was. It was an inspiring thing to see, you know?

How. How will she live on through you?

Well, a. I get to. I get to think about her all the time whenever I care for my plants, which is lovely. And I think that. Yeah, I think. I think that I can. I can recreate that feeling of love and support that she gave me anytime, really, you know, just by thinking about her.

Did she give you a new experience of love and support that you hadn't had before?

It was. Yeah, it was a different kind of maternal love.

So now you've got that as a new baseline.

Yeah.

What would Fern say to you about missed opportunity?

She laugh at me? Yeah, she'd think I'm being silly.

What would she say?

Yeah, she would. Yeah. She told me that. That she knows all of this.

Take that in. It's a hard loss.

Yeah.

Is there any chance that she won't be with you, Amy, or that you won't be with her?

No.

I want you to really take that in. Yeah. Will you be celebrating her life in any way?

I hope so. I mean, I will be. I'm actually not, you know, I'm not. I don't know her family. I don't know our family. So it's. It's also kind of odd that way. You know, sometimes you have these. These meaningful relationships with people, but it's just with them.

Yeah, that. That's very true. I mean, are you. I guess my question is, what takes care of you now to really feel complete about celebrating and honoring Fern and making sure that you're clean in this regard? Because I feel like the incompletion maybe just has you feeling unwrapped and not clean about it. So what could you do what feels like it would take care of you and have this clean, complete and clean.

I honestly just having this conversation with you right now feels like I am. I. That I. That I. That I am getting. Just. Just having this conversation with you out loud is giving me that sense of completeness and closure. And if there's additional things like.

A.

Memorial or anything like that, like, that's. That's going to be lovely. But I think just being able to share this and process this through right now is like.

I would invite you to do a little bit of a witchy, kind of, woo, woo, okay. Integration assignment, and then. Awesome. If there's memorial service, you'll be there. But. Yeah, I'm glad to hear this. Just coaching and this opportunity for us to connect and you modeling for all of us the courage to face what you need to complete and grieve is really important. How many people are frozen in their grief and in their letting go and how toxic how quickly that can be. Right? So just an idea, for what it's worth, I'm imagining you next to the fern. Did she give you a fern and your mom gave you a fern?

No, she did not give me a Fern, but her name was Fern.

Okay.

That was the plant that showed up yesterday, the day that she died.

Okay. But she also gave you plants, so I would just, like, sit your cute ass down in the middle of all the plants. Okay. With a notebook and a candle. And I just am imagining you writing a letter, dear Fern, and you're just getting it all out. What she meant to you, what you're taking with you that she gave you, and then a second letter of her writing to you and just see what comes out.

I like that.

And you just have it with you?

Yeah.

Are you familiar with Byron Katie at all?

Somewhat. I mean, definitely. No. I've heard a lot. She's been brought up a lot, but I don't. I feel like I could definitely dive in there.

So I'm just thinking about something I learned when I had a mentor who had trained directly under Byron Katie teach this to me. So one of the things Byron Katie teaches is the difference between my business, other people's business, and God's business. Have you heard about that?

No.

Okay, so let me just give you a little bit to chew on. So what. What Byron Katie is saying in my interpretation of that, so I'm not directly quoting Byron Katie, but my interpretation of what's my business is always what I have control over. Right. So emotions and thoughts. I don't actually think we have control over when, you know, a death happens, you know, a hiring, a firing, a car accident. Right. Like these things, me having cancer at 34 and pregnant. Right. You just lo. You know, whatever we feel about that. Think about that. I don't see it as my business. I see what I have control over as my business, meaning my intentions and my actions. So were your intentions clear and clean and pure with Fern?

Yeah.

Did your actions support that?

Yeah.

Okay. So I just want you to be able to sit with that. Other people's business is literally what they have control over. And we can't ever influence other people's business. And we try all the time, and it creates a lot of suffering. Are you with me there?

Yeah.

So there's what I have control. There's what other people control. And then the third piece, God's business, it's not religion. It's whatever you think about, when you think about whatever it is that's bigger than us is what she's referring to. But the best definition I've ever heard of God's business, my friend that taught me, Eric Plattenberg, he used to say, God's business is what no one has control over.

