In this live Q&A, Rebecca Silence explains how to spot narcissistic personalities early and avoid their collateral damage. She frames narcissistic behavior within an "abuse cycle" where the victim, perpetrator, and rescuer roles rotate, emphasizing that narcissists are often former victims trying to avoid feeling powerless. She describes gaslighting as a tool narcissists use to maintain an illusion of power, illustrating the concept with a personal anecdote about her husband misusing the term. Rebecca argues that narcissists can change, but only if they genuinely want to heal; she shares stories of both resistant and transformed individuals, including a lawyer who recovered after intensive work. The conversation shifts to justice, where Rebecca rejects external retribution and instead advocates for inner‑child liberation, emotional "super‑proofing," and setting boundaries that protect the self. Throughout, she stresses the importance of knowing one's character so it cannot be attacked, and frames healing as a spiritual practice rather than a battle with the narcissist.
Chapters
Okay, yeah, okay.
So the, the question is about how do you identify a narcissist as soon as possible so you don't end up at the effect, in the wake of the collateral damage of the narcissist. Okay, so a narcissist is being the parent that they picked, that they thought was surviving better than the other parent every single time, right? So an abuser was abused too, every single time. So let me just train on the anatomy of abuse for a second, okay? Because in every abuse cycle, someone was victimized, someone was the persecutor, and someone or something rescued the situation to keep it going, okay? The victim decided, I'm never going to be the one to do harm again, so they keep attracting persecutors, narcissists, fall under that category because they don't want to ever be the one to do harm. The perp decided, I never want to be the victim again. I never want to be victimized like that again. So, and it's unconscious almost always. We don't even know that's what happened. So the abusers in my life decided they weren't going to be the victim, and then they hate themselves for victimizing. And, and it's how they powerlessly maintain the illusion of having power. The narcissist is in an illusion of power that's powerless. The narcissist is just as powerless as the victim. Okay, that's the first thing. And the narcissist is being someone that they were abused by so they never have to feel victimized again. Does that make sense, Allah? Okay, so just so we have that kind of framing out to understand it Doesn't mean it's healthy, doesn't mean it's okay, doesn't mean you should put up with that horseshit for a second. Now, where the narcissist gets us is this idea of gaslighting, right? They gaslight us. And I had this dinner with my husband once. He had gotten a job opportunity, which meant he was either gonna have to do like long distance with the family, or we were gonna have to move. And we were at dinner and we were talking about this, and I was saying Well, I just don't want to do long distance again because we've done that and I don't want to do that again. I want us to be together. And he said, don't tell me I have to pick my career or you. That's not fair. And I looked at him and I said, don't gaslight me. And he got out his readers and he got out his phone and he goes, well, let's just look at the definition of gaslighting because I'm not gaslighting you. And he goes, "Well, babe, says here you're not eligible to be gaslit. Says here only a powerless victim can be gaslit." I started laughing so hard and I thought, well, praise God. Now, Newsweek did an article on gaslighting and quoted Coming Back to Life because I say in here, we don't lose our voices, we just stop talking, right? And so the narcissist only has power if you're trying to prove yourself to them, and if you're trying to get them to understand you, narcissist only has power there. Does that make sense, right? So I don't need you to understand me or agree with me. I'm not confused. This is where the generational healer in the family can get messed with, because we couldn't We couldn't get validated as kids that what we were seeing is possible, was possible, because nobody else saw it. So we thought, well, I must be crazy, something must be wrong with me, right? But once you get the narcissist is not caring about being careful with your heart, the narcissist needs power and control and needs to be right so that they don't feel like a victim. You don't have to subscribe to because you can't handle being the victim. I have to be the victim. I'm not going to be the victim, so you're going to have to pick somebody else. To try to brainwash and control and villainize, because I'm not going there with you. So a great line with a narcissist is, I love you way too much to have this fight with you, and I don't need you to agree with me. I'm not going here with you. No, no, hell no. Go play yourself the song Hell No from The Color Purple. Hell no. I play it for the 10-year-old, right? Like, You're not confused and nothing is wrong with you. And the thing about healing with narcissists is you've got to know your character so well it can't be attacked. If you don't know your character so well it can't be attacked, the narcissist is a spiritual teacher and healer to help you know your character so well it can't be attacked.
