Releasing the Weight of Anger: Mel’s Emotional Breakthrough (Part 2)

Hello and welcome to the Healing is Possible experience. I am your host, author, media personality, and emotional healing and relationship coach, Rebecca Silence. With Mel back to continue our work through her anger into a place where she can love without having anger and resentment bleeding into her experience and keeping her feeling really alone and unfulfilled and unsatisfied. This is a show where we take you on a journey back to optimal wellness, optimal life. And I'm so excited to continue with you, Mel.

Okay, we're going.

Okay. Three, two, one. Thanks for being back and let's keep it so where we left off. And if you didn't see last week's episode, check it out on YouTube or wherever you watch this show. One of the things I want to just kick off with here is I want to invite you to consider that we're not angry at. We're angry and we don't know what to do with it. So we either shut down in a victim consciousness and freeze, or we lash out, persecute, and blame, or we just try to run an escape. Right. So at the end of the last episode, you were so vulnerably and gorgeously sharing that, oh, my God, I'm angry with the people I love. And is this new information, like, did you realize that before?

Yeah.

You knew it.

Yeah.

Okay. Is it that we just don't talk about it? Like, we don't talk about Bruno, we don't talk about how angry we are at the people we love?

Kinda. Yeah.

Okay, so let's close our eyes again. And this is really delicate dance. Right. Because you genuinely were angry about how you were treated, what was going on. It seems as as though potentially you were just feeling really neglected.

Yeah.

And if we feel neglected, what happens is later on in life, we parent ourselves the way we were parented. So you neglect yourself.

Yeah.

All right. And what needs to happen for you to be all done giving yourself permission, making it acceptable to neglect yourself, that.

This anger needs to be felt in a healthy way and released and not stay stuck like this ball of resentment every time I get angry.

And what do you believe about anger that makes this an emotion that you resist so, so hard?

I believe that in terms of anger, that my own anger can be or has been or is over the top, that I'm very quick to anger and that even, you know, the adults and my wife, they were quick to anger.

Okay, so you believe that. That short views 0 to 60. All of a sudden I'm going to lash out, out of nowhere. You believe that's anger.

Yeah.

Okay. I got news for you. That's the avoidance to the anger. That's how we're coping. So we don't have to be with the anger, because healthy anger never hurt anybody. So pay to be angry. Anger never hurt anyone. When we're angry, we need to move through it, we need to release it. We need to express it in a healthy way. Give it back to where it came from. Let you let it give us energy and drive and power. But the second we're attacking ourselves or someone else, that's not anger anymore. That is self harm. That is self deprecation. But more importantly, that's avoidance to feeling the emotion that you need to feel that would change everything.

Yeah.

Okay, so again, there's anger, fear, grief, joy, excitement. Those are the only emotions in the practice of emotional healing we care about if we have issues with any of those emotions. And again, I don't care who you are. I don't care what your circumstances. Until and unless you are emotionally intelligent enough to recognize I have one of these stuck emotions that I need to feel and brave enough to feel them, you will be held hostage in your own life by your stuck emotions and your unwillingness to be with them and your commitment to doing anything. But feeling these emotions is what's keeping you separate and alone.

Yeah.

So shall we play with anger? And can you see me? The anger, Your parents, the people caring for you, loving you, providing for you, acting at their best. Right. They're doing their best based on what happened. And if a parent is neglecting a child's emotions and it doesn't sound like you were neglected, your needs were met, but emotionally you were neglected. Let's really make that distinction. Is that accurate? Right. So all this happened, babe, is you just started neglecting your own emotions because you never learned it was acceptable to embrace and nurture your emotions. And you didn't have any modeling of your parents nurturing and expressing their emotions and making it okay to be with their emotions. And then you made it up that what they were doing to avoid their emotions was their emotions. And then you judged yourself for coping the way they cope. And then you thought you were judging your emotions, but really you were just doing your best to survive your emotions because that's all you ever knew you could do. Yeah. You with me here?

Yeah, I'm with you.

This is how it freaking works.

Yeah.

Likely your caregivers never learned how to express and connect to their anger in a healthy way. And maybe the same is true for grief and fear. But the deal is until and Unless you have a healthy relationship with anger, grief and fear, you don't get joy and excitement.

Yeah.

