Rediscover Your Life and Relationships with Rebeccah Silence

Hello, beautiful moms and entrepreneurs. My name is Charisse Walker, and I'm your host of the Unbreakable Mompreneurs podcast. This is a place where we come together to learn, grow, and inspire. So sit back, relax, and let's get started. Hello. Hello, Unbreakable Mompreneurs. Okay, today I can literally spend all day because this is my passion, what we're going to talk about. And the reason why I want to talk about it is because Relationships are everything. We're humans, we need that human interaction. And when we get a little broken when we're younger, um, that kind of affects our relationships for the rest of our lives if we don't get some help and recognize it. So today I have Rebeccah Silence on, um, on my podcast, and I'm so excited because she has been doing for 20 years what I just finished writing my book about. So Rebeccah, why don't you introduce yourself to us?

Hello, thank you so much for the show and for this life-changing conversation that we're already in, and for having me. I am Rebeccah Silence. I'm a self-healing and relationship expert. I've been helping people heal since 2002, and I am client zero. I go first. I do practice what I teach and preach it, and, and I, I live it because it saved my life. I'm the space where all healing is possible, and I, I just know for sure healing isn't promised, but it's possible. There is no case I haven't cracked. There's no trauma that can't heal. I have healed through incest, a domestic violence childhood, growing up with parents in addiction, and created my own domestic violence marriage that I got out of with a 2-year-old. It's not enough to understand our trauma and our patterns and our pain. I am someone who teaches way beyond mindset and strategy. It's about the practice of emotional healing. That's what I created, the practice of emotional healing, which is how we can stay the best of ourselves and emotionally clear. And that's the only way the highest version of ourselves can be in leadership over our life, right? If we're not emotionally clear, our past is winning, our trauma is winning, and we're recreating our patterns and perpetuating generational trauma cycles. So I'm here to say it can stop, it can end. You're the healer. You deserve freedom. My definition of healing is healing is freedom, and we can be, do, have, create whatever we want. But when we're emotionally clear, we don't need anything outside of ourselves to be different. We're okay, and we're in our lane, and the highest version of ourselves gets to be in charge. So there's a little Reader's Digest version of who I am and what I'm about.

I love it, I love it, I love it. It's everything that, um, I've been preaching for the last several years, because when I finally woke up and realized, oh my gosh, I've repeated a pattern and I, I can't, and I don't want my girls to have to repeat this pattern, and so to get out and realize what to do. And so that's why I wrote the book that I wrote, Flipping the Iceberg, and I'm sure that's why you wrote your book as well. And what's the title of your book?

So I wrote Coming Back to Life: A Roadmap to Healing from Pain to Create the Life You Want. And the purpose of the book is to turn the trauma conversation on its head. I wanted to write a book about trauma being a liberating conversation, an empowering conversation, and I wanted to create a roadmap for people to really understand there's no trauma you can't use to your advantage.

And I think that that's something that I've become really on a mission, and mine specifically focuses on what you should do before you say I do. But it's because there's so many people— I've been on lots of conversations. I hired a coach to help me write my book, and we were on this group conversation, and these people were just talking about all their trauma and the trauma, and they're blaming and they're doing these things. And I'm just like, you have not moved on. Like, you're always going to live in that space if you don't get help. And so If anybody's listening that's going through things that they're feeling like they're this victim, you can't have success, you can't have freedom that you talk about until you can move on from that and heal. And so I love when I was reading your bio that you talked about how you worked in a mental institution, right? And what did you find out about those people that were in the mental institution?

