Rebeccah Silence on Finding Calm in Chaos: Daily Habits for Family Serenity EP 504

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Welcome everyone to the Find Your Leadership Confidence podcast. I'm your host, Vicki Nettling, coming to you from Roswell, Georgia. The goal of this podcast is to bring topics and guests that will empower you to become that confident leader and take your business and your life to the next level. Today I am excited to bring to you Rebeccah Silence. And let me tell you about Rebeccah. She is a self-healing relationship expert. And she's not just changing lives, she's redefining family happiness for audiences around the world. As an award-winning author, coach, and media personality, her mission is clear and deeply achievable. To ensure every child grows up with healed, joyful parents, and every couple discovers a love that's not just sustainable, but blissfully transformative. Through her unparalleled expertise in healing generational trauma, Rebeccah turns the dream of harmonious, love-filled home into an accessible everyday reality. Her own story of resilience and triumph and 16 years of client success stories assures you that, that profound, lasting happiness isn't just possible, it is within your reach. Today we're gonna talk about Finding Calm in Chaos: Daily Habits for Family Serenity. So please join me in welcoming my guest, Rebeccah Silence. Rebeccah, so excited to hear all about your story and, and really how you can have the parents and this and the, the children of those parents really find that calm. I think we have such a busy world that it's easy to get wrapped up in it so much and not really think that the calm is ever achievable.

Yeah. Well, Vicki, I am honored to be here, and leadership and confidence are so important, and it really does have everything to do with mastering this skill of finding calm and the ability to be connected to your highest self no matter what's going on externally. So many people don't know how to be resolved until the external changes, and it's It's just always going to be something.

It's always something. I think my mom used to say that all the time.

Yeah, it is. It's always something.

There's always something. So we always start with two easy questions. The first is, where do you call home? Where do you live?

Yeah, I live in Boulder, Colorado, and love it here. This is my chosen home. I grew up in upstate New York, and I lived in Colorado all through my 20s. I moved out here to work at the State Psych Hospital as a nice therapy intern. And stayed for a decade, left for a while, and then I've been back 6 years, and it's just a dream.

Oh, that's awesome. And then, you know, I gave a little bit of, of who you are today and, and some of your accolades, but I always like for the guests to talk about, you know, really a little bit about that journey that's really brought you to where you are today, those moments that were pivotal to defining what your new purpose is and, and just sharing how that journey went for our audience.

Yeah, I like to say I'm the space where all healing is possible. And what I mean by healing is freedom. That's how I define healing. And I think any place we don't feel free yet, there's healing work to do. And that's actually good news because we have more control over the experience of life that we're having than than we know. And that's really what my message is about. But my story is one of growing up in domestic violence. And then it didn't matter that I knew better. I had decided early on I would become an expert in human behavior. And it didn't matter that I had, you know, this board certification as a music therapist and that I had a 4.0 grade point average in my master's degree in counseling. I found myself in my own domestic violence marriage with a 2-year-old. And if it hadn't have been for my daughter, I don't know if I would have reinvented myself, because I didn't have the worth or the self-esteem or the confidence to do it for me. But the second I knew my daughter was at risk, and if I didn't do something about it, I would be perpetuating patterns that were horrifying to grow up with, you know, her motivation gave me the life I have now is the truth. And I knew getting out of that marriage, I'd likely go bankrupt. I wouldn't have child support. I wouldn't have any support. I'd lose the home I was in. And all that happened. And I worked 3 jobs and scraped my way to the top and became a mom and a woman and a leader of my own life that I was proud of. And the movie that's out right now It Ends with Us is in so many ways my story. And I just actually went to see that with a dear friend, and it was wild to have all that reflected back to me. And not that, Vicki, I'll just share this real quick for anybody out there that questions, is healing truly possible? I told my mom after reading the book that I had seen it, and it gave me so much compassion for her choices because she couldn't leave. She didn't leave. And my mom read the book, watched the movie, started therapy at 70, and just said to me how much it meant to her watching my journey and also just being able to talk about it after seeing the movie. So healing is possible. And interestingly enough, getting out of that marriage and getting my act together and launching my business was such a proud accomplishment. But then I got married again and went full time in my business, got pregnant again. And it was during my second pregnancy that I was diagnosed with cancer and given a 5% chance to live. And I thought, this is cruel. Like, I have been through so much.