Right. So no matter how much we think the external changing will give us the experience of the emotions of joy and excitement that we want, if we've buried these darker emotions, good luck.

Yeah, they come out.

So take a deep breath and let's go back to 9 year old Mel in front of you and just let her know. We bottled up our anger at age nine and it is time to let it go and it is not going to hurt anybody and it is going to give you the ability to go be a kid and play and not have to try to run my life anymore. And it'll give me the ability to be the adult in charge. Right. I just want you, you don't have to remember all that or say it verbatim, but, but tell her in your words, your version of let's go.

It's time, younger mouth, it's time to set it down. Essentially like you bottled up your anger and it's just stayed stuck in this bottle like a soda bottle, right. Like with the cap on and you can let it go and you, you're not going to look like a lunatic. And, and to me, you know, what you're saying, it's resonating because you know, whatever way I was coping with anger, I do cope with anger. It's this misconduct about the emotion that zero to 60 that, that explosive anger or what I presumed to be anger. Right. Nine year old me, it just kind of manifested its way into all of the relationships that I've grown and had and just my experiences and kind of tapping into like where that feeling is coming from. I know we are talking about the five basic emotions, but I guess that, look, the learned coping around it was shame, right?

Embarrassment.

Embarrassment, yeah.

And I also wonder if you didn't just go invisible as a way to cope anytime you felt like your emotions were going to be a problem or make things worse.

What's coming up for me when you're saying that like I very much felt like I was like reaching out a lot or just like calling out for attention, just kind of sitting with again, what's coming up for me? And just I didn't know or tell myself at nine years old that I was protected and safe. I didn't feel protected.

And so what when you didn't feel protected, what would you do? Is that you acting out? Like when you say you were trying to get attention, were you acting out?

I recall being more recluded.

Okay, so that's what I was suggesting, right? Like there's. You go in and inside you're screaming. But we don't want anybody to know because I don't want to ruin even the little bits of breadcrumbs that I'm getting.

Yeah.

Okay, so here's what we're going to do. Okay? Can you back your cute booty up and stand up for me? And what we're gonna do, my good friend and integrative holistic coach Cynthia Blanco, taught me this rage process that. Oh, my God, do I love it. Because you don't have to hurt your voice. You don't have to, like, break shit. You don't gotta punch anybody. Okay, can I take you and all of our gorgeous viewers through a process so that you can experience a release when it comes to anger that's healthy that maybe you've never seen before? Okay, so here's how this is going to go. These are called air screens. Now, before we get into this, two things. Number one, for those of you watching, and even you, Mel, if you haven't read my book yet, Coming Back to Life, Chapter two will walk you through every one of these five emotions that I teach people how to heal through and master so they can be their most healed selves, making their biggest difference and even more important importantly, experiencing all of the joy and love and fulfillment and freedom that they deserve. So chapter two of Coming Back to Life, Life changing. It will give you even more opportunities and exercises and processes for any of the emotions that you might be up against. And usually there are some we're comfortable with and some that we resist. And the goal is to get into healthy relationship with the ones who resist because again, until we have a healthy relationship with all of them, we're flatlined some level and we will feel alone because we've disconnected from ourselves. So I think you're a bright light, Mel. I think you've got a big mission and passion and purpose that is currently untapped and doesn't need to be. Yeah, this is the way. This is the way to get to the part of you that can unapologetically lead and have the relationship with yourself that you would need to never lose the relationship with yourself that you want and desire in any of your other relationships. Because I think what we've got going on here is a pattern of I give me up in the name of love over and over and over again, and then I get to the point where I can't take it anymore. So then I lash out, become just like my Parents, my worst nightmare. And then I go back to being good and then bottle it up. And the pattern just keeps going and going and going and going.

Yeah.

Do I have it right? All right.

Yeah.

Air screens. So you don't need a reason to be with your emotions, everybody. Let me just tell you, one of the best exercises that I ever experienced in my coaching certification was an exercise where the facilitator was saying, joy, anger, fear, grief, excitement, joy, excitement, fear. And we have to, like, tap into the emotion, and nothing is happening. Like, I don't need a reason. I'm human. I'm alive. When the emotions come up, it's because they are ready to be released. Released, period of story. Right. So in this exercise, the game we're playing is we don't need a reason. We just know it's stuck. And it's a pit in your stomach and it's creating toxicity and a roller coaster ride that isn't that fun or interesting for you anymore that you're ready.

