Rebuilding Trust: Why It’s Key to Healthy Relationships and How to Create a Safe Space for Truth

So this week, why don't we talk about rebuilding trust?

Okay?

Everybody lies. Everybody has made mistakes.

This past trauma that is holding somebody hostage, they get afraid and there's shame. If I told you about this, you wouldn't love me the same or you'd look at me different, or you'd decide I'm broken and I can't handle that. So people lie more to avoid their own pain and than because you've done something to make them think that they can't tell you the truth. The point is, it's not about you. It's about their issues and their deep seated fears that they wouldn't be loved if you knew the truth.

Mixed with a 2.5. The best mix from the 90s to now. Big pop in the afternoon. It is a mental wellness Wednesday. Life coach Rebecca Silence, author of the book Coming Back to Life. Rebecca, how are you?

Very well. Hello everyone. Let's dive in.

So before we, before we get to it, we were catching up before we pressed record. You really have a lot of stuff coming down the path, like your, your future so bright. Like you have so much stuff going on.

I, I do. I feel so grateful and blessed, as cheesy as that might sound. But yeah, I mean, things are coming together and it's a very exciting time.

So this week why don't we talk about rebuilding trust?

Okay.

Everybody lies. Everybody has made mistakes. Everybody. You know, there are some people that have made mistakes on purpose. There are some people that have made mistakes that were honest mistakes. But at some point you would want to try to rebuild trust with someone, whether it's personal, whether it's professional, whatever, family, whatever it is, what are some good ways to help rebuild trust?

I love, love, love this conversation. Because trust is such a foundational ingredient in relationships. If there's going to be connection, if there's going to be that level of emotional intimacy, which I think more than anything is what people crave. Like when we think about wanting a relationship, we want our souls to be seen and we want to feel more alive and we want to feel as connected as we possibly can at the deepest level. It's just most people don't admit that, but I really think with all of my experience over the years, 15 years of coaching in my practice, that's what people want, right? So how do you have deep, profound connection and emotional intimacy without trust? You can't. So what do we do about that? So the first thing I want to say about trust, I say this a lot, so maybe you've heard me say it before, but it's worth repeating, really, when it comes to trust. Where we have to start is, are we trusting ourselves to know that no matter what people do or choose a. It's never personal. How they show up is how they show up. So if they lie to you and it's not a reflection of you, it's not a sign that if you had been better, if you had loved them well, if you had tried harder, then they would have told you the truth. If they lie, they lie. So they're looking for reasons to hide parts of themselves. And that's really what's going on. When people lie, it's because of guilt and shame and not trusting that word again that they would be loved even in the face of their own truth.

But go back. Hold on. Before. Before you go back, say that again. The reason people lie is because of.

Guilt and shame and because they don't believe they would be loved for their truth. So they have guilt.

What would they have guilt and shame about, though? That's. That's what I'm not sure.

Let's just say, for example, I'll give. I'll give two examples. Okay. In one scenario, let's say we have a couple and one person is not happy with their sex life, but they're afraid to tell the truth because they don't want to create conflict. They don't want to insult their partner. And more than that, whatever it is that they're needing that they're not getting, they might have shame around, like, am I wrong or bad for wanting this? And are you going to still love me if I admit that I want this? So that's one example. Another example could be that I have spent money that I don't want you to know about because I. Maybe it was like a shopping spree that was trying to fill a void. And they don't want to tell their partner because they don't want their partner to be mad at them. So, like, what we need, if we're not telling the truth about it, on some level, there's shame underneath it. And there's.

That makes sense, right?