They're not crazy. They don't know how to cope with their environment or their emotions. And I decided working at this state psych hospital in Denver, Colorado, and I get goosebumps just thinking back. I mean, I saw people diagnosed too quickly, overly medicated, and especially on the adolescent inpatient crisis unit. These kids aren't crazy. They have trauma that they are acting out and, and they don't know what to do with their emotions. So I decided at 20 I'd become an expert in human behavior and that there had to be a better way. But like I said earlier, just understanding that still isn't enough, right? Because I didn't expect to be in my childhood all over again in my first marriage and bringing a child into it. And I love that your work is about doing as much healing as you can before you say I do. But I will suggest there's only so much trauma healing you can anticipate because it isn't until you're in the most intimate relationships like a marriage that you really get confronted with where you've healed and where you haven't yet. So I also just want to point out relationships are for our soul's evolution, our full self-expression, to help us see where there are weak spots, otherwise known as triggers or trauma wounds that haven't healed yet. And then I do like to lighten it up. It's very heavy, it's very serious work, but I want to lighten it up because Nothing's wrong when you find yourself face to face with a wound that hasn't healed yet. And I am sorry, but we are not broken. Our hearts get broken. There is nothing broken about you. There is nothing wrong with you. It takes a lot of courage to want to step into being the best of ourselves and to want to do better than our trauma and our lineage. And it's not knocking anyone that came before us. It's just, if you're here, you're likely the generational healer in your family, which means on some level you asked for, show me what I need to see so I can be as healed as possible. And that is so beautiful and so rare and so precious and so true.

Because I love that you said that, the generational healer, which means, I mean, in some of the research, and you're more of an expert than I, but it's 4 generations usually, and they call it the fourth turning. So by the fourth generation, because you go up wrongs on the ladder, basically. And eventually somebody says, enough, I am not going to do this. I'm not going to put up with anymore, and I'm going to break that cycle. And is that what you mean by the generational healer?

Absolutely. And I don't know how many generations back it has to go. All I know is the generational healer in the family typically as a child feels like they're the crazy one because they feel like, why isn't anybody else seeing what I'm seeing? Like, you have a vision of love and possibility as the generational healer in your family as a kid. That literally nobody else can see. So for a child, it's super easy to go, well, I must be the one that's all messed up and I must be wrong about what I'm seeing because nobody else gets it. And so if you can relate to what I'm saying, you get it. That's all that matters. And it's tough. Mompreneurs out there, right? Like, I, I will just admit I did this work motivated by my firstborn child at first because I was like, there is zero chance on my watch I'm going to be awake and aware and perpetuating the patterns. So I didn't have the self-worth yet, I didn't have the self-esteem yet to do better for me. But when my ex-husband went after her, I got us out of there faster than I can even believe because I still didn't have any self-worth or voice or self-esteem yet. My last name was Silence because I married a guy with the last name Silence, and I was still committed to silence. So my daughter motivated me. But my point is, we can do all this for our children and to break the cycle. But please know, ultimately, who you're doing this for is you, and that's enough. Because people have free will and agency. I have family members that in no way are interested in different than the patterns. That doesn't make them bad or wrong. But if I'm doing all of this so that they heal, they change, that's a lot of unnecessary press— pressure, right? And stress that you don't have control over. But just be the healed you, staying in your lane, letting that be success metric. And then everybody watching that wants it too, great. But do it for you and let that be enough.

And I want to also point out that it doesn't have to be the incest and the abuse and the— so, I mean, it can be trauma. I was talking with somebody yesterday and she was talking about how in 7th grade this boy called her ugly. And she, for years— and it has actually been 8 years— that she finally realized, I'm not ugly. All because of one little comment that a boy made that she didn't even like or know or anything. And so it's like all these trauma— it doesn't have to be, I guess, something where it's so dramatic and horrible that these people talk about. It could be something small that you're dealing with as well, right?

Right. But that's not small, right? Like this boy calling her heart— or calling her ugly, right? It's heartbreaking. Yeah. And it brings up body image trauma. So I think the way I like to say this is we can't compare and contrast our trauma. The bottom line is no one is immune to trauma. And my first coach and mentor used to say, I don't care if you're pinned under a Mack truck or a Toyota, you're in trouble, right? So that's how I think about it. We all have a different heartbreak. My, my trauma, which I do talk a lot about in the book, I share my story to connect you to yours. I share my story to say if mine can heal, so can yours. And I just think I've been given the advanced class in a lot of ways so that there's no case that I'm afraid to coach. There's no case that I'm not equipped to coach when it comes to trauma. But there's no big, there's no little, there's no hierarchy, there's no comparison that's going to do anybody any good. Where are you still heartbroken and needing to do the work to heal emotionally release so that your heart can stay open. That's the conversation.

Thank you. And that was what I was trying to say is, yeah, we all are affected and you don't have to say, oh, I never had this. It doesn't matter. And so thank you for saying that.