All right, gosh.

But what I realized with the cancer diagnosis is that, A, I'm not going to identify as sick or dying. And it's easy for us to be our best when things are going well. But what about now? Who am I going to be now? And the healed me got to practice what I'd learned and who I'd become. And I beat a 5% chance to live because I know what I call the practice of emotional healing. And I live it and I teach it. And Cancer was just the opportunity of a lifetime to truly meet myself and to let go of achievement paradigms and to step into alignment is really all there is for me as long as I'm still here.

Oh, my goodness. Whenever you do that, it's God's telling you there is something more for you to do in this world.

Amen. And without cancer, I don't know if I would have ever understood not only that I could have a life where I'm in a permanent co-creation with God, but it's visceral. I'm never alone. There's nothing to figure out. Cancer gave me that gift.

It would be interesting to— how old is your daughter now? She what?

I have a 9-year-old.

9-year-old. Yeah.

The one I was pregnant with when I was diagnosed is now 9. And then I have a 19-year-old. And then my husband has a 23-year-old. So we have 3.

So the 19-year-old, what kind of conversations have you had with her, especially in her teen years where there's so many things going on, where they're discovering so much and, and figuring out so much? How much does she remember of when her— she was 2 years old? And, and what kind of advice do you give her, or tools? What kind of tools are you giving her to not repeat?

Well, I'll just say I said really early, I want to raise confident girls with their voices and empowered women that are not who I expect them to be, but who they are. And it's not easy having a 19-year-old and a 23-year-old struggling to be an adult. And I'm not going to pretend like it's all smooth sailing because that would certainly be Complete BS. But what I will say is I have modeled being someone who is truly me, and I empower her to do the same. And I let her know that there's nothing that she ever has to go through alone. There's nothing we can't face together, and there's nothing outside of her more powerful than her. And that's my big message. And I just know it's a long game.

Yeah.

And I don't take snapshot moments as like, this is going to determine how successful a parent I am. I look at successful parenting metrics as am I empowered? Am I emotionally clear? Am I giving my child unconditional support, love, belief, and regard and encouragement? And if you're doing those things, it's more than enough. Yeah.

So what is the most common misconception about healing family trauma?

A, that it can't heal, that you have to live in spite of it. And they literally taught us in my counseling master's program, you can't help anybody heal, but you can help them manage and cope. And I thought, wow, that can't be it. And so between my background as a therapist and coaching certifications and my own life experience and clinical experience, what I've realized is, man, is it untrue that you can't heal the root of where the pain came from? And traditionally, I am attracting the generational healers in the family, and I say that term and it scares people. And let me just unpack it in a way to make it completely nonthreatening. Right. The generational healer in the family is just the person that saw it could be better. Yeah. And then often that person thinks something's wrong with them, or I hear this word, I feel crazy. A lot because nobody else seems to see what they can see about what's possible. Right. And I would just say to the generational healers in the family, you're not crazy and you're correct. And your job isn't to get everyone you love, whether it's your family of origin or extended family or even your own kids on board with your vision. Your job is to live it and to actualize it. Right. So it's a myth that the trauma can't heal and It is so possible to be you beyond your survival self. So what I mean by that is we all create a version of ourselves to survive our childhood, and we can get confused and mistakenly think that's who we are. But if you're not satisfied, if you're not fulfilled, if you're not living a life that you love, then likely your survival self is still in charge versus your highest self. And then I'll just give you this nugget We're not going to wake up one day and know who we are. Rebeccah Silence is somebody I became, even though I married a guy with the last name Silence, and that really was my name at the time of, of becoming Rebeccah Silence in my first marriage. I was still super silent and super shut down and super going through the motions. And what I didn't understand yet is that our levels of dissatisfaction in our marriages and in the family we created, until we've healed the childhood wounds and trauma, we're going to be as dissatisfied as we were growing up. There's a direct correlation. So it took me having the bottom completely fall out of my life to go, I don't know who I am, but I know who I'm not willing to be anymore.