There's more than that of fear that I won't be loved or accepted. If you knew the real truth. And I see this all the time, especially in my work with couples, this past trauma that is holding somebody hostage, they get afraid and their shame. If I told you about this, you wouldn't love me the same, or you'd look at me different, or you'd decide I'm broken and I can't Handle that. So people lie more to avoid their own pain than because you've done something to make them think that they can't tell you the truth. The point is it's not about you. It's about their issues and their deep seated fears that they wouldn't be loved if you knew the truth. So. So with that being said, you still need a relationship that you can trust in and you still deserve to have the truth in your relationship. But where I want us to start with trust is knowing that if we're lied to, we can love ourselves and we can trust ourselves to know the next right step to take. It doesn't have to mean anything about my worth or my value or my good enoughness. This person is just showing up how they show up. Now how do you create an environment that welcomes trust, that makes it safe enough that people are more likely to tell you their hard truths even if they're afraid? That's the next thing I want to talk about. So here's three big things to create an environment of trust. And you know, I joke about my, my husband and, and my past separately. I, I get asked a lot. My mother in law even said like what'd you. My son, when he proposed to me, he was a self proclaimed bachelor, he was not going to get serious, let alone get married with anybody and was telling me things he'd never told anyone before and I was very vulnerable and sharing openly with him. So like what are the key ingredients? Because that, that environment, that dynamic that says you're safe here in this relationship, that to be yourself in all of your shades, in all of your seasons, even when you're afraid and even when you're afraid that if you told me the truth I wouldn't look at you the same way. How do you create an environment that welcomes that? That's the marriage I have. That's what I teach my clients how to create. So here's the three things. Number one, you got to go first. You've got to if you're waiting for the other person to be brave, to be honest, to put their walls down and then you'll be brave, honest and put your wal. You're going to be waiting a long freaking time. You've got to go first, you've got to model that this is a possibility. Don't wait for your partner. The second thing is while you've already gone first, you've already started to share these deep truths even even though you might be afraid it won't be received well. The second thing Is you've got to get that you are safe and you can trust yourself, and that's enough. Don't be waiting for your partner to make you feel safe enough to share, because again, that won't go anywhere. You're safe because you have you. So go first and share vulnerably, knowing you're safe, and nothing can threaten that. And from there, number three, less talking. Like, in the moments of conflict, this has been a game changer for so many of my clients over the years. In the moments that feel the scariest and you want to shut down or you feel like your partner is shutting down, less talking. Just either make eye contact and hold hands, or at the very least, make eye contact. And you can just say this. It is safe for both of us to connect, even though we're both scared. It is safe for both of us to connect, even though we're scared. Let's just connect right now. And you can breathe and you can hold hands, or at the very least, just get still. Because sometimes we try to fill the spaces where we're the most insecure with words, and that creates even more of a rift. So don't make your partner wrong. If they have lied to you, they're not wrong. They're doing their best. You let them know this isn't good enough for us. We can do better. And I want to know your truth, and I welcome it, and I can handle it. And I basically have a standard that you want to know mine, and you can handle it, too. And that's what I'm operating off of, because the more we're honest with ourselves and each other, the deeper the connection available to us. So try these steps and know that you are safe and that the other person's behavior has nothing to do with you. And you can raise the bar and have high standards of, I want honesty, but people don't trust they can handle the truth, right? It's the whole Jerry Maguire. You can't handle the truth. But. But we can, right? We. Or is that the Tom Cruise movie? I don't know which movie it is.

But there's the famous line, jerry Maguire, which was played by Tom Cruise.

Okay, so it is Tom Cruise. So anyways, we can handle the truth, right? And we'll be left for it. And even that, right, like, just there, that was me being vulnerable. And I don't know which movie it.

Is, so I'm stupid.

It's. It's.

It's.

It's still Tom Cruise.

It's Tom Cruise, but it's an army movie and he's Jack Nicholson. You can't handle the truth. He's on the. I'm thinking of Jerry Maguire. Show me the butter. Yeah, that's different. That's way different.

Let's just bring it off.

Bring up pop culture references for 300, Alex. Okay, here we go.

When you know you can handle the truth, that's when life shows you the money. So that is what we'll leave you with. Don't be all like, oh, the relationship has to end because I was lied to or because you lied. No, you just got scared. Get some support. Press reset. And just trust that you can be honest and vulnerable. And if you have a partner that doesn't welcome that or want that, once you've tried these things. Thank you. Next. Because there will be a partner for you that can handle it and wants the same thing.

It's life coach Rebecca Silence on a mental wellness Wednesday. To learn more about Rebecca and all the things she has to offer, go to rebeccasilence.com that's rebecca silence.com. and of course, grab the book Coming back to life. Rebecca, always a pleasure.

So great. And for any of you that want to try out a training with me, we have a brand new masterclass, a spa day for your heart, mind and soul@rebeccasilence.com it's only 99 bucks. It is amazing. So give yourself that gift and go check. Check it out if you're interested.

Does it come with a pedicure?

Well, it is a spa day for your heart, mind and soul, so it's even better than a pedicure.

We'll talk to you next week.

Bye, everyone.