Practicing Emotional Healing ft Rebeccah Silence

Just a note before we start: our show talks about touchy subjects that may be difficult for some of our listeners. Take care of yourself. If you feel you need to seek help, see the links at the end of our show notes for resources.

Hey y'all, and welcome to Touchy Subjects Podcast, the podcast that aims to break the silence that tends to come with conversations around domestic and sexual violence. I'm Sean, and I'm Amanda, and today we're going to be discussing how censorship impacts prevention with our special guest, Léa Spasova. So thank you for joining us today, Léa.

Thanks for having me, Sean and Amanda. It's a pleasure to be here with you.

We're really excited about this. Lots of good stuff that's going to be coming your way today.

Yeah, especially with just looking at how the current kind of climate is around the work that we do. This is going to be a really fun conversation. But before we jump in, would you like to quickly introduce yourself to our audience?

Yeah, sure. So my name is Leah. I'm a psychologist, I specialize in sex and relationships. I used to be based in the UK, now I'm traveling slowly through New Zealand. So hello from Down Under. And I have a great history of, you know, getting introduced to these topics through the lens of prevention. And when, when we met, I was like, wow, we are so much on the same page. We need to have those good conversations on the mic, you know. So, um, that's, that's me in a nutshell and how, how and why we're here.

Yeah, it is always nice meeting other people who are involved in like the prevention side of the work that we do, um, because one, there's not that many of us. Like, yes, the advocates and therapists also do some prevention work, but for like the dedicated, like those who are dedicated to doing prevention as like their thing, it's always fun meeting other people so we can just like geek out for a while.

So yeah, yeah. And unfortunately I don't get to do as much prevention nowadays. Um, I wish I, I could, um, but a lot of the structures and institutions that should be supporting and should be inviting us professionals, they just don't for various reasons, which is sad.

That is something Shaun and I understand very well.

Yes, yes, yes. Just trying to get people to want Amanda and I to come in to do our presentations so we can actually do our jobs is a struggle in and of itself. So when there's systems that are being put in place by communities, by governments, like, that are actively impeding that also, it just makes it that much more difficult.

Yeah. Nobody benefits from it, um, when it comes to— especially because you guys work with young people. Like, it's pathetic, like, the state of affairs right now.

Yeah. So really jumping in that— into the conversation, because bringing up censorship, um, in and of itself can be a touchy subject, just because, like, when we're talking about how we want to either protect kids or how we want to make sure that we're not harming other people by like what we're saying or what we're exposing them to, what can happen in the long run is that message gets twisted to where it really makes it difficult for us to do adequate then prevention work when that censorship does exist. Um, so why do you think this censorship is kind of happening around these topics?

Um, there are many really light questions to start off with, so just don't, don't feel pressure at all.

No, um, there are many angles to it, but one that I see, and it's very easy to spot once, once I've like put the spotlight on it and, and see it for what it is, is that prevention and education in the sex and relationship realm do not help the companies that profit from us when we are miserable, disconnected, lonely, struggling with relationships, etc. They don't profit from that. Um, that's why there's, you know, comedians have more freedom to talk about their sexcapades. Movies have more freedom to depict abuse, violence, uh, sex scenes, etc. Video games are notoriously you know, full of murder and nudity and whatnot. So these things though, they don't advance you, you know, that's why they're not censored. They do not make you reconsider things or grow or think for yourself in a different way. No, but sex and relationships educators, therapists, coaches, We do. We educate and we help people reflect and learn and grow. And the thing is, when you, when you become enlightened, when you grow, when you're able to now have amazing relationships, amazing intimate life, and you're not in a constant distress because you're feeling isolated and less than because they've told you you're fat, you're skinny, you're blonde, you're brunette, and like it's never good enough. They don't profit, you know. And think about it, when it comes to social media, for instance, where a lot of people get the information nowadays, um, sex and relationships professionals are banned, censored, removed, deleted altogether overnight. Why? Because when someone is uneducated and disconnected and unhappy, they're gonna doom scroll until they see another advertisement that would sell them the next fleeting sense of confidence. It may be a dress, it may be a watch, it may be something else, and they're gonna buy it, and they're gonna have that confidence for like a few hours or a day. And then what? They're back doomscrolling, they're back shopping. They're good consumer. Yeah, but how dare we educate and have these people be actually able to be skilled at building healthy relationships. Because I, I don't recall a time that I was super connected with someone, having the best time and thinking, oh, I wish I was on freaking Instagram right now. Yeah, yeah, right.