Yeah.

How do you help families navigate the challenge of, um, going through some of these things where I am not— people who listen to my podcast, I'm not a huge proponent on therapy in certain situations. Because, and with certain therapists, I feel like some of them aren't there to heal. They're there to have you be their therapist. It's been my experience. But when you do find a therapist that knows what they're doing, what can you look for, or how is your approach different than those? Yeah, there are a lot of bad therapists out there, but there are some good ones.

Well, and the same is true with coaches, right? So I think the most important thing going into any type of personal development work is for you to know what your intention is. What do you want out of it? Right? Maybe you want a great marriage. Maybe you want to heal childhood trauma. Maybe you want to heal your body dysmorphia. But go in with a goal, right? That's the first tip I've got. But here's, here's kind of what separates me from the pack. A lot of coaches are there to give advice. A lot of therapists are trying to help you heal your emotions through the mind. Which is absolutely seek and do not find. We're not going to get anywhere other than to a dead end, right? So, okay, I am a therapist, a trained therapist, and I have multiple coaching certifications and I've been around a while and I got in at the beginning of the entire coaching industry. So what I've seen is we've, we've got to want something, right? So we have to have that vision, that clear intention to carry us through. Making it worth it to do the deep heavy lifting work. And what I will tell you, what I will tell you, what I will tell you is the key is emotional healing and emotional clarity. I created the practice of emotional healing after getting diagnosed with cancer in my mid-30s while I was pregnant with my second baby. And I had already done all this work to clear my past, heal my trauma. I had created a business, I had created a great second marriage. My older child was thriving. Now I'm pregnant. Now I have cancer. And you know what occurred to me during my cancer journey was it's easy to be my work and live it when everything is going well. But who am I going to be now? And cancer was the ultimate seminar for me in this lifetime because I had a 5% chance to live. And the healed me just got to stay in charge of the mission called my life in a very non-preferential circumstance and moment. And what I realized is It truly is about getting to the stuck emotion 100% of the time, knowing what your intention is, and then getting to the stuck emotion so that you can stay emotionally clear, so that your spirit and divine guidance can guide your next step. What I just said, that's it. That's the secret. Having your mind focused on your vision, having your body guide you to the stuck emotion that needs to clear so that you can access your spirit, so you can just get to the one next step. That's it. We don't need to overwhelm ourselves. So what I do is I teach there's only 5 emotions. I think in Brené Brown's Atlas of the Heart, she talks about 80. I teach 5. So my goal is to make what's so complex super, super simple. It doesn't make it easy, but at the end of the day, any upset, any trigger, any wound, any off even on the whisper level, there's a stuck emotion that needs to be expressed and released. So I teach that there's anger, fear, grief, joy, and excitement, and everything else is learned, and how you're coping so you don't have to address the stuck anger, fear, grief, joy, or excitement. And what I have are clients, thousands, that have joy and excitement as the rule they live by. What I have is a mission for kids to have healed parents who are thrilling joy and excitement as the rule they live by, and they're not afraid of the darker emotions. They know how to deal with anger, fear, and grief without taking it out on anyone or without blaming anyone for this emotion, because these are just human emotions that we're born with. That's why I only talk about these 5. We learn anxiety, we learn disappointment, we learn betrayal, rejection, jealousy. We're not born knowing these feelings about what's going on outside of us are even an option until they're modeled to us. But we're human, and so we gotta get back to our humanity and stop trying to spiritually bypass our humanity and get to the root of the emotion or emotions in whatever moment are needing to be expressed in a healthy way without doing harm to anybody else. And I spend chapter 2 in Coming Back to Life unpacking each emotion and how to process them in a healthy way and how to stop blaming life for this feeling that gives me access to the emotion I need to feel. Wow.

Oh, my gosh. I would love to have you on so much longer. We're going to have to do that.

I'll come back. You have me back anytime.

My daughter, she's obsessed with babies. And so we've been watching this thing, and they've gone through and they do MRIs of the kids' brains and stuff. And I love that you just made it very, very simple. But what do you do if you live with somebody or you have a family member who's stuck in the anger and fear? And so all of their emotions are triggered through anger. Yeah.