Yeah, yeah, you have to draw that line in the sand. So what are the first steps towards healing that most families are overlooking?

Yeah.

Just having blinders on, or— Yeah.

There's 3 secrets I'll give you today. And the first is you do not need a breakdown to breakthrough. Okay? You do not. You do not. You do not. And for me, I had to have a breakdown to breakthrough because I believed I needed a breakdown to breakthrough. And cancer was like this spiritual crisis because I was so achievement focused still. I was booked out 6 months. I was doing 10 clients a day, 7 days a week with no breaks for years. And then cancer. And I don't think I caused it, but I did believe breakdown to breakthrough. And a lot of people teach you breakdown to breakthrough. And I'm going to be the coach that says, uh-uh, hell no. You do not need a breakdown to breakthrough. You can just decide. Enough is enough, right? And you don't need life to force your hand. So that's the first big secret I want to give you when it comes to really the ultimate in leadership and confidence training, which is trauma healing, right? The second is the other person isn't the problem.

Yeah.

So many people will coach you. Therapists will tell you, leave the relationship. It's the other person. But then you take your pattern with you. And of course, if you are in a dangerous, unsafe, violent situation, get help and get out. But for many people, they're just dissatisfied, and they think if the other person would change, then they'd be okay. And even my mom was saying to me after it ends with us, I thought I was protecting you by trying to change your father versus— wait a minute, this isn't protecting you at all. Like, I didn't protect you. I never thought I'd hurt my mother. Own that. And I see her as innocent and doing her best, and she wasn't the problem, right? And my dad wasn't the problem, and my first husband wasn't the problem. I was still a vibrational match for the patterns that didn't serve me anymore until I raised my hand and said, they're not the problem. I need to heal through these patterns so that I don't take them with me. And that's the deep work, and that's the work I do with people in a very empowering, liberating way. I don't think the trauma conversation should be so disempowering or hopeless. I think it can be extremely liberating, and there's no trauma you can't use to your advantage. And that's what I wrote my award-winning book, Coming Back to Life: A Roadmap to Heal from Pain to Create the Life You Want, to really showcase. Like, we're going to take this trauma and we're going to elevate your life and your experience of life and you on an identity level. And that's always available. So you do not need a breakdown to break through. The other person isn't the problem, and that's not me excusing their bad behavior. I'm just saying how you feel is completely about what you're still a vibrational match for. Yeah. And that leads me to the third secret. There's a massive difference between your feelings about all of the external circumstance and the emotion underneath it all, that if you would just feel it, would free you and release you. I teach there's only 5 emotions and everything else is learned. And the 5 emotions I teach— I think Brené Brown's Atlas of the Heart has like 80 emotions, and people make this so complicated. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. The only emotions are the ones we're born with, and they're not caused by anyone or anything. Anger, anger, fear, grief, joy, excitement. Those are the emotions: anger, fear, grief, joy, excitement. Rejection's learned, betrayal's learned, anxiety is learned. Yeah, and these feelings are what we learned and how we cope so we don't have to deal with the emotions underneath it all. And I'm the guy that says the emotions are your friend, and that ability to have a healthy relationship with the darker emotions can allow you to have joy and excitement as the rule you live by. And if you want common chaos and joy and excitement is the rule you live by. Befriend your darker emotions and know they're not about anyone or anything, and they are here to guide you and to always get you back to more joy and excitement if you will let yourself have it. And a lot of us aren't safe trusting the good, and we're afraid, you know, the other shoe's gonna drop. And I just want to encourage you to consider you've been through enough, and life's going to be life. Cancer diagnosis after I thought I had completely beat my past and I in the clear wasn't the other shoe dropping. It was just life being life. And then I got to decide who I was going to be.

Yeah. And I always think that you have to experience the dark emotions to be able to experience the bright side, the good things. You have to understand pain to know true joy.