To get off of. Yeah.

All right. Ready? Ready to go?

Yeah.

Okay, here's how it's going to work. We're going to literally stand up like sumo squat down, and we're just going to tap into that pit of your stomach. And it's an air screen that we're going to do.

Right.

So here's how it looks. Ready? I'm going to go 1, 2, 3.

Okay.

And I'm going to go with it as long as I need to, and then we're going to do it again. So the point is to get the energy moving.

Yeah.

You with me?

I'm with you.

Any questions?

I can't believe you're making me do this, but I'm with you.

Hold on. Holy victim. You don't have to do shit.

I know.

Do you want to do it or not? Because you certainly don't have to.

Definitely. Definitely.

I'm not making you do anything.

You're right. You're not.

All right, now, I just. I'm lovingly and jokingly acknowledging that. Because that is how we feel. Right? Like, we think we need permission. We think we need an external catalyst. We don't give ourselves permission to just feel because we need to freaking feel.

Yeah, right.

Nobody's making you do shit. And you don't have to make yourself invisible. Shutting the truth of who you are down, the truth of how you feel down. The truth about what you need and want and desire down for another goddamn second.

Yeah. Okay.

All right, so I'm going to do 1, 2, 3. You're going to go. And if you see memories, if you do, you know, feel that inner child growing up as you do this, awesome. But just know connecting to the emotion, that's your only job right now. And being with fully, like, all that passion, all that special, exceptional, extraordinary awareness that you have, even if other people don't get it, we don't care about that right now. You do. So close your eyes, take a deep breath, connect to that pit in your stomach that it's better, but it's not gone yet. This is the ticket. And I'm going to say 1, 2, 3, and you're going to sumo squat air, scream and get into it and start moving. Ready? 1, 2, 3, go. 1, 2, 3, go. Like you are healing. Generation upon generation that came before you, after you. Ready? One, two, three. All the way. All the way. All, all the way. You're not going to hurt anybody. You're not going to go crazy. You're not going to die. One, two, three.

Again.

Even deeper. One more. Like your life depends on it. Because it does. The life you want does not include stuck, repressed anger or you dancing around it passively. How you doing?

Good.

I want you to let it rip. I feel like I'm getting a five out of ten for me. Okay, Am I or am I making that up?

I'm. I'm feeling it like I'm feeling bad. Like it's relieving.

I get it. But I want you to go all the way because that's all you need to heal this in an instant.

Okay?

Okay. Like, turn it all the way up. Like that Fat Joe song. Turn it all the way up. All right. Nobody's gonna get hurt, including you, especially. Ready?

All right.

One, two, three, go. All the years of neglecting yourself, all the years of betraying yourself, all of the years of giving and giving and giving and being depleted and not feeling like anybod, somebody is giving back to you what you give them. The whole problem has been you not giving to you what you've needed. Breathe in, breathe out. What are you feeling now?

Like I'm in my mind. Like flashes. Like just these little moments. But feel this. That it's being. It's lighter. Yeah, lighter.

Are you feeling any other emotions underneath the anger as you move through the anger?

The sense of relief, sense of. I want to, like, serene right now. Like, I felt it almost like if I did, like, like a power walk, you know, when you, like, push yourself a little bit physically and then you're like, oh, that felt good. That's what it feels so.

Close your eyes for me and tell me any. Even if. Even if there's a mix of the emotions that you're feeling right now. Anger, fear, grief, joy. Excitement.

Grief. Yeah.

Breathing.

Yeah.

Let yourself.

Grief. Yeah.

Let yourself be with it. What's happening now?

More of a release because it's. I was. I'm just so, like, it was so tight. Like I was so tightly holding on to these feelings. So it just feels like. Like I'm taking a. Like a new breath and I don't feel any tension in my jaw or really anything anywhere that I would usually feel the tension.

Can you say out loud, I'm giving myself permission to take up space in this world.

I'm giving myself permission to take up space in this world. How does that feels? Good. It feels like I have purpose and I am important. I hold importance.

So what would it be like. Keep feeling. What would it be like to leave this call making you the most important thing in your life.

It would feel amazing and. And a long time overdue.

How are you going to make yourself the most important thing in your one precious life, Mel?