And you know, we, we make these jokes about things like, oh, I'm just doing my retail therapy. I'm just, you know, add to cart, add to cart. And we don't think about the true implications of that because, you know, when you're sad and you just want to go shopping and buy some stuff, or you want to get some delicious food, or you want to, you know, try and make yourself feel better by, like you said, that next great thing that's like, this is the pill that's going to make me skinny, and this is the workout program I need to purchase to you know, have a great butt or whatever. We're chasing those things and buying them and spending all of our money on it because we were looking for that connection, that peace that like makes us feel fulfilled. And we don't realize that the world is profiting off of that, right? So they're, they're profiting off of our misery and our fleeting grasps at those things, you know. And it's— there's always the— it's, it's way more lucrative to treat an illness than it is to cure an illness, right? So there's always been that kind of little thing in the back of our heads about why is there no cure for cancer yet. Well, I'm not getting into that because I'm not going to go down that conspiracy hole, but it's the same concept, right? So it's a lot easier, it's a lot more profitable for people to kind of, uh, self-medicate those things, whether it be with substances or shopping or whatever, than it is to actually get to the bottom of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if we want to take this like even like that step further of looking at, well, if we're living in a society that's obviously like very, very much commercialized, right? Like, it's the bottom line is trying to make money off of whatever you're taking in, taking it on media, whether it's social media, TV shows, movies. Typically there's some kind of product or something that's being sold in line with that, and if it's not a product, it's an idea. So if we're looking at censorship around like domestic and sexual violence, like prevention work Well, we know that sex sells, especially to guys. So if we start to change and get our message out there that we need to stop viewing women as sexual objects, well, that really is going to impact a lot of different markets because they're not going to be able to use sex to sell products to men on the promise of sex, or they're not going to be able to use women's bodies to draw in men to gain their attention to then want to purchase that product or do that thing. So eventually that messaging starts to actually hurt their bottom line, even if that's the good messaging that we want to see.

Mm-hmm. And I love that layer that you just put in, um, around what if we stop objectifying women? Like, that whole thing that we're using to sell with, you know, through women's bodies, through women's sensuality, sexuality, and so forth, is now gone. And when you think about the, the other aspect of it, the reason why it's being sold through sex is because sex is that kind of thing that gives us so much more than just the act. It gives us pleasure for sure, but then sense of belonging, uh, sense of connection. It gives us an ego boost. Come on, like getting hit on and, you know, getting, uh, you know, fun times with your partner or with a stranger, it doesn't matter. You feel good about yourself in that time, you know. It gives us so much, and that's exactly why I say these products and services that are being sold to us, they're sold through sex because we know we get a ton, like a whole full umbrella of goodness from having sex and having these intimate connections. That's what we're chasing. Oh, in the dress it's a confidence, or in the— I don't know, in the fitness program or whatever— is that sense of I'm sexy, you know? Like, all of these things are sold to us because if we actually connected and we're having these intimate moments with people and we're educated how to have them healthily, safely, and so forth. Oh my God, we would like our shopping list, that add to cart retail therapy would be freaking gone. Why? Because you're having the best time. I keep saying going on a picnic, pick whatever's in the cupboard and the fridge, go out, enjoy yourself. You're not going to be doom scrolling and shopping for the next retail therapy thing that will drain your wallet.

Yeah, and we even were looking at like how— because like we talked a little bit about like how the sex sells, especially sells to men. And I love the conversations around like media and how it's often portrayed, like how we learn to view men or how men learn to view women, because it's really embedded just in a societal belief system just in general. So even if we're trying to start pulling back all these layers to really get to that point where the prevention messaging isn't being censored, where we're getting to a point where we're helping people be more happy and fulfilled so they're not doomscrolling, they're not using the retail therapy. To get to that point, though, it's— there's so much more that has to be into it than being able to just have the conversation about prevention. But we can't even do that first step. So we'll never be able to get to those other layers because I can't even talk to kids about gender identity, sexual orientation, and how we shouldn't be treating people differently and harming people because they're different than us, because that messaging isn't messaging that they want to have— want, want in their school. So if that's messaging that I can't get across, then that violence is going to exist. If that violence is going to exist, then there's always going to be groups of people who are going to be targeted more often for domestic violence, for sexual assault, for human trafficking. So there's layers to all of it, but we're perfectly fine saying domestic violence is bad. We're perfectly fine with saying human trafficking is bad. But when we need to start having the conversation about how we actually are going to prevent those things, well, that's when the tab— that's when it becomes taboo. That's the problem.

Yeah, yeah. And, um, when we were chatting before in the preliminary talks about doing a podcast together, um, I told you how I ended up in— at 14 years old, um, in my school there was a talk from a non-government organization that came around and they spoke about domestic abuse and how it happens quite, quite easily that if a child is abused or there is abuse at home, they'll try to run away, but they'll just end up quite often exploited by someone else who offers them safety or something, and then they get human trafficked. And this organization invited us kids to the youth club, and they said, we have a youth club if you want to learn about those things. We meet twice on a Friday in the morning and in the afternoon, if you want to join, meet other people and learn about those things, that's your place. And I was like, wow, for the first time in my life, I'm learning life-relevant stuff in school. You know, like Pythagoras is not going to freaking save my, I don't know, my ass. I'm sorry to say that. But, you know, that kind of knowledge about recognizing abuse, about recognizing the patterns of what happens, understanding power, and exploitation and all of these things, that is gonna save me. That is going to be a massive piece of knowledge that I do need for my life. Um, and I told you, like, we used to go out on the 1st of December, World International Day of HIV and AIDS Prevention, and, um, all of that. We used to give out condoms with leaflets on the streets to educate people. And you guys said there's no way we're even allowed to give condoms to the kids. We are like, we were given the condoms to give to other people.