Yeah.

And when we argue with that reality of other people's business and God's business, what Byron Katie says is we lose 100% of the time. Right? So I think why is a really, really messed up question. And I'll tell you why I think that. So why? When it comes to circumstances, how will we ever. How will we ever know? Right? How. How come Fern got Sick and passed and other people in her same situation could have gotten sick and gotten well. How come I, with a 5% shot at life with cancer, made it? How come then last summer I found out my liver is full of tumors. They're benign, but they're there. I thought I was in remission and in the clear. Nope. So why, I think is a question that will have us really out of our own business and really suffering a lot. I think the only time why is important is when we're committed to something. Yeah, right. So why is like a distraction. We're never going to know why, but what we can do is make sure we're intentional. Our actions align with our intentions. And the way I think about it is, am I clean with me?

Yeah.

That's all I can do. And I'm going to mess up and I'm going to hurt people and I'm going to have an impact that I didn't mean to have. And sometimes I'm going to have an impact that I regret later. And it was conscious, Right? Like we're freaking human. Right. So I think you're in a gorgeous opportunity and lesson Amy to let yourself, let your best be enough. My coaching for you today is let your best be enough. Your best was enough. Your best is enough. This is painful. This is hard. This isn't the first loss you've ever had. I know a little bit about you. You know, this isn't the first and only right loss you've had that's blindsided you. So there's maybe more work to do there around, you know, the experience you have when it comes to loss and the responsibility you put on yourself. And your best is enough.

Yeah, right.

And then that doesn't mean that you don't clean things up. Everybody watching when you've had a negative impact, intentionally or not. It's just, we gotta let ourselves be enough. I made a huge professional mistake a couple weeks ago. I could have just stuck my head in the sand and never come out. I was so horrified, you know? But I'm freaking human. There's that song, I'm Only Human, Right? Like, we're. We're doing the best we can. And then to segue into your question about busy, right? So my coaching for you is your best is enough. I would love to see what comes out and if you'd be willing to share it with me offline, I'd love to see it. The letter to Fern and then the letter to her back to you. And then, you know, I don't have A day off for the next three weeks. Busy. Right. Projects, all this, you know, that I'm. That I'm creating and building and you're a mover and a shaker and this is my what I love about you. Right. So, you know, I think it's one thing to be busy and I think it's another thing to be intentional about how you're filling up your life.

Right.

Right. So I think you have a big opportunity today with me to break up with busy. Brendon Burchard is the mentor I've had that. I did a small group mastermind with him in 2019 and I heard him say over and over and over again, I just decided one day to break up with being busy and stressed and worried it's not worth it. Changed my frickin life. And then that doesn't mean I have to go at a slower pace than my soul wants to go. Right. I just spent three days in a hotel finishing the manuscript for my book for my publisher. I've got a course I'm filming next week. It's a lot all at once. People are asking me why don't you spread it out? I have a retreat for women. Women. You don't want to miss this. January 7th, 8th and 9th, all at once. You know, am I crazy? Maybe. But it feels great. It's like all this is in me dying to be born. So if I go down the rabbit hole of oh, I'm too busy or you know, making myself wrong for what lights my soul on fire, yeah, what the hell. Right. And so I can be full and I can be present and intentional and it's all going to be learning and growing and I just do my best to have an intention as I'm choosing to make sure it's a powerful choice. Not coming from a place of. This is what I should do. Not coming from a place of guilt or regret or obligation or toleration. Right. So what I choose, I do my best, my business to be intentional about. Is this what I want? Does this serve me? You know, and why. That's where the why comes in. Knowing what I want and why it's important. That's the only time why matters. And then I just think about it like I'm filling up my life and I'm in constant self care. And then this little window of my life right now, just as an example, this isn't the pace I'm on all the time. This is just a season. Right? Right. Tell me if this is resonating at all and what you're. What you're hearing.

Yeah. Yes, it is. I like, I love the idea that. That being hyper productive isn't necessarily a bad thing. There's. There's what I'm hearing and the way that I'm processing it is similar to, you know, sense of loss and joy and whatever. Like, we get to experience all of the things. And having a head down, super focused, being super productive is actually. It's fun.