Oh, thank you for asking this. So we've got a free gift for you that we'll offer a little later here in the show. My masterclass, The 3 Must-Know Secrets to Heal and Save Your Family. I talk about how to stay in your own lane and what you have control over in a lot more depth. So feel free to grab a notebook and take my masterclass and take notes. So you get even more. But what I'll say for now, we don't talk about this enough, the distinction between violence and anger. People think violence, whether it's verbal, whether it's physical, mental, sexual, however it shows up, it is not anger. But we think violence is anger. We think somebody's violent because they're angry. They're violent because they are avoiding anger. There's a big difference between victim tears and grieving tears. Victim tears being, poor me, why is this happening to me? How could this happen? Feeling sorry for ourselves, which I've been there too. Even last week I had a second. I just give myself a few minutes and then, all right, enough of that. But I, I, I'm not trying to spiritually bypass my humanity, right? But there's a big difference between victim and just healthy grief. And I know when I've been crying victim tears because my face gets all puffy and, you know, a mess. When I've been just grieving, I look like I just am 10 years younger and I'm glowing, right? Same with my clients, right? But we don't talk about these distinctions. So anger is healthy. Same with grief, same with fear, same with joy, same with excitement. And we can trust joy and excitement. We can trust the good. We can trust the good. But what do you do if you got somebody in your family that's emotionally dysregulated is really what you're asking me. You stay clear. You have boundaries. Sometimes you express it, sometimes you don't. But I love a couple one-liners for you just to give you a real tangible tool. Number 1, I love you too much to have this fight. Let me know when you're ready to get to a solution respectfully.

Wow, that's a good one.

Great one-liner to use with anybody. Second one-liner that you can use is, I'm going to ask that we press pause on this conversation and let's press pause as many times as we need to until we can be respectful and get to a solution that works for both of us. I'm a coach that does not believe in compromise at all. I want win-win. And so just know it's not your fault. And it's not your job to fix somebody else's emotional dysregulation. And I've got older kids at this point. I've got a 9-year-old, but I've also got a 19-year-old and a 23-year-old. And with the older ones, again, this is why I'm saying don't think that you doing all this generational trauma work means your kids care about it or want it for themselves, because not necessarily. All right. I'm just going to say that for what it is. And you knowing you were clear and you were clean and you were your best is your job and it's enough.

That's great. And I think we need to end right there. And so will you do me a favor? And if our listeners want to just give that again, because I don't think they were ready for your freebie that you're giving out in your masterclass.

Oh, absolutely. Check out RebeccahSilence.com. Rebecca has an H. Rebeccah, R-E-B-E-C-C-A-H, Silence, like be quiet, dot com. You can sign up for my free masterclass. Class right on the home page. That is your perfect next step after today. And, or if you're called, you can get Coming Back to Life anywhere books are sold. Coming Back to Life: A Roadmap to Heal from Pain to Create the Life You Want. But definitely, definitely get access to the masterclass, which will also get you on my email list. Check out the book. And I have a YouTube channel. Just know I'm here for you. I'm on all the social channels. I'm here and I'm very grateful for this time together.

Well, thank you so much for coming on. I will have to have you back on, but I really appreciate it because I think that it's just something that with all of the stress in today's world and everything that we face, we just need to make sure we're happy. And I can tell that you're grounded and just by saying hello when we first talked, I'm like, oh my gosh, she has energy. I love it.

Unclear. And you get so much time back when you're clear. And let me just very, very quickly say this. My definition of happiness is a healthy relationship with anger, fear, grief, joy, and excitement. I can be happy and experience a dark emotion. Happiness is not, not a real thing.

It is so real, and it can be achieved.

It's yours for the taking.

Rebeccah, thank you so much. And moms, go out and make it a great day, and make sure that you find your peace, your happiness, and your joy. See you later, beautiful moms. Remember, you are unbreakable. Keep illuminating the world with your strength, pursuing your dreams, and reveling in the splendor of motherhood. This is Charisse Walker bidding you farewell for now. Stay tuned for more empowering conversations on the next episode of the Unbreakable Mompreneurs Podcast. Until then, keep shining bright. Signing off with love, Charisse Walker.