Yeah.

And we get access.

Our school-based health centers are not allowed to give out condoms in the school-based health center. They could walk across the street, put up a table that has condoms and hand them to the kids, but they cannot give them out in their school.

Wow. Yeah, wow. And that's the part where I genuinely don't understand, like, if you're a parent, why wouldn't you want your child to understand these things? Why wouldn't you want your child to understand power in relation to gender, in relation to abuse, in relation to, like, human trafficking. Why wouldn't you want your child to understand that the world is stacked against some people, you know? And one of the biggest messages that I keep giving to everybody, everybody, is before you were anything, you were human. Before you were a man or a woman, um, before you were transgender, before you were a sister, brother, or anything else, a, I don't know, a healthcare provider, a minor, or like, you were a human. That's it. That is, that's your first identity. And if you embrace that, then you start seeing everybody else was just a human, and everything else on top of it is stacked. The expectations of what it's, what it's like to be a sibling or a child of, you know, your parents or a neighbor or a student or a friend. All of that is just social structure. That's it. But again, fishing pads.

Yeah, well, and that social structure is really like— it's a thing that I talk about a lot, and I'm sure Amanda does too when we do our presentations, is understanding how society is kind of set up, like you said, stacked against some people, because it absolutely is. I am the poster boy of someone who is— does not have the system stacked against them. Like, I am a cisgendered, straight, white dude, middle class. Like, I'm that. That's me. I am the— I have ever— I have not— there's none of my identities are impacting my ability to do anything else. Um, so I think a lot of what comes into this when it comes to, well, why wouldn't you want your kids to have these conversations, to understand how those power dynamics work? I think what a lot of it is, is that requires us as a society to come face to face with the fact that we have done harm, we are perpetuating harm, and if we don't stop perpetuating that harm, it's just going to continue, obviously. And no one wants to look in the mirror and say, oh shit, I've done a bad thing, I'm complicit in harming people, even if I've never under— like, recognized that before. And that's an extremely hard thing for people to do.

Yeah. And the thing is, like, we can't fight for every cause. I mean, there's a lot of causes that I support that I would love to be more involved with. Like, I love cats, right? I love big cats. I know tigers are endangered, and, you know, we have more in captivity than in the wild, kind of thing. I would love to be going in the wild and doing protective work around tigers, for instance. I can't, you know. It's not necessarily that I don't care, or that my my values are not in the right order. But you can pick your battles and you can see what's important for you. And even if you can't actively support certain, I don't know, causes that you believe in, if let's say a petition comes across your phone or something, fill it out. It will take 10 seconds of your time. Share it. It would take another 5 seconds of your time. And yet people don't do even that, you know, they don't raise awareness, they don't put out the word, etc. And I get it, we're busy. And our governments, from what I'm seeing, are making it increasingly difficult to be engaged with what's happening in the world and in politics because we're getting poorer. We're getting more isolated, we're getting more polarized. So even if you have an opinion, even if you want to share something, you might be afraid to share it because of hate that would come your way. Even if you want to go to that protest, maybe you can't because if you miss that day at work, you're going to be fired. And right now it's difficult to get a job. And that's the problem that when we don't fight together for the causes of us all, we suffer collectively. It may not be impacting you immediately, but there will be an impact on the people in your life and then on you.

Like, even to like take it a step further— like, not step further, but to kind of like show how this plays out a little bit for at least us. So the work that we do in the United States, myself, Amanda We work in gender-based violence prevention, right? The phrase gender-based violence, as of at least a few days ago when we were recording this, sounds like that is going to be a term that is going to be used by our government to help weed out organizations and agencies that might receive federal funds. Our organization cannot operate if we don't have federal funds. So even because we say we serve gender victims of gender-based violence, which we do because domestic violence is a crime based on gender, or at least partly, we are going to run that risk of potentially losing funding. Our, our organizations also are not allowed to talk to like politicians and say, hey, vote yes on this. Now I can meet with politicians and talk to them and educate them about some possible implications of bills, but I cannot try to push them in a direction to say please vote for this or don't vote for this. So we don't have a voice to be able to tell politicians what will be good or what we think is good or bad. But they have the ability to enact policy that directly impacts not only the work that we do, but also the victims that we serve.

Yeah, I have, I have seen the list of terms that are being banned and that funding is being withdrawn and for projects and for organizations and all of that that have those terms, and it's fucking mile— I'm sorry, and it's a mile-long list. Um, it's insane. I mean, female banned, gender banned, racism banned, advocate banned. Oh my God, I'm like, I'm sorry, like, do you realize that these are like probably 5% of daily daily discourse words, you know, like even more. Are you gonna ban me from saying she or he or they?

