A recorded radio/YouTube conversation between host Gary Spears and life coach Rebecca Silence about setting healthy boundaries with parents and oneself. Rebecca gives practical coaching: identify what you feel, ask for what supports your vision, use clear phrases (e.g., “I am creating something new”), set limits with loved ones (she describes a pact with her own mother), and distinguish boundaries from walls. The exchange closes with promotion for Rebecca’s podcast Tougher Together and her forthcoming book Back to Life.
Mix 102.5. The best mix from the 90s to now. It's a big Papa in the afternoon Mental Wellness Wednesday with life coach Rebecca Silence, host of Tougher Together, a breakthrough podcast. And coming soon to a bookstore near you. Coming back to life. Rebecca, how are you?
Hello. I am very, very well and so honored to be here. Hi, everyone.
So I want to talk about boundaries. I want to talk about boundaries. And this is. And this is coming from. This is coming from. From, like, my own personal stuff.
Great.
All right. So you know me and you know my mother, Grandma B. And Grandma B has never really been a matchmaker when it. When it comes. When it comes to me. However, this past week, we were talking about, you know, she's got cancer, and, you know, we're talking about her upcoming week of D doctor's appointments and this, that, and the other. And then she brings up this new doctor that's in the oncology department, and she's. She's really nice care. Yeah. Yeah, she is. Yeah, I remember. Yeah, she's really pretty, too. Yeah, she's single, too. And I was like, oh. Oh, no.
Oh.
So this is the first time in my life that, like, my parental units are being like, hey, why don't you try this on for size? As far as, like. And I know that a lot of people have gotten it a lot worse earlier on, so I just. I want to talk about, like, setting boundaries as far, whether it be with parents or whether it be with kids. And a good way to do that. I'm not saying that I need to with my mother. I'm just saying that this could spark a conversation with a lot of people for sure.
I mean, but can I ask. I did see this post, and I was laughing. If you haven't seen the post, follow Big Papa on social media. But. So, okay, here's my question, and then let's break down boundaries. So, and this is just a seriously legit question because I think this is the access point to knowing what boundaries actually need to be set. So what. What did you make up about the scenario? So she's saying this to you, and then you decided, what about yourself? Or felt what about yourself because of what she said?
Well, part of it was it's my mom, you know, caring about me. And I'm thinking that that would be a cool thing. But another part of me is like, wow, apparently she's tired of looking at my dumpster fire of a track record of relationships, and she's finally stepping in to try to help with that.
Okay, so right there. All right. And I read the post, so I already know this is what you made up about it, and I'm glad you're saying it so vulnerably. And you're laughing, but, like, if you're believing your relationship history is a dumpster fire, that doesn't make pursuing your next relationship very enticing or attractive, does it?
Yeah, I know. I know.
Right? So I think boundaries are critical, but also looking at, like, where the world, whether it's another person or a scenario, is kind of rubbing salt in old wounds that aren't healed yet. That's. That's the other part that we need to look at. So boundaries are meant to support you in getting what you want in feeling how you want to feel. So, you know, it could be something as simple here as, like, so I already feel like my relationship status is a dumpster fire, so this isn't helping. And I know you love me, and thank you for caring so much, but I think we want to look at. Okay, so what's important to you and your next level of relationship? And because I know you so well, I do know that to be true. I mean, is that fair to say?
Yeah.
Okay, so we don't want dumpster fucking fire. Oh, sorry. This is. But wait. Right? We want next level.
Oh, gosh.
Okay, so that's the first good thing to know. So what? Give me three things that would actually support you in creating your next level of relationship.
Oh, this isn't about me and my relationship.
You already started it. About, you know, how many people are wanting their next level of relationship to that you're helping. You are speaking for the masses, man. What are three things that you know would actually be supportive versus unsupportive?
As far as what.
As far as you creating your next level of relationship?
I'm not sure how to answer this. Are you looking, like, quality, like, qualities or.
Yeah, like, what things could people say or do that would actually be supportive versus feeling like more salt is being rubbed in this wound already?
Are you just honesty, you know, Support, empathy, understanding.
Okay, and then what are, like, some actual words that someone could say that would have you feel empowered, inspired? Like, you know what my relationship.
I have a fire extinguisher.
Okay. All right, well, here's what I will say to you. Okay? You are the fire extinguisher. Like, it's. So let's see if this feels supportive. Is it supportive for me to ask you to say, my old relationship history is finished. I'm creating something new?
No, it's it's true.
So say it. It's finished. I'm creating something new.
Yeah. My old relationships are finished. I'm creating. I like to create something new.
Okay, so there's a big difference between I would like to create something new and I am creating something new. And I would encourage you to step into the I am creating something new. And I would also invite you to look at yourself in the mirror. And this isn't just for Gary. This is for any of you feeling brokenhearted or defeated when it comes to relationships, knowing I'm not going to do what I have. But then does that mean I'm going to be alone? If that's you and that's so many people listening and that's so many people out there right now. I want you to look in the mirror tonight and I want you to have a new boundary with yourself where you're not going to go into self loathing or self talk that is degrading or beating you down. All right? I want you to look into the mirror and I want you to really lock eyes with that person in the mirror. That is a great catch. Because you are. And then when it comes to boundaries, I just want you to focus on asking for what you need that supports the vision you have for your life now, the version of you that you are now. Boundaries are an ask from other people, but then you've got to be the enforcer. So if someone crosses a boundary, that doesn't mean they're a bad person. That just means they're not able or equipped to support you the way you need to be supported right now so you don't have to throw them away. But you also need to raise the bar around boundaries in a way where you don't cross your own boundaries and you treat yourself the way you want to be treated and you don't step over when boundaries are crossed with another person. I have a contract with my mother that we don't talk about relationships. I want to talk to her about relationships. I love her so much, but I have a boundary there. I'm sensitive and not aligned with some of the philosophies there. And so I've literally said to her, I love you too much to ever talk about relationship advice. I. I don't want relationship advice. And I love you so much. And she respects it.
That's fantastic. I think that's great.
Why not? Right? And then if someone isn't respecting it, it doesn't mean they don't respect you. They just don't understand. They're just not able to be support in that way. And you can say I love you and this doesn't feel supportive and here's what would support me instead. And just start there. That's great way to start with boundaries. But what boundaries are not are walls. Boundaries are not walls between people or a weapon to use against yourself or somebody else. Boundaries are there to hold the possibility you're in as you grow into more possibility. And what I know about you, big Papa Gary Spears, is you are an exceptional catch and you deserve everything and all of the love that the world has benefited from you giving, it's time for it to come back to you. But until and un believe that it won't happen for you and you can let your mom know. Thanks but no thanks on the matchmaking and thanks for loving me and then go pursue the crap out of your next gorgeous relationship because it's about time.
Life coach Rebecca Silence. She's host of Tougher Together, a breakthrough podcast. The book is coming Back to life, coming out in October. And for all of your Rebecca Silence needs, you can go to Rebecca Silence now. My friends love when you go in on me because they will tell me that I will get text messages from this saying you just got Rebecca silenced. So thank you for you.