One more question.
Yeah.
Related to that, do you think a narcissist could be cured? Could be—
I've seen it over and over and over. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Because in so many cases, they hate themselves. They do not want to be that person, but they do not want to be the victim either. And it's more valuable to not be the victim than to not be the person doing harm while they're doing that. And they just don't have a better way. Now, I've seen many that have no interest. In healing. I had a mentor. I did not know I was in a cult. She was so abusive. I didn't know that I was being brainwashed or abused because I just needed to be special. I needed to be needed. I needed to be seen. And until I got to the point where I realized, wait a minute, she has a doctorate, this is on purpose, she don't want to be careful with my heart, and I'm trying to reinvent, and she doesn't want me powerful, she wants me submissive. I gotta run for my life. Like, enough, you know? It was crazy. But until I knew my character and knew who I was and wasn't confused about that, she was a great spiritual healer for me. And she didn't want to heal, and that was devastating because I loved her. She gave me so many gifts. She made me extraordinary at what I do. Extraordinary. But she didn't want to heal. So if you want to send me— I mean, literally, this happened for like 90 days. I had emails, texts, direct messages. I ended up having to block her everywhere because I just kept getting the, 'Who do you think you are? You're not, you know, a writer. You're not a good coach. You're not trained enough yet,' like all these things. I ended up blocking, but that is an example in a case where this person did not want to heal. But in many cases they do. You know, I had a case once where a lawyer I had coached called me and said a client of his living in the Denver metro area, because I'm in Erie, I'm in Boulder, had just gotten arrested for domestic violence and assault and had gotten blackout drunk, beat up the fiancée, um, The fiancé was in a coma, he was blacked out, and the 10-year-old twins had to call 911. That family healed. That guy did the work. We did a couples intensive. They're back together. They ended up getting married. He's sober. He wanted it. I have seen miracles, but they have to want it, and you cannot make them want it. Well, you can't love them enough to make them want to heal. You got to love yourself enough to have the healthy boundaries that honor, respect, and take care of you so that you don't take shit, so that you have a life that fits in with you and not a life where you're fitting in with the characters you're used to. Wow. Does that help, Ala?
Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you for the question.
Yeah, that's a good question. Kylie asked, how do you get justice for how narcissists act?
Oh my goodness, I was just training a woman this morning who's writing a book about— it's a whistleblowing book, um, about justice. So here's the deal. I don't know what you believe, but I believe in God. So whatever it is that's bigger than us, that's the Karma police. What I know for sure isn't me, okay? So I'm not trying to play God in this lifetime. I got enough on my plate, right? I think karma's a bitch when you are, and that shit's gonna come back. And my job is clearing my patterns, keeping my heart open, and staying as emotionally superproofed as possible to withstand leading anything. And after a life of surviving my biggest fears, I know I can survive my biggest fears. So I don't need justice given by me to any other mere mortal, but it's my duty to free and liberate myself and provide justice for my inner child by being the parent I never had. That's what we just did with Becky. Uh, excuse me, no, everybody get off that kid, she can't breathe. Do you hear her? Stop. I can be that for me. Oh, right, right. And that's justice. Me being emotionally safe and sound and open and trusting myself implicitly and trusting my emotions to guide me and not denying them. That's the justice I look for. And then I get to be highly blessed, highly favored, highly orgasmic, living my life free. And it's a beautiful life.
Oh, that— I couldn't have said that better myself. That is really, really, really good.
You don't have to be the justice to anybody but your heart. It's the best gift you could give every life you touch.