They and them is actually on one of the lists.

Is it?

Can't say they and them. Like, how else can we describe a group of people, let alone like somebody who is non-binary or gender fluid. Like, it, it just doesn't even make sense. Like, there are, there are programs that, or things that are being cut specifically because they have a word in the title, like Black Ops. It's got black in it.

Wow.

Like, and the I don't know how, how true some of those things are, so let me just make that clear. I'm not in any way trying to, uh, be that specific about things, but you know, it's, it's that mentality of something has one of these banned words in it, but these are just words that we use on a daily basis. And what gives you the right to, to ban a word?

To give another dumb example, I'm sure it's probably back up on the website now because they probably realized it, but their large just like swath of banning things, of banning like military photos from like a military website, um, a photo of the airplane that dropped the nuclear bomb, I think it was on Nagasaki, um, it was removed from the site because it's the Enola Gay.

And so therefore it had the word gay in it, and so it got removed.

Gay, it triggered their, like, that whatever AI program they're using to just do large swaths, and it was, it was removed.

I can't even. Also, like, people should educate themselves. Gay is an Old English word that the other meaning for it is happy. So does that mean that all the works of my favorite author Oscar Wilde where he says the word gay as the meaning of happy, even though he was gay, is gonna be like, just delete it. I mean, he's gonna be erased just because he was gay, maybe. Um, but that's, that's the thing. The, the erasure of language, of concepts, of people is something out of a dystopian book. You're literally like deleting masses of people when you do that kind of thing. And if you If you read 1984 by George Orwell, you would see how Newspeak is created, and a lot of words are, you know, taken out and not allowed, and all these things. And I, I keep saying it, I feel like we cannot do good work for as long as we don't work together against the common enemy, which is The people that want to oppress knowledge, the people that want us to be back in the Dark Ages or in some kind of dystopian movie. And unfortunately, it's going to be a mashup between 1984 by George Orwell, where we suffer the surveillance. It would be The Hunger Games because people will be starving and dying when they start, you know, cutting so many jobs and people would, you know, in the USA especially, people are one paycheck away from living under the bridge. So it will be The Hunger Games. And then we're thinking, uh, Brave New World, because, you know, in Brave New World there's this idea of distraction, you know, control through distraction. There you go, you have the social medias and the drugs that are great distraction, uh, for a struggling society. We would have, um, loads of like— I'm just I don't want to continue dropping names of dystopian books, but, uh, there's one that's called One. I don't remember the name of it, and it's about brainwashing and actually breaking people into believing that they're a completely different person or things didn't happen, etc. Like, all of these books, I feel like they've read them and they said, let's create a mashup of all of that and turn it into the reality of the people.

Also, fun fact, 1984 and Brave New World, those are English reading books that most, like, high schoolers in the United States should have read at some point.

Yeah, and they're, I think, both on the banned book list now.

Yeah, those were assigned readings.

I'm not surprised.

So I'm like, the fact that you have This also, this is just a separate, separate thing of mine where I'm like, obviously, like, the American English, the American education system is like not the world's greatest, obviously. Um, where it's like you have large swaths of people who have read both 1984 and Brave New World, who love The Hunger Games, who love these stories of the government over, like, overreaching and controlling the population to where you have those freedom fighters who then go out. There's a reason Star Wars so popular, but we're so dumb that we're like, yeah, Star Wars is great, all right, so I'm gonna vote for the person that's actively doing the things the Empire did and then be shocked when people say you're the stormtroopers, you're the bad guys.

Also, our episode is gonna get pulled, I'm pretty sure.

Don't worry, we'll be boosting it. As well, from my end. The trouble with all of that is, you know, there was a really good post that I saw a couple of weeks ago that said something along the lines of, what do you call the people that want a brighter future for Germany, even at the expense of others? Nazis. No, no, no. What do you call the people that just wanted German values, Nazis. No, no, no. What do you call the people of Germany who wanted a better Germany of tomorrow? Nazis. Like, the thing is, like, tyranny is not sold to you as tyranny. It's the wolf in sheep's clothing, you know? It's the, oh, I will give you the brighter future. I mean, you know, this whole Mr. Orange Man politics. I saw it when I was a child. I'm originally from Bulgaria, and we had— so Bulgaria used to be a kingdom. Well, we've had multiple kingdoms of Bulgaria, but before the Second World War, we were a kingdom, actually even during, but never mind. One of the kings was taken out, put it that way. And his, um, son, Simeon Saxe-Coburg-Gothsky, as he's called— he's of German, uh, German line of, of kings— was in Bulgaria, fled as a child. And when I was a child, he was probably like in his 60s, 70s, I don't know. And he came back to Bulgaria And he said, "I have missed Bulgaria my whole life." I'm like, "Yeah, okay." And said, "I will fix this country in 800 days." That was his promise. And people bought it. People pined over this savior that has had to flee the country as a child, that has been missing Bulgaria so much. And that he wanted a brighter future for Bulgaria, so they voted him in. And you know what happened in 800 days? That person, that former should-have-been king, used the opportunity to claim all of the lands that he could and exploit them, like chop off the wood, etc. He took tons of what he felt was rightfully his and exploited Bulgaria for everything he could. Did he fix us? Sure he did. Sure he did. Bent us over, fixed us right up. But that's the thing, I've seen it. I was a child, I was probably like 11, 12, 13 years old. And I saw it and I remember, because I have like, you know, some people have a gaydar, I have a psychopathdar. Like, I just, I can look at someone and I can be like, wow, you're full of psychopathic traits, you know, the dark triad, you name it. Same with Elon Musk, when I saw him first on stage back in 2015 or 16, when I watched the video of him, I was like, that guy. Psycho. And that's why I read his biography, because I'm fascinated. I'm a psychologist. I'm fascinated. I'm very fascinated by psychopathy. And I remember seeing, seeing that, you know, king of ours on TV, and I was like, that guy is bad news. And he was. But people crave a savior, and tyranny is not sold through, I'm gonna come and oppress you and take what, what I believe is mine, and I'm gonna make sure that you cannot pull your head out of the, you know, the, the shit that I'm drowning you in so that you can't rebel, protest, overturn me, whatever it is. I'll infiltrate, take everything, give you empty promises. Good luck. Yeah.