Right, Right, right.

Yeah. You don't want it all the time. You don't want that.

Right.

All of the time. But it's definitely fun. And yeah, I. I've been swept up in a new job and, you know, and that's okay. I was swept up in a new job and.

And enjoying it.

Enjoying it.

Right. And I think you get to celebrate that. And we can't know. I mean, I think the most beautiful part about this episode of the Hot Seat today is we have enough time and we don't at the same time. Right. There is enough time until there is not. So what I want for people and what I especially want for you today, Amy, is no regrets. You know, we do the best we can with the time we have. And I just want us going to bed at night, clean with ourselves. Did we do our best? Are we waiting? Are we avoiding? Are we ignoring? It costs too much. It's emotional cancer. And when you notice it, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means you fell asleep for a minute. And if you're in a habit of busy, which that used to be something I prided myself on how busy I was, you know, and now I'm like, this is not something to brag about, you know, I just want a full life. I want to know I did the goddamn thing. I want to know I got the most out. That's what I want for all of us that want that too. And not everybody wants it, but you do. I do. If you're watching, likely you're aligned. Right. But let's just be as clean as possible. And so another idea for an assignment for everybody watching is just to take a moment to write down, are there any areas of your life that you know aren't clean? And just be aware of it.

Yeah.

And then what are you going to do about it? You know, let's just take it on. We have this season to get really clean with ourselves heading into January, you know, we're still all in the cocoon in a pandemic. Take the opportunity to really get honest about how you're living what's working, what's not? What do you want instead? You have a job that you're really enjoying that you created for yourself. Awesome. You know, and sometimes the plate falls.

Yeah.

You know, and it's not like, okay, but we can't freaking change it.

Yeah.

Right. And I don't think we cause the circumstances. My company is called Inspired Results. Inspired means in spirit, connected to the highest version of ourselves, and then the results not up to us. So my mission is about healing is possible. And you can be inspired in the highest version of yourself, regardless of results, not just when the results go well. So I think you're really bravely and vulnerably modeling your best, being enough for all of us today. And I can't thank you enough for that.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm hugging you. I'm loving you so much. I feel that.

I feel that.

And I think it's so interesting. Again, like, just the timing of when we had scheduled months ago.

I know. I know. Almost texted you and said, I don't think I'm the right guest today because this is what's present for me. And it's like not going away. But I. But it. But it was perfect. It was perfect.

Yeah.

What.

If you wouldn't mind, just tell us what your. What your biggest takeaways are, and then I want to hear more about Magical Soup.

I think my biggest. Well, a. I just. I'm. I feel so honored that you asked me the questions that I needed to be asked in order to process through what I was really feeling around this sense of loss and. And being able to. Gosh, we're so hard on ourselves.

Brutal.

We're so hard on ourselves. And so I get to just spend this time that I'm thinking about her just honoring our relationship and our love for each other. And that's what it is. That's all it needs to be. I don't need to spend any time in a place of regret over what could or couldn't have happened in the past week when I have this entire scope of love and memories and wonderful feelings that I have with and for this person. And that's the important part of. Of moving through this grieving process. So thank you for making that my North Star. Yeah. So that. And then. Yeah. And then also forgiving myself for moving into a phase where I wanted. Where I'm choosing to be busy full. Fully. I'm choosing to be busy.

Choosing a full life.

Yeah.

Stop busy. You're choosing a full life that you earned.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bravo.

Thank you.

Well, that. For all of us.

And it's a. It's. It's. And. And to bring it to. Back to Magical Soup, I. I have a handful of episodes out there, and I hadn't been inspired to continue it because of when the pandemic hit. And I was in through this. You know, a lot of my magic that I experience is coming from other people and experiencing the world and, you know, just the strangers. The, you know, just the strangers that you run into. And, you know, Ram Dass has said everyone's the Buddha if you know how to listen. And I find that to be incredibly powerful and true for me. And so when the pandemic happened and that. That shrunk my world, I lost my. I lost my desire to do the podcast. And this conversation was. I can feel those creative juices coming back. Like, I can feel it coming back.

Yeah.