And we all have it, right? No one's immune to heartbreak, or what I call love trauma. And most of us are walking around with what I call this experience of high-functioning unhappiness, doing better than how we grew up. But how many of you are high-functioning and unhappy? We talk about high-functioning depression. We talk about high-functioning addiction. But what about high-functioning unhappiness? And that's the indicator that you are still living with some unresolved generational trauma and pain patterns that aren't even yours. You inherited them. And I agree so much, Vicki, that we have been through enough. But the contrast is important. I don't think I was ready for my first husband or would appreciate him like I do day in and day out if I didn't have that contrast of the first marriage. I just would have thought he's boring, he's too nice. I thought trauma bonding and drama was intimacy, and I didn't know, oh my God, life beyond trauma bonding and intimacy, the real intimacy. It's so extraordinary and what I call magically delicious. And I want that for you. I want you to have a magically delicious love story and that contrast on the complete other end of the spectrum of what you've known.

So let's talk a little bit about parenting. How do you balance the need for personal healing with the demands of parenting? And that's not a one year and done. That parenting goes on a long time.

Oh, yeah. We're never done, right?

No, we're not.

In my mid-40s and still having beautiful healing moments with my mom. Right. So, yeah, parenting, I think It is such a gift. It's the greatest role and job I have. I love being a mom. I love it. And I didn't expect to ever be a parent, is the truth. I had a couple of birth control babies. I was like, I guess God just wants me to be a parent. But the thing is, I think modeling full self-expression and you giving yourself permission to focus on here's what I need, here's what I want, here's how I feel, so that you're a fully charged battery in front of those kids. Yeah, everything. And I tell my kids every single week— this is a great hack— I sit down and I go over the week ahead so that it's clear. We know when I'm available, we know when I'm not, and there is a date. Just tonight I'm going to the dentist with the 9-year-old, and then we're going on a dinner date. Every week I date my kids separate from explaining overview. Here's everything we have going on as a family. Here's what you have going on, but here's what I have going on so that you know and it's clear ahead of time when I'm available. And every day there's quality time with me, but I'm not the mom that jumps when the kid says jump. I'm not the mom that's always available, and I'm always available when I'm available, and I will always make myself available. Right, right. Oh, I think it's a little bit of a flip to So many moms and spouses really lose themselves in the name of love. And even at work, lose ourselves in the name of leadership. And I just think that is such an unnecessary way to glorify being a good parent or good boss or good leader or good spouse. I don't backburner me ever. And that means I am 100% with you and 100% available and 100% solid within me, which means I don't need you to resolve my internal world.

Yeah.

Or my issues. And I've seen it. I had a mom— this was a heartbreaking case because she grew up with trauma with her mom and then was completely fighting with the ghost of her past called her mother, projecting her mom onto her daughter. And the daughter just couldn't win with her mom. And there was nothing, you know, that could be done because the mom was so committed to you're the problem. You're just like my mom. That meant she couldn't even see her own kid. So I was very grateful for the opportunity to work with that girl and give her confidence and give her skills and to help her know the difference between what was hers and what wasn't. Right. She wasn't responsible for her mom's happiness. Nobody's responsible for our happiness, and nobody's responsible for our upset. Right. But if we don't do the work to go, they're not the problem. This is my work. And until I do it, I'm going to be dealing with that same person I have issues with, with different people for the rest of my life. So many of you hit the eject button, like on Ellen's Game of Games. Like, you hit the button, the person's gone, but then the pattern's still there. So as parents, we really need to look at how much are we reassigning the roles of the people we grew up with in the family we chose now, innocently, without even realizing it. Versus going, I am committed to doing my work to be so clear that I see you for you with me as the healed adult. So many of us aren't even the adult in our marriages or with our kids. We're stuck in a young age where we haven't healed until we do that work.

Wow, such good stuff y'all being offered here. Hope you're taking notes.

And I'm not judging. I hope this is liberating for people today, right? Because no one's immune to this and no one talks about it. So I'm like, can I be the one to tell you what actually is going on here with you and what is possible for you? Because there's so much good possible for you.

Absolutely. So let's just kind of roll with that and talk about the role of forgiveness in family healing and how can it be encouraged. And I think this is really a strong point. Because, oh gosh, in my 66 years, I've seen so many people have unhappy lives because of that forgiveness piece.