Um, and for those of you listening, they're like, wow, this is like a very like overtly political episode. It's like, well, yeah, we're talking about censorship and prevention work. And when A lot of the work that needs to be done in order to prevent domestic violence, sexual assault, and human trafficking is being censored by what we can say, who we can say we serve and work with, and how we can go about doing that. Yes, this has to be an overtly political episode. We can't be— we can't beat around the bush on it, because what people need to understand is that if we want to prevent domestic violence, sexual assault, human trafficking We need policies that are going to be put in place that are going to actively impact marginalized communities to help them no longer be marginalized. Because as long as we have people who are going to be poor, as long as we have people who are going to experience racism, who are going to experience sexism, homophobia, as long as that exists, we are going to see domestic violence, human trafficking, and sexual assault happen at disproportionate rates. When there's that disproportionality where women are experiencing sexual assaults more than men, where trans— where 50% of trans people experience sexual assault, those are disproportionate. And that's a problem because that means we have people who are actively harming others based on what their identities are.

And based on the fact that that someone that they feel they can exploit because other people aren't taking the time to step up and protect them. Because if someone sees a little white girl get hurt on the news, the whole world is up in arms about it. But the same thing isn't true when that is a little Black girl who has been the victim of something. And I, I know people are listening, they're like, but that's not me, I'm not like that. And you probably aren't, but when the world as a whole is, and the people who aren't like that aren't stepping up and speaking out for those people who are being marginalized, then we keep skewing to that marginalization.

Yeah, and I'll highlight something. We cannot afford to be apolitical, and here's why. Because even if you are the poster boy of privilege, okay, even if you never did that work, Sean, you would still be impacted by violence. And I made, like, a few years ago, it's on YouTube, I made a video about how abuse affects everybody, and I want to do a brief overview of why, even if you think that's never going to happen to you, it is happening to you, you just don't see it as it's happening to you. So when there is a case of domestic violence or abuse, who gets called in? The dispatchers and, you know, 911, whatever responders, they pick up the phone. They're hearing oftentimes the sound of abuse, the sound of pain and suffering. These people have families they need to go back to. Do you think that after a day full of that in your ears, you're going to be the cheeriest person and that you can go and spread love? No, this person is now suffering from something called vicarious trauma. Then you have the medical responders, the police officers, that also attend these, um, these domestic violence cases, etc., or even if it's on the street, it doesn't matter where it is, but they, they interact with it. Guess what happens to them as well? Vicarious trauma. Guess what that makes them believe about the world, how they see the world, how they are afraid for their children, for their families every day. How does that reverberate across society? Let's not stop there. Then there's court cases, right? Then there's the judges. If there is a jury, they also listen to that story and the abuse and all of that. So they go home and they're like, oh my God, I couldn't— I can't believe this is happening. So they're not having the best days of their lives either, and they're experiencing that same vicarious trauma from that one case, from that one case, and there are millions of cases every day. Of that happening. Let's think about society. Let's think that this happens in your neighborhood. You're impacted. You think, oh my God, this is down my street. I drive past this house every freaking day. How do you feel about your community then? Do you feel safer now that you know that domestic abuse, that you just saw the police car the ambulance, etc., someone getting out on a gurney. Like, how do you feel about your community? Right? You don't feel safe in your neighborhood. You don't feel safe in your community. You don't feel safe in your town. What's next? How else are you impacted? Your taxes. Who do you think pays those dispatchers, ambulances, you know, police? Judicial system, prisons. Also, abusers, like especially sexual abusers, end up in jail for longer terms than petty crimes and shoplifting and whatever. So you're paying those bills as well, so that you're paying for all of that structure to exist to protect you, but you're not investing in prevention. So you would rather foot the bill for all that trauma to spread like cancer and for your taxes to go down the drain for things that could have not happened if we invested in children, we invested in protective services, we invest in prevention. Are you telling me that you would rather not have good education system, nice parks to walk through, good roads and infrastructure, and you'd rather be paying for someone to be in jail and paying for their meals for life. Like, that's why I keep saying you cannot afford to be apolitical. Your life is guided by— or not guided, but massively impacted by politicians that usually have no clue what they're doing. And they're not asking professionals like Amanda and Sean in the States, for instance, to guide them into making healthier decisions for everybody. That's why we have expertise. That's why we study for years, you know. And that's why I say you cannot afford to be apolitical, because if you're apolitical, you're just, you know, settling for whatever they say. And guess what? They don't choose right most of the time.