Yes. So. So yay. We'll see. See what I end up putting together. And, you know, maybe it's. It'll. It'll come to me what my. What my next episode is, but it feels closer than it has in the last two years, so.

Man, may I make a suggestion?

Yeah.

What if there's this whole other level of signs and intuition that is the hindsight component, and what if it's okay to pay attention to that, and what if it's critical to pay attention to that without shame if we're going to get the lesson for the next time?

Right.

I mean, what an episode.

Yeah.

Right. Like using this moment in your life in this story to turn the page. I mean, I had been a coach for years on the radio, and then I got cancer and it gave me a whole new perspective. Like, bring on the goddamn dark side. Like, let's go. Like, like, where my tagline is, the darkness is real and so is the light. And it was not before cancer.

Yeah.

Because I was like, light, light, light, light, light, light, light.

Yeah.

La, la, la, la, la. You know, but, man, I mean, how do you really have healing without embracing fully the dark and the light? So I just think there's something about a next level for your podcast and for your messaging about following intuition that has to do with what you miss.

Yes.

What'd you miss? Let's not go shame based and beat ourselves up. Let's pay attention more and more and more because those whispers become screams.

Yeah.

When we don't hear them right. And they're always there. I couldn't agree more with what you were saying about, like, they're all Buddha. I think the whole world, my entire life, every little frickin thing. Even the tiniest is the seminar that has me getting to meet me and being the best of me and then seeing where I'm not and then learning and growing and doing better. Yeah. So I don't know. I don't know if that resonates at all. But I'm just seeing like who's talking about the dark side of intuition?

Yeah.

I haven't ever heard anybody.

Yeah.

We're just like all alone on our frickin island. Like shit. I didn't pay attention. Ah. And like. Right. That's what happened. And you did get it. It's like when you have a conversation that's hard in the beginning, you don't know what to say. Later you think about what you would have said but you didn't get to say. And then eventually you get to the point where you can say it in real time. Right.

Like it's.

It's that with our intuition we need to learn the steps.

Yep.

I don't know, I just think you got something here. Yes.

I love it.

Thank you, Fearne.

I just got chills. You do?

I don't know, I have this tagline, this little hashtag, I joke in my women's retreats. Like the world doesn't know about you yet. And that's how I feel about you right now. The world doesn't even know about Amy yet. You know, I love seeing where you go from here. And it's an honor to hold space. Space for you. And with you and everyone watching, I mean, none of us are immune to grief and loss on some level right now. None of us. You know, and we really need to be with it and we really need to get out of this shame based, guilt ridden belief that, you know, we missed opportunities, we did the best we could. Course in Miracles says nothing real can be threatened. Right. Nothing real can be threatened. So it happened the way it happened and you can learn to do better next time. But that's it.

Yeah.

So Amy, thank you. How do people get a hold of you and any final thoughts that you want to share with the community?

No, I just. Thank you for, for holding space for me and thank you for showing up for me and I guess if the community wants to. MagicalSoup.com is my podcast website and I have a bunch of episodes there that are. They're pretty fun. I think if you're looking for just a good story. Really short 20 minutes and like I love listening to it when I, you know, listen to podcasts when I'm walking and I and I think that it's just a fun little ride that hopefully, you know, sets your vibration at a higher frequency. That's what's there now. But now I'm like thinking about like that there's a real side to what happens when you're not listening to your intuition and when you're ignoring the signs. And that's just true too. So thank you for that inspiration as well. I might be having a new episode come out.

I can't wait to hear it and share it and promote it. Thank you, Amy.

Thank you.

If you are interested in joining me in the hot seat, either for coaching or to share your healing message and leadership in the world, message me. DM me. We're booking into 2022. The hot seat will continue. And no matter what, no matter how dark, how daunting, how low, how terrible it feels in a moment, healing is possible. And there's always another side to it. And if you can get that message alone from today, that is my dream come true. Thank you for being here. Visit rebeccasilence.com for more services and products and healing Goodness ladies, join us January 7th, 8th and 9th. You can again go to rebeccasilence.com for more on the Healing Is Possible women's retreat happening in Colorado Springs early January. We would love to have you there. And just remember, healing's possible.

We'll.