By speaking into myself. Younger me, current me. It's speaking into myself as I would to the people that I care about. Speaking it into myself. Not just reciting it, but feeling it and connecting and meeting it.

I love it. And can I give you an extra exercise to play with as you focus on your self talk, which is huge to begin.

Absolutely.

But in every moment I want you to have your own position. What do I think about this before you take action? What would take care of me before you're focusing on? What would take care of them?

Yeah.

That's what I want you playing with. Right. Because unless your battery is fully charged, you are running on fumes. And if you give before you've considered you, that's you neglecting you. And you are so sensitive and honest with yourself that your body won't let you get away with this horseshit. So there's an outdated version of you that's been coping the way you learn how to cope and survive as a little girl that we can have love and compassion for. But we don't need that version of you running your relationships now. And your daughters don't need that version of you modeling for them. Back burner yourself. Back burner yourself. Back burner yourself. Your needs don't matter. Your needs don't matter. Your needs don't matter. No matter what you've been telling them about how deserving they are, they're watching you.

Yeah.

So just for today, this week is, you know, long as you want, just practice until becomes a habit. What's my position? What would honor, respect and take care of me before I say yes, before I jump through a hoop, before I respond or react or, you know, make a decision. That's the exercise. So that's homework for all of you. How does that feel?

Feels good.

Okay.

Feels good. I feel light.

I love that.

Later. Yeah, just.

I love that.

Like, yeah, like a cloud right now, but like not a dark one, you know, just like, just kind of like moving. I'm light and fluffy.

Light and fluffy. I'll take it. And you know, your parents did their best and they loved you the way they knew how. And so many parents are emotionally unavailable and so many parents don't know what to do with their own emotions, let alone what to do with their children's. But you're breaking that cycle.

Yeah.

And you don't need other people to validate you once you do, believe me, the world will start validating you. And I promise there will be a moment where you're just appreciative, but you're like, thanks, but like, it doesn't, it doesn't change how you feel about you. If we need validation to change how we feel on the inside, it's toxic when we get to the point where we're so self validated, where we know our character so well, where we love and trust ourselves so much and so deeply, and we are our own advocate and best friend and number one priority in our life. No matter what people are saying, we are already know and it doesn't receive it. I mean, you were writing me beautiful, you know, validating messages before this call, just honoring and appreciating me so much. And I received that and I thank you for it. And it isn't that I wouldn't be okay without it. And that's the goal, right? To be okay with or without anything changing out here. Because you're so solid within.

Yeah.

Did this give you what you needed?

Yeah, it did.

What are your biggest takeaways?

Giving that younger me a voice. I just didn't really know how. Yeah, I. I'm very like intuitive and I. I feel energy, my own energy, other people's energy. And I just felt my energy just like trapped like, just like you said, like screaming like. And I'm really. I really resonated with the last things that you were saying, like that external validation. It's almost like I was like this dried up, like plant, Right. Or like a flower, like Needing it like water to give myself nutrients. Like I can't feel. Yeah. I can't feel this way about myself until someone else feels that way about me. And I, I have to feel it. I have to feel that way about me. I have to be okay with what I believe in about myself and how I feel and especially in modeling that, you know, that like that stuck emotion. I believe that my almost 8 year old feels that or has been feeling. I do.

Welcome to the rest of your life.

Yeah. Beautiful. I'm excited.

Awesome. I'm really glad to hear you say that because that's an emotion that we can take and run with and it's okay to be excited and it's okay to let go and it's okay to reinvent ourselves and it's okay to be with our own emotions that make us human. I'm so grateful for your vulnerability and your courage and your strength and your leadership. And thank you for being with us, everyone. Healing is possible. It's not promised, but it's possible. The darkness is real and so is the light. And if you want the fundamentals of the practice of emotional healing, the emotional survival kit course that I teach, it is changing lives, relationships, families. All we need is to be emotionally clear in anything and everything we could ever want or desire and it becomes possible and available. Emotional healing, emotional clarity. We don't talk about it nearly enough, but it is the secret magic sauce formula to joy and happiness and freedom. And we all deserve that. Thank you again for being here again. Check out rebeccasilence.com and we will see you soon. Thank you, Mel.

Thank you, Rebecca.

Bye, everyone. Love you all.

Sa.