It's— it— every time someone's like, oh, I just like, I'm, I'm apolitical, or like, I don't know, both sides are like, both sides are bad, so I just, I stay in the middle, I don't do anything. I always just— I love— I love The Walking Dead, and then Negan is my favorite villain in The Walking Dead. I'm always reminded of the scene where he's standing over Rick making him make a choice, and he tells him not making a choice is a pretty big fucking choice. Um, because it doesn't help him making— in that moment, Rick Matt making the choice doesn't help anybody. Yeah, you deciding, I'm not gonna care either way, I'm going to remain out of it, be apolitical, one, is a privilege that many people don't, don't have and can't afford to have. But two, not making a choice isn't helping the people who are being harmed.

Yeah, and if you refuse to choose a side, you are automatically helping the side of the oppressor because the oppressed are the ones who need people to take that side. And if you're not choosing, you're, you're choosing the side of the oppressor.

Yeah, and even to take your, um, example a little bit like one step further, Leah, is when we look at how— for example, I'll just use like feminism, like, as like the example for this point. Um, if we're looking at trying to prevent domestic and sexual violence, how— if we're looking at how these things impact communities as a whole, and like how you said everyone is going to be impacted by it, well, if as a guy I grow up to learn that boys are supposed to be big, tough, and strong If I grow up and learn that I can't cry or express my emotions, I learn to solve problems through violence and aggression, and I learn that doing things like a girl is bad, so I learn to view women as less than me, what is inevitably going to happen when I end up in a relationship with a woman and we have an issue? So when we say like feminism works for everybody, it does, because guys, we can be more than be the big tough strong dude. We can be more than the emotional— emotionless stoic person. But that's something we have to want for ourselves. And when feminists are advocating for that and we are actively competing back against them, saying, no, you're wrong, men are supposed to be this, this one specific cookie cutter way, yeah, we're actively harming ourselves and not— we're not helping. We're not helping us. We're not helping women. We're not helping gender minority groups. Like, we're actively harming ourselves because we're so stuck in that belief system that we've been told our whole lives. So yes, domestic and sexual violence is a men's issue. Yes, it does impact us even if we aren't a victim of it, because even if we're not a victim of it, what we're being taught allows for there to be victims.

Here's what I keep saying to people. I don't call myself a feminist because feminism is often portrayed as women's issues, and a lot of men fail to empathize with women's issues because who cares, they're women, blah, kind of thing, right? I identify as a humanist. That's my position. I'm a humanist. And when, when we speak about domestic violence, which I have seen growing up a lot of, I mean, not in my family, but across the street, you know, in my whole neighborhood, a lot of, a lot of it. I don't even want to go into my neighbor's stories because they're horrific. But I want to highlight that they are victims. Male men are victims. Of their upbringing. That means that if you, if you are suppressing your feelings, if you have no conflict resolution, if you have been taught to hate women, what's your existence looking like? How, how robbed are you from amazing experiences of connection, of real and authentic expression of your whole being? With the tears, with the joy, with all of it. And also, when we— that's why I said domestic abuse impacts everybody. These men end up with criminal records, end up in jails. They are victims too, to an oppressive society that teaches them that they need to fit in this little tiny box and meet those tiny little criteria. Otherwise, they're less than. And if they associate with women or anything that women are— and that's why the fight against feminism from the male perspective, they're like, well, women are blah blah blah, I'm not gonna associate with them because then I'll be less than. That's why a lot of men fail to recognize that feminism is for them. And I'm like, yeah, I get it, but that's exactly why we need to talk about humanism and how when, when you are, as I said earlier in the, in the call, um, when you are aware that you're first and foremost born a human and everybody else that you're dealing with on a daily basis is first and foremost a human, it is way easier to sit and think, how is that impacting them? And I've had so many conversations with male friends about, you know, these laws that are being enacted now against abortion and even contraception. And I say to them, and again, men are not taught these things. Again, the preventative work is not done for men about, well, how do you, you know, keep safe from pregnancy aside of the condoms? And like, what do you need to know? Because a lot of men end up becoming parents. Because they didn't take any measures, because they didn't know any better when it comes to, you know, pregnancy and all these things. That's how teen pregnancies happen, you know. And I say to male friends and clients, you think that abortion rights are a female issue. They're not. If she cannot have an abortion, for which she would very likely consult you about, you know, if you're dating or whatever, you're going to have a conversation about it. If she cannot even like sit down and talk about it with you and you can make a decision together, someone else is making the decision for her and for you. She's becoming a parent, but so are you, and the courts may compel you to do a DNA test and to be paying for that child support for 20 years. Or 18, whatever. Like, you think that you are not impacted? Excuse me, you totally are. And going forward, even if you don't have anything to do with this child, you're still paying child support. And even if you never see that child, it may come knocking on your door one day. Or even if you are involved in that child's life, guess what? Every future relationship that you may have with someone else that, let's say, that was a one-night stand or like a situationship that you were in, you need to disclose that child. You need to say, I, I have a child with someone else. Yeah, that's hurting us. It's when we're not talking about these issues, when we're not supporting each other's growth and our children's growth, they're more likely to do the retail therapy, they're more likely to be teen pregnant, uh, teen, um Parents, sorry, they are more likely to be struggling with mental and emotional health. They're more likely to see themselves as powerless when it comes to politics because they don't understand how politics is impacting them, and they're more likely to be paying for people to rot in prison than for a good park and good streets. That's what happens when we don't have preventative work.