Yeah. Well, and let me just say, and then I'd love to unpack forgiveness. It's never too late. I just had me at 78 years old, you know, and she's like, I'll be damned if I'm not going to get this figured out, you know? And what a gift. So it's never too late, and you're never, you know, off track. Your best has been enough, and it brought you to this moment. And whenever you're ready, you can truly heal your life. And there is no way you can do that without forgiveness. Yes. So let me just break down forgiveness and how I teach it. And my book, there's a whole forgiveness chapter. I've had therapists do book clubs with their clients, and they spend months just on the forgiveness chapter because it's so just well written. And thank you, God. I don't take the credit. I just was a vessel and open and have done the work myself. Right? So forgiveness is about loving as much as you did before you got hurt, period. It's about opening your heart and softening in the moments you want to guard and protect. It has nothing to do with them. I think a lot of people mistakenly think that forgiveness means you're letting people off the hook. No, thank God I had done the forgiveness work with my own mom, or we'd never have had the miracle we've had in this recent season. Forgiveness is about you being the best of you. And I have a pact with myself that I invite you to take on for yourself, where I will be damned if I'm going to let anyone or anything have me be less of me. Yeah. Forgiveness means the past doesn't win, the trauma doesn't win, the abusers don't win. Cancer wasn't gonna win. I was gonna win. And people do the best they can at their level of awareness. We get that in theory. And if you're waiting to forgive them or you until they show up the way you wish they would, someday isn't coming. Forgive because it means you let yourself trust yourself. You let yourself love fully. You let yourself have the healthy boundaries, right? I can forgive. And with some people It's from a distance because they're not respecting my boundaries. They're not wanting healthy love, they're wanting trauma bonding. I don't hang out with people that just want to trauma bond in this season. I did that, I have no interest, respectfully, right? So forgiveness means you are the love you are. Forgiveness means you've broken the silence. Forgiveness means you've given the people an opportunity to reinvent with you, and from there, if they they get love from a distance. And if they do, hallelujah. I have a best friend of 20 years. We've had 30 different relationships in 20 years, 30 different versions of ourselves. And it started with a lot of drinking and a lot of trauma bonding. And today it is so profound and pure and gorgeous to the point where she just did a course that we'll be launching here pretty soon as a companion to my book because she loved it so much, she turned it into a course.

Course.

Perfect.

Wild. But there's no way without forgiveness that that depth can be there in your relationships. And it also means if you're unforgiving, you're walking around with a lot of toxicity. It becomes poison in yourselves, and it's emotional cancer. And even worse, when you don't forgive, there's no relationship because you're not really you. So the person doesn't even know who they're dealing with. They know who you're portraying yourself as. So if you feel misunderstood, forgiveness work to do. Yeah.

Wearing that mask.

Yeah. Take it off. You won't die. But no, nobody else will tell you this either. Like, when you start to heal that survival self, it'll feel like you're dying. But you're not. You're being reborn.

Yeah.

Get to reinvent yourself, you know, and let it fall apart. Let it.

So you have a blended family, and that does sometimes bring challenges. So how do you help families navigate the challenges that, that will come? From blended families.

Oh my gosh. And I have, I have my own blended family experience, and I have coached so many different versions of blended families. Like, you're not going to throw a case at me that I'm like, oh, I haven't ever seen this one before, after thousands in my private practice, literally, of different forms of blended families. So, you know, I was a stepparent my first marriage, so I've experienced it from that end personally. My husband is a stepparent, you know, and then we brought and his oldest, he had actually given up for adoption, and they found us in the first week of quarantine. And now we're all in each other's lives, fully immersed for 4 straight years. So the blended family situation that I have is wild and gorgeous. And the thing is, again, we want everyone in the family to get to be who they are. Not who they're expected to be. That's the first thing. And we welcome telling the truth about what we need and what we want and how we feel. And there are some ground rules, right? It needs to be respectful. We're not blaming, we're not punishing, we're not shutting down. We can ask for breaks as many times as we need if a conversation is getting heated. But the point is to stay profoundly connected, first to ourselves, then to each other, and to actually care about everyone getting their needs met. And most importantly, I teach in Family Dynamics, we want the family to be built on a foundation of freedom. So many people think it's independence or relationship, right? It's me or you. And I teach this formula that I call 1 1 3, and it is so effective. And this This doesn't just apply at home. This applies at work too. And by the way, any dysfunctional relationships you have going on at work, they're just unhealed family dynamics popping up at work. All corporate coaching is family coaching, FYI. Just a little secret there. But this idea of 1 1 3, it's profound because what it's about is there's me, 100% responsible for my experience, my needs, my wants, my vision for my life. There's you, 100% responsible for all of that for you. And the second I try to change me based on what I think is acceptable or not to you, I'm codependent. The second I leave my lane to try to get your lane how I want it and manipulate it for me to feel good about mine, this is codependent, this is dysfunctional, this is a mess, right? So both people with an independent vision for their lives, their self-responsibility over the experience they're having of life. That's massive. And then from there, the third piece is the relationship that you co-create together.