[FOREIGN] So if someone is listening to this, I don't want them to start also like feeling disheartened because like obviously like censorship exists and it's at the moment getting a little bit worse and more difficult for us to do it, but the work still needs to be done. So if we were looking at how we can navigate this current climate, um, what would you recommend?

I would recommend trying to— when you find sex and relationship professionals, try to find a way to stay connected with them. As, as one, as me being a sex and relationships specializing psychologist, I would say I know how hard it is for us professionals to actually reach you. Because we get banned everywhere. Even emails are flagging us for using words like pleasure. Um, and that's only going to continue to be more difficult. So if you want to be educating yourself, find the people that speak to your heart, the professionals that do, and follow them. And don't follow them just on Instagram because they may get shadowbanned and erased. And if you're as bad as I am with names, Be like, oh, who is that person that used to talk about blah blah? I've never, I've not seen them for like a month. Like, no. Follow them everywhere. Make sure that you're on their mailing list. Make sure that you engage with them in various formats and on various platforms. The more independent the platform, the better. And the other thing that I would highlight is it is because of the censorship that I've started something called Life's Explicit, which is a censorship-free platform where you can find sex and relationship specializing therapists, coaches, and educators, and their resources, articles, videos, podcasts, um, where they've been in the media, um, like everything about them and approach them if you want to work with them. And if you're a parent and you're like, this was quite insightful, we need to actually do preventative work and have support for our children, then approach those educators, you know, approach educators, hire them, make sure that your children have access to these kind of resources. And don't, don't settle for this is how it is. It's how we make it. And I'll always say, like, look for ways to support professionals if they're asking you of something like share that petition or sign the petition or show up at that protest if you can make it, do it. We are creating our lives, we are creating our future every day.

And like in, say, you know, America, or I'm sure wherever, your social workers, your therapists, your counselors, those are all people who are out there who are still going to be trying to get those words out there to you. You just maybe have to dig a little deeper to find them. That censorship is going to be the first thing that pops up. Take a step beyond it and see what you can find.

Yeah, don't give up. And the thing is that I fear the censorship will become even more relentless. And I'm seeing— someone told me that in Texas right now, if you want to watch porn, you need to like do an ID check and stuff. And I'm like, wow, okay.

I don't know if it's been implemented yet, but it's definitely— it's either been implemented or something that they're working on doing.

And what I would say is the— there are whole states, what I'm learning, that are banning professionals even to have websites where they talk about sex. So for instance, if you're— I don't know, I'm just speaking as an example— but if you were, let's say, a sex and relationship educator in Texas, you may soon find yourself not able to have your website live speaking about sex education or anything like this. So what I'm saying is, if you're in one of those states where there's a lot of censorship, make sure that as a person of the general public, you use VPNs and whatnot to to kind of browse by not being in your state kind of thing. Trickery and, you know, mastery of the internet. And if you are a professional specializing in those topics, make sure that you're on a platform like Life's Explicit where people can find you from anywhere in the world, um, because that's the, the type of aggregator website that it doesn't matter where you're from, uh, we can, we can list you, we can promote you, we can make sure that even Jimmy from Texas that needs support with his marriage or relationship, whatever, can find you and can find that you're in Texas next door. Um, so for the professionals, find censorship-free places. Stop investing your time in places like social media that they ban you. It's not worth your time.

And one of the things that I want to kind of end on this, at least, but from— and on being my opinion completely, If you are the person who is like, well, I just want to protect kids, so that's why we— I don't want to have these conversations with them because the— have exposing kids to that, that exposes them to sex. They're gonna have sex regardless. It doesn't matter if you're shielding them from the conversations or shielding them from being exposed to sex because they're going to have those conversations with their friends because you're not with them 24 hours a day. They're gonna find access somehow online because kids are going to always be increasingly better at using online and using the internet, using apps, using phones, than the people who are older than them. It's just how it works. They're going to grow up with it. Kids are going to have these conversations. They're going to find these things, and they're gonna have sex.

Yeah, the—

all the middle schoolers that I work— when I work with middle schoolers, I'm not blind to the fact that some of them have already probably had sex. When we are shielding kids from these convers— shielding, quote unquote, these kids from these conversations, all we are doing is letting them get inaccurate information or going into it blind. And it is better for you to have accurate information than it is to enter into something that you've never done before and just say, I'm gonna do it. You don't buy a dresser on off Amazon, throw the instructions out and say, I'll figure it out as I go. You're gonna have a bad dresser. Your kids are gonna have bad sex and potentially harmful sex, or a sexual assault happen to them if they aren't able to have these conversations with people who are professionals in that field.

Yeah, and, and what I would highlight is kids ask questions. I've been asked so many times by parents when do I have the conversation with my child? And I'm like, you do not have the conversation. You make yourself available for their questions from a very early age because every child— and like, that's my, that's my story. Like, from a very early childhood, you know, kids ask questions. So did I. And guess what? When I was like a child and I asked, where do babies come from? My, my dad was the person that would give me that kind of information. He made it like stage-appropriate kind of thing. He wouldn't go and explain like, there's a uterus and there's sperm and blah blah. No, if I was like 5 years old, I bet he said something along the lines of, um, well, the man give— when two people want to have a child, usually the man, you know, that's back in the '90s, um, would give a seed to the woman and she'll put it— they'll put it in her stomach and then the baby would grow in the stomach and then you have it, a baby. So there was no stork lying, there was no like, oh, don't ask these questions, you're too young. It was just like truth, but very simplified for a 5-year-old, you know. So when you, when you are that person that would give basic information to a child, it would trust you that it can come to you and speak to you about those things, or come to someone else that is a safe haven for them to ask questions. That's when I would always say, would you rather have your child have a supportive resource at home or an auntie or whatever that would talk to them about those things when they have questions? Or would you want them to learn from the streets? Like, if they—

and from their other dumbass friends.

Yeah, yeah. If they learned earlier on that they cannot trust you for information or to be a safe resource or safe space for them to talk about these things and ask questions, they're going to get the information from somewhere else. And you'd be goddamn lucky if they got the good information rather than the just go with it, trial and error. And then your child is like a teen mom or teen dad at 15. What would you rather have? Yeah.

Shying away from these conversations, these touchy subjects. Is never going to actually be helpful or beneficial to kids or anyone.

If you look at, you know, American statistics where teen pregnancies were so high in the '80s and '90s because those kids grew up in a world where that wasn't talked about, and then the world finally was like, oh, you know what, maybe we should start implementing some things so that teens know more about it, and then the teen pregnancy rate declined rapidly. And now all of a sudden we're censoring those things again and the teen pregnancy rate is rising again. Like, well, I don't know for sure if that is, but it's— I'm in my head, that's what's happening, uh, it's gonna happen. So you're not gaining anything by not having those conversations.

Yeah, and it's kind of hypocritical to be saying to kids like, stay in school, school and learning is important, and then be like preventing life skills of relationship skills, intimacy skills. Then you're literally like being a hypocrite of what's important to learn, what isn't. And one of those things, trust me, is way more life applicable than algebra.

Via quick Google search, Amanda, um, it is still on a downward trend. Okay, that downward trend is slowing down though, so you might just be a couple years too early.

That's always been my problem. I'm just— I'm a couple years ahead of the game.

So, but if we fix— if we fix the censorship issue, we might be able to also buck the trend of it slowing down. But, you know, um, thank you so much for joining us today, Leah. This is a great conversation, and we hope you enjoyed it as much as we did. Um, if our guests wanted to find you on social media or find Life's Explicit, where can they find you?

If they want to find me, um, I have a very Googleable name, so if you just Google me and put psychologist there, you would find me everywhere that I am. And if you want to find a sex and relationship professional, because I don't know, you may not like my vibe, but you may be like, okay, I do need to find someone, please go to lifeexplicit.com because there are many professionals from around the world with different expertise that would be able to help you and support you either through their resources, ebooks, courses, articles, or through one-to-one work. So if you are looking for that kind of censorship-free space with tons of resources and professionals to learn from, Life's Explicit is the go-to place, and I'm on it as well, so you can find me there as well.

Awesome. And I'll make sure I have links to all that in the show notes as well for our listeners too.

Thank you.

So thank you for joining us today, Leah, and thank you all for listening today. Please follow us on Facebook, Instagram, Threads, and TikTok @touchysubspod when we have new information, other content coming out. Please send us any questions, comments, or concerns to touchysubjectspodcast@gmail.com, and please rate and follow us on your favorite podcast listening app. It really helps the show out.

And in the meantime, don't be afraid to challenge, ask, and discuss when it comes to touchy subjects.