Oh my goodness. Such good stuff here. And we have run out of time. Yes, it is definitely a need for us to have you back again so we can have—

Oh, I'd be honored. Please.

Part 2 to continue this because I think it's just So very important that we continue to talk about this, especially with, you know, the world is changing quicker than, than we can imagine. And I think that having some guidance that you give is just going to be so helpful. If you're like me and, and found that this has been very enlightening then you're going to want to get the information on how to connect with Rebeccah Silence. So I'm going to share my screen. As always, for those that are just listening, you can get all the information on my YouTube channel, Vicki Nethling, so please subscribe, or my findyourleadershipconfidence.com. But if you are watching, I will be sharing my screen and reading the information for those listening. So the website is rebeccahsilence.com. That's R-E-B-E-C-C-A-H-S-I-L-E-N-C-E. Make sure you put that H in there. For Facebook, X, or Twitter, whichever you want to call it, uh, LinkedIn, Instagram, she is Rebeccah.Silence, um, Rebeccah Silence. So if you just search for Rebeccah Silence on any of those social media, you will find her. On YouTube, it's @RebeccahSilence. I'm going to turn it over to Rebeccah to talk to you about her call to action and what you might find when you go to both the website and those social media locations. Rebeccah?

Okay, yeah, please. All of what you could need from me, you can access at rebeccahsilence.com. So find me there. You can get the book, you can get my courses, and then I'm super excited to offer you a free complimentary gift. It's a short film, it's a master class that I put together. Give me an hour of your life and it will start to elevate things and change your life right away. The 3 Must Know Secrets to Heal and Save Your Family Masterclass, which you can get at rebeccahsilence.com, or just go rebeccahsilence.com/3-must-know-secrets. But this masterclass, you can opt in right from my homepage, and it will give you a feel of what it's like to work with me and me guiding you into a next level of leadership and confidence of leading yourself and your family into what I call the most magically delicious experience of what family can be. I want life at home to be magically delicious. So many of us grew up and it was hard and it was frustrating, and it doesn't mean our parents did a bad job or that they weren't innocently doing their best. It's just if you want more, let yourself have it and access my masterclass for your perfect next step.

Awesome. Well, Rebeccah Silence, it has been just so wonderful. And as I said, I will definitely have to have you back sooner sooner than, um, later so that we can have these one part, part 1, part 2. But, um, thanks for being such a great guest today.

Oh, it's my honor. Thank you for having me. Thank you for this amazing show about what the world needs more than anything, right? Leadership and confidence training.

Thank you.

It's an honor. I will be thrilled to be back anytime.

Awesome. So as always, I remind everyone that life is a journey, and it's up to you to enjoy the ride. This is Vicki Netling signing off.

Thank you for tuning in to the Find Your Leadership Confidence podcast with Vicki Netling, where we share impactful lessons that help you grow as an individual, grow your confidence, and find the positive and good within you so you powerfully and authentically become the best version of yourself. Remember to visit our website at www.findyourleadershipconfidence.com and enjoy even more great episodes like this one. Again, while you're here, subscribe to us via your favorite network. We look forward to seeing you next time on the Find Your Leadership Confidence podcast.